So I get a phone call at 2 in the morning, im half asleep, its on my gfs mobile I don’t have one cos A im a technophone B im Scottish and therefore a cheap bastard and C they are the most annoying device in the ***** world.
Anaway -- the voice on the other end says, awright mate, u don’t know me im Tam fae Mauchline and I have your mate Ronnie in the boot of my car. The wee bastards just robbed us of 2k and he quoted u as being the man to get him outta the stick.
Im like - hold up - What?
I have ur mate in my car boot and im basically a ****ing nutter that will kneecap him for my monies, he says u can sort this out, but I know we have no personal grief, **** I don’t know u from adam but here it is, square up his 2k and ill let him out my boot at your house if not hes a going up Fairlie Moors. (legendary killing spot where im from, like a mud marsh square miles wide, filled with bodies from yonder.)
Im like, wtf, he tell u where I stay. I know the town im about 20 minutes out direct me. I say OK but I aint got no 2k laying about big man I got mibbe £900 ****in about in a drawer the rest u get tomorrow first thing when the bank opens.
He aint budging for ****, if he gets 900 hes happy but my mate/horse Ronnie (ronbar) is staying the night at this mutha****ers house till I turn up in the morning with the extra £1100
I ask him to put ronbar on but he says he cant cos hes driving with 3 other goons and ronnies literally gagged up in the boot of this ****s car. I believe him though cos I know what ronnies like and I know or I think I know whats went down here cos last night me and ronnie were talking over some poker n beers in my house and he tells me hes going to a Scottish pool championship to run a bookie.
I told him specifically only lay what u can afford to pay, simple as that if someone wants a 10-1 shot on 100 quid u must have a K easy fkn economics in my view. But my wee buddy ronnie is a bit slow and always takin risks he cant afford, hes more degen than me.
Totally sick in the head but good for me. Hes probably one of the best nlhe players in the fkn world, regular four fig scores, and totally dominates the rush rebuys on FT. But ultimately hes a fkn degen ****** and really pretty dense. He scooped 5k and then 6k and then 3.2k and 2.2k in 2 weeks a month ago on FT rushes and blew every ****in penny in about 3 hours in the casino. Then comes back to me looking for a K roll. Obvs I oblige. Our deal is always I get 20% of any 4 fig scores for that month plus 5% of any score $500 - $999 anything less keep it and grind plus my K back at the end of the month. Such a fkn ******ed deal, but it works out for me soooo well its just stupid.
Im obvs going to help him out with this fkn gangster anyway, not just to protect a horse but cos hes my ****in mate and id never let that happen in any shape or form even if he didn’t make me money etc, I have ****in laurels and this ****s overstepped the mark.
So anyway, on the Saturday night hes telling me he and Tam are running a bookie at the pool comp, I say bad idea broheim, Tams a fkn snake if the **** hit’s the fan heel dump u like a fkn chick with missing front teeth. Hes like, no way mate, Tams cool in the gang we go waaaaaaaaaay back etc etc.
Ronnie is like 5”4 and built like a fkn dweeb FYI so Im not keen on him runnin a bookie without any muscle up top at all, especially in an unsavoury part of town but on the prior occasions ive ran bookies and seen peeps run em its pretty much like printing money when things go your way.
So I wasn’t there obvs but as im lead to believe, a muppet who allegedly has zero chance of winning the tournament has been backed the **** out of. 3 bodies (unknowns) have 200 quid on this guy to win the tournament at 10-1 to me alarm bells woulda been ringing but Tam and Ronbar have seen the $ signs and accepted. Cutting an extremely long story short for all u TLDR ****wits out there, all the guys opponents have layed down to him basically letting him win for a couple of hundred quid each so now my mate is ****ed. He owes 3 randoms, unknown to him at the time they are serious ****in guys, with serious ****in back up. He owes them 6k. He has 3k to his known on his person which he shells out respectively to the scariest lookin muthafa**** that comes his way. Like I said Tam is a fkn snake and will shaft him, no-one in the building knows they were split booking so my friend is looking to him for help. Yeah sure. Tam says ill be back in half an hour ill head down south get some cash come back square this up. So Ronnie tells the guys, chill Winstons, have a beer on me its sorted in half an hour ur monies l be here. Cool. Till an hour and a half pasts with no sign of Tam. All phone calls rubber eared, all face books, emails etc rubber eared and now hes stuck in the back of a car boot like a fkn muppet.
He gives a guy a phone number obvs mine and they tie him up and to the car boot he goes, he musta been so fkn scared. He doesn’t know what the **** these maniacs are gonna do. The nuggets get to my house eventually bout 3 in the morning and I invite the main big bastard in after trying to see Ronnie in the boot but he wont let me. I make him a coffe and we agree that I see Ronnie, I give him 773 quid Ronnie goes home in the boot but sleeps on the couch end of. Not in the fkn boot or im coming with em, even if im in the boot aswell. Then in the morning ill go to the bank withdraw what we need hunky-dory.
Done deal, coolio, I cant sleep and all I can think of is Ronbar and how fkn scared he is. Next morning I get a call early doors bout 8.30, no worries bank of Scotland withdraw. The maniacs meet me with a chalk white tear stained Ronnie at our local pool hall at 11 and I square up the nutters who incidentally this looked like a common occurance for cos they didn’t even try and get extra on what was owed or nothing they just had a beer laughed it off and see ya latered the two of us in this pool hall looking like what the name of lord **** just hit us.
Tam texts bout 12.30 with a fkn message to ronnie saying, OMG sry m8 got hme cdnt c bnk card rummaged around n fell asleep sqr u up 2moz
****in sneaky snake bastard left his m8 to fkn rot in a pool hall surrounded by baying wolves. Ill never forgive him for that. The reason I told ronnie not to trust this muthafuka was because 2 years prior Tam was chairman of the board of the Scottish pool and billiards association and every week every player would pay 2 pounds as a end of year going out on the piss fund. As we were aware there was 4k in the fund at the end of the year, yeah right there was sweet **** all cos he had degend it all, so I knew he was a fkn monkey but ronnie didn’t listen.
This all happened 2 Saturdays ago and ronnie was all set to go to Ibiza with his gf on the Tuesday night obvs skint he asks me for spending money, I say mate seriously this time u need to learn ur lesson or ull never stop being a fkn muppet im sory but ur gonna have to take this one on the chin from the gf that u have no spending money cos I aint givin u **** bro.
On the Monday I obvs change my mind, cos I love him, and phone him to tell him ill square him 700 quid that I can afford but he pays me back with his next 4 fig, pronto, he replies na bro its aright I got 100 pounds from my dad in a birthday card and put it on a dog at 6-1 and it romped home, Ibiza here we come.
SOME MUTHA****AS ALWAYS TRY TO ICESKATE UPHILL!
