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Poker Beats, Brags, and Variance Here's where you put your whines and wins.

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Old 07-03-2008, 06:14 AM   #1
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BBV:Grossest and craziest night of my life(very graphic) tl;mr

Ok so I'm at the local pool hall/bar tonight doing some gambling with my brother Steve and our mutual friend Kevbo(nickname cause he's Kevin and makes a lotta combo shots in pool). We just took a few puffs of the magic grass outside and are now ready to get in the zone and play some serious pool for cash. Now this place isn't the ritz by any stretch. As a matter of fact it's the pure opposite, a hole in the wall sty. Shady alcoholic regulars, drunken fights(i saw a stabbing once), crackwhores, bikers, cheap beer and amazingly enough, great pool equipment. The only reason we subject ourselves to this grotesque watering hole is cause it's got pretty nice tables and serious degen gamblers. Anyways, the backgrounds been set...

It's now about 1:30am and we've been playing for a few hours. Most of the bottomfeeders of society have fled the premices and it's starting to get a bit more quiet, all except for the ridiculously drunken bar owner and two horrendous fat and ugly Indian girls he's feeding free liquor. There is also one very drunk old man(probably 65) who's half passed out on a barstool. We nicknamed the pool hall owner the "Poolhall Pirate" cause he looks and talks just like a big fat ugly pirate. Big thick burly biker-type guy who wears wifebeaters with yellow sweat stains on them. He's constantly acting like a complete pig with women in the place and just a total scumbag. The only thing more appauling than him in the place are the two girls he's trying to impress with free shots of tequila and bottles of brew. They are honest to god 300lbs with faces that you see in like STD medical books. Just big and slimy and disturbingly atrocious in every way. They are in a drunken stupor.

So my brother Steve is about to shoot the final 9 ball to win his match against Kevbo, when I gaze over to see the Poolhall Pirate(PHP) getting sucked off by these two behemoths! In sheer amazement and shock, I mumble to Steve, "o...m....g, please look to your right" while he's in mid shot. There we are the three of us, watching the owner get his meatpuppet smoked by two cracked out sperm hippos. He's hootin' and haulerin' and jivin' his hips as they go to town! Keep in mind the bar is STILL open and there are shops like Subway right next door with customers outside. Omg I say to steve, "please get your camera phone, this is soooo gotta be recorded". We pull it out and start rolling the footage as they take the biggest girl(easy 3 bills) and lay her on the pool table beside ours and start ripping her clothes off. At this point i'm howling with laughter as can likely be heard in the video(yes there is video coming). Anyways the PHP starts going down on this chick who looks like a beached whale flailing around on the green felt. Slapping his face around you can see her snatch juice painting his stubbly cheeks. As insanely grossed out as I was and still am, I absolutely could not pull my eyes away from what I was witnessing. It would be like watching the twin towers go down, absolutey horrendous and appauling, but you just gotta *****' look! Let's turn it up a notch....


Just when I thought things couldn't get anymore vile and unbelieveable, the unbelieveable happens. The PoolHall Pirate stumbles over to our table and grabs one of MY billiard balls from my Aramith Pro set(set worth over $200) and shoves the 14 ball up her cooter! She squeels and wriggles around as he plops this dirty chalk-stained orb right in her. Myself, Steve and Kevbo are all in pure shock at what we're seeing. It's like something you hear about and go "lol ya right! That didn't really happen", only this really IS happening. Anyways he tosses the ball back on the table when he's done and we see two little chunks on it that look like margarine and I feel like I'm going to throw up. Clearly I packed up my other balls and left that one(I'll order another 14 ball, I wouldn't touch that one wearing a radiation suit). As PHP and the half-passed out old drunk man suck the girls huge mcdonald's pancake size nipples the one girl(very big one, not quite as ugly as the other but easily a -7/10) starts yelling how she wants the "Fonthill guy". We are all confused and not sure what she's talking about....until we see Kevbo's shirt says FONTHILL on the front. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh well now we're all laughing our asses off chanting "Kevbo! Kevbo! Kevbo! Kevbo! Kevbo!" and big massive Poolhall Pirate grabs him and picks him up and starts shoving his face in the girls slobbered up mammary bags. He honestly looked like he was going to vomit and was completely demoralized. I could -NOT- stop laughing hysterically and just prayed my fate wouldn't be the same. My brother and I decided to dart out the door at that moment and get the *** outta dodge. I'm really not sure I can ever go back there again.

So I'm going to get ahold of his cell phone to get this ***** online cause it's truly epic and astonishing. I'm not sure how high the quality will be as it was just a simple cameraphone in a poorly lit bar but I think there's some good footage for sure. Believe me I'll get on it. I recall the owner in a slobbery drunken voice saying, "you fukers better not put this on ebay!" lol, obviously he meant youtube. Whatever though the world's gonna be a better place if people see this. Anyways I come home and tell my sorta girlfriend the story on the phone and she's totally disgusted and disappointed in me that I'de subject myself to something to vile and dehumanizing. I told her it was like watching a car wreck I just had to wtf! She hung up on me angrily. Would you have stayed and recorded or just taken off in disgust? I don't even see there being a choice, but maybe that's just me and my twisted mind.

Brag: saw something ridiculously once in a lifetime crazy, got it on film, laughed so hard my stomach still hurts.

Beat: might have nightmares and am a little grossed out, have to replace STD chunked billiards ball(chunks? wtf??), lost out on more gambling cause of the chaos.

Variance: semi-girlfriend likely think I'm a subhuman pos, got a story for life, might not be able to look at my friend Kevbo the same again.

Video to come IF you guys want, it's probably pretty gross and disturbing so it's understandable if there is objection.
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:20 AM   #2
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Re: BBV:Grossest and craziest night of my life(very graphic) tl;mr

first and quite awesome if true. and video to come IF we want? wtf is wrong with you.
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:22 AM   #3
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Re: BBV:Grossest and craziest night of my life(very graphic) tl;mr

Wow ... one of the funniest things Ive read in a while .. and yes on the video .. lol
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:26 AM   #4
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Re: BBV:Grossest and craziest night of my life(very graphic) tl;mr

Story is funny. Thread definitely has potential if video is posted. Have you actually seen the footage yet? I sort of stopped believing you when the Poolhall Pirate went for the 14 ball.
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:31 AM   #5
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Re: BBV:Grossest and craziest night of my life(very graphic) tl;mr

WTF?

You just left Kevbo there?

I hope he didn't get eaten.



Edit:

May I suggest a new avatar for OP?

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Old 07-03-2008, 06:33 AM   #6
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Re: BBV:Grossest and craziest night of my life(very graphic) tl;mr

dude, wow. vid please
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:33 AM   #7
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Re: BBV:Grossest and craziest night of my life(very graphic) tl;mr

This story + video would be far too epic to be real.
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:38 AM   #8
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Re: BBV:Grossest and craziest night of my life(very graphic) tl;mr

epic.
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:40 AM   #9
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Re: BBV:Grossest and craziest night of my life(very graphic) tl;mr

How is the video not posted yet
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:41 AM   #10
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Re: BBV:Grossest and craziest night of my life(very graphic) tl;mr

3rd
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:43 AM   #11
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Re: BBV:Grossest and craziest night of my life(very graphic) tl;mr

wait



wat?
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:48 AM   #12
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Re: BBV:Grossest and craziest night of my life(very graphic) tl;mr

This is truly epic and disturbing at the same time.
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:56 AM   #13
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Re: BBV:Grossest and craziest night of my life(very graphic) tl;mr

first
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Old 07-03-2008, 06:59 AM   #14
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Re: BBV:Grossest and craziest night of my life(very graphic) tl;mr

LOL. What the hell.
I had a good laugh.
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Old 07-03-2008, 07:02 AM   #15
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Re: BBV:Grossest and craziest night of my life(very graphic) tl;mr

This should be in 4L.

and i came.
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