Cliffs in advance for tl;dr'ers. People that like to read a story from the start, skip these.

- Made 5k in 13 days playing 1/2 No Limit at casino
- Got drunk and lost it all plus my last 4k in savings during a 3-day roulette nightmare
- Owe $500 in speeding/parking/drunkeness fines
- Have $70 left in bank
- Made it to final 3 in $11+R PLO tourney with $4980 prize pool, chopped 3 ways for $809
- Lost it all in around 30 mins playing PLO200
- Banned myself from all cash games
- Went to my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting



Wall of text version. Warning: Long.



Around 5 weeks ago, at the beginning of my uni holidays, after tilting off buy in after buy in playing PLO at stakes I had no business playing in, I self-excluded myself from playing online for a month. I had around 4k remaining in savings. Two days later I'm at the casino because hey, ban or no ban, I need to play some f*cking poker. I buy in with a hundred dollars at the 1/2 No Limit table and before I know it I'm up like 5 buy ins. It felt good. I felt good. So I went in the next night. And the next. Until 13 days later, my total profit was five grand, and I had officially fallen back in love with the game that had been not so kind to me in the past. Felt on top of the world, like I'd found the secret to survival. It was a pretty happy time.

Shortly after this my friend's having his birthday in town, I go and we get hammered. This new found money is burning a hole in my pocket, and I, being the hotshot baller I am, decide to go to the casino to play some -ev baller games. So I abandon my friends under the pretense of not liking the bar they were going to, and hit the casino. I play a little blackjack, won, lost, and I lost interest. Looked around. Ahhhh, that's what I'm looking for... the roulette table. Make a few big bets and win, make a few more and lose it all. Oh well, it was only $500. Only 10% of my total profit from my recent streak. Meh.

But the next day I didn't like that I had blown $500 of my winnings playing that stupid sh*t. I mean, I really liked telling people that I'd made 5k in two weeks. I didn't want to go back to saying "I made four point five kay", I wanted to say FIVE GRAND. Just sounded so much nicer. So I brought $500 with me back to the casino to get that money back goddammit. Only I lost it. Hmmm, this isn't good. I'll just go the ATM and withdraw some more cash, gotta fix this, and quickly. Withdraw $1000. To the dealers perplexed utterance that my request of two lavender chips would prevent me from spreading my money around, I said that I had only one thing in mind, and that was to get EVEN. Two $500 chips on even. Came up green zero. Like a slap in the face from some divine force, it couldn't just be a f*cking odd number, but a zero. Ok, now it's bad. Refusing to accept that this could be reality, and feeling no better the next morning, I took the entire remainder of my wealth, four thousand dollars, and hit the roulette table once again. I wanted so so badly to just get back to where I was.

When I lost it I can't really describe how it felt, other than really bad. I definitely went into some form of shock. I walked out and lit up a cigarette and smoked while heading back to my car. Some drunk Aborigines were in my path and they asked me for some cigarettes. I walked through them saying no, and stopped about 20 feet away before turning back and giving them my cigarettes. I smoked with them and talked with them, but I got put off when one of them told me about "his boy who was 8 or 9... or 10... or 11...." after that I felt nothing in common with them and left. I may be a degen but not knowing whether or not your son is 8 or 9 or 10 or 11 is pretty messed up, but hey, I guess I shouldn't judge.

A week... maybe two go by and life sucks. It's been a long time since I was broke. The mind recoils away from the knowledge that you now have restrictions. That you are less of a human in the eyes of your species. That you are now living in that world that you both feared and admired for it's illusion of nobility. You start paying attention to the fuel gauge on your car. You start scrutinizing shelf labels more closely. And you learn that when you don't have money, boy you better have someone that gives a **** about you.

So then, two nights ago, I'm laying there in bed. It's about midnight, I can't sleep. I open up PokerStars. I have $44 in tournament cash that I made from 235 ffp sng's, or something like that. I decide that despite everything, I am in 1000% tournament mode, and man I really want to make some money back. I have no other hope. So I enter the $11+R PLO tournament, and turn into a freakin jedi guru slash kamikaze pilot slash desperate degen that is staring hope in the face and knows it. I played what is possibly my best game ever and it felt so good to be alive in that moment, with a past, present, and future all unfolding, a clear goal in sight. I re-bought once, at the beginning to double my stack, and did not rebuy again until I added on at the one hour mark. I played all the way through to the final table, and to the final 3 players. By now 6+ hours had elapsed, the sun was coming up, and I was at the limits of my endurance. We all had equal stacks, and agreed to chop it down the middle.. and kinda to the side... an even $809.25 each. Wow... I am out of trouble. I can pay my fines, I can pay for petrol, and I can get back in the game. I have a long way to go, but I go to bed that morning knowing that I can get myself out of the trouble I had created.

But I know now that it didn't matter, because when I woke up I lost it in about 30 minutes playing 4 tables of PLO200. I guess the desperation was combining with my recent misery and overrode all other thoughts. I think that hurt worse than roulette. To do so well and then blow it almost immediately is up there with the worst feelings in my life. Nothing but pure and towering disappointment. I bit the bullet and went to my first GA meeting.

I banned myself from all cash games and sunk back into the hole I had crawled out of, and here I am. But there others out there who have it worse than me, and I just really need to get myself to a good mental place so I can conquer this sh*t. I cannot accept that losing money can own me. It's like I've forgotten all the crazy youthful magic that could get me through any hard time, all I know now is BS. Somewhere in my addled mind, I still have the belief that I can get myself out of this with poker. But the kind folks at GA have plenty to say about that. Looks like I have to get a job (Knish's truck obv), or get back to my studies, which is what I should have been doing in the first place...

I ceased posting in my other thread because let's face it, who the **** wants to shout out to the world "hey guess what! I blew it all! It's all gone! You were right!" But I'm no longer afraid to face the truth. If I don't, I have no doubt that I'll end up in an asylum, in prison, or in the ground before it gets any better. I guess now I'm ready to get it out. after all, what use is the stupidest mistake of your life if you can't let others get a kick out of it... or hopefully, a breath of caution.

I pretty much wrote all this because it's my way of acknowledging the true gravity of this all. In doing so I guess I am due for true BBV form. Especially seeing as there aint any threadsavers.... I may as well of dug my own grave.

Oh boy.

Dude.

BEAT: Lost everything playing roulette, confirmed degen, no outs left, going to GA.


This is the greatest move you could've ever done. GL in future.

OP.

Meh, slap yourself in the face and get over it. You still have savings so your not broke, you just lost your winnings. You obviously can play poker and shouldn't play anything else. Take a couple weeks off to get your mind off of it and when you feel more mentally balanced, play some 1/2 again and start over.

TLDR

J/k, best of luck in the future sir

Enjoyed this:



U say u have banned all cash games, have u banned tourneys? Total cold turkey?

Gl

Fyp

sorry to hear man, gl at GA aint easy but i think its a step in the right direction eh

Put it all on Red!

Fyfyp

Hey brah,

I've read all your posts and can sympathize with the degen. feelings. Winning big and losing it all hurts man. It cuts you deep and you would've had much better never won it at all. My only suggestion to you is cut yourself off from this forum. Cut yourself off from poker,gambling, everything and just focus on life. Grind at an office job, get secure. Get healthy. But sticking around this forum, poker/gambling world will do you no good.

degen story... cant wait to read

Glad to see that you've been to GA. you're on the good road, gl OP

Did you not read?

oh. sik life btw

Degen gonna degen, best of luck in the future OP.

Anyone who doesn't know how to use the dragon deserves to get burned.

**** GA its time to cut that toe off imo

human guinea pig = robusto

Am I the only one who thought he was moving to Georgia?

No real degen has $4,000 and buys in just $100 in a $1-2 game
I bet you can sink way lower

hes def not the biggest degen ever... not even close

he still def has a problem. i dont think he needs to hit the absolute bottom to make a smart move

I was wondering why moving to Georgia would solve anything?

this.


you said you have $70 in savings...the smart thing to do would be to run that up so you can pay for everything. Just play tournies and when you're down to $20 put it on red.