Originally Posted by Dr Van Nostrand

SERENITY NOW

Originally Posted by liquorinthefront

So i am a young student and play professionally. I don't want to say which game or s/n because its all HS and this is too ridiculous to out myself. Last year I started playing 1c 2c NL on stars and I have since won approximately $160,000 playing poker 40- 60 hours a week (various games).



I normally don't have too big a tilt problem, usually what I do is I keep it bottled up inside until I have a huge outburst approximately once every 3 or 4 months. I have broken countless monitors, laptops etc... never before have I actually hurt myself though at least not this seriously.



Yesterday I can say without a doubt I lost my mind. In the midst of a 14,000 dollar downswing (also a 2 month B/e on top of it) I started going berserk yesterday. I threw my mouse denting the wall and punched my laptop as hard as I could (did not break). Usually I feel better after this sort of childish tantrum antics but this time a deep rage was built in me that I had never felt before.

I grabbed a 2.5 inch serrated folding knife off my desk, looked at it long and hard, and jammed it DEEP into my left ankle. Never before did I think I was capable of doing something as masochistic as this, and my first thought as I saw it go in almost to the hilt was "this should be good".

for anyone who has never been stabbed before, if you dont hit a bone or tendon, there is practically no pain at all. If i didn't look down at what I did or at the literal fountain of blood coming out of left ankle (actually SPRAYED onto several walls in my house) I probably wouldn't have even known. completley painless for at least the first 3 hours (now I can barely sleep bc of pain tho)

By the end of the ordeal, my house looked like a murder scene (pics forthcoming), probably at least 3 dozen solid bloody footprints on my carpet as I walked up and down the stairs, the blood was squirting all over the walls as I got my phone and called my roommate telling him to come drive me to the hospital.

In retrospect im such a jew bastard that I probably wouldn't have called an ambo and would have tried to drive myself while I was bleeding out. The hospital is a good 15 minutes away and I was feeling VERY faint by the end of it so if I would have driven myself I could have easily lost enough consciousness and gotten into an accident or some sort of other situation. So i tell my room mate that he might have saved my life, and realistically he very well may have yesterday. What are friends for amirite.

So I get to the hospital and for some reason even though my leg is literally gushing blood, almost completely filling up a plastic quiznos bag, I am in a great mood. I make jokes with the staff and even compliment the doctor on his cartier watch (poor bastard didn't even know how tight it was says he didn't know if it was nice and that his 'wife bought it for him' what a tool). It was very interesting to me how in such a situation you stay very focused and normal, at least until after all the adrenaline wears off.

So I make up a lie about what happened because I feel that my insurance won't cover me stabbing my own ****ing leg on purpose. I tell them that I had a wooden board in my lap and was trying to cut it in half. I tell them that I drove the knife in full force into the board and it went through into my ankle. I sensed that they interpreted this as "this kid doesn't want to tell us he tried to off himself". For what its worth, I had no intention at all of killing myself, but I can see how the situation might be construed as such (hence the lie).

I was told that I missed muscles and tendons (I ran really good not hitting my achiles tendon), but that i had ruptured a major artery in my left ankle, and that it would have to be sutured. All in all the emergency room visit was pretty chill, outpatient maybe 1.5 or 2 hrs (nurse was a hottie as well) Really the most insane part about the whole experience was the sheer volume of blood that gushed everywhere I went. (my next door neighbor, while holding her 2 year old daughter saw me walk out of my house with leg in the blood filled sandwhich bag splattering blood all over our walkway and handrailing, real Goodfellas **** im sure that vision will **** her up permanently somehow at such a young age).

So basically now I don't know what to do. I have been very succesful at poker this last year but I have clearly done something that proves that I am mentally unfit for the game. Let me make this clear, I am a winning player, a 6 figure winning player at that, and the stress of playing poker full time has led me to do something yesterday that could have left me a cripple or even dead. This was a serious serious episode and I don't really know how to interpret it. What would you do BBV?

Cliffs:

won 160k playing poker since last january. 105$ hourly.

went on 14k downswing that made me go completely insane despite my earlier success.

on stone cold FBT, I jammed a serrated folding knife very deep into my left ankle, rupturing a big artery and splattering blood all over my apartment to the point where it looked like a murder scene. can barely even walk accross the room or sleep now.

wondering how I can possibly move past this and just sit down at a poker table again seeing as its my job, or used to be.


P.S. STANDBY FOR PICTURES OF MY BLOODY APARTMENT/ ME IN THE HOSPITAL they are on my roommates droid and I need for him to come back to get them.

Originally Posted by wobbegong

You need to plug your leaks, IMO.

Originally Posted by liquorinthefront

what does "serious help" even mean. i've always hated that expression. I just picture some nerd in glasses saying "SERRRRIOUS HELP". blech

but ok, since so many people have recommended it and i was thinking about it yesterday on my own...yeah maybe ill see a shrink, i have nothing against it as long as they don't mistakenly report me to the suicide squad or something like that. i am capable of recognizing i have a problem, and to some extent I have benefited from the work of psy docs before.

but like i said you have to change things in your life by yourself or else it just doesn't feel real. believe

this may seem hard to believe but my life (personal problems, family etc.) has been screwed up and i've had what i'd consider to be significantly WORSE personal problems than this in my life... shrinks can give u a little push (and that IS worth something dont get me wrong) but in the end i grew a pair and dealt w/ all my bull**** the best i could by myself and i feel stronger for it. thats just me

I think this type of understanding is good because god knows im young and life is only going to get tougher, its good to be able to stand on your own two in the face of serious personal problems. it is good to be able to get help when u need it but more important to see life for what it is by yourself imo.

so not knocking "professional help" just saying that it is by no means a cure all. in my experience with mental illnesses in my family i would say that a shrink sans medication can provide approximately 10% of the cure, not even close to enough if the individual isn't ready to admit they have a problem and that they need to change their lives (like i unequivocally do btw)

Originally Posted by Cernunnos86

Really no offense sir, but you lied on your gimmick account, ****ing stab yourself and post about it here. Why? To see all the "lol epic" answers? I mean...do you hate yourself? Low self-esteem? Are you in constant need of the reinforcement of your environment? Can you find staisfaction in your own achievements? What's the purpose of your life?
Maybe try to look things from a different prespective? You are an artist, you life is your masterpiece, go create art! Don't you feel how wasted that time spent with pointless **** like stabbing yourself? (except the nurse part ldo)
/rant

Originally Posted by Swiiftx

I understand, but you could probably play poker 1-3 hours per day and still make a living out of it, leaving time for other important aspects of life. It takes a real person to learn to play poker the proper way, and that is, as everything else, in a modest way. Money is not everything in life.

Education, experiences, socializing, meeting new people and recognizing things in life will prepare for what is to come when you settle down and start having a family of your own. Life doesn't take care of things for you, you have to take matters in your own hands and poker, it doesn't prepare you for life.