SE Player Haters Ball
03-19-2016
, 09:41 PM
colin kaepern
jose mourinho
crying tit
porto: 10/10
happier times
the self proclaimed special one won the champions league with porto, one of the most incredible achievements in football history. he probably also won the portuguese league but since no one watches the portuguese league it's difficult to confirm this fact.
chelsea: 1/10
i've made a huge mistake
in 2003, jose was employed by chelsea's gangster billionaire owner roman abramovich. this was a catastrophic error in judgement.
you might be thinking to yourself hey wait a sec, didnt he win some titles? yes, that's why i have assigned his time at chelsea a value of 1/10 rather than 0/10. here's the thing, jose was given the biggest transfer budget in football history. over 300m of the queen's finest sterling was spunked up the wall over a period of 3 years, and we're talking net spend fella. £300m would be an eye watering amount in todays football markt, but back then it was somewhere between obscene and stark raving bonkeroonies. i have used the latest computer methods and a comparable figure in todays football environment would be somewhere between £56-58 billion.
jose's task was simple: build a empire to stand the stand the test of time, a football dynasty which would transcend the world of sport such that chelsea would become synonymous with success ala tiger woods/roger federer/michael schumacher/new york yankees/lansing lugnuts.
the outcome was about as far away from that as it is possible to get: while barcelona laid the groundwork for the aforementioned transcendence, chelsea won a couple of titles by playing some of the dullest and least inspiring football that any of us have had the pitiless misfortune to be subject to.
the hapless manager was deservedly sacked a few weeks into his fourth season when the owner finally realised what most of the rest of us had worked out long ago: jose was simply not up to the job.
inter milan: 1/10
if its free i cant afford it
after his abject failure at chelsea, no top teams were prepared to consider jose for any position of responsibility (rightly so), which is why he had to humiliate himself by signing a contract to manage 2nd rate inter milan. this was a gargantuan mistake that the inter hierarchy would come to bitterly regret. in fact, the ramifications are still being keenly felt to this day.
at this point i am forced to give jose some credit. he was (understandably) desperate to restore some small part of his tattered and tarnished reputation, and he came up with a pretty effective scam which he has been employing ever since. i call it jose's special scorched earth double-cross ticking time bomb boondoggle.
the special scorched earth double-cross ticking time bomb boondoggle consists of two phases.
phase one: immediately sell all of your new club's promising and valuable young players. this is done to fund the purchase of overpriced veterans on hugely inflated wages. even though these overpaid veterans have at most two or three years of good service left, sign them to 6 year contracts (this is a feature, not a bug.)
phase two: once you identify the point at which your overpriced veterans have all begin to fall off the performance cliff in simultaneous fashion, leave.
the result is twofold - while jose is still at the club, idiots will say 'wow look at how well he's managing, they're punching above their weight!' while failing to notice that the club is buring through approximately eighty years worth of its resources in one year, thereby ensuring severe and long lasting damage to the club (of the irreversible variety). the same idiots will later scoff at the inevitable failure of the club's next manager while remaining blitheringly unaware of the poisoned chalice which has been forced up into their anal cavity by the departing manager.
jose's finest application of the special scorched earth double-cross ticking time bomb boondoggle policy was at inter, a club which is now and will likely forever remain a hollowed-out husk of its former self due to the indefensibly foolish hiring decision.
real madrid: 0/10
the incident
turns out that some of those aforementioned idiots work at real madrid. the state funded fools running the show over there had allowed barca to establish the world's greatest football team right under their noses and were struggling to come up with a solution. then one bright spark suggested hiring jose and the rest, as they say, is history.
note: the story takes somewhat of a dark turn at this point, i suggest proceeding with caution.
it's difficult to pinpoint the start of jose's descent into madness, but i think a good approximation is early on during his time at madrid. first, the football.
jose was given the task of competing with barca and and immediately lived down to expectations by breaking the world record transfer fee not once, but twice in the same summer. despite putting this crippling burden on the spanish tax payer, jose's teams came up laughably short time and time again against their catalan antagonists. there's not really a great deal more to say about his time at real, it was pretty much just spend a fortune -> lose to barca -> spend a fortune -> lose to barca -> spend a fortune -> lose to barca -> spend a fortune -> lose to barca -> bankrupt the taxpayer -> lose to barca.
the crushing losses (and, perhaps more importantly, the humiliating nature of those losses) was likely what gave an already unstable jose a one way ticket to the loony bin. i'm not a doctor, so take this with a pinch of salt, but i'm pretty sure that jose's brand of lunacy is paranoid schizophrenia, which is defined as 'a chronic mental illness in which a person loses touch with reality (psychosis)'. the main manifestation in jose's case is a bizarre insistence on external forces being responsible for his team's consistent catastrophic failures - the refs, uefa, the media, the ball boys, the pitch, the crowd, the wind, the physio, everything and anything is to blame. the psychosis eventually resulted in, and this is where it gets really dark, an unprovoked physical attack on a barcelona coach (during one of the aforementioned humilations) in which jose attempted to remove the man's eyeball from its socket.
needless to say, not even the idiots at real madrid could put up with a man as mad as a box of badgers at the helm and so jose was swiftly and correctly sacked soon after.
chelsea (part 2): -1/10
broken
you might think that this is where the story ends, after all who would be stupid enough to employ a man suffering from acute mental illness? the reason abramovich re-hired jose is still unclear, but its generally thought that the act was borne out of pity.
they say no good deed ever goes unpunished and it turns out that no truer words were spoken - chelsea were severely punished for their owner's foolish act of charity. jose's descent into full blown paranoid schitzophrena during his second stint at chelsea has been documented by the author so i wont go over old ground, let's just stick to the football.
jose put the special scorched earth double-cross ticking time bomb boondoggle policy into action once again but, presumably as a result of his failing mental health, forgot to put phase two into action. after selling de bruyne and lukaku to fund the purchases of diego costa, fabregas and pedro, jose neglected to notice that all his overpaid veterans were starting to fall apart. as a result the time bomb went off prior to his abandonment of the club, a crucial misstep. he was sacked a few months into his third season for producing the worst season of any monied team in the history of english football (or any other football, or come to think of it any ball-based sport).
man utd: ??/10
BIGGEST FEWL IN MANCHESTUH
again you must be asking, who would possibly employ a man whose descent into despair has led to constant humiliation, embarrassment, and failure for himself and those around him? why, a club whose descent into despair has led to constant humiliation, embarrassment and failure for itself and those around it of course!
a new chapter will likely be written next season as the worlds most hated team will likely employ the worlds most hated man. cant wait.
jose mourinho
crying tit
porto: 10/10
happier times
the self proclaimed special one won the champions league with porto, one of the most incredible achievements in football history. he probably also won the portuguese league but since no one watches the portuguese league it's difficult to confirm this fact.
chelsea: 1/10
i've made a huge mistake
in 2003, jose was employed by chelsea's gangster billionaire owner roman abramovich. this was a catastrophic error in judgement.
you might be thinking to yourself hey wait a sec, didnt he win some titles? yes, that's why i have assigned his time at chelsea a value of 1/10 rather than 0/10. here's the thing, jose was given the biggest transfer budget in football history. over 300m of the queen's finest sterling was spunked up the wall over a period of 3 years, and we're talking net spend fella. £300m would be an eye watering amount in todays football markt, but back then it was somewhere between obscene and stark raving bonkeroonies. i have used the latest computer methods and a comparable figure in todays football environment would be somewhere between £56-58 billion.
jose's task was simple: build a empire to stand the stand the test of time, a football dynasty which would transcend the world of sport such that chelsea would become synonymous with success ala tiger woods/roger federer/michael schumacher/new york yankees/lansing lugnuts.
the outcome was about as far away from that as it is possible to get: while barcelona laid the groundwork for the aforementioned transcendence, chelsea won a couple of titles by playing some of the dullest and least inspiring football that any of us have had the pitiless misfortune to be subject to.
the hapless manager was deservedly sacked a few weeks into his fourth season when the owner finally realised what most of the rest of us had worked out long ago: jose was simply not up to the job.
inter milan: 1/10
if its free i cant afford it
after his abject failure at chelsea, no top teams were prepared to consider jose for any position of responsibility (rightly so), which is why he had to humiliate himself by signing a contract to manage 2nd rate inter milan. this was a gargantuan mistake that the inter hierarchy would come to bitterly regret. in fact, the ramifications are still being keenly felt to this day.
at this point i am forced to give jose some credit. he was (understandably) desperate to restore some small part of his tattered and tarnished reputation, and he came up with a pretty effective scam which he has been employing ever since. i call it jose's special scorched earth double-cross ticking time bomb boondoggle.
the special scorched earth double-cross ticking time bomb boondoggle consists of two phases.
phase one: immediately sell all of your new club's promising and valuable young players. this is done to fund the purchase of overpriced veterans on hugely inflated wages. even though these overpaid veterans have at most two or three years of good service left, sign them to 6 year contracts (this is a feature, not a bug.)
phase two: once you identify the point at which your overpriced veterans have all begin to fall off the performance cliff in simultaneous fashion, leave.
the result is twofold - while jose is still at the club, idiots will say 'wow look at how well he's managing, they're punching above their weight!' while failing to notice that the club is buring through approximately eighty years worth of its resources in one year, thereby ensuring severe and long lasting damage to the club (of the irreversible variety). the same idiots will later scoff at the inevitable failure of the club's next manager while remaining blitheringly unaware of the poisoned chalice which has been forced up into their anal cavity by the departing manager.
jose's finest application of the special scorched earth double-cross ticking time bomb boondoggle policy was at inter, a club which is now and will likely forever remain a hollowed-out husk of its former self due to the indefensibly foolish hiring decision.
real madrid: 0/10
the incident
turns out that some of those aforementioned idiots work at real madrid. the state funded fools running the show over there had allowed barca to establish the world's greatest football team right under their noses and were struggling to come up with a solution. then one bright spark suggested hiring jose and the rest, as they say, is history.
note: the story takes somewhat of a dark turn at this point, i suggest proceeding with caution.
it's difficult to pinpoint the start of jose's descent into madness, but i think a good approximation is early on during his time at madrid. first, the football.
jose was given the task of competing with barca and and immediately lived down to expectations by breaking the world record transfer fee not once, but twice in the same summer. despite putting this crippling burden on the spanish tax payer, jose's teams came up laughably short time and time again against their catalan antagonists. there's not really a great deal more to say about his time at real, it was pretty much just spend a fortune -> lose to barca -> spend a fortune -> lose to barca -> spend a fortune -> lose to barca -> spend a fortune -> lose to barca -> bankrupt the taxpayer -> lose to barca.
the crushing losses (and, perhaps more importantly, the humiliating nature of those losses) was likely what gave an already unstable jose a one way ticket to the loony bin. i'm not a doctor, so take this with a pinch of salt, but i'm pretty sure that jose's brand of lunacy is paranoid schizophrenia, which is defined as 'a chronic mental illness in which a person loses touch with reality (psychosis)'. the main manifestation in jose's case is a bizarre insistence on external forces being responsible for his team's consistent catastrophic failures - the refs, uefa, the media, the ball boys, the pitch, the crowd, the wind, the physio, everything and anything is to blame. the psychosis eventually resulted in, and this is where it gets really dark, an unprovoked physical attack on a barcelona coach (during one of the aforementioned humilations) in which jose attempted to remove the man's eyeball from its socket.
needless to say, not even the idiots at real madrid could put up with a man as mad as a box of badgers at the helm and so jose was swiftly and correctly sacked soon after.
chelsea (part 2): -1/10
broken
you might think that this is where the story ends, after all who would be stupid enough to employ a man suffering from acute mental illness? the reason abramovich re-hired jose is still unclear, but its generally thought that the act was borne out of pity.
they say no good deed ever goes unpunished and it turns out that no truer words were spoken - chelsea were severely punished for their owner's foolish act of charity. jose's descent into full blown paranoid schitzophrena during his second stint at chelsea has been documented by the author so i wont go over old ground, let's just stick to the football.
jose put the special scorched earth double-cross ticking time bomb boondoggle policy into action once again but, presumably as a result of his failing mental health, forgot to put phase two into action. after selling de bruyne and lukaku to fund the purchases of diego costa, fabregas and pedro, jose neglected to notice that all his overpaid veterans were starting to fall apart. as a result the time bomb went off prior to his abandonment of the club, a crucial misstep. he was sacked a few months into his third season for producing the worst season of any monied team in the history of english football (or any other football, or come to think of it any ball-based sport).
man utd: ??/10
BIGGEST FEWL IN MANCHESTUH
again you must be asking, who would possibly employ a man whose descent into despair has led to constant humiliation, embarrassment, and failure for himself and those around him? why, a club whose descent into despair has led to constant humiliation, embarrassment and failure for itself and those around it of course!
a new chapter will likely be written next season as the worlds most hated team will likely employ the worlds most hated man. cant wait.
03-20-2016
, 09:24 AM
03-21-2016
, 11:18 AM
03-23-2016
, 07:07 PM
11-10-2016
, 02:18 PM
02-06-2017
, 12:37 AM
02-10-2017
, 07:22 PM
I've gone back and forth through the years, but right now this https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Scaphism is firmly my favorite method of torture for your ultimate demise.
02-10-2017
, 08:33 PM
Quote:
It wasn't too long ago when Marian Hossa of the Atlanta Thrashers had one of those "Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore" moments.
Hossa and his girlfriend caught a bite at a Chinese restaurant in Atlanta when the waiter was intrigued by Hossa's Slovakian accent, one that's not often heard in the Deep South.
When the waiter asked Hossa what he does for a living, Hossa replied, "I play for the Atlanta Thrashers."
There was a moment of silence, then the waiter said, "Who are the Thrashers?"
Hossa replied: "They're the hockey team, the Atlanta Thrashers hockey team."
The waiter smiled and said in a serious tone, "Oh … what's hockey?"
Hossa and his girlfriend caught a bite at a Chinese restaurant in Atlanta when the waiter was intrigued by Hossa's Slovakian accent, one that's not often heard in the Deep South.
When the waiter asked Hossa what he does for a living, Hossa replied, "I play for the Atlanta Thrashers."
There was a moment of silence, then the waiter said, "Who are the Thrashers?"
Hossa replied: "They're the hockey team, the Atlanta Thrashers hockey team."
The waiter smiled and said in a serious tone, "Oh … what's hockey?"
02-11-2017
, 02:06 PM
