NHL Off-Season 2014
04-14-2014
, 02:46 PM
Hello, friends. Welcome to the Arenas of Atrociousness, the Markets of Misery, the Pantheon of Pathetic Franchises, the Theatre of the Defeated...
...also known as LOLCANADA. (Quebec is Quebec)
On behalf of heartbroken fans everywhere, I welcome you to the 2014 NHL Offseason Thread.
Go **** yourself.
And now, a very special message from our Commissioner:
Oh, Canada. LOL CANADA. Oh I am so happy right now, weeeeeeeee!!!
Now if only I could get Phoenix and Florida into the playoffs somehow, it would be oh so perfect. This is going to be the greatest spring in the history of the league. I AM A GOLDEN GOD.
Ahem, this must be very tough for the rest of you, so sorry. Sincerely. *tee hee*
Anyway, on with the proceedings, and best of luck at the draft everyone!
RULES OF THE THREAD - AS ALWAYS, NON-NEGOTIABLE:
1. NO POSTING IN THIS THREAD UNLESS YOUR TEAM IS MATHEMATICALLY ELIMINATED FROM STANLEY CUP CONTENTION: I don't know how many ****ing times we need to go over this. Just don't do it. I mean you know that like with shaving in the playoffs, if you post in this thread before your team is eliminated, they are finished. Have no chance. None. So stay the **** out!
2. NO TALKING ABOUT HOW AMAZING THE PLAYOFFS ARE/HAVE BEEN: We get it. This is the greatest time of the year. Full of dreams and possibilities, sprinkled in magic and smothered in suspense. It's the best tournament in sports. And you know what sits at the complete opposite end of the spectrum that measures this unparalleled joy you feel when watching these bearded warriors chase Lord Stanley's Grail? The absolute depth of despair that's associated with following a two-bit Mickey Mouse franchise that couldn't even qualify for the playoffs in an EA Sports NHL '13 sim after turning off salary cap restrictions and GM AI.
3. POSTING UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMOURS FROM NON-CREDIBLE SOURCES - EVEN IF THEY'RE "e5" LEVEL - WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. IT. WILL. NOT. BE. TOLERATED. You know what, this one doesn't even require a write-up. Don't ****ing do it. If you have a rumour, cite the source. If your source sucks, don't post it.
Failure to cooperate with these rules could easily result in a ... Quintalban?
Yeah we gotta work on that.
(special thanks to Mr. Fake Geddy Lee for most of the rules and intro, he seems like a gentleman and scholar, might have to consider him for a position within the league office ... you want Shanny's old job?)
Anyway, on to the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever did suck!
30. Buffalo Sabres
You are bad and should feel bad. Real bad. Only 21 wins, 39 goals fewer than the next worst team, a goal differential of -91, giving up almost twice as many 5v5 goals as you score. I could do this all day with stats and facts illustrating exactly how bad this team is, awful. But on the plus side, you got ... a bunch of draft picks? Some decent prospects as well, but you're still a good 3-5 years from playoff contention. Best of luck in Buffalo, Sam Bennett!
29. Florida Panthers
This team is notable for having the worst powerplay by a mile in the league, at just over 10%. 3rd fewest goals scored in the league, 2nd most goals allowed, 2nd worst goal difference, only Buffalo makes them look good. Oh, and they're also notable because their leading scorer only registered 38 points on the year. Like many of the bad teams, they have some good young players, but not enough of them. And not enough good veteran players either. But hey, at least they have a respectable old goalie now on the cheap! This would be a decent landing spot for Aaron Ekblad, given how badly the Panthers need help on the blueline.
28. Edmonton Oilers
This was supposed to be their year. They hired a young hotshot coach, the kids had a little seasoning, they added some nice pieces to augment them, they brought in some blueliners to give them some legitimacy ... they were gonna push for the playoffs! But no ... oh no. It didn't quite turn out that way at all. The kids were alright, but the depth and defense wasn't there at all, or the goaltending. Wait 'til next year!
27. Calgary Flames
Well the team works hard most nights, has gotten stronger as the season has gone on, and has found a few nice pieces worth building on. But on the whole of it, no they're probably not strong enough to challenge the best of the west. With a little lottery luck this year, a couple good free agent signings, and who knows? I'll let their #1 superfan elaborate.
26. New York Islanders
Well you made the playoffs last year, somehow. This year? Yeah not so much. Goaltending is still a massive problem that needs to be addressed, and the team needs better depth overall. At least you didn't terribly mismanage some of the few assets that you had. Wait, Garth Snow did what!? Oh dear. At least John Tavares is happy and healthy, right? Welp!
25. Vancouver Canucks
Well things didn't exactly go as expected this year, did they? Possession stats were actually ok, but they couldn't create goals to save their lives. Maybe next year will be better with a few changes and a new coat of paint, and perhaps a new coach leading the way. It probably can't get any worse, and yet another high draft pick should help, eventually.
24. Carolina Hurricanes
Sort of like the Flames of the East. I don't know if that comparison really makes any sense at all, no one does, as no one ever watches this team play. Let's move on. They have some decent pieces at a good age, but yeah not nearly enough of them. Sekera and Semin were nice pickups, find a couple more like that and maybe they'll be back in the playoff picture next season. All hope should not be lost here.
23. Toronto Maple Leafs
Apparently the Corsi Hockey League is a real thing, maybe now they'll believe? The possession stats were horrible again, down in the basement with Buffalo and Edmonton. Even a good PDO couldn't save them. I think they especially need help on the blueline, but that's generally difficult to come by. Should be a very interesting summer for them as well, unfortunately I fear that they might just make Carlyle the escapegoat and declare that they're generally on the right track.
22. Winnipeg Jets
Not even looking so bad, especially after bring Paul Maurice in as head coach, as far as I know. The -10 goal difference is one of the best among the lottery teams, and the team isn't exactly bursting with teenagers, so hey maybe they'll be ready to compete by next season with a few key additions? They're loaded with wingers, so a good center to replace Jokinen, another strong D, and probably a quality goalie should be on the menu.
21. Ottawa Senators
Not exactly sure what happened to them. They were pretty solid last year, and really hit the skids this season. Their possession numbers were strong, but some of their lines just didn't come off. Should maybe focus on turning their plethora of D into higher quality overall, and finding better depth forwards.
20. New Jersey Devils
Very strong possession numbers once again, but it sort of feels like they lack quality scorers up front, perhaps evident in their low PDO, yet again. Or else that was Fatty dragging them down, or both. Yeah let's just lol Fatty. Oh yeah, and they were 0-13 in the post-game skills competition thing (they missed the playoffs by 5 points). Only 4 players scored for them in the shootout, and no one had more than 1 goal, they went 4-45 as a team. Yikes, go sign a specialist already!
19. Nashville Predators
Seems like they're basically always barely in or barely missing the playoffs. Just an average middle of the pack team, no stars up front, rarely drafting high enough to get them. Did last year but took Seth Jones, who should help keep them average for years to come. To mediocrity!
18. Phoenix Coyotes
Speaking of mediocre, the soon to be Arizona Coyotes. They could definitely use a little more punch up front, and depth at the back. Mike Smith kind of holds it all together in net, which helps explain why it all fell apart late on when he got injured. Otherwise they might have beat out Dallas for the final playoff spot, in fact they probably would have. Oh well, better luck next year.
17. Washington Capitals
Congrats to the best of the lottery teams! You should feel proud about that. This despite apparently dressing a number of players who probably shouldn't be in the league. Maybe if they can get that sorted out, and convince their captain to at least pretend like he's playing some defense they could bounce back. I'll let their Defense Ministers elaborate.
As you can tell I really started to mail this thing in about halfway through, yeah I don't care, deal with it. Lottery apathy at its finest. And **** you again! Let us offseason.
...also known as LOLCANADA. (Quebec is Quebec)
On behalf of heartbroken fans everywhere, I welcome you to the 2014 NHL Offseason Thread.
Go **** yourself.
And now, a very special message from our Commissioner:
Oh, Canada. LOL CANADA. Oh I am so happy right now, weeeeeeeee!!!
Now if only I could get Phoenix and Florida into the playoffs somehow, it would be oh so perfect. This is going to be the greatest spring in the history of the league. I AM A GOLDEN GOD.
Ahem, this must be very tough for the rest of you, so sorry. Sincerely. *tee hee*
Anyway, on with the proceedings, and best of luck at the draft everyone!
RULES OF THE THREAD - AS ALWAYS, NON-NEGOTIABLE:
1. NO POSTING IN THIS THREAD UNLESS YOUR TEAM IS MATHEMATICALLY ELIMINATED FROM STANLEY CUP CONTENTION: I don't know how many ****ing times we need to go over this. Just don't do it. I mean you know that like with shaving in the playoffs, if you post in this thread before your team is eliminated, they are finished. Have no chance. None. So stay the **** out!
2. NO TALKING ABOUT HOW AMAZING THE PLAYOFFS ARE/HAVE BEEN: We get it. This is the greatest time of the year. Full of dreams and possibilities, sprinkled in magic and smothered in suspense. It's the best tournament in sports. And you know what sits at the complete opposite end of the spectrum that measures this unparalleled joy you feel when watching these bearded warriors chase Lord Stanley's Grail? The absolute depth of despair that's associated with following a two-bit Mickey Mouse franchise that couldn't even qualify for the playoffs in an EA Sports NHL '13 sim after turning off salary cap restrictions and GM AI.
3. POSTING UNSUBSTANTIATED RUMOURS FROM NON-CREDIBLE SOURCES - EVEN IF THEY'RE "e5" LEVEL - WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. IT. WILL. NOT. BE. TOLERATED. You know what, this one doesn't even require a write-up. Don't ****ing do it. If you have a rumour, cite the source. If your source sucks, don't post it.
Failure to cooperate with these rules could easily result in a ... Quintalban?
Yeah we gotta work on that.
(special thanks to Mr. Fake Geddy Lee for most of the rules and intro, he seems like a gentleman and scholar, might have to consider him for a position within the league office ... you want Shanny's old job?)
Anyway, on to the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever did suck!
30. Buffalo Sabres
You are bad and should feel bad. Real bad. Only 21 wins, 39 goals fewer than the next worst team, a goal differential of -91, giving up almost twice as many 5v5 goals as you score. I could do this all day with stats and facts illustrating exactly how bad this team is, awful. But on the plus side, you got ... a bunch of draft picks? Some decent prospects as well, but you're still a good 3-5 years from playoff contention. Best of luck in Buffalo, Sam Bennett!
29. Florida Panthers
This team is notable for having the worst powerplay by a mile in the league, at just over 10%. 3rd fewest goals scored in the league, 2nd most goals allowed, 2nd worst goal difference, only Buffalo makes them look good. Oh, and they're also notable because their leading scorer only registered 38 points on the year. Like many of the bad teams, they have some good young players, but not enough of them. And not enough good veteran players either. But hey, at least they have a respectable old goalie now on the cheap! This would be a decent landing spot for Aaron Ekblad, given how badly the Panthers need help on the blueline.
28. Edmonton Oilers
This was supposed to be their year. They hired a young hotshot coach, the kids had a little seasoning, they added some nice pieces to augment them, they brought in some blueliners to give them some legitimacy ... they were gonna push for the playoffs! But no ... oh no. It didn't quite turn out that way at all. The kids were alright, but the depth and defense wasn't there at all, or the goaltending. Wait 'til next year!
27. Calgary Flames
Well the team works hard most nights, has gotten stronger as the season has gone on, and has found a few nice pieces worth building on. But on the whole of it, no they're probably not strong enough to challenge the best of the west. With a little lottery luck this year, a couple good free agent signings, and who knows? I'll let their #1 superfan elaborate.
26. New York Islanders
Well you made the playoffs last year, somehow. This year? Yeah not so much. Goaltending is still a massive problem that needs to be addressed, and the team needs better depth overall. At least you didn't terribly mismanage some of the few assets that you had. Wait, Garth Snow did what!? Oh dear. At least John Tavares is happy and healthy, right? Welp!
25. Vancouver Canucks
Well things didn't exactly go as expected this year, did they? Possession stats were actually ok, but they couldn't create goals to save their lives. Maybe next year will be better with a few changes and a new coat of paint, and perhaps a new coach leading the way. It probably can't get any worse, and yet another high draft pick should help, eventually.
24. Carolina Hurricanes
Sort of like the Flames of the East. I don't know if that comparison really makes any sense at all, no one does, as no one ever watches this team play. Let's move on. They have some decent pieces at a good age, but yeah not nearly enough of them. Sekera and Semin were nice pickups, find a couple more like that and maybe they'll be back in the playoff picture next season. All hope should not be lost here.
23. Toronto Maple Leafs
Apparently the Corsi Hockey League is a real thing, maybe now they'll believe? The possession stats were horrible again, down in the basement with Buffalo and Edmonton. Even a good PDO couldn't save them. I think they especially need help on the blueline, but that's generally difficult to come by. Should be a very interesting summer for them as well, unfortunately I fear that they might just make Carlyle the escapegoat and declare that they're generally on the right track.
22. Winnipeg Jets
Not even looking so bad, especially after bring Paul Maurice in as head coach, as far as I know. The -10 goal difference is one of the best among the lottery teams, and the team isn't exactly bursting with teenagers, so hey maybe they'll be ready to compete by next season with a few key additions? They're loaded with wingers, so a good center to replace Jokinen, another strong D, and probably a quality goalie should be on the menu.
21. Ottawa Senators
Not exactly sure what happened to them. They were pretty solid last year, and really hit the skids this season. Their possession numbers were strong, but some of their lines just didn't come off. Should maybe focus on turning their plethora of D into higher quality overall, and finding better depth forwards.
20. New Jersey Devils
Very strong possession numbers once again, but it sort of feels like they lack quality scorers up front, perhaps evident in their low PDO, yet again. Or else that was Fatty dragging them down, or both. Yeah let's just lol Fatty. Oh yeah, and they were 0-13 in the post-game skills competition thing (they missed the playoffs by 5 points). Only 4 players scored for them in the shootout, and no one had more than 1 goal, they went 4-45 as a team. Yikes, go sign a specialist already!
19. Nashville Predators
Seems like they're basically always barely in or barely missing the playoffs. Just an average middle of the pack team, no stars up front, rarely drafting high enough to get them. Did last year but took Seth Jones, who should help keep them average for years to come. To mediocrity!
18. Phoenix Coyotes
Speaking of mediocre, the soon to be Arizona Coyotes. They could definitely use a little more punch up front, and depth at the back. Mike Smith kind of holds it all together in net, which helps explain why it all fell apart late on when he got injured. Otherwise they might have beat out Dallas for the final playoff spot, in fact they probably would have. Oh well, better luck next year.
17. Washington Capitals
Congrats to the best of the lottery teams! You should feel proud about that. This despite apparently dressing a number of players who probably shouldn't be in the league. Maybe if they can get that sorted out, and convince their captain to at least pretend like he's playing some defense they could bounce back. I'll let their Defense Ministers elaborate.
As you can tell I really started to mail this thing in about halfway through, yeah I don't care, deal with it. Lottery apathy at its finest. And **** you again! Let us offseason.
Last edited by 72off; 04-15-2014 at 12:02 AM.
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