The “Under Absolutely No Circumstances” Power Rankings
No. Just no.
5. Edmonton Oilers — They’re a tire fire, a train wreck, a running joke, a black hole from which no hope or happiness can ever escape. You might as well load McDavid into a nuclear submarine and fire him into the Mariana Trench.
4. Edmonton Oilers — Also, they already had the first overall pick three seasons in a row just a few years ago. Literally nobody wants this to happen.
3. Edmonton Oilers — Connor McDavid seems like a perfectly nice kid. Why would you do this to him? Why?
2. Kansas City Scouts — Wait, are they still in the league? No? OK, then in that case …
1. Edmonton Oilers — Look, I’m all for fairness and integrity, but if the Oilers win the lottery, then the league absolutely has to scrap the results and run it again. Don’t even delete the footage or try to cover it up — just have Bill Daly walk into the frame screaming, “Take two!” while angrily stuffing Ping-Pong balls back into the machine. Every hockey fan will understand.
1. Edmonton
2. Buffalo
3. Arizona
4. Toronto
5. Carolina
6. New Jersey
7. Philadelphia
8. Columbus
9. San Jose
10. Colorado
11. Florida
12. Dallas
13. Los Angeles
14. Boston