NFL Regular Season 2016
09-08-2016
, 02:28 PM
Gentlemen, the day we have been waiting for is upon us. The one we have been awaiting for 213 days for.
Last season ended with this
Even 2 time winning Quarterback and football's favorite little bro couldn't believe that the GOAT did it again
This play got Von Miller PAID
This guy ended the season SAD
But he has promised to retire the famed celebration below and come back with a better one starting tonight
In the interim we had a draft where picks were made and laughs were had (mostly at this guy's expense)
A court upheld the obviously correct decision to suspend the fraudulent QB of the Patriots
But tonight the drought will end and football will once again begin. Our savior has given us a rematch of the final game of the 2015 season with one notable change. Instead of the GOAT, something called a Trevor Siemian will start at QB for the defending champs. For this is the moment our Lord and Savior has promised us and we shall honor him by saying together "PRAISE BE. PRAISE BE TO ROGER GOODELL."
Now a look at your 2016 teams (Ascending odds to win the SB per Pinny today)
New England Cheatriots (+782)
The main question is whether they can hold up through 4 games until they get the head ball deflator back from suspension. They will be led by two very different personalities in his absence:
Seattle Seahawks (+783)
This team is actually led by a colorful coach and quarterbacked by one of the most boring, inauthentic, overrated, and despicable people on Earth. Their defense is good, their gameplans are solid, and they will hopefully fall short of their goal as they did when their overhyped QB was tested by God to show the rest of us how to deal with failure by throwing a game ending interception two Super Bowls ago. Hopefully God makes him stronger through failure a lot more this season.
Green Bay Packers
This team is theoretically led by the brother of the Bachelorette winner. However, there are two BIG problems standing between him and another Super Bowl. Those problems are named FAT MIKE and FAT EDDIE, respectively. And if I know one thing its that FAT MIKE and FAT EDDIE know about force feeding and I expect a lot of inexplicable ESTABLISHING this season followed by SENDING IN THE KICKING TEAM and TAKING THE POINTS. Will this be enough to derail Godgers with Jordy back? That remains to be seen.
Arizona Cardinals (+957)
If you haven't watched the Amazon Prime documentary on them from last season then I recommend it. Its called "All or Nothing" and is a pretty cool look behind the scenes. This team has no obvious faults or deficiencies and they have talent at every position. If Carson Palmer stays healthy they should cruise to double digit victories and be real contenders for the title.
Pittsburgh Stealers (+998)
Led by a rapist quarterback and the best WR in football who will be looking to shatter all kinds of records this year they should have the best offense in football once they get their star RB back from suspension. Look for them to run more uptempo offense and go for two a lot. Their games will be entertaining no matter what and also extremely painful if you don't own any of their players in karakball.
Carolina Panthers (+1038)
Led by Scam Newton, Riverboat Ron, dkgojackets, and eltbus the defending Super Bowl losers look to make it back to the promised land. I hope they don't. In reality they will score a lot, give up scores much less, and easily win the NFC South.
Denver Broncos (+1613)
Last year's historic defense led them to a Super Bowl title with Peyton Manning at the reigns. The defense should be stout again, but historically elite defenses almost never perform at the same level the next year. They're also quarterbacked by a guy named Semen so that's not the best look. Here's a pic of him in case you are worried you won't be able to pick him out.
Cincinnati Bengals (+1704)
They are starting former 2p2er Arod's Cousin at Quarterback which is a cause for concern. Their best player is star wideout AJ Green who will be glad that the glowing ginger hair of his quarterback is covered by the slightly less orange helmet. I have no idea how or why their odds are this good since they have never won anything, but whatever. They seem like a decent, but not great team.
Kansas City Chiefs (+2110)
I assume their plan is going to be to win games with defense and rely on the ground game to try to score 17 points a game since they are still being quarterbacked by a guy who cannot throw the ball downfield. If you like screens and 6 yard passes on 3rd and 10 then this is your team!
Indianapolis Colts (+2428)
The Colts will plan to let their franchise QB throw the ball a lot and hope he scores more than their defense allows. Its not a complicated plan, but it is about all that their coach is capable of mustering. Is Andrew Luck actually good? I expect that we will know at the end of this season.
The rest of these teams all suck in some way or another so I'll be brief in describing how they suck.
New York Giants (+2440)
OBJ is good. No one else on the roster is. This makes for entertaining offensive series, but little else. They might win the putrid division, but won't win anything else.
Minnesota Vikings (+2528)
Teddy died and so did their hopes at winning the Super Bowl. ADP will be relied on heavily and if he has anything left in the tank he could have a very special season.
Baltimore Ravens (+3171)
Is Joe Flacco elite? Well, if he manages to get this team deep into the playoffs he might actually be.
Dallas Cowboys (+3392)
Now that Romo is completely broken the only thing worth watching with this year's edition of the Cowboys is ZEKE. Eric Dickerson set the rookie rushing record 33 years ago and it still stands at 1,808 yards today. If the Cowboys want to contend they may need their rookie workhorse RB to break that record. Hopefully the Cowboys were able to find enough fabric for a full jersey for their star rookie.
Houston Texans (+3456)
No reason to watch this team except for JJ WATT.
Oakland Raiders (+3957)
This team could be sneakily fun this year, but they're still the Raiders so they probably won't be. Their QB probably lost a lot of money in his rookie deal because his older brother was terrible. He's got two more seasons and with continued improvement should be looking at a nice deal after 2017.
Buffalo Bills (+5557)
TYGOD and SAMMY are fun to watch and Rex and Rob Ryan will be entertaining, but that's about it. I expect their season to be similar to the below gif.
Washington Racists
This team has no relevance to anything that is happening this season on the field or in fantasy. If you are rooting for this team or any of its players then god help you. Since there is no better use of this space I will post some gifs of Jamison Crowder lighting up TAMU in the Chick Fil A Bowl a few years ago.
San Diego Chargers (+6062)
The offense has an experienced gunslinger and enough weapons to score. The management of this organization is a joke. They apparently don't care about anything other than pinching pennies which is why the team will continue to be average at best.
Atlanta Falcons (+6090)
JULIO JONES. The gameplan should be to see how many games JULIO JONES can get 20+ catches, 200+ yards, and 3+ TDs by throwing him the ball EVERY PLAY. Same story as the Giants. Everyone sucks except for one WR. This team just sucks a little more and has a tougher division.
New York Jets (+6302)
This team is boring and bad. Their season will be a trainwreck, but that's nothing new for them.
New Orleans Aints
DRU BREE and company will score a lot and will get scored on a lot more.
Detroit Lions (+7339)
This city is so terrible that all-time great players keep retiring in the middle of their careers to get out. Without Calvin Johnson there is no reason to watch the Lions.
Philadelphia Eagles (+7413)
The Eagles just unloaded Bradford and will be rolling out their QB of the future, Carson Wentz, from day 1. No one has even seen him play vs. real competition so who knows what to expect.
Jacksonville Jaguars (+7463)
They have an exciting passing game and nothing else. The best part about this team is that they accept that the stadium experience sucks so they built a pool and show RedZone.
Miami Dolphins (+7679)
These guys will pop champagne at some point this season and the fact that people are talking about the Dolphins being good once will be the high point of their season.
LA Rams
The biggest news in the NFL offseason was that there is a team in LA again for the first time in decades and its the Rams. Todd Gurley is good, but otherwise they are not.
Chicago Bears (+8051)
Cutlahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+10000)
Led by Big Rape's thieving understudy they are hoping to progress towards respectability this year. I'm just hoping for a "**** HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY" audible at the line at some point during the season.
San Francisco 49ers (+12409)
There is a better chance that Kaep apologizes for sitting during the National Anthem and is elected President of the United States in November than there is of them winning the Super Bowl this year.
Tennessee Titans (+18042)
Can Mariota make a leap in year two?
Last and certainly least we have the...
Cleveland Browns (+26538)
The big questions going into this season are will RG3 live long enough to witness the return of Josh Gordon and will LeBron James be able to supplant Gary Barnidge as the #1 TE.
Cheerleaders:
At exactly 1 PM on Sunday, September 11, 2016 my favorite man in show business will begin broadcasting 7 HOURS OF COMMERCIAL FREE FOOTBALL
Last season ended with this
Even 2 time winning Quarterback and football's favorite little bro couldn't believe that the GOAT did it again
This play got Von Miller PAID
This guy ended the season SAD
But he has promised to retire the famed celebration below and come back with a better one starting tonight
In the interim we had a draft where picks were made and laughs were had (mostly at this guy's expense)
A court upheld the obviously correct decision to suspend the fraudulent QB of the Patriots
But tonight the drought will end and football will once again begin. Our savior has given us a rematch of the final game of the 2015 season with one notable change. Instead of the GOAT, something called a Trevor Siemian will start at QB for the defending champs. For this is the moment our Lord and Savior has promised us and we shall honor him by saying together "PRAISE BE. PRAISE BE TO ROGER GOODELL."
Now a look at your 2016 teams (Ascending odds to win the SB per Pinny today)
New England Cheatriots (+782)
The main question is whether they can hold up through 4 games until they get the head ball deflator back from suspension. They will be led by two very different personalities in his absence:
Seattle Seahawks (+783)
This team is actually led by a colorful coach and quarterbacked by one of the most boring, inauthentic, overrated, and despicable people on Earth. Their defense is good, their gameplans are solid, and they will hopefully fall short of their goal as they did when their overhyped QB was tested by God to show the rest of us how to deal with failure by throwing a game ending interception two Super Bowls ago. Hopefully God makes him stronger through failure a lot more this season.
Green Bay Packers
This team is theoretically led by the brother of the Bachelorette winner. However, there are two BIG problems standing between him and another Super Bowl. Those problems are named FAT MIKE and FAT EDDIE, respectively. And if I know one thing its that FAT MIKE and FAT EDDIE know about force feeding and I expect a lot of inexplicable ESTABLISHING this season followed by SENDING IN THE KICKING TEAM and TAKING THE POINTS. Will this be enough to derail Godgers with Jordy back? That remains to be seen.
Arizona Cardinals (+957)
If you haven't watched the Amazon Prime documentary on them from last season then I recommend it. Its called "All or Nothing" and is a pretty cool look behind the scenes. This team has no obvious faults or deficiencies and they have talent at every position. If Carson Palmer stays healthy they should cruise to double digit victories and be real contenders for the title.
Pittsburgh Stealers (+998)
Led by a rapist quarterback and the best WR in football who will be looking to shatter all kinds of records this year they should have the best offense in football once they get their star RB back from suspension. Look for them to run more uptempo offense and go for two a lot. Their games will be entertaining no matter what and also extremely painful if you don't own any of their players in karakball.
Carolina Panthers (+1038)
Led by Scam Newton, Riverboat Ron, dkgojackets, and eltbus the defending Super Bowl losers look to make it back to the promised land. I hope they don't. In reality they will score a lot, give up scores much less, and easily win the NFC South.
Denver Broncos (+1613)
Last year's historic defense led them to a Super Bowl title with Peyton Manning at the reigns. The defense should be stout again, but historically elite defenses almost never perform at the same level the next year. They're also quarterbacked by a guy named Semen so that's not the best look. Here's a pic of him in case you are worried you won't be able to pick him out.
Cincinnati Bengals (+1704)
They are starting former 2p2er Arod's Cousin at Quarterback which is a cause for concern. Their best player is star wideout AJ Green who will be glad that the glowing ginger hair of his quarterback is covered by the slightly less orange helmet. I have no idea how or why their odds are this good since they have never won anything, but whatever. They seem like a decent, but not great team.
Kansas City Chiefs (+2110)
I assume their plan is going to be to win games with defense and rely on the ground game to try to score 17 points a game since they are still being quarterbacked by a guy who cannot throw the ball downfield. If you like screens and 6 yard passes on 3rd and 10 then this is your team!
Indianapolis Colts (+2428)
The Colts will plan to let their franchise QB throw the ball a lot and hope he scores more than their defense allows. Its not a complicated plan, but it is about all that their coach is capable of mustering. Is Andrew Luck actually good? I expect that we will know at the end of this season.
The rest of these teams all suck in some way or another so I'll be brief in describing how they suck.
New York Giants (+2440)
OBJ is good. No one else on the roster is. This makes for entertaining offensive series, but little else. They might win the putrid division, but won't win anything else.
Minnesota Vikings (+2528)
Teddy died and so did their hopes at winning the Super Bowl. ADP will be relied on heavily and if he has anything left in the tank he could have a very special season.
Baltimore Ravens (+3171)
Is Joe Flacco elite? Well, if he manages to get this team deep into the playoffs he might actually be.
Dallas Cowboys (+3392)
Now that Romo is completely broken the only thing worth watching with this year's edition of the Cowboys is ZEKE. Eric Dickerson set the rookie rushing record 33 years ago and it still stands at 1,808 yards today. If the Cowboys want to contend they may need their rookie workhorse RB to break that record. Hopefully the Cowboys were able to find enough fabric for a full jersey for their star rookie.
Houston Texans (+3456)
No reason to watch this team except for JJ WATT.
Oakland Raiders (+3957)
This team could be sneakily fun this year, but they're still the Raiders so they probably won't be. Their QB probably lost a lot of money in his rookie deal because his older brother was terrible. He's got two more seasons and with continued improvement should be looking at a nice deal after 2017.
Buffalo Bills (+5557)
TYGOD and SAMMY are fun to watch and Rex and Rob Ryan will be entertaining, but that's about it. I expect their season to be similar to the below gif.
Washington Racists
This team has no relevance to anything that is happening this season on the field or in fantasy. If you are rooting for this team or any of its players then god help you. Since there is no better use of this space I will post some gifs of Jamison Crowder lighting up TAMU in the Chick Fil A Bowl a few years ago.
San Diego Chargers (+6062)
The offense has an experienced gunslinger and enough weapons to score. The management of this organization is a joke. They apparently don't care about anything other than pinching pennies which is why the team will continue to be average at best.
Atlanta Falcons (+6090)
JULIO JONES. The gameplan should be to see how many games JULIO JONES can get 20+ catches, 200+ yards, and 3+ TDs by throwing him the ball EVERY PLAY. Same story as the Giants. Everyone sucks except for one WR. This team just sucks a little more and has a tougher division.
New York Jets (+6302)
This team is boring and bad. Their season will be a trainwreck, but that's nothing new for them.
New Orleans Aints
DRU BREE and company will score a lot and will get scored on a lot more.
Detroit Lions (+7339)
This city is so terrible that all-time great players keep retiring in the middle of their careers to get out. Without Calvin Johnson there is no reason to watch the Lions.
Philadelphia Eagles (+7413)
The Eagles just unloaded Bradford and will be rolling out their QB of the future, Carson Wentz, from day 1. No one has even seen him play vs. real competition so who knows what to expect.
Jacksonville Jaguars (+7463)
They have an exciting passing game and nothing else. The best part about this team is that they accept that the stadium experience sucks so they built a pool and show RedZone.
Miami Dolphins (+7679)
These guys will pop champagne at some point this season and the fact that people are talking about the Dolphins being good once will be the high point of their season.
LA Rams
The biggest news in the NFL offseason was that there is a team in LA again for the first time in decades and its the Rams. Todd Gurley is good, but otherwise they are not.
Chicago Bears (+8051)
Cutlahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+10000)
Led by Big Rape's thieving understudy they are hoping to progress towards respectability this year. I'm just hoping for a "**** HER RIGHT IN THE PUSSY" audible at the line at some point during the season.
San Francisco 49ers (+12409)
There is a better chance that Kaep apologizes for sitting during the National Anthem and is elected President of the United States in November than there is of them winning the Super Bowl this year.
Tennessee Titans (+18042)
Can Mariota make a leap in year two?
Last and certainly least we have the...
Cleveland Browns (+26538)
The big questions going into this season are will RG3 live long enough to witness the return of Josh Gordon and will LeBron James be able to supplant Gary Barnidge as the #1 TE.
Cheerleaders:
Spoiler:
At exactly 1 PM on Sunday, September 11, 2016 my favorite man in show business will begin broadcasting 7 HOURS OF COMMERCIAL FREE FOOTBALL
LET US FOOTBALL
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