Yeah yeah yeah, it's too early and your OPs always suck. **** off, if you don't like it don't click the thread. Since I would rather read every MicroBob post in history than watch euro nonsense including and most especially the upcoming lolympics, and since its 110 ****ing degrees outside, I'm hoping this will spark some discussion about the upcoming season.
By division:
AFC East
1. New England Patriots
2011 Record: 13-3
They're gonna be really good as always. Especially on offense. Their only real weakness last season was the lack of a deep threat. They added Jabbar Gaffney and Brandon Lloyd to try to rectify that. They cut Ochocrapo. Matt Light retired, which could be a minor problem. But Tom Brady is still Tom Brady and BB is still BB so they're gonna score a really lot of points. Maybe Welkahbrah, who inexplicably still doesn't understand that he's not that ****ing good and owes everything he has in life to TB and BB, will STFU, stop complaining about making $8m, and not drop crucial passes like the one he dropped to win the Super Bowl last year.
I'm not gonna lie, I don't know that much about their defense except that it isn't that good. They have Vince Wilfork, who is like 500 pounds and stops the run. And apparently gets interceptions. But I'm pretty sure their secondary is complete AIDS. They did draft lots of defense so I guess we'll see.
Oh, they have a really good punter named Zoltan Mesko. They also cheated a long time ago. The haters are still furious about it.
2012 Prediction: 13-3
2. Buffalo Bills
2011 Record: 6-10
Remember when the Bills started out like 5-1 or something last year? Everyone still knew they were horrible. Even Natediggity, who is to my knowledge the only actual Bills fan in America. This is one boring-ass team. I know they're getting better, I know their defense is pretty good. I love that Stevie Johnson blames god for drops, thereby getting the haters irate. But I have no interest in watching an entire Bills game. Did you know Ryan Fitzpatrick went to Harvard? Yes I did, thank you to whatever asshat got assigned to the #5 game this week (RIP Gus).
Anyway, they'll be better but still not good. On a side note, I suspect that Bills fans are among the drunkest in the NFL. You have to be to a) go to games in that weather and b) watch this team every year.
2012 Prediction: 9-7
3. The New York Jets
2011 Record: 8-8
What's left to say about these clowns? I mean really. Rex Ryan is apparently less fat. Good for him. Unfortunately Mark Sanchez is still a horrible football player. I will say this for the Jets, they have the most amusing group of 2+2 supporters in the NFL.
And Tebow. I still don't really understand why they traded for him unless they are finally willing to admit that Sanchize blows and are preparing to bench him. It's really only a matter of time before Tebow gets on the field and Mason has to rebuild 2+2. BartScottcantwait.gif.
2012 Prediction: 8-8
4. Miami Lolphins.
2011 Record: 6-10
This team was actually way better than their record indicated last year, and they were competitive in almost every game. Matt Moore is really underrated. Their young defense is really starting to come together. Dolphins fans have a lot to look forward to this year!
2012 Prediction: 3-13
AFC North Division
1. Baltimore Ravens
2011 Record: 12-4
Ravens had their best shot at another Super Bowl since the year Ray Lewis killed a dude. Lee Evans, not a good time for a drop bro.
For some reason Joe Flacco not only thinks he's like the best QB of all time, but can't STFU about it even though he is clearly wrong. He makes all kinds of excuses for everything and is just an all-around douche. Which doesn't make him a bad player, just annoying. In other words, he is the Greear of the NFL.
They'll be really good again. The AFC North is overrated as the lolSteelers are old and bad and not able to lean on another joke of a schedule, the Bengals are good but not great, and the Browns are the Browns.
2012 Prediction: 13-3
2. Cincinnati Bengals
2011 Record: 9-7
OK several things to cover here.
Mike Brown is a scumbag. I wouldn't piss on him if he were on fire. The only thing that's gonna keep me from pissing on his grave is the line. **** him and his incompetent daughter, who will ensure that this franchise is run as smoothly as an Afghan election until like 2050.
FIRE MARVIN. This ****ing guy is the absolute worst. I think I was the only one paying attention during their playoff game against the TJ Yates led Texans last year, but Marvin burned his challenges in a manner that Andy Reid thinks was really stupid. He insists on running Cedric Benson into the middle of the line 30 times a game for no ****ing reason other than he learned in 1974 that WINNING TEAMS RUN THE FOOTBALL. **** off Marvin.
Now, despite those two things, this team is pretty good. AJ Green is an absolute freak. He makes Ginger look so much better than he is - if Dalton could deliver a deep ball on time Green would have Megatron-esque numbers.
The defense is good. Secondary injuries killed them last year, and if they avoid injury they should be a borderline elite unit.
2012 Prediction: 10-6
3. Pittsburgh Steelers
**** these mother****ers. Their owner shipped Santonio Holmes for beating his wife, but retained serial rapist Big Rape. They cheat, they headhunt, they deny 9/11. Is it any surprise they share a state with Happy Valley? From ****ing orbit.
They're old. Their schedule isn't a total joke like last year. They're finally gonna miss the playoffs. Would like action on this btw, even from AIDSdgci, who I had to pay last year in one of the most painful moments of my life.
4. Cleveland Browns
First of all, Mike Holmgren makes $10m a year. That's pretty incredible. Dick Fuld thinks he's overpaid relative to performance. Mix in a salad good sir.
Second, this is one of if not the only NFL team that has no hope for the present or the future. The QB situation is totally ****ed. They have no WR weapons. Their defense is meh. They play, without question, the most boring games of any team in the league. When the only positive is 'We're not Jacksonville,' that's a problem.
AFC South Division
1. Houston Texans
2011 Record: 10-6
This team is loaded on both sides of the ball. Kubiak stopped being a complete retard last year, and they were awesome. Then everyone got injured. Arian Foster was dressing like a ****ing idiot way before Bron and Wade and the rest of the NBA. Not that that's relevant to anything other than LeBron being a frontrunning tool.
2012 Prediction: 13-3
2. Tennessee Titans
2011 Record: 8-8? I don't care enough to look it up.
If someone on this board, or anywhere really, cares about this team since Vince Young stopped winning games, let me know. Otherwise I see no reason not to stop wasting time and energy typing about them.
2012 Prediction: 6-10
3. Indianapolis Colts
2011 Record: 2-14
First off, Jim Irsay is a bigger attention whore than Goodie. Congrats on being able to operate a mobile device bro.
Second, I am going to miss Jim Caldwell. His empty, befuddled look of complete cluelessness in every situation will be sorely missed.
Third, Andrew Luck! I'm sure he'll be good, but the Colts have no WRs at all.
Fourth, this team is going to be really bad.
2012 Prediction: 2-14. In b4 SHOULD THEY DRAFT MATT BARKLEY dumbass fake controversy.
4. LOS JAGUARES
In honor of Needle, I'm going to dispense with an in-depth analysis of their suckitute and post pictures of hot cheerleaders. Enjoy.
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AFC West Division
1. Denver Broncos
2011 Record: 9-7
John Elway looks like a horse. Peyton Manning is the GOAT. Only natural that they should join forces. I really have no idea if this team is going to be good or not seeing as we have no clue if GOAT can even throw right and his WRs are not good. The defense should be pretty solid. Hope you like watching them, because they are playing in primetime every single week.
2012 Prediction: 10-6
2. San Diego Chargers
2011 Record: 8-8
A.J. Smith is a genius. Just ask him. And in keeping with his long history of letting great players go because he thinks he can replace them for cheap, the Chargers let Vincent Jackson go. They signed Robert Meachem and Eddie Royal. Malcolm Floyd has lots of potential. We'll see.
Of course the real problem with this team is Norv 'call timeout to think about challenging, then challenge and lose' Turner. By all accounts he is a really nice guy. He is also, unfortunately, a ****ing idiot. He is to coaching what W was to the presidency. Nice enough guy, but awful at his job and impossible to get rid of.
2012 Prediction: 9-7
3. Oakland Raiders
Raider home games look like incredibly scary places. In most stadiums I think if you just go neutral colors and STFU, you won't die. Not true at Raider games. These dudes are ****ing terrifying.
I would like to congratulate Carson Palmer on getting out of Cincy. But dear god this guy has turned into an INT machine. Ever since the Steelers took out his knee in the playoffs he has never been the same. Sad really.
The running game is really good except that everyone always gets hurt. Maybe that wouldn't happen if they didn't play on a ****ing baseball field with elevation changes and dirt everywhere.
4. Kansas City Chiefs
2011 Record: 7-9
You know why Romeo is smiling so broadly in that picture? Because even he can't believe he got another head coaching job in the NFL. Amazingly, it appears that he's even fatter than when he roamed the sidelines with Jim Caldwell face for the Browns. If you root for this team, get ready to get really mad on game days. Romeo is in the running for #1 WOAT in-game coach, aka the Chilly award.
Matt Cassel sucks. When is KC going to realize this? I don't know, but they aren't going anywhere until they do, which is sad because their defense is really good.
NFC East
1. New York Giants
2011 Record: 9-7
These guys luckboxed the Super Bowl. Again. Packers played their worst game of the season, Niners had to put in a rookie backup to return punts and he dropped the ball twice to lose the game, and Welker dropped the game winner in the Super Bowl. Whatever. I don't dislike them or anything, just how it is.
Eli Manning is really good at QB. Their defensive line is awesome. I don't know where all these superhuman pass rushers come from, but they are great. When the pass rush doesn't get there, their secondary is pretty meh imo.
2012 Prediction: 10-6
2. Philadelphia Eagles
2011 Record: 8-8
Did you know Andy Reid's kids are drug dealers? The owners are getting a divorce, let's hope for some McCourt-esque trainwreckage. Philly fans are fat and drunk.
Anyway, the team should be much better. They found new and exciting ways to lose games they should have won like every week last year. Of course Andy will still be Andy so they'll waste timeouts and totally ignore clock management. And lose lots and lots of challenges (and fail to challenge when they would win).
Despite having what is likely the #32 LB corps in the league, I think they're a playoff team.
2012 Prediction: 10-6
3. Dallas Cowboys
Man did he dodge a bullet with Simpskank.
2011 Record: 8-8
I don't know how this team manages to lose so many games every year. Romo is good for 2 WTF ARE YOU DOING ZOMG losses per year on average. Last year that lol loss to the Jets and the multi-pick 6 when up 20 game against the Lions were both entirely his fault. Throw in a healthy dose of lol Dez, an incompetent coaching staff and a meddling owner/gm, and I guess that explains it. Oh yeah, and Mike Jenkins.
4. Washington Redskins
If you want to know anything about the Redskins or argue with someone who thinks they won't suck, go find an Assani thread. If you simply want to marvel at their constant incompetence and suckitude, go find the LOL Redskins thread.
They're going to be terrible.
NFC South Division
1. New Orleans Saints
2011 Record: 13-3
They'll still be really good. Still not really understanding what's taking so long to give Brees whatever the **** he wants, but whatever. I'm sure they'll sign him. It seems like they're losing a number of guys on defense but they weren't that good at defense to begin with. It seemed like every Saints game I watched last year featured Roman Harper getting torched for like 200 yards.
I mean it's LDO obvious, but these guys need home field throughout. So maybe don't lose to the Rams by 30 for no apparent reason this year.
2. Atlanta Falcons
2011 Record: 10-6
Roddy White is great. Julio is great. RBs are fine. Line is fine. They just always lose in the first round of the playoffs. Not sure WTF their problem is. One thing I know for sure is that they suck at short yardage.
As an aside, I feel horrible for Falcons fans because they always get the PURE AIDS fatness of Tony Sirigusaids calling their games.
2012 Prediction: 7-9
3. Carolina Panthers
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Also, Fig Guy!
I sincerely hope they are good, 'cause Cameron Newton is fun to watch. I don't really know anything about the rest of their team except that Steve Smith is a) likes to fight guy and b) really good.
2012 Prediction: 7-9
4. Tampa Bay Bucs
Maybe Greg Sciano will 'succeed' like he 'succeeded' at Rutgers, i.e. take a perennially awful team and make them mediocre for one year then be hailed as the next big thing.
JASHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Freeman was terrible last year. I think it's likely because he's not a good football player. This will be even more apparent when he remains bad with a massively upgraded WR corps. Fan.tasy tip: LeGarrette Blount is a beast stuck on a terrible team - draft him.
This team needs Chucky. But he isn't coming back.
Prediction: 4-12
NFC West Division - no longer the WDOAT
1. San Francisco 49ers
2011 Record: 13-3
Are they building a new stadium yet? I sure hope so.
Anyway, I have no idea if they are actually good but it sure seems like it. Their defense is no joke, that's for sure. The problem is lol Alex Smith. Yeah I know, he was great against the Saints. Blah Blah Blah, its the Saints, their secondary blows. Also, he's still ****ing Alex Smith. Nobody thinks he can win a Super Bowl. They're all right.
2. Arizona Cardinals
2011 Record: 8-8
I'm still getting used to these guys having a good defense. They do though. What's ****ing criminal is having Larry Fitzgerald on your team and having a bad passing game. Why do they have a bad passing game you ask? Because Kolb went full Cassel and blows chunks. They won a bunch of games with a Skeleton at QB.
Aside: can AZ fans explain why your state is so bat**** insane? Like, I get that there are lots of dumb racist people out there, but your elected representatives are mentally ill. Why?
3. Seattle Seahawks
2011 Record: 7-9
Fun fact about Pete Carrol: when coaching USC, he put a student up in a Malibu apartment. Charlie Weis then outed him for it, on the record! I hate fat Charlie as much as the next guy, but that's some funny ****.
Anyway, you have a loud stadium. And rain. Unfortunately, you also have Tavaris Jackson at QB. gg.
2012 Prediction: 6-10
4. St. Louis Rams
2011 Record: 2-14
Does Sam Bradford suck? Who knows. He's injured a bunch. His WRs are a joke. But Steven Jackson is wasting away on this disaster of a franchise. Upside: thanks to Dan Snyder they'll probably be good in like 3 years.
Also, I miss them being owned by a 110 year old zombie of a woman.
2012 Prediction: 1-15
NFC North Division
1. Green Bay Packers
2011 Record: 14-2
What the **** happened in that Giants game? Admittedly, I was semi-blackout drunk so I don't really remember anything other than Jermichael Finley dropping like 10 passes and Eli torching the secondary.
It's time to end the Lambeau leap. It's tired and lame. Come up with something new. Also, Mike McCarthy is really fat.
2012 Prediction: 16-0
2. Detroit Lions
2011 Record: 10-6
You know what confuses me? How 80k people in Detroit, MI can afford tickets to an NFL game. Like, are they trading their food stamps for tickets or something?
STOP GETTING ARRESTED.
I challenge anyone to watch the NFL.com wired for sound segment with Matt Stafford and not like him. Everywhere else on 2+2 being a ****ing boss is celebrated, yet in SE for some reason Stafford's tapping of prime ass is a source of ridicule. **** that.
Calvin Johnson played his college football at Georgia Tech. That must have been the most frustrating experience in human history.
2012 Prediction: 10-6
3. Chicago Bears
2011 Record: 8-8
Matt Forte got hurt. Since the Bears management is retarded and won't give him a contract, he made no effort to return. Cutler also got hurt being an idiot, trying to make a tackle on an INT. Caleb Haine LOL ensued. As such, 2/3 of a season of luckboxing was wasted.
They signed Brandon Marshall. So as long as the line doesn't get Cutler killed they should be pretty good on offense. But the division is just too tough.
2012 Prediction: 8-8
4. Minnesota Vikings
2011 Record: bad
Black Chilly may be the worst coach in the league. It's pretty incredible that this team has a top 3 offensive and defensive player in the league and still blows chunks. I honestly feel bad for their fans.
2012 Prediction: 5-11
Power rankings coming.
Two Plus Two
NFL Preseason 2012 Discussion & Power Rankings
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