2023 VERY TRUE AND PLAUSIBLE PREDICTIONS
- The Packers and the Jets will have identical records. 9 wins +/- 1
- The Cowboys will have a decent season but will fail embarrassingly at the end of the season. Fat Mike will keep his job.
- The top three QBs in the draft (O-h-i-o, The Bama Midget and Tim Tebow II) will all be busts.
- Sam Darnold will be the starting QB of the 49'ers by week 8. 49'ers will sign Nathan Peterman as his backup.
- Josh Allen will score a TD at home and be hit on the helmet by 5 dildos simultaneously. The experience will be so traumatic that the Bills will lose 5 games in a row.
- Russell “High Knees” Magic Water will be benched at some point during the season.
- Tua will have 5 more concussions by end of the week 5. He'll still somehow be allowed to play.
- Chris Jones will sign a contract by week 3. He will suffer a year ending injury in week 4.
- Jackson Mahomes will be found guilty of assault and later forcibly assaulted in prison.
- After finally making the playoffs last year, The #1 Chargers will miss the playoffs this year.
- Tom Brady will figure out a loophole that allows him to play on the team he partially owns. He will immediately name himself starting QB.
Thursday
Detroit Lions @ Kansas City Chiefs (-6.5)
Early
Carolina Panthers @ Atlanta Falcons (-3.5)
Houston Texans @ Baltimore Ravens (-10)
Cincinnati Bengals (-2.5) @ Cleveland Browns
Jacksonville Jaguars (-5) @ Indianapolis Colts
Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ Minnesota Vikings (-6)
Tennessee Titans @ New Orleans Saints (-3)
San Francisco 49'ers (-2.5) @ Pittsburgh Steelers
Arizona Cardinals @ Washington Commies (-7)
Late
Green Bay Packers @ Chicago Bears (-1)
Las Vegas Raiders @ Denver Broncos (-3.5)
Miami Dolphins @ Los Angeles #1 Chargers (-3)
Philadelphia Eagles (-4) @ New England Patriots
Los Angeles Rams @ Seattle Seahawks (-5)
SNF
Dallas Cowboys (-3.5) @ New York Giants
MNF
Buffalo Bills (-2.5) @ New York Jets