well, I would never want to date anyone who could be talked into dumping me or staying with me by her friends. If that leaves me looking for a unicorn then I would prefer that to being with someone who is unwilling or unable to make a decision like that without outside input. If the girl finds it a big deal because it makes her feel unappreciated then thats fair and she should get out. You shouldn't stay in a relationship if you feel unappreciated, but really I dont know how you even end up in a relationship like that to start with.

I would rather this be regarded as a mistake than be basically forced into doing certain things because of how her friends or coworkers will perceive me based on what she tells them. That does NOT mean I dont do nice things, but rather that I do them because I want to than because they will make her look good by making me out to be a great catch. I would much rather take my girlfriend out to celebrate an accomplishment or to have a nice dinner after she had a really tough day at work than do something because some date on a calendar dictates it.

leoslayer,

i grew up in east tennessee and am familiar with the type of restaurants around there (although not the mom and pops in raleigh that you frequent). what do you think about the food and prices at:
golden corral
cracker barrel
waffle house
sticky fingers
ruby tuesdays
piccadilly cafeteria
texas roadhouse

You're doing two things wrong.

One, presuming that advice for the guy that claims to know that "Women want a guy who *might* be interested in them, but has plenty of other options", or that women are not interested in men that would do anything for them, and is treating them thus, is appropriate for you.

Two, "You would rather", but let's acknowledge two things: this is about what she wants/needs/likes, AND to the majority of people tradition is still pretty important.

Lastly, I see nothing wrong with a love of celebrating holidays, and we certainly almost all make efforts to be socially successful. You wash your face and put on clean clothes before work, don't you? The point that you are objecting to is simply a function of that same principle. Refusing to acknowledge it is like wearing track pants to a job interview...except at that interview you are only hurting the girl you like/love.

needs more exclamation marks!

both parties in a relationship have equal rights to selfishness imo. If one party has to do something they detest just because the other likes it the relationship will not succeed. In your example the guy needs to do something he doesnt enjoy (or substitute any of a number of other verbs) in order to make the girl happy. If the natural order of things isnt such that incentives align without prodding them the relationship will not be a good one. I never feel a need to go out of my way to do things for my gf because I naturally enjoy dates, surprises, etc. that she does too. I'm selfish sure, but so is any girl who says that its about what she wants in certain scenarios. Both are equally justifiable views and should be vilified or condoned in the same manner.

Wow..you really are chasing special unicorns created by God, just for you.

You absolutely should do things you detest once in a while to make the other happy. Her gain in this scenario is on at least three significant fronts, social, personal, and nuisance avoidance. Your dislike of calendars/social norms are relatively insignificant, by comparison.

In this instance she should win, and if you can't see why you are not the catch you think you are.

Signed,
An ovo-lacto vegetarian of over a decade who has gone fishing with her SO in the last 7 days.

meh, doing anything that makes my life worse isnt really for me. I am constantly trying to improve myself and be happier on the margin. If doing something makes me happier then I do it, if it makes me less happy then I dont. I am a happier person when my girlfriend is happy so I do plenty of things to try to make sure she is happy, but never things that are going to make me less happy overall. I really doubt that you do things that make you less happy intentionally. If you do then I guess you operate with a different mindset than I do about life.

gc is a good value but i usually just go there with my children. (they love it and ask for it) i dont frequent cracker barrel, rare that ive been to waffle house usually 2-4am after being somewhere. its fine for what it is.
never heard of stickey fingers. went to a ruby tues 15yrs ago dont remember it.
dont go to picadilly or texas so not sure.

all these places are legit terrible aside from waffle house which is amazing.

You're going to be gem when it comes time to change diapers, clean up vomit, and stay awake all night rocking a baby that has colic and won't stop screaming.

I'm guessing you're pretty young, and relatively inexperienced with women, but your outlook is not functional or reasonable.

lol at suggesting the ****ty parts about having a child outweighs the joys. i recently got a dog and hate picking her poop up but thats part of the whole thing. your logic is terrible

leoslayer has no taste buds

never use coupons on a 1st date imo

edit-i dont want a girl to think im poor, and i dont want a girl that doesnt care if they are able to comfortably provide for a child.

using a groupon on first date when she isn't expecting it is probably a bad idea, however i do think bringing up that you have an expiring groupon could be a strategy for a higher acceptance rate to get a more casual first date if you aren't sure how to approach it in a better way. although she may accept your offer more out of sympathy than anything else.

Who suggested any such thing?

Cut and dry.

The guy never challenged the three fronts on which the girl in the hypothetical scenario wins...he responded with "meh, I don't feel like trying to make her happy". The ratio of his happy to hers is 1>3 IHO.

ok so how would these things rate on the girlfriend jealously scale kristy?

you build a paver patio for her at your cost spending about 40hrs in total on it and saving her between 1500 and 2000 vs if you treated her like a customer or she used somebody else.

you consistently do honeydo chores at her house. this keeps her from again having to hire people.

mind you we are just dating and do not plan on ever moving in.

mid 20s and 2 serious long-term relationships (one ongoing) so I'd classify that as correct.

I doubt it is not functional though. Being selfish about every single decision does not mean that you dont care about others or wont be able to be both selfish and fill her needs simultaneously. I think I just understand that every intentional action is inherently selfish. This doesnt mean I wont change a diaper. Sure, I would hate it, but the positives of being a good parent outweigh the negatives of things like that.

I would be willing to wager that you could not make me a list of even 5 things that you do that are inherently, at their most basic level, unselfish acts on your part. People do charity work because it makes them feel good. People give gifts because they like it and like seeing people they love happy. Girls who hate fishing go sometimes because they value the happiness that it bring their SO which in turn increases their happiness. I mean, how many people do you know that hate work? While the event itself sucks it doesnt make them less happy overall. If it did they would quit.

If me doing whatever on a date makes me less happy overall I wouldnt do it. However, I have literally, not once in my life, been made less happy by doing something nice for my girlfriend, mom, grandma, other family member, friend, or even coworker because they all make my life easier and happier as a whole. I give my girlfriend presents because I like to. I take her to dinner because I enjoy spending time with her. I call her after a 16 hour day at work because I know she wants to tell me about her day even though I am exhausted and will have little value to add. While doing yardwork at my own place is something I would detest and part of the reason I live in an apt I help my mom out with it sometimes and often do landscaping type stuff for my grandma. However, me doing all of these things is PURELY SELFISH. I derive value from seeing these people I care about happy about things that I can impact. If I didnt get value from this I would not do it, plain and simple. Painting these acts of giving as anything other than selfish acts is dishonest at best.