Its a ****ing gorgeous day out today, like 75 and sunny as hell. So I decide to go for a nice trail run by my house. I live right next to this huge "park" thats basically just a big series of large hills in the desert that has a ton of trails for biking and running and horseback riding, its pretty popular and on a day like today theres quite a few people out there.
So I throw on a pair of basketball shorts, lace up the ole running shoes and head out sans shirt since its so nice out. The parking lot is pretty full and as soon as Im about to hit the trailhead I already see 2 cute girls. 1 is crouched down ****ing with her shoe and the other one is facing me, im still walking cuz I dont start running till I get on the trail, and the girl standing (prolly a 5/10 on the OOT scale, which means shes pretty damn cute) gives me a big smile and hello, its so genuine that I actually think "****, I must know her, but I dont recognize her at all". I kinda do this awkward like half pause thing cuz Im thinking I must know her so etiquette dictates I should stop and chit chat for a second, yet my brain is confused cuz its pretty sure I do infact not know who the **** she is, so what actually happens is I kinda shuffle pause like a moron, mumble something thats like a cross between a "hey" and a "hi", cuz my brain has limited resources and apparently cant process speech while in such a situation, so it comes out like "heyaaye" then I give a crap attempt at saving the situation with a smile that im sure comes off just as awkward, at which point im now on the trail so I start my jog. My brain of course instantly clears up the second she is behind me and I mentally berate myself for being a ****ing moron and hate myself cuz Im sure ill never see that girl again since Im going on a long run and she and her friend are no doubt doing the lame little 2 mile "hike" that most people do. I ponder what we would have named our children and whether or not she is a screamer.
So anyway, the run I decide to do is like 8 miles that goes up the main trail then does this loop and meets back to the main trail. Its a pretty sweet run, the first part is long and up hill, then its flat but kinda rocky then long downhill. So im enjoying the fresh air, the feeling of my body in motion, the sweat flowing from my pores, and the sun on my skin, when I kinda start to feel a bit of cramping in my intestine. The kinda cramp like if you run farther than you are used to or get really dehydrated cuz its hot out while exercising and you end up getting the ****s later that night. Its weird cuz neither of those things applies on this occasion. Whatever, its not really a concern, im only going 8 miles so I doubt I even have to worry about it tonight. Well after Im done with the long uphill and get to the flat kinda plateau which is basically like the exact point im farthest from being home my stomach which has progressively been getting worse starts making noises and I actually can feel pressure in my lower abdominal area and what feels like gas shift its way from left to right. "Thank God" I think, Ill let rip a huge fart and ill feel better. About 10 strides later I realize a few things. 1) Its not going to be a fart 2) I have a zero % chance of making it home before this not fart takes place and 3) I have maybe a 50% chance of making it longer than about 60 seconds, and by making it longer, I mean like 70 seconds max.
I live in the ****ing desert, which means that you can have large areas of land where the tallest thing is a desert bush thats like 2 feet high and a bunch of dried dead grassy looking plants. Awesomly enough Im in just such an area. Which basically means theres zero cover available for when my bowels pull the emergency eject lever. Theres kind of a small hill on my left that the trail rounds around and a bush like maybe 2 feet tall, its going to have to do. But unfortunately I just passed a guy and a girl slowly jogging and now I have to wait for them to go by. So I kinda mosey off the trail towards this bush, while trying to look inconspicuous, when really what I want to do is push my butt cheeks together dance around and scream "HURRY THE **** UP!!!!". I pretend im looking for something, which im sure looks ******ed as all hell, cuz really, what the **** could I possibly be looking for off the trail in a bunch of dead grass?? They finally go by, I look down the trail that I can see praying no one else is coming in either drirection, but I'm going regardless. I drop trow and squat and proceed to let loose the most heinous ovaltine gusher Ive ever had my entire life. Its like turning on the faucet for the first time getting home from a long trip, that mix of air and water that explodes from the shuddering pipes. The 2 people who just passed if they didnt hear that certainly heard my "uuuugggggghhhhhhhh" and Im sure figured out what exactly it was I was looking for. Finally like the last bit of foam from a tapped keg my ass goes dormant, and amidst the rising heat and aroma from the ground I pause in like a post orgasmic glow. I can only imagine the pure bliss a woman must feel right after her birth canal finishes pushing a 8lb watermelon through it, but it must truly be amazing.
I however cant pause long, because Im basically squatting out in the open and someone could come into view literally any second, and im confronted with a new problem. wtf am I going to wipe with? Ive basically got 2 options, a sock or my underwear. One involves having to untie my show and then use a sweaty sock to wipe with, not a pleasant thought, nor very fast. The other involves deft maneuvering and the possibility someone rounds the corner and finds me basically butt naked, and also not exactly the quickest of plans. So Basically I decide the best action is no action. I just hike the garments back up and try and get away from my handy work as quick as possible. So now Im 4 miles from home, with ass cheeks slippery from **** lube and engulfed in a smell that I can literally visualize around me ala pigpen. I decide against jogging because I think the jostling would only send me into an encore performance, which more than likely is going to happen again anyway. So as I walk down the trail towards home trying to think of a better path once I reach the crowded main trail that im rapidly approaching, all the while paranoid a **** stain is growing on my backside and trying my best not to breathe through my nose, who do I see round the trail at the bottom of the hill im now on? Oh yes, God indeed loves me, for he hath given me a second chance at true love! **** my life.
So theyve already seen me, and theyve already seen me walking, so I cant be one of those ******s that starts running as soon as they see someone so that they look fit, tho im my case I wouldnt be trying to look impressive, id be trying to get past them as soon as possible. not that its really an option anyway, because I think if I even tried that, instead of them seeing me try and look fit, theyd get to see me **** my pants.
When Im about 10 paces away, cute girl again smiles at me and says "you going to actually say hello this time?". Why God? Why? I literally get hit on by random attractive girls out exercising as often as (insert something here that never happens, like me not crying when I masturbate, or a girl being truthful when she tells me its big). I give a really good smile and say hello with a twinkle in my eye (where the **** did that come from? Now that my grundle is dripping excrement Im ****ing smooth?) Her and her friend stop and I of course keep walking bye. Im half turning so my backside isnt as exposed and still smiling I say "have a nice hike" and she says "wait come here". For real? come here? Now I actually think no way can she be hitting on me and she just wants to ask me if I know that I smell like ****. "I uh....can't" I say and turn and keep walking all the while thinking "please dont be **** stain on my shorts, please dont be **** stain on my shorts, please dont be **** stain on my shorts". No reply comes from behind me, and I stare straight ahead and push forward wishing the ground would swallow me up. Now I actually hope I never see her again. *sigh*
Anyway, I make it back to the main trail and instead walk down this wash that runs parallel to it so that I dont encounter anyone, scared as hell ill have to go and not be able to hold it, cuz in the wash there would literally be nowhere to hide as the entire main trail could look down at see where ever it was I went. Thankfully I manage to get the rest of the way home without incident. Tho the last like 1/8th mile I was doing this funky speedwalker kinda thing through my neighborhood and trying to focus on anything but what was going on in my intestines. I survey the damage when I got a chance and God at least was kind enough that there wasnt **** stain on my shorts (tho the underwear had to get tossed, and ill prolly throw the shorts away anyway). So yeah, now im going to go masturbate and cry
cliff notes: I water the local flora and fauna.....with my butt
Alobar
