In before "girls pee out their butt."

Thank you for making the obvious yet necessary joke that I was too lazy to make

One of my very first memories:

Mom used to give me baths in the kitchen sink. One day, standing naked on the counter, I reached down and noticed my balls for the first time. I was completely perplexed because I couldn't remember having swallowed any marbles.

Seriously.

I went to Shea stadium for mets games a lot as a kid. They'd do that thing where during some random half inning a bunch of guys come out and shoot rolled up t shirts into the crowd with that air cannon. For the longest time I thought they were shooting vanilla milk shakes and always wondered why they never exploded

In before a blowjob is when a girl blows on your dick.

I used to think that in the past, when tv/films were black and white, colour didn't exist in the real world at all, and somehow someone decided to make coloured clothes in the late 1960s.

Once when I was very small my mom told me to take a picture of her. She said "Make sure I'm in the center because you don't want to cut my head off." For years I thought that somebody's head would actually get cut off if you didn't get them in a picture.

That people cared about the Queen of England

when i was real little i thought the wind blew because the tree were moving, now i think the trees move because the wind is blowing.