You are incorrect.

I thought the woman's father paid for the wedding ....

or is equality a thing now?

She probably didn't even come with a dowry either LOL stingy

Any women that doesn't come with at least a dozen goats just isn't worth marrying.

seriously. when will a mother pay up

Jack and Jill's are a common thing where I'm from in Western Massachusetts, but almost no one here in Boston has heard of them. Few ideas tilt me more than the bride and groom conga-line where they go around the room, dancing and shaking a hat in front of everyone sitting for cash.

Reading this made me feel really sad.

Someone is stingy because they invited you to a celebration and the hospitality wasn't good enough for you?

What a bunch of douchebags.

If you can't walk over to the grill and cook yourself something to eat; don't go. More food for me.

Kristy: You held a wedding where you spent more than you could afford. Your loved ones would have been happy with any celebration. Then you felt robbed because you expected people to put enough money in the gifts to offset what you spent.

I pity your husband.

There are plenty of restaurants bars, clubs, dance halls, etc. that "throw a party" every night for those who are willing to pay for them. Sometimes when you're walking by they invite you inside, but it has never made me feel particularly special.

Just imagining that made me shudder in discomfort.

Stinginess story (sorry not a Papa DD story):

I play in a home game with a bunch of regulars, who I'm casual friends with, but many of them are very close friends who have known each other for probably 20 years. Let's call the guy who runs the game Bill. Bill got married last year.

So his bachelor party was in Vegas, and he had about 8 or 9 friends come out (I was not one of them. No biggie, we're not that close. Just for clarification that I'm telling this story 2nd hand, but I heard it from several of the guys who went).

So the stingy guy in this story was a guy named Mitch. First act of stinginess was that the guys wanted to take a cab ride from the Trop intersection to the Flamingo intersection, but he refused to take a cab, which would have been probably 10 or 12 bucks, so with 4 guys in a cab, we're talking $3/person. He didn't want to pay that, so they all cabbed it and he walked, and they had to wait like 45 minutes for this ****ing guy before they could continue their night. They're much nicer friends than me, I wouldn't wait around for a prick like that. Then again I wouldn't have a prick like that at my bachelor party or in my life.

Another super stingy thing: they all went out for a "nice" dinner, and by nice, I mean about $25/person. When the bill comes, one of the friends suggests they take care of the bachelor's meal (why this wasn't discussed beforehand I'm not sure), so once again we're talking about $3 more per person. Well apparently Mitch refused to chip in and created a whole scene. God what a ****ing loser. Pisses me off just thinking about it. I'm glad I wasn't there because I would've gone off on this guy so hard about being the cheapest ****ing bastard in history.

Of course, he's still a regular in the game and a great friend of Bill because Bill has absolutely no spine.

Is the disproportionate hate a mommy-thing, or the standard, bitter divorce?

Actually my wedding came in below budget because I'm great at that sort of stuff, and did a lot of the work myself.

The money in card question was related to a very traditional church wedding up here in which I was a bridesmaid a few weeks ago. Obviously I said nothing, but at the brunch the morning after where they opened their gifts I was truly shocked when she opened a card that had $5 in it from a married couple I know.

So yeah, horrible read.

Just out of curiosity, why should the guests be the ones that pay for the wedding? If it's the couple's "perfect day", then shouldn't they also be the ones that pay for it, at least partially?

I agree with some of your earlier posts about wedding stinginess. But I've also never thought that the price of the gift should be related to the cost of the wedding. And I've also never felt that guests of a wedding should have any obligation to help the couple keep it debt free. Especially since the guests don't plan the wedding and it's not the guests "big day." Now, if parents or grandparents of the bride and groom want to make it a debt free event, that makes a lot more sense to me. But the guests?

This is second hand, but...

My gf's aunt hides the shampoo before her family guests take a shower. Her aunt also hides their prepared food and serves canned sardines with rice to family guests instead.

I definitely see the logic there, Econ. I tried to convey in the original question that I really wasn't sure what the right line was. It was just something I had always thought and done.

On the once-in-a-lifetime occasions I still think I'd rather do too much than not enough. On the semi-anonymous internet I will admit that $5-$25 in a card, like the wedding I was recently a bridesmaid in, feels like not enough. If you're going cheap, make something or give nothing at all but a card with nice thoughts. $5 at an open bar, sit down dinner feels wrong.

I haven't been to a ton of weddings but I always just assumed an envelope with cash (like 100$/person) was standard. Basically, the price of the meal. And a gift off the registry (or something more personal) if my wife goes to bridal shower. Obv, during the bachelor party the groom to be doesn't pay. Unless, he goes wild at a strip club or something and disappears (this happened).

I'm going to a super high-end wedding in a couple weeks in South Carolina. I was going to stick with my normal plan but I'm dropping 1500$ on the hotel for 4 nights + flights + rental car, etc. Should I adjust my gift? My wife is going to the bridal shower and the bachelor party is on a boat a couple days before the wedding.

He's a normal dude (manager at Applebee's, I've known him for 20ish years) but he comes from money so I'm assuming his/her parents are putting up at least some loot for this.

Villia, considering all the other expenses you're incurring, your original plan seems reasonable imo.

Were they at your wedding? You can get a good idea of where the bride and groom are on these issues by looking back at what they thought was appropriate.

Obviously, you should stay in your comfort zone, though.

Sounds like it is going to be an amazing time. Have fun!

Haha, yeah, I agree it can be a tough line.

Yeah, that's true, $5 is cheap. And even $25 in most cases.

One more question for you Kristy. Imagine you were invited to a close friend's wedding out of state. You had to pay your flight, a few nights in a decent hotel, and some miscellaneous costs for going out to eat, drink, etc. With these costs alone, you're already in the hole for $1000 or more. And let's say it's a nice wedding -- gorgeous venue, open bar, great food, incredible music, etc. You don't want to be a burden, so you get them a really nice gift. So, with the gift and expenses, you've paid somewhere between $1000 and $1500. Would it be fair for you and many other guests to pay that much, while the bride and groom have their wedding expenses reimbursed through gifts from the guests?

I use to know a guy who was super stingy never bought ketchup, mustard, napkins, salt, sugar and utensils because he basically raided the fast food joints his kitchen was filled plastic single packets and plastic utensils from various fast-food joints. I stopped talking to him after he snatched like 10 packs of crackers that they use to keep outside near the other condiments at Wendy's.

I guess my answer is this:

I was a bridesmaid two years ago in a close friend's very nice, traditional, wedding who lives 1000 miles away. Not only did we fly in, but I paid for two bridesmaid's dresses, (mine and my daughter's), and I loved them so much that I also doubled my normal rule of cost+a little.

I was accused of being involved in a "business transaction" earlier itt, but it never occurred to me to view that expense as Fair or Unfair, until I read your question. It's just about a genuine desire to make their day perfect.

I know that's a non-answer, sorry! I just don't see it that way.

No they didn't come, we didn't really have a wedding. We treated both our families to a nice dinner (20ish people) lol. And by treating, I mean there was as much wine/beer and great food as you could consume and we had pre-arranged to pay for it via plastic but her dad gave us an envelope with a decent chunk of change in it, so I guess he pretty much paid for it.

Thanks! It should def be fun! I was kind of hoping my wife would be cool with staying at one of the rental houses with a couple of mutual friends (including the bride and groom) but she insisted we are "big kids now" so I got a room at the hotel.

$5 in a card has to be a troll. I would rather get nothing. $25 might be acceptable if you were a broke student or something. If you're a functioning adult and you give $25 in a card you should be thoroughly embarassed.

$100 a person is pretty standard for someone I'm not very close with. Villian, I'd probably just give $250 for you and your wife and call it a day, given all the extra costs of that wedding.

Lol, me too. The thing was $5 in impersonal card happened repeatedly. I'd have given the benefit of the doubt and just assumed it was an inside joke until the couple I knew did the same. They're barely acquaintances, definitely no inside joke there.

Kristy,

I think you're getting a little extra flak than you deserve because of some misunderstandings/misinterpretation of your initial post. Most of your positions seem relatively reasonable to me.

Like Custer, though, I've always thought the gift amount based on how much they are spending is stupid.

I've been to a couple of super fancy weddings in SF and Nyc where following that guideline would be like $300-500 per person. Let's say you had a good idea that the cost was that based on where it was held and who was doing the dinner, etc. Would you and a partner really give them like $1000 for a present?

El D,

I'm guessing that the response is going to be that if she couldn't afford to give to the cost of her attendance to the couple, she would instead not attend.

Kristy,

How does your math incorporate fixed costs vs marginal costs? Like, should each person attending be trying to offset the cost of food/rentals/other which are paid on a headcount basis, or should they try to gauge how many total attendees there are and chop up the price of the venue/photographer/etc, or what?