The pre-meet taping of the black trackster schlongs does seem far-fetched.

Some good ones so far.

And yeah the schlong taping has to be bull****.

Was out with some friends at a bar for a bachelor party and we ran into a group of 6-7 girls. We ended up sitting at the table next to theirs and talking with them. Everyone's getting along fine until the drunk idiot douche bag in our group starts hitting on 1 of the girls and being overly aggressive. After a few mins of this I finally had enough and said something.

Me: You'll have to forgive him. He hasn't been the same since the tragic accident.

1 of the girls: That's sad. What kind of accident?

Me: Birth.

Everyone at both tables busted out laughing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL0WayC7jW0

Some guy at work asked if he could call me the Jolly Green Giant and I insta-replied with, "only if I can call you Steve."

His name was Steve.

Back in my early days of poker me and my friends used to have a weekly game in my parents basement. We hadnt yet figured out that blinds existed so over the course of our 7 hour $10 tourney, a wide range of topics came up. Someone was talking about the lost city of atlantis and asked what it's supposed general geographic location was. One of my particularly clever friends replied with "it's in my pants." I immediately followed with "no wonder it was never found." I still get cold chills thinking about it.

Also, in high school, all the cool kids used to hang out in the local wal mart parking lot while listening to rap music and discussing potential fights that somehow never happened. Me and my buddies were in my truck when a group of desperate fat chicks approached us. "What's up?" one of them asked. "My window." I replied as I rolled it up and promptly drove away.

Badass, I know.

Schlong-taping isn't BS. Patrick Ewing did it before every game. Only applies if you are hung like Patrick Ewing though.

lol

Will smith did it for a movie . cool cucumber

Here's mine (poker related, sorry; dealer tells nit STFU)

NEXT TIME YOU NEED TO GO TO THE TOILET FOR A DUMP,,,PLS MAKE SURE THAT YOU PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN THE TOILET CAUSE THATS WHAT HAS THE MOST **** ,,,,N NOT UR ARSE ...

Seriously, direct quote from a dissenter.

My ex told me pretty much the same thing. I told her that's what I expected if I didn't divorce her.

In 9th grade I called my teacher a "f***ing bony bitch." Not clever, but she was in fact bony and was being a bitch, so it was probably one of the more on point zingers I've come up with.