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"Sick" "Burns" You've Delivered IRL "Sick" "Burns" You've Delivered IRL

02-09-2012 , 10:02 PM
Spoiler:
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02-09-2012 , 10:07 PM
The other day i was having lunch with some buddies and we were each paying separately.
Waitress comes back after running our CCs. She calls for my friend Dan 3 times. "Daniel.......Daniel......Daniel?" At this point i say "It's ok he's not used to a woman calling out his name".
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02-09-2012 , 10:11 PM
Not mine, but a favorite of mine.

An old band message board was a pretty tight knit group. They released a new record and it wasn't selling well. "Our first week sales were only XXX" and a board member responded: "Yeah, more like first WEAK sales".
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02-09-2012 , 10:49 PM
My ex was ripping into me after I worked a double on my day off about how I didn't do something for her (related for her dog that she has almost a creepy relationship with). I had been working a double, but she thought I had the day off (I was KM at a kitchen). When I told her what happened, instead of understanding, she just went on about how much they mistreat me and how I should find another job and how dumb it is to work in kitchens, blah blah blah. She's yelling at me through the kitchen across the bar. I go to my cabinet and get my bong, load a bowl, and take a *tiny* rip, which sets her into an even worse rant about how all I do all day is smoke weed and I don't spend enough time with her. I set the bong on the counter, walked up to her, got behind her, looking up and down her back. She says "WHAT THE **** ARE YOU DOING??" to which I reply....

"I was looking for the off switch to the bitch machine... or do you just run on batteries?"

This did not end well.

Once, after giving a sarcastic reply to a silly statement, in front of a large group of friends (most of who favored me),the girl who stated the silliness said "Why do you have to be such a negative Nancy?" to which I replied "Because you're never a STFU Shannon".
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02-09-2012 , 10:59 PM
Many years ago I worked in a convenience store with a rather promiscuous woman a couple years older than me. One night out of the blue she was asking me about some of the rarely used buttons on our cash registers.

Her: "What does 'Abort' mean?"
Me: "You of all people should know what that means."

Spoiler:
It was common knowledge at work that she had recently had an abortion. My comment made her run back to the break room crying. I still feel kind of bad for saying that.
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02-09-2012 , 11:00 PM
HAHAHA CROSSING WORKPLACE BOUNDARIES IS HILARIOUS
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02-09-2012 , 11:02 PM
was Board spelled B-O-R-E-D?
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02-09-2012 , 11:34 PM
Aright, just thought of one, although not done by me.

After HS me and a bunch of friends went on a trip to Hawaii. There was 6 dudes, and two of these guys, lets call them Mike and Greg, were getting on each others' nerves the whole time.

After a bunch of sniping back and forth, near the end of the trip we go out to eat and Mike makes a big deal about how he won't get like anything on the menu, and the following convo ensues.

Mike - "I don't like chicken or shrimp"
Greg - "That's cause you're both"
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02-09-2012 , 11:54 PM
some of these are really lame imo.

but who are we to judge.
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02-09-2012 , 11:58 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by jmakinmecrzy
HAHAHAHA BECAUSE HE SUCKS DICK, RIGHT?
I laughed. Picturing House saying it.
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02-10-2012 , 12:21 AM
"I eat pieces of **** like you for breakfast."
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02-10-2012 , 12:57 AM
In Jr. High a good friend of mine was on the track team. He was the only white boy.

One day before a meet, the coach was passing tape out so the guys could wrap their schlongs to their legs. I guess it keeps it from flapping around or whatever.

Coach looks at friend and says, "you'll be alright."
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02-10-2012 , 01:17 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by RTHR

One day before a meet, the coach was passing tape out so the guys could wrap their schlongs to their legs. I guess it keeps it from flapping around or whatever.
I call BS
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02-10-2012 , 01:59 AM
Went on a road trip with some college buddies to see our team play a road game. On the drive back, one of my friends asked me what college that we've visited did I think had the best looking girls. Before I could answer, my friend John blurts out "oh i know, Brigham Young!" making reference on I have hooked with a couple of girls a few years younger. Everybody had a chuckle. My response back was "and We all know yours, Brigham Fat"

Everybody lets out a loud "oooooooooooo"
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02-10-2012 , 02:15 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alobar
I was thinking I must have a really bad memory cuz I cant really recall any specifics of my sick burns, but I know ive had a billion, cuz I constantly sick burn people.
This is yet another reason why I need a biographer to follow me 24x7, so that my splendor can be recorded for posterity. Instead, the twin demons of alcohol and apathy have turned my past into a blank slate.
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02-10-2012 , 02:43 AM
The pre-meet taping of the black trackster schlongs does seem far-fetched.
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02-10-2012 , 03:21 AM
Some good ones so far.

And yeah the schlong taping has to be bull****.
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02-10-2012 , 04:28 AM
Was out with some friends at a bar for a bachelor party and we ran into a group of 6-7 girls. We ended up sitting at the table next to theirs and talking with them. Everyone's getting along fine until the drunk idiot douche bag in our group starts hitting on 1 of the girls and being overly aggressive. After a few mins of this I finally had enough and said something.

Me: You'll have to forgive him. He hasn't been the same since the tragic accident.

1 of the girls: That's sad. What kind of accident?

Me: Birth.

Everyone at both tables busted out laughing.
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02-10-2012 , 05:34 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by thisisintense
was Board spelled B-O-R-E-D?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL0WayC7jW0
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02-10-2012 , 06:08 AM
Some guy at work asked if he could call me the Jolly Green Giant and I insta-replied with, "only if I can call you Steve."

His name was Steve.
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02-10-2012 , 06:16 AM


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02-10-2012 , 06:17 AM
Back in my early days of poker me and my friends used to have a weekly game in my parents basement. We hadnt yet figured out that blinds existed so over the course of our 7 hour $10 tourney, a wide range of topics came up. Someone was talking about the lost city of atlantis and asked what it's supposed general geographic location was. One of my particularly clever friends replied with "it's in my pants." I immediately followed with "no wonder it was never found." I still get cold chills thinking about it.

Also, in high school, all the cool kids used to hang out in the local wal mart parking lot while listening to rap music and discussing potential fights that somehow never happened. Me and my buddies were in my truck when a group of desperate fat chicks approached us. "What's up?" one of them asked. "My window." I replied as I rolled it up and promptly drove away.

Badass, I know.
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02-10-2012 , 06:21 AM
Schlong-taping isn't BS. Patrick Ewing did it before every game. Only applies if you are hung like Patrick Ewing though.
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02-10-2012 , 07:18 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by thaaxis
Back in my early days of poker me and my friends used to have a weekly game in my parents basement. We hadnt yet figured out that blinds existed so over the course of our 7 hour $10 tourney, a wide range of topics came up. Someone was talking about the lost city of atlantis and asked what it's supposed general geographic location was. One of my particularly clever friends replied with "it's in my pants." I immediately followed with "no wonder it was never found." I still get cold chills thinking about it.

Also, in high school, all the cool kids used to hang out in the local wal mart parking lot while listening to rap music and discussing potential fights that somehow never happened. Me and my buddies were in my truck when a group of desperate fat chicks approached us. "What's up?" one of them asked. "My window." I replied as I rolled it up and promptly drove away.

Badass, I know.
lol
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02-10-2012 , 08:30 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael Davis
Schlong-taping isn't BS. Patrick Ewing did it before every game. Only applies if you are hung like Patrick Ewing though.
Will smith did it for a movie . cool cucumber
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