Kids deliver these much better than adults.

I was at my brother's house a while ago, and we were watching football while his 4yo daughter played with her toys. Our team missed an open goal, and we both berated the TV. I said something like "ffs even I'd have scored that" and my niece immediately piped up:
"Don't be silly uncle John, you're too fat be on telly"

owned

These burns are so unsick they could all go out and run a marathon and donate their blood and stuff

lol quality ostrich

ONE TIME I TOLD A FAT GIRL SHE WAS FAT. I WAS LIKE EAT SOME MORE FOOD, FATTY, JUST KIDDING DON'T BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY FAT

'Eat, drink and be Jerry'

!!
funniest one by far

classic

+1 ldo

Not a "sick" burn but last "burn" I delivered to a stranger was some older alky with summer teeth at Target.

Dude was with his wife and was standing way too close to me in line the whole time (standing in front of his cart), with back to me and facing and talking to his wife on the whole other side of the cart (where normal, sober people stand). Anyway the moment he got in line it stunk like poo. I get up to pay and swipe my debit card and this ****stick is standing in front of the debit machine with his back to me still facing his toothless wife chatting to her. So I said "can you like move out of my way?" in a pissy, assburgery manner.

He quickly apologized and was like "oh, yeah, sorry" then walked to go stand with his wife. I didn't want to tell him he stunk because that would be rude, but then as he gets back by his wife and I'm swiping my card thinking everything's done with he calls back "this far enough away for ya?" in a real douchy manner so I just looked over and said "yeah, you just smell really bad." then typed in my PIN while hearing nothing from him but then his wife calls back to me "You smell bad!" "Huh?" I say as I look up from the machine. "You smell bad." "Yeah, OK." then that was it.

I was already pissed off when I got in line because the mentally-handicapped person outside was in no way able to help me with what I needed.

After I paid for my stuff I had to wait around for someone to assist me outside so I was standing about 10 feet from the register with my arms folded or whatever then realized this dude probably thinks I'm going to accost him on the way out. I also didn't want him to pop off at me so I did the wise grown-up thing and walked about 50 feet away while I waited. He looked worried though lol.

I realize this is a really douchey story and it wasn't my finest hour, but I can't stand people who insist on standing close to me especially if they literally smell like baby poop mixed with bourbon. If you pop off I'm going to let the cashier and your wife know that you ****ing smell like ****. I'm not the cleanest dude on the planet but I manage to comprehend the idea of other people's personal space.

I ruined a relationship once when I was 19 and told my out of state gf to "go to hell." "...And say hi to Chip for me." over AOL IM chat back in late 1998. Chip was her uncle who had died recently. I even met the guy once and we got along just fine. But she would always tell me about how bad of a person he was and how he said he was going to hell all the time. It was weird. So anyway this was just a totally random shot at both her and her uncle that made no sense. That was an 18 month relationship down the drain basically because of that one comment. Was always able to salvage our fights but not that time lol. And I don't blame her that was ****ed up. I learned my lesson though don't say hurtful things about a girl's family members. Anyway I think things were already on the ropes as just telling a girl to go to hell is a really bad sign. As I got older I realized we wouldn't have lasted anyway. We were both young and didn't know what we wanted and our personalities were very different. She was also fat and ugly and 4 months later I met a skinny hot girl who is now my wife.

Not delivered by me, but witnessed.

Playing poker in cardroom and this asian guy wearing a really flashy watch(looked fake) wins a pot. The middle aged man that lost says

"you probably need the money cause I can tell that watch is fake"

He was amish?

Lol you gotta stop while your ahead bro, this isn't supposed to be the "times I was a huge douche IRL" thread

I was in 7th grade science and the teacher disliked me because I'd goof off so much. During some little argument between us where I was being hilarious, she for some reason brought up her being "tougher than I think". She was a chubby broad, maybe 5'6, and definitely could lose some pounds.

Anyway, she flexed her arm and told me to come up the front of the class and feel her arm. I went up, and instead of feeling her bicep, I flicked the underfat of her turkey arm and made it jiggle.

SHE WAS ASKING FOR IT

I found the jiggling turkey arm story to be quite sexy.

The way I said it was obviously in jest. I even said shortly after, "you know, I'm just playing around."

lol he guaranteed hates you and everyone thinks ur clueless

Was gonna write up the whole story, but decided to go with the short version.

An ex boss I had quit working for drove by my house randomly on the 4th of july, while i was drunk, and I yelled at him, he decided to back the truck up and mouth off. He said something alluding to me being a freeloader off my parents (which isnt true) and my comeback was "well your just mad because your wife cheated on you!" (which is true)

The look on his face was pretty awful, so as hes driving off my brother runs out of the house and throws a beer can at his truck (it was budweiser for you beer snobs)

And one other thing, his 13yo son was in the truck with him.

fyp to completely exonerate you of bigotry (you're welcome)

yeah this works

wp

little kid ones are good. I have one from my childhood

I was skiing with a big group, and was we split up into kids and adults. we were probably 11 or so. We were going up the ski lift and saw the group of adults skiing below us. My friend yelled to his mom "[BAAARBBRAAA]" and his mom was like "HIII MIIKKEEE". Then he was like "YOOU'RRE UGLLYYYYY"

it's funnier now than it was then

9th Grade English: We're reading Romeo and Juliet in class out loud, a snobbish girl gets to the word "fie" and she questioningly reads "fee...?" "fi...?" I deadpan "fo fum"

Just recently one of my coworkers was giving this girl a hard time.
She called him a dick.
Later he came into the work area and said...

'Hey everybody how's it goin...Sarah called me a dick today"

I'm in the back and yell out:

"YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT!"

Lots of lols...best zing I've had in awhile.

PHB, maybe you should stop going to places with checkout lanes. Or outside your house.

Haha.