What were some of the sickest burns you've dished out to people in conversation? It could be with friends, enemies, strangers, co-workers, weirdos at a club trying to pick up your girlfriend, whatever.

The best one I remember was about six years ago to a very macho and homophobic friend of mine at a party. The subject turned to men's health and testicular cancer. He was saying how checking your own balls on a regular basis is very important in addition to getting your physical.

Being the sick minded ****er that I am, I asked him, "have you ever looked down and saw four testicles?" Everybody erupts in laughter. I don't think I've ever seen him that embarrassed and angry. LOL

Do you like apples?

No; if you were my father, I'd be a lot uglier.

My ex had a baby with down's syndrome. She put pictures of him up on Flickr. Under one picture I commented "It's almost a boy!".

This doochey looking guy joined in a middle of a group conversation about how many girls everyone has slept with. He talked about how he has f ed all these girls and his number being close to 30.

I didnt doubt him by any means but I told him..

One time this guy called me a pussy and I said "You are what you eat" and his mom was right there.

woooooooooooooooooow

...and I said, "*exactly* like a slot machine".

Oh, WOW lol. Chalk this one up to the "I'm going to hell" comments.

A+ zinger.

The jerk store called, theyre running out of you!

Wasn't delivered by me, but the best burn I've heard irl:

This guy at work (obvious closet case) is going on and on about how good all these dudes on his recreational soccer team are. Coworker says "so is it hard to play soccer with a constant erection?"

I know you are...

thats a weird looking dog

that is my child

edit: pony = slow

It's bad that I feel like I've gotten to the point where I'm repeating stories on OOT, but whatever.

The closest thing that comes to mind for me was accidental. A few years ago I was popping into my advisor's office to talk to him, and he was chatting with some guy who worked in the department. That guy was going to go set up coffee or something before the departmental colloquium, so he said he'd leave. What I meant to say at this point was something stupid but standard like "it's a dirty job but somebody's gotta do it." What I actually said, in point of fact, was "yeah, that's . . . uh . . . good work you're doing there." He stared at me for a few seconds while my advisor laughed and then walked away silently. Man I felt like a tool after that.

http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/34...t-line-961073/

After terminating someone, I said, "on the bright side, now you have the free time to find a job that you'll enjoy."

That guy was an ahole.

Second hand story, but worth telling in here.

Friend accepted a job in Germany after college. He's over there, at a party with co-workers and some German girl decides to get all preachy about war and politics to my American friend. So she's going on and on about Bush and Obama, and caps it off with "You just can't invade another country because you feel like it"

And he responds with "Oh... I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that, now would you?"

wow that must have brought the house down

Cant relaly think of anything from older, but recently we were deciding where to eat, and I suggested a place, and then my black friend suggested somewhere else. I was like nah man, **** that, and he jokingly said his opinion counts more cause hes bigger(played football tight end), I say, "Ya but your black, so your opinion is worth 3/5ths of mine".

One time we were a trivia team of 4 and I was strongly advocating making our team 3 and 3/5ths men(was right after/during charlie sheen blowup... Unfortunately my opinion didnt win.

your brain has a thick candy shell

I told my ex-wife she would die alone, unwanted and unloved.

"Look buddy, your car was upside-down when I got here. And as for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that."

I've had a ton, but I can't remember most of them and a bunch of them you'd have to know the people so I won't bother with those. Here's two that I got a lot of sh*t for, for obvious reasons.

I was a cook at a restaurant in high school and I was flipping sh*t back and forth with a waitress. She told me to kiss her *ss and I told her I was on a low-fat diet. Everyone laughed, but she wanted me dead for the rest of the night.

Worked at a coffee shop with a girl who was a slutty alcoholic, and also a supervisor (as was I). She usually worked nights, but had to work the opening shift for 2 weeks and she was late almost every day. 3 days in a row she was over an hour late which fell right into the busy time and I was pissed as hell. So I called her and said "Put the d*ck down and get your *ss to work". She was livid, but never actually said anything to me about it directly.