Here's mine (poker related, sorry; dealer tells nit STFU)

NEXT TIME YOU NEED TO GO TO THE TOILET FOR A DUMP,,,PLS MAKE SURE THAT YOU PUT YOUR HEAD DOWN THE TOILET CAUSE THATS WHAT HAS THE MOST **** ,,,,N NOT UR ARSE ...

Seriously, direct quote from a dissenter.

My ex told me pretty much the same thing. I told her that's what I expected if I didn't divorce her.

In 9th grade I called my teacher a "f***ing bony bitch." Not clever, but she was in fact bony and was being a bitch, so it was probably one of the more on point zingers I've come up with.

yeah most of these sick burns must be better in real life, they aren't really translating well to text

and richard gere shoved gerbils up his as, right?

I loled at thaaxis' post. The rest are really cringeworthy.

OUCH! NICE ONE!

One of the funniest burns I've ever heard IRL was self-inflicted.

Myself and a bunch of other soldiers, including my prototypical blond trailer trash roommate, were in a van driving from our tiny post to the main base in Belgium, and the driver was playing a Kid Rock CD. It was early in the morning on our way to a firing range so there wasn't a whole lot of conversation, so the music was the loudest thing in the van. The song "Cocky" started playing, and when it got to the line "I like big corn-fed midwestern hoes" my roommate said "That's me!". There was about five seconds of stunned silence before the entire van cracked up laughing.

Other than the big part (she wasn't really skinny, but she was in decent shape) she was right, though. She was from Nebraska and would sleep with pretty much anyone, despite having a fiancee.

Maybe you had to be there, but the combination of a) her reputation, b) us all being half awake, and c) the fact that everyone was relatively quiet so we all heard the song and her response was pretty funny at the time. It became a running joke until she PCSed.

Called someone an Obtuse Bruce today. Not really a sick burn but he was being obtuse and I made it up on the spot and it got a few giggles and I was pretty happy with my work tyvm.

In 7th grade we had a class on life lessons or some such--a weekly survey on money management, relationship management, and that type of B.S.

The lesson during the week in question of this story had to do with budgeting. Teacher was discussing the concept of money in and money out and discussing all the different expenses adults have: mortgage/rent, utilities, payments, etc.

In listing her various expenses she noted that she spends about $200/month (this was was 1992) on groceries. I blurted out, "By the looks of your stomach I'd say it's more like $400/month!"

She burst into tears and I got suspended for a day.

Working at a restaurant one time and the manager called down from the second floor over the balcony to ask for everyone's attention and the gay lifetime waiter (every restaurant has one) says "You look like you're going to throw old fruit at us" and he replied "I'd start with you."

So I said,

"What if it had my looks and your brains?"

As I left the room I realised I had blown out a definite shag.

PCSed?

chlorophyll more like borophyll

This was a good comeback.

Group of 8 of us were 'larging it up' in shagaluf. Went to a restaurant. My mate was wearing a sleeveless. He said to the slighty camp waiter 'il have the mussels'. He looked my mate up and down and said 'yeah boy you need em!' Only slightly funny as it's true.

Nah i think they just suck.

Reading an excerpt from "Inside Scientology" by Janet Reitman and I came across this:

In his memoir The Pulp Jungle, Frank Gruber, a writer of western and detective stories, recalled one New York get-together during which Hubbard, then 23, regaled a group of writers with tales of his adventure-filled life. Fascinated, Gruber took notes. "He had been in the U.S. Marines for seven years, he had been an explorer on the upper Amazon for four years, he'd been a white hunter in Africa for three years... After listening for a couple of hours, I said, " Ron, you're 84 years old, aren't you?"

co-worker?

I once put a tomato on someone's pillow

Permanent Change of Station.

Military slang for moved from one base to another.

Or you could just wear underwear?

Back in college I was in a male dominated major with a pretty small group where everyone knew each other. There was this one girl who was kind of cute and was a pretty big flirt/slut. She would often dress kind of provocatively and loved the attention.

One cold day in mid November she walked into class late(as normal) wearing like a sweater dress thing that was super tight and showed a hell of a lot of leg. One guy I knew leaned over to me and whispered "Awfully slutty for November". The professor was in a pause in his speech and he said it louder than he meant to and everyone in the class heard it. The girl turned beat red and I don't know if I have ever laughed so hard in my life.

Probably one of those had to be there things. Pics of similar dress below.