I was in a specialized class in college (only 6 of us), and this dude brought in a bagel and lathered it with a boatload of butter.

The teach said, "Jesus. You're going to clog your arteries with all that butter." Everyone erupted in laughter and the dude coughed out his bite in laughter.

A couple of months later, another teach takes us out to Denny's for breakfast. There's 9 of us, and one is an overweight chick (about 30 pounds tipsy).

She slabs some butter on her cakes, and I say the exact same line, expecting a vigorous round of laughter: "Jesus. You're going to clog your arteries with all that butter."

No one laughed, least of all, her. More like an uncomfortable, "Holy ****, he just called her fat" silence.

I felt so akward, I couldn't even wallop a load of butter on my own cakes...



Fast-forward about 10 years, and I get a call from that same chick. We catch up a bit, and she tells me how she's married and has a kid that's like 2 years old.

I space and didn't realize the kid wasn't a newborn, so I gave her a genuine, CONGRATULATIONS! (on the birth of her child) but she's like, "Yeahhhh, thanks..." thinking I was congratulating her on being able to score a family.

at least you didn't ask if it was yours. that would have been REALLY awkward.

went to high school with a black dude named jeremy who was from Swaziland. was at a party and like 20 people in the room and someone brought him up and i said something about "sucks that he's probably got AIDS in his family" or something like that. i was on the basketball team with him and it didn't seem that bad but everyone just stared lol.

I was holding this superhero captive and about to terminate him, and there was no way he could have escaped, I thought, so I decided to revel in the moment a bit and announce my plans in great detail. But that gave him enough time to defeat me and then escape at the exact moment the building blew up.

Was sitting at the poker table next to a man who lost the middle of his left forearm. I was playing with a chip and it fell underneath his chair. I turned to him and said, "Hey man will you give me a hand." I pointed to the chip and immediately felt stupid. My face turned bright red and then luckily he started laughing and said sure.

When I was ~16 my brother invited me to his apartment to meet his new girlfriend. They'd only been together for about a month. We started discussing our plans for the future and my brother said he would love to be a diplomat stationed in another country. I said, "yeah, I bet you'd love that so you could rape little girls."

The both froze and looked shocked. My brother hit me on the leg. I remember thinking, "hey, isn't she going to tell my brother not to hit me??"

I do not know WTF was wrong with me.

I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow his(their) brains out!

found it

so you really are dr evil. or his son i guess.

Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!

when i was a kid i used to say a lot of weird ****. very socially awkward, i guess maybe i would over-think stuff a lot or totally misread social contexts, that kind of thing.

anyway when i was like 7 or 8 the principal of my elementary school died fairly suddenly. he was a really good dude and everybody liked him. most of the school went to his wake and we all stood in line to offer condolences to his wife, who we had never met. so i'm standing there in this long line with my parents, which gives my retarded little kid brain plenty of time to come up with something bizarre and inappropriate to say.

so we get to the front and i tell the lady - in a genuine, trying to make her feel better kind of way - "this hurts me more than it hurts you."

i still have no idea wtf i was thinking. my parents were horrified

I have a lazy eye irl

I called my former mother-in-law a "smelly ****" once, and she never forgave me for it. Not that we would have gotten along anyway, but that didn't help.

Towards the end of Earth Science class, the girls in the class were trying to figure out who to try to get each guy to go to prom with. I saw it coming. So with 5 minutes left in the class, when the girls asked me who I wanted to go to prom with, I said the physics teacher who was right next door. I knew she would hear this. I knew all would get a kick out of it. Sure enough it was a great laugh...I mean the laugh lasted the rest of the class...

and yeah didn't get a prom date...fml

At my then-boyfriend's trashy family party. A lazy, drunk uncle called his young daughter over and offered her five dollars to bring him his cigarettes. When she did, I looked at her and said, "Now you can buy your first pack!"

It was a ****ty joke about how inappropriate I thought it was that a kid was fetching cigarettes. I'm probably lucky it just came off as me encouraging her to smoke. Either way, people were vocally disgusted.