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View Poll Results: Should I stick by him?
Yes 135 57.94%
No 138 59.23%
You're a bad friend 158 67.81%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 233. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 12-05-2009, 01:33 PM   #1
noncents
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My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

Cliffs at bottom.

Background

This guy is my best friend who I've known for 20+ years. We're both 26 and while I'm cerainly running good at life, he isn't and it's largely due to a lack of effort. He has two university degrees but has worked the same job (helping old people with household chores) for 10 years. The job is supposed to be for students and thus pays ****. I'm certain he is the oldest one working there. He talks about quitting to find a real job but he doesn't do it. He says he doesn't want to untill after he takes a trip somewhere (which he's postponned since August). He still lives with his parents and says he wants to move out but he needs to find a job first. Finally, despite being a "type" that women seem to want, (so says my wife's single friends) he has no game with women and AFAIK is still a virgin. He claims this is because he lives with his parents but I'm like wtf? go to the girls house or get a room at a hotel or something. The worst part is he bitches about how bad his life is even though a decent part of it is his lack of effort. Still, he's my friend so I try and help him out setting him up with women (which he always screws up). However last Saturday was unacceptable IMHO. I really don't know what he was thinking:

Final Straw:

He calls me tells me about this chick from our past he met up with and chilled with in the afternoon. In my find I'm saying "Finally! I'd almost lost hope". Him, another buddy of ours and myself deicde we're going downtown to watch the hockey and chill. The night seems to be going decently well, (apart from the team losing) he even talks to some chicks (with a little encouragement). He tells me about the chick and I realize I ran into her like 6 moths ago and she told me "I used to have such a huge crush on (friend)" which I subsequently told him. He calls her a few times during the night and convinces her to come out and meet us. I take this as a great sign - she's into my buddy and he's into her. I tell him he should take it easy on the drinks cause you don't want to have her show up with you completly smashed. He ignores my advice but somehow despite being trashed and useless the girl still seems to be enjoying herself. Me and my other buddy leave them alone.

My other buddy then gets thrown out for some reason which I didn't understand but this is standard behavior for him so I'm used to it. I meet him outside and convince him to leave the other two alone and continue our barhop. I go inside to tell my buddy we're leaving. He seems cool with it and we leave. 20 min later he calls up the other guy and asks where we are and he tells him. The chick says she hates that place and doesn't want to go, but they show up a few min later. I was worried that something went wrong between them but things still seem good. At this point I'm watching the replay of the game and passing out at the bar while the two of them talk and my other buddy proceeds to get thrown out again. At around 2:30 I figure we're going to call it a night and things still look okay but my buddy is not closing the deal and is starting to become very distracted by all the alcohol he has consumed. I guess the chick is looking for a response and figures maybe more time is the answer so suggests we go elsewhere. They'll only be time for one more drink but she stills pays for a taxi to take us to another bar ditching other buddy who was trying to get run over by taxis.

At the last bar I'm sitting across from them, talking to her while my buddy behaves like a drunken clueless idiot (yelling **** and whatever). I tell her "just club him over the head caveman style and drag him home with you." She laughs and says "Yeah I think it might come to that. You know I love (friend)" and immeidetly gets up to go to the bathroom or something. At this point I grab my idiot friend and try and talk some sense into him. "Dude wtf are you doing? I told you to lay off the alchol. She just said she loves you, ****ing close the deal and lets go." Friend starts making excuses why it's no good cause of his parents house I tell him the her place or hotel deal he seems unimpressed by my solutions. Other buddy shows up and gets thrown out nealy immedietly and the bar shuts down within 5 min. I go to take a piss in an alley cause I'm stupid and forgot to do so while we were inside. When I get back other buddy is on the phone calling some chick who he met online and never in real life. (He ended up waking her up lol and even though he was a COMPLETE ass, she still talked to him for 20 min at 3:15 in the morning) The other two are holding each other/maybe making out futher down the street. I tell other buddy it's time to go and he's like "where's (friend)" and finds them and interrupts them. I convince him to leave and as we're hailing a cab he's yelling " (friend) **** her! (friend) **** her! (girl) **** (friend)!". Sigh. We get into the cab and as we're pulling away my friend comes running up and opens the door and my other friend does maybe the only thing right of the night and yells at the cabby "go, go!" and closes the door on my friend. We proceed to tell the cabby the story on the ride home and other friend say maybe "(friend) is gay... nah he's not gay" Which I have to agree with given the fact that he called this chick intentionally with no prodding on our part. Still **** like this makes me wonder.

Given that last incident and previous ones, I know my friend blew it. My plan was to call him the next day and give him **** and make him call the girl and apologize and talk him into taking her out before she leaves town (she lives in another city now). However, I was feeling like **** and figured he was too because I stopped drinking after the first bar. Eventually I felt what's the ****ing point anyway. He'll never get a better deal/oppertunity with a girl he likes; she put up with so much **** that night and stuck by him. If he blows that, he's helpless. That was one week ago. I still haven't spoken to him. I feel I've run out of patience in trying to help him and don't feel like hanging around someone who complains but never does anything about it.

Cliffs:

Friend of 20+ years
He has no real job
Lives at home
Terrible with women
Bitches about crappy life but never acts
Blows a near perfect chance with a chick who really digs him
I no longer have patience to deal with his bitching.
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Old 12-05-2009, 01:43 PM   #2
LiveNow
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

your other buddy seems fun
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Old 12-05-2009, 01:44 PM   #3
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)



It's the kindest thing imo
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Old 12-05-2009, 01:46 PM   #4
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

Is this a Swinger's script?
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Old 12-05-2009, 01:47 PM   #5
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

Don't know why I'm giving this a serious answer, but... Your friend is a virgin. Did it occur to you that the reason he's not "closing the deal" is because he's afraid of sex? Doesn't mean he's gay, just fear of the unknown. In fact, as an armchair psychologist I'd say fear of the unknown is probably a big theme with this guy (ie staying in a job he'd like to quit because it's familiar, still living with parents because he's never lived alone, etc).

Last edited by EvilSteve; 12-05-2009 at 01:59 PM.
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Old 12-05-2009, 01:56 PM   #6
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

you seem like a dbag... wheres ur wiminz?

also theres no fckn piccs
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Old 12-05-2009, 02:05 PM   #7
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

Your friend who routinely gets thrown out of bars seems like a winner though. Stick with him for sure.
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Old 12-05-2009, 02:05 PM   #8
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

voted all three because I could
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Old 12-05-2009, 02:06 PM   #9
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

thanks, i was unsure how to vote but vote all three is the right answer
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Old 12-05-2009, 02:07 PM   #10
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

voted all three because I could

Why do you think it is your responsibility to get him laid? Just let him do his own thing and be friends with him (or not if you don't like him...)
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Old 12-05-2009, 02:08 PM   #11
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilSteve View Post
Your friend who routinely gets thrown out of bars seems like a winner though. Stick with him for sure.
Yeah story would have sucked if every paragraph didn't include 3rd dude getting kicked out ;d
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Old 12-05-2009, 02:19 PM   #12
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

Quote:
Originally Posted by evilempire View Post
Yeah story would have sucked if every paragraph didn't include 3rd dude getting kicked out ;d
#8ball

stick by him - watch You, Me, and Dupree for advice
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Old 12-05-2009, 02:29 PM   #13
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

you all seem like winners
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Old 12-05-2009, 02:50 PM   #14
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

forget about your gay friend, what kind of raging douchebag gets thrown out of every bar he goes to all the time
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Old 12-05-2009, 03:07 PM   #15
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

I was in a similar situation years ago. Had a very good long-term friend who went from basically being a bit of a nerd to super stud and great guy to over shooting things and starting to downward spiral. At first it was kind of funny but as it got worse it was really tragic. Attempts to help him failed so I just stopped spending time with him. Your friend is at the tragic stage. Time to just cut down contact. When he eventually hits rock rock bottom he'll start getting his **** together but part of hitting rock bottom is to realize even your life-long friends have given up and moved on.
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Old 12-05-2009, 03:17 PM   #16
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

All three of you sound like serious losers. In fact, the woman sounds like a serious loser for spending nearly an entire night with three losers.

Last edited by dalerobk; 12-05-2009 at 03:18 PM. Reason: for voting for all three.
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Old 12-05-2009, 03:22 PM   #17
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

a bunch of douchebags in here.

your friend hasn't done a single wrong thing to you.
you're a decent friend for thinking of helping him but you are doing it wrong.

your post make you just sound overbearing and possibly an annoying friend to hang out with.
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Old 12-05-2009, 04:36 PM   #18
noncents
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

Quote:
Originally Posted by LiveNow View Post
your other buddy seems fun
It's pretty rare that the trouble he causes affects us negativly. He makes the evening more interesting.

Should be noted: first bar he got bounced for bugging some chick but I was with him most of the time and didn't see anything. I politely offered to watch him but bouncer said no dice and my buddy left quietly. Second I have no idea what happened but he was still there for 10 min after he got "kicked out" before he left so it was probably mild. Third place was just cause it was closing and he hadn't bought anything. It did get semi physical but was pretty much just shoving. Bar closed within 5 min of his leaving.
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Old 12-05-2009, 04:40 PM   #19
noncents
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

Quote:
Originally Posted by EvilSteve View Post
Don't know why I'm giving this a serious answer, but... Your friend is a virgin. Did it occur to you that the reason he's not "closing the deal" is because he's afraid of sex? Doesn't mean he's gay, just fear of the unknown. In fact, as an armchair psychologist I'd say fear of the unknown is probably a big theme with this guy (ie staying in a job he'd like to quit because it's familiar, still living with parents because he's never lived alone, etc).
Yeah you're probably right about the fear of unkown. But how long should this last in a normal person. At 26, it's about time to get over it no?

This really wasn't all about getting him "laid". Much more about him complaining about how his life sucks and then not doing anything about it. Do you think there's anything I can say/do? Maybe it's best if I leave things be but it's goign to suck hanging out with him if he doesn't solve **** soon.
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Old 12-05-2009, 05:00 PM   #20
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

i don't think you guys sound like douchebags. i think the people in this thread saying that sound like douchebags.

something similar happened to me and i stopped talking to my friend so much. then later on i wanted to be friends with him again and felt guilty, and still do feel guilty that i turned cold on him.
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Old 12-05-2009, 05:06 PM   #21
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

Quote:
Originally Posted by noncents View Post
Yeah you're probably right about the fear of unkown. But how long should this last in a normal person. At 26, it's about time to get over it no?
You're looking at it backwards. The longer it lasts, the more fear he is going to have. As he gets older, the girls he tries to have sexual relations with will by default be more experienced, further scaring him because of his inexperience. I would stop worrying about his sexual prowess, and talk to him about finding a real job.

Otherwise, I guess I don't see the big deal. If you no longer relate to him because he isn't cool to you anymore then stop hanging out with him. If you still enjoy hanging out with him, then who cares what he does for a living.
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Old 12-05-2009, 05:08 PM   #22
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Henry17 View Post
I was in a similar situation years ago. Had a very good long-term friend who went from basically being a bit of a nerd to super stud and great guy to over shooting things and starting to downward spiral. At first it was kind of funny but as it got worse it was really tragic. Attempts to help him failed so I just stopped spending time with him. Your friend is at the tragic stage. Time to just cut down contact. When he eventually hits rock rock bottom he'll start getting his **** together but part of hitting rock bottom is to realize even your life-long friends have given up and moved on.
Granted I only read the cliffs, but isn't part of being a guy busting your mates balls and calling them out when they do bitchesque things like this? This would have been the course of action I would have taken from a much earlier stage.

If I missed the fact that this had already been done and the guy is still a whiny bitch then disregard what I said. Either ramp up the ball busting to new levels (for kicks and the fact it might straighten him out) or cut him loose.
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Old 12-05-2009, 05:29 PM   #23
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

Quote:
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Granted I only read the cliffs, but isn't part of being a guy busting your mates balls and calling them out when they do bitchesque things like this? This would have been the course of action I would have taken from a much earlier stage.

If I missed the fact that this had already been done and the guy is still a whiny bitch then disregard what I said. Either ramp up the ball busting to new levels (for kicks and the fact it might straighten him out) or cut him loose.
In OP's case I'm not really sure what he is looking for. I think more just absolution that it is ok to dump his friend which is why I voted for both being a bad friend and for giving up on him. It isn't clear what he has done to try to pull his friend out of this horrible existence and that is rather critical to the situation. You have to put at least some effort into it. In my case I really tried to help the guy with a lot more than just busting his balls but the situation just kept getting worse and worse. If you try to help someone and they don't at least cooperate then you have to dump them.
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Old 12-05-2009, 05:33 PM   #24
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Henry17 View Post
In OP's case I'm not really sure what he is looking for. I think more just absolution that it is ok to dump his friend which is why I voted for both being a bad friend and for giving up on him. It isn't clear what he has done to try to pull his friend out of this horrible existence and that is rather critical to the situation. You have to put at least some effort into it. In my case I really tried to help the guy with a lot more than just busting his balls but the situation just kept getting worse and worse. If you try to help someone and they don't at least cooperate then you have to dump them.
Yeah fair enough, wasn't specifically targeting you. Your post just seemed to sum up the consensus opinion the best.

OP, if you've genuinely tried to help the guy/made it clear he's being a bitch (e.g. Actually coming out and saying. Whats up with you recently? This ain't like you, sort your **** out or life's gonna stay miserable) and he hasnt heeded your words cut him off. If you haven't, take that step first then reevaluate.
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Old 12-05-2009, 05:35 PM   #25
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Re: My friend is/turning into a loser. Stick around or give up? (TL;DR)

the guy's just a loser and needs to mature. i would be extremely frustrated by him, but the reasons you've indicated wouldn't be grounds for me to end a long friendship. it's not a business relationship, so his worth to me as a friend isn't based on his achievements in life. at a certain point you stop breaking your back for someone if they won't accept the help, but that doesn't mean you have to stop being friends with him
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