11th grade health class.

The teacher is blabbing about unprotected sex. This is purely a lecture and not like a question and answer thing.

He says, obviously rhetorically, "And then what do you do when your girlfriend gets pregnant because you had unprotected sex."

I thought it would be really funny, at the time, to respond loudly with "kick her in the stomach," so I responded with that.

The class was completely silent. Then the teacher yelled at me. Then the teacher made me apologize.

That joke (when told correctly) is supposedly the world's funniest joke.
Goes a lil something like this:

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

ej,

"OR ARE YOU????"

That's awesome.

I make a lot of jokes that some people either consider over the line (generally involves race or some other stereotype) or they are very subtle/obscure references that just go over people's heads. I assume they are all hilarious and just chalk it up to people being dumb.

i joke around all the time..and i sound like OP and i'm also very crude like Noah...so i can take it too far. I don't usually bomb much b/c it's so damn funny to me other people laugh. but yeah, laughing at me. One joke i definitely remember bombing, that i told years ago at college..Pepperdine is a christian school but mostly academic reputation..but many christians.

So i'm at school, snack area- a good 20-30 people around. At the time there was controversy about the abortion morning after pill in France being legalized in the US. So i bust out the christians answer to the morning after pill RU486, is RU469. no laughs. just stares.

Agreed. I think you should have said your old method involved a baseball bat to the stomach.

Just busted out laughing in a library at that. It's even funnier because you told it to a bunch of probably over-serious wannabe intellectual types.

Man, people are so lame. Half of these jokes are solid gold.

yeah, something like "It's definitely yours, your dicks are the same size" would have been off the charts.

I'm laughing.

this had me rolling at work. One of those times were you're laughing so hard but have to try and hold it in because you dont wna tpeople at work to know you're screwing around. You win the interweb today

A comic needs to know his audience. Almost all of these jokes were fine and bombed because the audiences were filled with morons.

excellent cant stop laughing

took me a second, but this is pretty hilarious.

First week at uni, was in an assembly hall and we were given an introductry speech etc. Then this women came on and was telling us about rape alarms, and why the girls should have them for late at night etc etc. The a few minutes later, this hot girl (9/10ish)called anna got up to go to the toilet. A few seconds later, my housemate got up to go too, and i said a little too loudly to another friend 'Hope anna's got her rape alarm'. Got about 100 people turn around in front of me and just stare at me with a disgusted look, with my friend just cracking up... obv went smooth irl than how i explain it!

I rarely go for a joke or even speak all that much in class or around people I don't know all that well. When I do, though, I usually get laughs, especially because no one expects it. Sometimes, though, that means they're not ready for it; they hear me, think for a minute, look at me funny, then just move on.

Once in an English class we were talking about movie adaptations of books. We went through the standard "book is better" discussion, then to cases where they were equal, then to the other end of the spectrum: the teacher asked for great movies based on awful books. I immediately blurted out "The Passion of the Christ."

val: somehow ive always been friends with crowds of rowdy boys....
val: even assh*les
val: but theyre nice underneath
evil: once you reach the lower intestine?
evil: ZING

Yeah, this is very, very good.

-McGee

Me too.

I never really bomb because I always really enjoy my own jokes. Then if no one else laughs, I find that really funny too. I have a great time telling terrible or offensive jokes.

GOLD

Woulda laughed my ass off.... this is great.

I wonder if it would have been more or less awkward if the professor was male?

Considering the WTC didn't exist anymore, I'd say that wasn't really funny on any level.

How is stand-up going, though? Do you do open mic nite stuff or paying gigs? I'm interested enough for an 'ask me about stand-up thread', if you haven't already.

I'm on a date at the PNE (carnival style thing here in Vancouver) and we are in line for the roller coaster and some security guys walk by looking pretty touch. it's almost dark and they are all wearing shades.

She tells me she would never [censored] with any guy that wore sunglasses at night. So I tell her she's a wimp for being afraid of Corey Hart. She gives me the blank look that tells me I'm not interested in her anymore.

edited to fix the joke cause I'm dumb

lol?

I have a friend who I've known since I was young, she's like a sister to me. She had just started dating a guy named taylor...who recently broke up with his girlfriend, who was also in our group of friends. One night we were out having drinks and me, my sister-friend, and the ex girlfriend were all at the table.

Somehow the topic of ceiling mirrors came up and I said they would be awesome. My sister-friend said "yea of course you'd like it, then the guy could look up and see everything." To which I responded "ohhh so now I know you ride on top of Taylor when you have sex"...the ex girlfriend did not like that at all and there was a long long awkward silence. Oops!

expert

this is her failure, not yours