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Old 10-26-2013, 07:37 PM   #201
Anacardo
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

Wow, Clark itt. Never would have pegged you for a figure in the succubus-enthusiast community.
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Old 10-27-2013, 01:11 AM   #202
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

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OP, listen to all the people telling you to stay with her b/c they stayed with their BPD partner and it worked out great. Oh, wait, there are none of those...
lol
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Old 10-27-2013, 06:42 AM   #203
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

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I just realized that OP said he thinks all women threatened suicide. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that his mother or possibly his father has serious mental health issues. When I was 18-21 I thought all women were crazy too. Growing up with someone with something like BPD makes you devalue yourself (they devalue their own children after all). They treat you as an extension of their own needs and you learn to completely subordinate your needs to theirs. It seems normal when you grow up in that environment.

Seriously, OP, what kind of parents were yours? Did they exhibit traits of a PD? This would explain a lot. You need to become more self-aware of this, so you can break the pattern. I speak from experience. Read a ton about this. Buy books. Memorize them. You don't want to spend the rest of your life in this hell.
Spoiler:
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Old 10-27-2013, 09:05 AM   #204
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

Had a GF v v similar to your description, not sure if full blown borderline, but may have been. Was a very great girl, passionate wild relationship, great sex and a lot of love.

I really didn't want to ever end it but eventually I had to. I'm not perfect either, but after so many "episodes" (again not sure if she was BDPD, but def had episodes of totally overwhelming anger etc., suicide, violent threats, then totally back to normal. Def not normal chick stuff at all) it just feels like you don't matter. Even if its great 95% of the time, having someone threaten you, or be unbelievably mean time and time again only to come back crying is just mind boggling and too emotionally confusing.

Even still, I can't judge your relationship, so you should decide for yourself (this discussion is helpful but you need to fig it out for yourself) if you think you can deal with this long term. It's not easy,it will be harder than you can imagine, my sister also suffers from probably the most debilitating mental illness there is (sz), and its a life long process. But I think the best advice one can have in a romantic relationship is to trust their instincts.

And, know that with treatment and therapy, things CAN get better. Just don't assume it will happen immediately. But this is a crucial part of mental illness that alot of people don't understand or have the patience to accept.

Then if that is what you want, my advice is to try to do everything you can to make it work. In a real adult relationship you need to give the other person everything you have, make them your world. You sound like a great dude tbh. So do your best to make her feel safe with you, safety is the most important thing for someone like this, and try and keep her in loving control. You are the man and it's kind of your job. But don't feel like you have failed if in the end, you just can't put up with it.

Also, a huge regret of mine was not seeing a therapist w her or asking her more specifically about her issues. (even a few mo into a relationship, but w/e it can be helfpul).

Last edited by MurderbyNumbers234; 10-27-2013 at 09:17 AM.
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Old 10-27-2013, 09:38 AM   #205
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

Also, on a random note, does anyone know why its called "borderline" ? doesn't seem to fit any of the descriptions like most disorders (anxiety, depressive, bipolar etc.)
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Old 10-27-2013, 09:43 AM   #206
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

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Also, on a random note, does anyone know why its called "borderline" ? doesn't seem to fit any of the descriptions like most disorders (anxiety, depressive, bipolar etc.)
They sit on the borderline between neurosis and psychosis.
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Old 10-27-2013, 09:47 AM   #207
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

As far as the numbers go...this '95% of the time she's ok' thing...

well seems pretty standard, but *she's* ok 95% of the time but after a while you're kinda suffering *all* of the time cos you never know when the next flare up will occur. You shouldn't hop when you're on eggshells; you can't dance, either.
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Old 10-27-2013, 09:54 AM   #208
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Why has like every poster itt had an ex with bpd?
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Old 10-27-2013, 10:00 AM   #209
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

crazy chicks are hot in bed

dump her. plenty of sane ones out there.
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Old 10-27-2013, 10:01 AM   #210
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

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They sit on the borderline between neurosis and psychosis.
I don't know if this is true or not, but it's not a bad description.
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Old 10-27-2013, 10:06 AM   #211
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

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Why has like every poster itt had an ex with bpd?
Because that's what the thread is about? I would expect a disproportionate amount of people ITT to have had relationships with someone like this. If you can't relate, you are less likely to post. If you can, trust me, you want to help. Selection bias.
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Old 10-27-2013, 10:07 AM   #212
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

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I don't know if this is true or not, but it's not a bad description.
That's pretty much the type explanation I got.
On a scale of Zero to ten, with zero being perfectly balanced and ten being psychotic, borderlines fit from about six to eight or nine. Beyond neurotic, but not quite into psychotic.
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Old 10-27-2013, 10:08 AM   #213
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

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Because that's what the thread is about? I would expect a disproportionate amount of people ITT to have had relationships with someone like this. If you can't relate, you are less likely to post. If you can, trust me, you want to help. Selection bias.
Add in that these chicks tend to cycle through guys quicker than the average chick because guys will run, and you have disproportionate numbers.
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Old 10-27-2013, 10:33 AM   #214
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

Right. I mean, I would never have clicked on a random relationship advice thread. Throw BPD in the title and I want to help, same as all the others in here.

OP - read that book I linked.
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Old 10-27-2013, 11:37 AM   #215
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

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Old 10-27-2013, 12:11 PM   #216
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

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Originally Posted by MurderbyNumbers234 View Post
Had a GF v v similar to your description, not sure if full blown borderline, but may have been. Was a very great girl, passionate wild relationship, great sex and a lot of love.

I really didn't want to ever end it but eventually I had to. I'm not perfect either, but after so many "episodes" (again not sure if she was BDPD, but def had episodes of totally overwhelming anger etc., suicide, violent threats, then totally back to normal. Def not normal chick stuff at all) it just feels like you don't matter. Even if its great 95% of the time, having someone threaten you, or be unbelievably mean time and time again only to come back crying is just mind boggling and too emotionally confusing.

Even still, I can't judge your relationship, so you should decide for yourself (this discussion is helpful but you need to fig it out for yourself) if you think you can deal with this long term. It's not easy,it will be harder than you can imagine, my sister also suffers from probably the most debilitating mental illness there is (sz), and its a life long process. But I think the best advice one can have in a romantic relationship is to trust their instincts.

And, know that with treatment and therapy, things CAN get better. Just don't assume it will happen immediately. But this is a crucial part of mental illness that alot of people don't understand or have the patience to accept.

Then if that is what you want, my advice is to try to do everything you can to make it work. In a real adult relationship you need to give the other person everything you have, make them your world. You sound like a great dude tbh. So do your best to make her feel safe with you, safety is the most important thing for someone like this, and try and keep her in loving control. You are the man and it's kind of your job. But don't feel like you have failed if in the end, you just can't put up with it.

Also, a huge regret of mine was not seeing a therapist w her or asking her more specifically about her issues. (even a few mo into a relationship, but w/e it can be helfpul).
One of the best posts itt.

OP, keep in mind that 5% of the time is an average of more than an hour a day of intense drama. Also, consider that your gf is currently undergoing counseling and is taking medication. Those things may well be helping her, and this may be as good as it gets.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SGT RJ View Post
I don't know if this is true or not, but it's not a bad description.
I think that's correct. At the time the concept of the diagnosis was initiated, those were the two primary categories of disorders and BPD fit neither but did not seem to fit within the then-current concept of personality disorders either.
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Old 10-27-2013, 01:03 PM   #217
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

One thing i'd like to point out. Do not ever accept BPD as a final excuse for destructive behavior. If she has a diagnosis, a therapist, medication, this should be her stepping-stone towards more acceptable behavior. She should be able to have better insight into what triggers her outbursts, and, over time, if therapy and meds are working, have a better handle on this.

If she stays in a pattern of, "Sorry I cut your ear off, but my BPD kicked in, you know how that is," that is the time when you need to re-evaluate your situation. A diagnosis should never be an excuse for the continuation of destructive behavior.
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Old 10-27-2013, 02:14 PM   #218
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

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...into what triggers her outbursts...
I'm pretty sure rejection is one of them.
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Old 10-27-2013, 02:49 PM   #219
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

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I'm pretty sure rejection is one of them.
It sounds right, from what I have been reading, but I think it gets more screwed up than personal rejection.

Does she climb a wall, feeling rejected because you don't care for the pot roast she served? does she see rejection when you're 15 minutes late and fail to call her? Actual rejection and her perception of it seem to be two different animals. How will he ever know what's going to set her off?
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Old 10-27-2013, 03:19 PM   #220
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

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Actual rejection and her perception of it seem to be two different animals. How will he ever know what's going to set her off?
He won't always know.

The key is to recognize that he can't control her reaction and, assuming that it wasn't actually rejection or something that could rationally be interpreted as such, that it's not his fault. Most importantly, depending on what her reaction is, he needs to still recognize that in many cases, even if he empathizes enough to understand the trigger, it doesn't make her reaction/response acceptable.
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Old 10-27-2013, 03:21 PM   #221
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

BPD chicks will screw other dudes behind your back too
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Old 10-27-2013, 03:30 PM   #222
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

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He won't always know.

The key is to recognize that he can't control her reaction and, assuming that it wasn't actually rejection or something that could rationally be interpreted as such, that it's not his fault. Most importantly, depending on what her reaction is, he needs to still recognize that in many cases, even if he empathizes enough to understand the trigger, it doesn't make her reaction/response acceptable.
I agree. I wasn't trying to make it out to be his responsibility to try to avoid everything that she may personally see as rejection. I was trying to make the point that her perception is so screwed up, she will see rejection in things, even where none was intended. His reactions or avoidance of triggers will not 'fix' her BPD. I'm hoping he recognizes this and proceeds, if he chooses, with the knowledge that she needs to work on her issues. It's really not a matter of him adjusting his behavior.
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Old 10-27-2013, 04:31 PM   #223
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Old 10-27-2013, 04:59 PM   #224
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

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BPD chicks will screw other dudes behind your back too
This is inaccurate.
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Old 10-27-2013, 05:00 PM   #225
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Re: Dating Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder

not IME it isn't
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