Oh, and add me to the list of someone who has been close to a BPD sufferer. Best friend, lover for a while, back to best friend (yeah, that went smoothly...), and now it's been a couple years since I stopped taking her calls. It was just too much work.

She's even one of those who might be a better-than-average candidate to handle it in the long run — the degrees in social work, plus her long-standing recognition of the problem in herself, bode well. But there was no way it was going to be worth it to stick around, on the chance that someday, she might become a consistently tolerable human being.

Why/how did you marry her?

I think that's a bit harsh to say I have no idea what I'm doing... like I understand that you have had difficulty with your Mum because of her BPD, but from what it sounds like, she never was really making any effort to try and better herself and couldn't accept responsibility. But like I said, it is different with my girl because she definately has empathy, and is prepared to go through therapy together, which are definately good signs. You are right that it has progressed over the past 4 months, but I really think the plate incident is as far as it will progress.


No headbanging or fake fainting or cutting. She has threatened to commit suicide though, but she was really upset when she said that and didn't mean it, and a lot of girls say things like that, that they don't mean.

I think as well, it's important to add that obviously things like kids or marriage are not in anyway on the horizon at all. So, I am not worried about getting "locked in" as some of you have said, if it doesn't wind up working out.


I read a lot of that WVUSkinsfan thread, and I couldn't see my girl in that Michelle woman at all. Seemed to just be the typical trailer-trash relationship to be honest. She definately had issues other than BPD. And it made me feel better about my relationship.

Jesus ****ing christ.

It's only been 4 months and this **** is already happening. After jus having left a relationship with one of these nutjobs, i can assure you, it gets worse.

I'll stop reading this thread for a few years. Can't wait for a 5 year update where he says how stupid he was.

Even money that she is now or will be lying about birth control/poking holes in condoms before Christmas. +750 that OP visits a hospital, jail or morgue by Christmas 2014 because of this gf if he stays.

Michael, most of the posters here seem to have some working knowledge and life experiences connected to someone with BPD. It sounds as if a common thread is impulsiveness and manipulation. while you may THINK that marriage and children are currently NOT on the horizon, I would be concerned about HER horizon at this point. USE PROTECTION. ALWAYS.

Not a new parent but this book seems very cool. Just bought it for my NOOK. TY for recommendation.

I feel bad for everyone who has gone through the pain of one of these relationships, I was married to a woman with many of these traits. I do accept that I may have had some sort of bizarre need for upheaval in my life and at times I secretly loved the absolute confusion and wildness in my life that she brought.

OP, I say stay while you feel good, don't get trapped into anything you can't handle and have fun while it lasts. Today, my life is perfectly controlled, where no one is allowed in to upset it in the slightest. And, at times, that makes me longingly sad for the "bad" old days, lol.

Edit - To show I really may have a personality quirk, we lived together for a year after we were divorced and dated for fifteen years (and three more husbands) afterwards.

Just buy paper plates.

I'll comment on this as soon as I stop laughing!! it's going to take a week, though.

LOL! Even then the paper cuts will be substantial.

Shocked at OP's denial stance of "my gf's BPD isn't as bad as everyone else's BPD." Shocked, I tell you.

OP, as I said before, get help for yourself. You need it. More than you know.

I mean I'm not going to beat up on you, OP, because you're right in that none of us know her or you. However, plenty of the people who have responded in this thread have experience with individuals with her diagnosis. I wouldn't dismiss all of that out of hand.

It's your choice (ldo) to be with her or not, but as I recommended before, you need to talk to an experienced clinician (on more than just an internet site) so you can get some idea of what this might mean for you, particularly if she decides to go into regular treatment to try to improve her specific issues. It would effect how you relate to her, and how you react to her when she's exhibiting typical borderline traits such as emotional instability and the prototypical "I love you/I hate you" push/pull that BPD clients tend to show with anyone they feel attached to.

I wish you the best of luck, but I'd be lying if I said I was very hopeful this was going to be a healthy relationship, either in the short or long term. The odds are just stacked against you. This isn't to say that either of you are bad people, but BPD is characterized by volatile interpersonal relationships - that's a hallmark of BPD. Odds are pretty high you're just going to be another person in that volatility.

All manipulation and it's only been 4 months. It'll get much, much worse. More than you can imagine.

Guys, she is different. I think this is going to work out.

No, they don't

Yeah, remember all those posts about perception of "normal" being skewed and unreliable?

This would be one of those times.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enabling

I just realized that OP said he thinks all women threatened suicide. I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that his mother or possibly his father has serious mental health issues. When I was 18-21 I thought all women were crazy too. Growing up with someone with something like BPD makes you devalue yourself (they devalue their own children after all). They treat you as an extension of their own needs and you learn to completely subordinate your needs to theirs. It seems normal when you grow up in that environment.

Seriously, OP, what kind of parents were yours? Did they exhibit traits of a PD? This would explain a lot. You need to become more self-aware of this, so you can break the pattern. I speak from experience. Read a ton about this. Buy books. Memorize them. You don't want to spend the rest of your life in this hell.

I'm also wondering if it will even possible for Michael and his gf to get couple's counseling at this point in their relationship. If there isn't a serious commitment at this point, to marriage or a long-term relationship, how would this work? I'm thinking separate therapists might be a better fit.

OP,

I, like others, have had lots of experience with a clinically diagnosted partner with BPD.

She must go to therapy regularly. With a clinical, PhD therapist who is experienced in this realm. Most therapists do not fit that criteria. Non-negotiable. It will be the best money you could possibly spend.

Please read this book:



I will buy it for you if you PM me.

There are about a million books your s/o should read. I would recommend the following at least:

A Guide to Rational Living

Also Mastery of Love

You will deal with great highs and great lows. The search for the highs will help get you through the lows but it will exhaust you. You need to relentlessly establish and enforce personal boundaries. You will have to develop empathy well beyond your current ability. It can get better, but it takes a concerted effort over time by both of you. Therapy, reading and writing by her will be key. Find activities without distractions that are grounding for her and enjoyable for you. But most importantly, be ready for a long, hard road should you continue down this path.

Op, you will find another woman who will let you bone her. Have some self respect and do not continue down this path with a psycho who threw a glass plate at you for putting a fork away in the wrong place. You are only 4 months in, you might think you're head over heels and this violent woman is the love of your life but if you can stand a bit and think of 4 month swings in your life you will see how laughable your thinking is. You have little invested now, hold yourself to a higher standard, you don't deserve to be treated like that and you shouldn't be.

Hit the eject button, buddy

Let them say we're crazy.

I don't care about that.

Put your hand in my hand, baby, don't ever look back.

OP, listen to all the people telling you to stay with her b/c they stayed with their BPD partner and it worked out great. Oh, wait, there are none of those...