Originally Posted by MichaelScarn
I just thought I'd give you guys an update. Yes, I am still with my gf, and no, I don't have a job. I feel worse than I have in a long time. We got back into the routine of staying in bed practically all day just talking and listening to music. Everything just feels a lot darker in the relationship now for the most part, we had a whole half hour conversation on what would be the least painful way to suicide last week. Even with the anti-depressants, which was originally helping me get out of bed when I first started taking it, and made me feel more capable if not better, I have started having the same feelings of total hopelessness I was having before. Neither of us are eating anything really either, and I just feel like whenever I try to eat anything before the evening, that it's just going to come straight back up. She has started smoking regular cigarettes, and I have as well, just because I have really been craving and having the urge to smoke, and even though I think weed is better for you than cigarettes for the most part, I don't want to be mixing weed with meds. My nightmares are as bad as before, and it's ridiculous how vivid and intense they are. It's horrible because when you're depressed, you just want to sleep, but when you suffer from nightmares, you're worried about going to sleep, and it winds up playing on your mind even more.
But it got really bad after I had a panic attack 3 weeks ago. I had never had one before, at least to that extent. It was the scariest experience of my life, I had a lot of things on my mind, from my relationship, to my financial situation, to how am I going to get a job, and I saw a big spider at my feet, and I instinctivelly stomped on it. But it didn't die. It was hurt, but not dead. I stomped on it again, and it was just sort of desperately trying to crawl on 1 leg, I am guessing its other 7 were broken, and I wanted to put it the poor thing out of its misery, but it just wouldn't die. It finally stopped moving, and just out of nowhere I got really hot, and I felt out of breath and was really struggling for air. I have never felt as scared and desperate as that. I honestly thought I was going to die, and if my gf wasn't there with me who knew what was happening and helped me through it, I really don't know what would have happened. When I settled down, I felt hungover, and spent the next while just throwing up. Even when I felt better, I was just so shook up afterwards that I felt like I couldn't move, scared that something might trigger another attack. The next day, my gf told me that it was the Zoloft that my psych gave me and told me to stop taking it. I told her that I need to tell him about it, and she wasn't happy about it because she doesn't want me to see him anymore. I rang my psych and told him it was urgent, and he fit me in a short time later. I told him what happened, and he doesn't believe it was the Zoloft, and that it was a bad panic attack triggered by stress along with the sympathy and guilt of the spider, but to make me feel better, he prescribed me Celexa and that was it.
Have you thought about getting more serious help yourself? I know your GF will hate but this doesn't sound very healthy. I'm pretty sure she doesn't want you ever getting better--think about every situation you've been with her and what she has tried to get you to do--it's to stay at her level.
Speaking of finances, it's fine for now, but it might not be this time next year, and I have no idea what happens if I can't pay the bills. Like I know they would cut electricity and that, but I don't know if I would be forced to sell it and lose the house. If I lost the house, I would kill myself.
While I'm venting, I need to say, that there are things about my gf which really upset me as well, when I told her I felt really lonely, she got upset and told me I have no reason to feel lonely because I had her, and she took it personally, even though I didn't mean it that way at all. And when I tell her about my past, she listens and understands, but she has told me more than once that there is no comparison in our childhoods, because what happened to her was worse. It's NOT worse. We had different kinds of crappy upbringings, sure. That affected us differently, sure, but neither one of us had it "worse" or better than the other. Then I think about what would happen if she had another violent outburst and it got too much for me, or if she left me, and then I would have no friends, no close family, no girlfriend, and think about that for a second... how many women would date a guy that has no close friends and isn't at all close with his family? Seriously, think about that. Red Flags everywhere.
She is in the exact same spot as you though, you both are screwed if you lose each other (She is actually even in a worse spot b/c she has no house and she is leaching off you). Most normal people never put themselves in this situation where they are overly dependent on one person. Obviously the plan should be to get a larger support team--something a ton of people have repeatedly stated for you to do.
JFC, who cares about which childhood is worse. The fact that they were both bad is all that matters. I think you should make it clear to her that's how it is.
She obviously doesn't understand anything about your situation and could careless about it. Shouldn't this be a hint something is up?
Since you are going to lose your house if things don't get better you better fix it or she is going to leave you--does she really want to be with someone she can't leach from and you are going to be living on the streets or something similar. Maybe that'll be better for you, you'll finally realize what's really going on.
There are some positives though, I haven't smoked pot at all since I last posted, and neither has my GF, even though I have had huge cravings for it. My gf hasn't had any big outbursts and her Mum has stopped calling her for now. Despite all the sexual side-effects I was warned about when starting the anti-depressants, I'm happy to say I haven't had any of them, and sex is one of the few things I still enjoy, even though for the most part, it isn't the same crazy and wild sex we had in the first 6 months of the relationship. A couple of days ago she got her hair done, and seems a lot more postitive, and when she is positive, I am positive. I am going to start looking for a job again as well, because I need to start making some money, or I will have to go to Centrelink soon enough. I know this is a long post, and most of you will have only read up until here for schadenfreude or whatever, but this thread and some of the comments are what gave me the initial motivation to look for a job in the first place, and also to quit weed.
Does she contribute anything $$$ wise or is she making your likely sinking into being broke, quicker? Other than her friendship and companionship what is she giving you?
