Fuming with anger, Roger logged onto Tor and began spamming his contact. "Hey", he typed at an impossibly fast speed, "I need you to get someone's info for me right now. The guy's name is Theymos, and I'm sending you his IP address. Get me everything you can -- full name, address, favourite ice cream flavour, everything. This is urgent."
He sat back in his seat, his heart pounding heavily in his chest. Bitcoin was meant to be free, and was to be associated with a free market: why the hell was someone trying to regulate each and every aspect of it so heavily? Such censorship would be detrimental to the ecosystem, and he would not let it happen - not on his watch. Roger checked the price ticker on /r/bitcoinmarkets -- yep, the price had gone up another 5%. Just another day.
The sharp, ringing notification sound startled him. He quickly opened Tor, and sure enough, he had a response. Roger smiled. This information was gold -- time to post it on Reddit and completely ruin Theymos.
1 week later
The night was dark, starless and silent. Donned in black clothing and a ski mask, Roger thought back on the events of the past few days. He, the great MemoryDealers, had been banned on Reddit - how? All he had done was post the name and address of that wretch Theymos... That horrible, SegWit loving small-blocker. Now, it was time for him to pay. He'd already gotten Theymos's address, and now here he was, right under his apartment block. Roger grinned - it was a smile of pure evil; he hadn't smiled like this since BU support hit an all time high.
Roger unzipped his dark grey back with a satisfying zip and pulled out his beloved grappling hook gun. He aimed it at the window of the fifth floor - where Theymos would undoubtedly be sleeping. He pushed hard on the trigger, and with a loud click the hook went flying through the air right into Theymos's window, latching itself onto the window ledge with a satisfying clang. He tugged on the rope - yep, it was taut and would hold his weight. With a grunt, he grabbed onto the rope and began pulling himself upwards.
His feet softly thudded onto the floor of Theymos's carpeted bedroom. He could vaguely make out its shape in the darkness - it was a gigantic room with a beautiful five monitor setup and a TV opposite the large bed. Roger stepped closer to the bed where he saw a figure sleeping. The man in the bed's chest rose and fell softly with his breathing, and Roger's heartbeat began getting faster and faster. It was time.
He took off the hook attachment from the gun and put the magazine in. Six deadly bullets - but only one would be necessary. Roger went closer to the man, who's face was still shrouded in darkness. Closer and closer and closer, and soon Roger was inches away from his face. He could see him properly now, and Roger stopped dead in his tracks.
The man was gorgeous. He was, by far, the most beautiful man he had ever seen. Sharp, high cheekbones, gorgeous blonde hair, long eyelashes and pale skin. Roger felt a rush of blood go to his cheeks, and he dropped his gun with surprise with a loud thud. The man's eyes suddenly flew open: magnificent electric blue eyes. In astonishment, he rolled off the bed and fell right on top of Roger with a groan. Roger scrambled to get up, and the man pushed himself up with his muscular arms. "What the ****?" he screamed, "what the actual ****?" Hastily, he flicked on the light switch.
Before Roger stood the hottest man he had ever seen in his entire life. He was tall, and shirtless, with chiseled abs. Annoyance was evident on his handsome face. "Who the everloving **** are - oh!" he exclaimed, as realisation dawned upon him. "You're Roger Ver! What the hell are you doing here?"
Roger stood, dumbstruck. His mind was blank. He had no idea what to say, or do, but there was one thing he knew for sure: he was in love.
"Well?" Theymos said, "what the ****, Roger? What do you want?"
"Theymos, I... I wanted to talk to you about activating SegWit."
"What? I thought you hated safe transaction capacity increases."
"I've changed my mind. I'll switch all of my miners over to signal for SegWit activation."
"I'm so confused, what the ****?"
"But, I have one condition."
"Which is?"
"You have to kiss me, right here, right now."
"..."
A myriad of expressions ran across Theymos's face. Surprise, distress, confusion, anger. And then, he did the unexpected. He walked up to Roger, grabbed him by the waist and kissed him passionately. They kissed for a few seconds, and Theymos broke away. "Roger, I've always had a crush on you. I've always sort of wanted this to happen."
"Shh, don't ruin the moment." Roger placed a finger on Theymos's lips and began kissing him again. He slowly slid his hand into Theymos's pants, and then slipped off his boxers.
1 month later
Roger and Theymos are now married and are expecting a baby girl. The price of bitcoin is $4,500. SegWit has been activated and Core plans to increase the blocksize within the next 6 months.
