OHHH SO CLOSE TO A JACKPOT! IF ONLY I HAD X X instead of X X!
IF ONLY I HAD A STRAIGHT FLUSH!!!

"All in on a draw" - Why would you go allin on draws?

Results oriented things in general irritate me.

A friend was watching me play poker once and I lost an all in on the flop hand I was probably 90/10 ahead on to runner runner straight cards.

Him: "I thought you were supposed to be good?"

"I have to wear these sunglasses. They're prescription!"

Mind you, I've never seen him wear glasses anywhere other than the poker table.

"Sorry" after big suckout.

No your not. If you truly are, give back the chips.

the people who get tilted by 'sorry' tilt me. i don't mean that i'm sorry that i won, but saying "as someone who also plays poker, i identify with your current emotions and know that it sucks for you. you seem like a decent person, and while I am enjoying stacking my newly found chips, i am also able to empathize with your plight." takes too damn long.

i too know what it's like to be thirsty

"i think i have to lay this bad boy down"

oh wait, this is worst sayings

For **** heard on TV: Thank god "Pass the SUGAR" has faded from the airwaves!

I also find hugely widespread use of the term "Sir" to be a bit annoying. I know its a polite term but I think at the same time most people still don't want to called Sir unless they are 55yo +

this. also when they apologise for outdrawing you - the whole point of the game is to win the other guy's money. and i hate phil laak's "downtick" for when he's had a losing session. and when he says he "felted" someone.

sick and all its forms

right before folding "I know you've got the _______" ive never seen someone say this and be right. X5 if it is in a small pot

people that say "I should've stayed" to mean not folded. I agree, dude. Don't ever fold again. Plus, the use of "stay" seems to imply done anything I had to to not have to fold. It seems to imply an ignorance of anything like the correct way to think about how to play a hand. Great, I love that you are stupid, but it still tilts me that you are speaking out loud in that manner.

Home games: "Go on, you buy the pot there".

EV
I shoved
ship it
variance
tilted
and about 8,743 more ...

Christ, you must be inside my brain.

Honestly, "That's why they call it gambling" makes me want to pull my own head off and dribble it down the sidewalk like a basketball, then slam dunk it into a garbage can full of broken glass.

So, I really don't care for that expression.

Pockets?

"I got top top"

I too agree with the over-use of EV. It cracks me up to watch the two douchebags on Card Player TV interviewing Laak dropping the EV all over the place.

Will probably get flamed for this but whatever. Seems you people get annoyed at even the simplest of comments, says more about you than the other person imo. It's just a game, relax.

"Its Standard" when someone makes an overly aggresive play based on assumed fold equity when outplayed, followed by a suck out.

Anything that comes out of durrs mouth on an interview with amanda leatherman

"if it was suited i would have" (when they are 100% serious)

Check to the raiser

When someone takes the seat of a player that just won 3 buyins and left

And when some little asian kid who has been 3 betting you all night makes a bad call vs you and hits his river card and yells "Shippp it - The Nutz -" and starts dancing. (happened once).

"Ill order fries" followed by playing several hands with greasy fingers

"Can i colour up?" my 200 BB stack

Calliing KK ace magnets

"I've never had a (insert poker hand)."

Straight flushes are the most common.

Four of a kind makes me LOL real hard.

This does my head in too. I almost mucked aces the other day in a home game (although admittedly I had drunk half a barrel of home brew).

'Finnish Beans for the Gentleman' - This really annoys me. If I want my cards smothered in juicy juice I'll ring R Kelly. Don't juice another mans cards!

'Pass the sugar' - Only spoken by plebs. Fact.

"Bullllldozzzzzeerrrrrrrrrr....!!!!"

"I had to play the 4-10 offsuit...IT'S MY FAVORITE HAND"

The condescending "nice hand, sir" after it loses is also annoying.

and everything here

100% agree. I hit table share the other night right after some idiot asked "are you going to deal a jackpot?" and he did. I was actually a little frustrated because now he will never stop. He won the bad beat for $10,800 and probably thinks it is because he asked about it.

I really like this gambling phrase though:
"I hope I break even, I need the money!"