lol this is gold.

Playing a live donkament, guy open limps the CO with AK, board runs out A K 2 8 9, he checks flop and turn and bets half pot on river. Tables AK, someone asks y he didnt raise preflop, his response "whats the point they call with any two cards anyway"
I had to take a walk from the table so i didnt laugh my ass of at the guy

I hear, "I hate AK" and, "I hate jacks" on a daily basis

I always offer for them to just trade hands with me when they're dealt those hands.

I've also heard that in some South American locales this is true in poker as well.

Yeah, after I abused a pot all the way with JJ and losing to runner runner flush I was berated by 3 people about playing **** and how jacks are never good.

The other night there's a guy at the table who is up to about $2000 at a 1/3NL game ($300 max buy-in). He seems to have some clue of the game and I'm giving him some credit when the following hand occurs. From here on I will refer to him as The Professor.

The Professor limps from UTG. UTG+1 raises to 12. There are six callers (yeah I know, what a great game huh?) so Professor calls as well. We see a somewhat draw heavy board similar to K 10 2.

Professor checks, UTG+1 bets 15. Folds around to Professor who gives UTG+1 a lecture about how he needs to bet more so as not to give him the pot odds he needs to call.

Turn is a blank. He says, "You need to bet like half the pot here so I can't call," then checks. UTG+1 bets 35. Professor says, "Good! Now I have a decision to make. That makes it harder for me to call, see?" He then looks at his cards, looks at the board, and folds. When UTG+1 turns over KK he then says, "Oh, that's a monster! You shouldn't have bet so much! You should have drew me in by only betting a little!"

He continues to give the entire table advise oh how they could have played their hands better the rest of the time that he sits there.

I probably make this guy look like an idiot (even if it makes me look like an *******) just to shut him up.

Viejas, outside of San Diego playing 1/2 $100 buy-in. Guy is very clueless and just calls down with just an ace trying to hit it, into the game for at least $700. Him and I get in a hand where he calls me on all streets. We get to the river and i ship with KK ( which was soo easily good vs this guy), we pauses for a bit then says," I dont know what to do. I have a question about this hand, Can I ask you? Can I ask the dealer?" Dealer tells him after the hand he can help him out but not in the middle of it. Guy calls saying," I think I have a straight, tabling K3, saying straight QKA23. You can make a 'carry over' straight right???"

Why live poker is so profitable. Guy ended up losing about 15 buy-ins....

Was playing 5-150 at Casino Arizona about a year ago when this hand comes up. I'm sitting with about $1200. I have 67 i call a 25 preflop bet. Pots three ways. I flop an open ended straight flush draw. I check, 9 seat bets 50, I call and the other plays folds. Turn is a blank, I check villian checks. Turn brings the 5 making my straight flush. (board was not paired) I bet 50 and get insta raised 150...I stop and think for a second and reraise another 150. Before I even get my chips in to the pot I get raised another 150. We go back and forth till he gets all his chips in, he had $1000 preflop.

He Slams his cards down KJ and states "FLUSH! Beat that kid!"

At this point I'm not usually an ass but I waited a sec and flipped my hand over in front of me(I'm in seat 3) he just see's hearts and no ace and screams "I knew it, I knew you had nothing. Do you know what your doing?" I still sit quite and the dealer pulls my cards up to put in front of the board and the guy starts yelling.

Dealer just states, "Straight flush wins every day sir, even today."

Guy collapses in his seat and gets up and walks away a few min later.

Saw him a few days later and he said sorry for being an ass.

5/10 nl AJ facing a bet h/u on AKT board

"I put you on queens, but if i'm behind that means i have two less outs."

semi bluffing the turn all in against top pair decent kicker who looked like a deflated baloon after a flop bet. paired board with possible flush and str8. if he folded it would've been nh but since he called and i have to show my hand im the sick bastard hoping to hit my draw.

preflop raise with AK suited, cbet the flop after missing it. get called, bet the turn called. check the river, fold. villain shows a straight which was runner runner, after being asked what he had on the flop, he replied "i had a straight draw, i wasn't going anywhere".

"Well the bill collectors don't care if I'm short $50 or short $500, so I might as well try to gamboool so I have a chance to pay them!"

1/2 at the Orleans in Vegas. 6-way limped pot, SB folds and the BB shoves all-in for $79. Everyone folds except for the Button who forcibly says "Call" and flips over his hand - 95 offsuit.

BB looks confused, turns over JJ, the dealer runs the board and the BB wins the hand.

As I'm sitting next to the Button, I ask him, "Um...you mind me asking why you called his all-in with 95?"

The guy looks at me like I'm a total noob and replies, "I had position."

Not unique, but we have one guy at our home games who berates anyone who folds pre-flop as "you don't know what you've got until you see the flop". He follows this logic to the letter - limps Aces and calls 20xBB raises with ATC.

This isn't really in the same vein as many of the posts but something that happens a disproportionate amount of the time in the live games I play is I may have a hand like trips or top 2 pair on the turn. More than a few times I have put my opponent all in on the turn having made a hand like this, worried only about the possibilty of this anus sitting opposite me riverring a flush if i let him in too cheap. Now, before this guy would make the appalling call he is about to, he considers everything like the fact that he is getting worse than 2-1 odds on a 4-1 shot etc. Then he looks me up and down like he's trying to figure out if his current holding (for instance 9-high) is any good. Finally, his thought process comes to its conclusion as he goes back over the hand and arrives at the desicion that a diamond probably is coming on the river, "especially when you consider the preflop action", and calls. When the flush does come, he acts all pleased with himself like he made a really good call and caught me in a bluff or something.

Anyway, this doesn't f**k me up too much becuase I tend to reload and felt him to ensure that while I'm getting a comfortable taxi home at the end of the night... he's picking up drunks in his. Booyah.

This. Easily the best so far! Cannot stop laughing...