ultimatum: either wife and upcoming child or poker - Page 4 - Psychology in Poker and Gambling

bcpoker121 · 03-25-2009, 06:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by randomcards

Your wife does not view this as a $50 per month issue.

She views it as something akin to asking for $50 a month to buy drugs, but you are only a recreational user

In her mind it is a slope that you will head down fast.

My wife would be the same way except we came to an agreement about my bankroll. 4 or so years ago when I made $300 bucks or so and she was "concerned" about poker, we agreed that I could play poker (or gamble in general) with the amount in my bankroll, but I could never use "family" money to do so. In exchange she doesn't harass me about playing poker, or gambling on business trip.

I know however that if I busto my roll, I am done and not getting more money so I am super careful about playing within my roll (now about 3.5K). I never spend a dime of that money on anything, it's just my "fun" money to keep peace in the house.

Has been a good compromise that has prevented the "I'm going to XYZ casino next week I'm going to take $400" fights that would always happen.

EDIT:
Oh yeah, but you have already screwed the pooch. Quit cold turkey for at least 2 years. When you show faithfulness to your wife and are a good dad and trustworthy you can broker the subject again if you still feel the need.

This is great. If I had done this: Been up front with wife, have inital bankroll and that's it, never use "family" money, I would have been fine. I guess that's the line some, including me cross. The OP's decision is pretty easy in my opinion. But if he were to approach it again, something like this I could see working.

I thought to myself that I would like to try this too, but I think I have to get the rest of my life in order first before even entertaining the idea.

Nstomper · 03-25-2009, 11:56 PM

give her up man you don't need some girl with a kid and stretch marks cramping up your style.

PocketQueens · 03-26-2009, 05:37 PM

You need addiction help. Point blank. Something becomes an addiction when you have to lie to someone or hide your habit. Poker is not a bad thing for me although I'm not a winning player yet (break even) but I don't lie to my wife about deposits and I play during downtime. Example, my son has gone to bed and my wife is watching television. I don't take away from my son or my wife to support my poker. If you have to keep depositing you are doing something wrong and have not been getting much from these forums. I would say talk to her and use the deposit limit feature available (i know PStars has this not sure about others).

Better than anything though, if you have been playing for 3 1/2 years and have not transformed into a winning player then you probably need to get help!

QQ

rugmuncher · 03-26-2009, 06:50 PM

teach her to play poker,she may come round

OR,

try to meet in middle ground ,say $10 deposits as a hobby

votetheday · 03-27-2009, 09:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kerls

During the past 3 1/2 years I have fallen in love with playing poker. It's become a major obsession for me because I am the type of person who takes activities seriously. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, whether it's learning to snowboard or play football - I play to win and do everything in my power to get an edge.

The major problem I'm having right now is that my passion and determination to play and improve as a poker player is no longer compatible with my relationship with my wife; this is because I have failed to be upfront with her on multiple occasions (agreeing verbally to a set deposit limit online and then depositing more money, playing after being told to stop, etc.). She was hurt emotionally by my actions so much to the degree that now even the thought of me playing will bring her to tears.

With that being said, I still have the urges/want to play. Over the past week I was thinking through how I could rectify the problem by setting up a contract with her where my deposits would be limited to a set amount each month - $50.00. I was also hoping that we could negotiate time spent on the internet; this would work out fine for me since I mostly play cash games and am +ev in those games, and I already have a full time job. Unfortunately, when I brought up this idea to her she was calm but firm in saying she was unwilling to negotiate on this issue. She also made it very clear to me that I basically had to choose between her and playing poker, which for me is devastating because they are both things I cherish.

The situation is more complicated for the following reasons:

1) we've been married for almost 2 years now.
2) we have our own condo
3) she's pregnant and is expecting in 6 months. The last thing I want is to not be there for my child.
4) I do love her and do know where she's coming from, since I did lie to her on repeated occasions.

I am torn as to what to do. I know that if I choose to quit poker that I will have the urges to continue playing. If I choose this option, what steps can I take to ensure I follow through with no longer playing?

If I do choose to play poker and give up this relationship, what's the best way to go forward?

Thanks in advance

I haven't read any of the repliers. So I may be repeating someone. Or you may have already came up with a decision.

Anyway..

Who/what made you write this subject "either wife and upcoming child or poker"?

Take both.

Now if you can't manage your time between family (well man, it's not "your wife and child" - it's your family you are to care of) and the poker - that's another problem. And it's solvable.

Is poker your main source of income? If not, then..

Can you ask your wife for two weeks off? To find a place, to sit alone, and to play poker. For two weeks. Explain it to your wife honestly. Say you need some time to get a "missing you" feeling. Say you won't hire girls. I'd even offer her to put a webcam in my room, or smt :-) If your wife is wise, she will agree.

You then get your time for poker.

Two weeks will pass and you'll see. If you want poker, or you want your child and his/her mother to always be along with you. You know, people are people, you can always agree with anyone to have 6 hours of poker a week. It's simply that you need to put your priorities right.

Now if poker is your income, then, well... You should not have gotten into this situation. Basically, you won't be able to enjoy any other job. Try a therapist would be my best guess...

Poker is a game. Lots of families have problems e.g. about football. It's human-to-human understanding and decisions, not the thing itself, that need to be though of.

Peace. I wish you the wise and strong young man to be born ;-)

kyzerjose · 03-27-2009, 11:22 AM

Dude, this has nothing to do with poker. Your wife doesn't trust you. Apparently for good reason.
Work on it.

Acombfosho · 03-27-2009, 12:42 PM

Quote:

The major problem I'm having right now is that my passion and determination to play and improve as a poker player is no longer compatible with my relationship with my wife; this is because I have failed to be upfront with her on multiple occasions (agreeing verbally to a set deposit limit online and then depositing more money, playing after being told to stop, etc.). She was hurt emotionally by my actions so much to the degree that now even the thought of me playing will bring her to tears.

You need to seek professional help. You have a gambling addiction.

This is the best plan you can get:

- Do not play poker for the rest of this YEAR. NO POKER.
- Get help from gamblers annoymous, attend all the classes.
- Join a Coaching Site (like DC where you can get all the videos Downloaded and watch them all over the course of the year) try to understand the mindset a pro has
- save up all those monthly $50 deposits
- After you've watched everything you can and taken notes, at the end of the year, get HEM and deposit the saved up $50's ONCE in BULK and play WITH BR MANAGEMENT (30 buyins for Cash 50 Buyins for SNG 100 for MTT)
- track your results using HEM
- play 250k hands, and evaluate your results.
- If you're still not winning, give up and play for fun.

Fungahz · 03-28-2009, 08:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Acombfosho

You need to seek professional help. You have a gambling addiction.

This is the best plan you can get:

- Do not play poker for the rest of this YEAR. NO POKER.
- Get help from gamblers annoymous, attend all the classes.
- Join a Coaching Site (like DC where you can get all the videos Downloaded and watch them all over the course of the year) try to understand the mindset a pro has
- save up all those monthly $50 deposits
- After you've watched everything you can and taken notes, at the end of the year, get HEM and deposit the saved up $50's ONCE in BULK and play WITH BR MANAGEMENT (30 buyins for Cash 50 Buyins for SNG 100 for MTT)
- track your results using HEM
- play 250k hands, and evaluate your results.
- If you're still not winning, give up and play for fun.

If he has a gambling problem, he should quit for good, and avoid all possible exposure to gambling and poker. Playing poker is almost certianly not a good life decision for a gambling addict.

GCP · 03-30-2009, 12:27 AM

Just tell her you're quitting but actually sneak in a tournament here and there.

GCP · 03-30-2009, 12:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fungahz

If he has a gambling problem, he should quit for good, and avoid all possible exposure to gambling and poker. Playing poker is almost certianly not a good life decision for a gambling addict.

Actually, it's probably the best life decision for a gambling addict.

khanrava · 03-30-2009, 03:10 AM

if you leave it poker will be there for you to come back to someday. she wont be

BillNye · 03-30-2009, 07:30 PM

quit poker and raise your ****ing kid.

GTApoker · 03-30-2009, 07:37 PM

pics of wife obv

Henry17 · 03-30-2009, 08:38 PM

Wow. It is one thing if the choice was between making serious money at poker vs wife but OP is losing. How is that even a choice? Wife should leave him because he is a degenerate even if he quits.

fairewin · 04-01-2009, 03:57 PM

Complete no-brainer - choose the wife and child over poker. Besides, if you were truly a winning player then why would you need to continue making deposits?

Also, IMO trying to negotiate something like a contract with your wife is ridiculous. Women tend to think differently from men, and for the most part that difference is driven by emotion, whereas men tend toward logic. A contract with your wife is not "nice". She probably feels like you love poker more than her. Also since you have a history of not abiding by promises (depositing more and playing more when you weren't supposed to) there is no reason for her to believe you will abide by the contract.

Try finding another activity that you can put your energy into. It sounds like you've been able to do that with other things already, so it's just a matter of moving on. May I suggest something social that your wife can enjoy too, so she isn't left out. Also it's worth considering starting up something that will be fun for the kid too one day, like something outdoors or sports-related.