Whoa, that's rough. Agree that you shouldn't think that you're case is less worthy than others. Agree that you should take advantage of all counseling and support available to you. But I am going to take a guess: Are you torturing yourself that you didn't do enough to prevent the shooting even though everybody says that you were justified? IOW, if you shot him to prevent him from killing somebody ELSE, not yourself, would it make a difference?

It plays into it. I wonder about OC spray, Tasers, even physically disarming him. I replay the event in my head and try to play it differently without shooting him.

It would've been easier if I was protecting someone I think.

That's what I suspected. If you absolutely HAD to shoot him w/o any question whatsoever in order to protect somebody else's life you'd have less of a problem, maybe no problem at all. But since it was you, and you had other options you can't let it go. I like you. I think I'd be doing the same thing. I'd suggest letting the burden go, you did your duty. Other ppl have reviewed it and have no problem w/ what you did. You didn't have a long time to think it through at the time like you do now. Accept it as done if you can. I hope this helps.

and who knows what couldve happened if you hadnt.

better safe than sorry.

That's a rough road to go down... i can't say anything myself because i've never been there.. but I can easily tell by the way my mind works if I had to kill someone for the right reasons it would not make it any easier for me.... I think you feel the same way.... My biggest suggestion would to be therapy one on one.... this is something you may deal with the rest of your life but at least having an explanation of why you feel the way you do and that it's ok to feel that way will give you much inner peace... i'm not sure what else to say but I wish you the best... a good support group is the best thing you can have...

I'm taking one of my periodic strolls through this forum, so this is a bit of a bump. But that means that maybe something's changed since starting this thread -- any updates? Also, I don't see why you have to go to a group if it makes you uncomfortable. Individual therapy could be a good place to start until you think you are ready for the group. You can let the therapist know your reasons and work out a good plan that fits your needs.

Update:

Been to two group meetings, so far so good.

It helps. I've also set up an appointment to do one on one.

Tx for the update, glad it's going well.

I also wanted to add an additional thought: Had you attempted some other measure such as the Taser you mentioned it might not have worked but you know that already. However you may not have considered that the risk would not be only on yourself. If other measures had allowed a person who had just murdered someone to escape he may well have murdered another person. Looked at that way what you did could very well have saved another person's life.

That's a good point.

I'm trying to get out of that mindset entirely though.

Good thought came up while talking to a very good friend of mine who's a LE Trainer. I asked him a "What if?" question about this incident and he looked at me and said "What's it matter?" I said "what?" he said "Assume you think this through in your head, you come up with the perfect solution to stop him without injuring him 100% of the time, covering all situational variables" I said " Ok" he said "Now what?" I said "What do you mean 'Now what'?" he says "Well, you've figured out the problem, so now all that's left is to travel back in time and fix it, right?"

Really made a lot of sense to me.

Really like your friends analysis of the situation. I hope this along with the counselling helps you come to terms with the awful situation that your job put you in.
You were just doing your job that you were trained to do, to the best of your ability, and you did the right thing, as everyone around you and in this thread agrees.
Just glad it wasn't me, as I'd end up missing the bad guy and shooting an innocent bystander.

I came upon this thread by accident but I wanted to tell you that you should really try EMDR. I have done EMDR therapy as I suffered from Complex PTSD. You will notice changes very fast with this especially in your case if this is your only trauma incident. I had multiple traumas I got help for and could tell it was working first day.

http://www.emdr.com/index.php

You wrote that you were hesitant on getting help because others suffered worse. With that mentality nobody would ever get help as you can always find someone who suffered worse and someone who suffered less. That doesn't mean they all shouldn't get help. Suffering is suffering and especially when it is traumatic therapy is needed. I wish you the best of luck in healing.

Dblbarrelj=hero

Hope alls going well!

Don't feel to bad, my brother was shot and killed by police, and he was a waste of space. I actually was hoping he'd die in that exact way. Sounds harsh, but when someone abuses you and your whole family for years, you might not hold much sympathy for the abuser.

I once wrote a long letter to the cop who shot him to let him know about how I felt, but I decided to shelve it instead of send it. Got it somewhere still.

And I always thought my brother, who attacked police with a knife, was basically committing suicide by cop. If he didn't know that attacking the police full force with a large knife was going to get him a brutal response, then that's his own stupidity.

P.S. They did try the taser first, with no effect. And the attack continued and then the lead cop shot until the bullets ran out. 4 or 5 hit.

P.P.S. The guy you shot was probably a waste of space too or wanted to die.

Yeah it might feel that way, but you need to honour yourself, PTSD is wat it is, do a few cycles of group therapy. I read in one book that victims of PTSD never truly heal until they are in a group setting. Victims tend to help each other heal because they can relate, it helps them to bring closure, and it will help you to relate to them as you recover.

I'm actually honoured that you would share something this intimate.

Thanks for the responses.

I been hitting the group therapy sessions every Tuesday.

Met one of the guys who backed me up that day out at that gas station a week or so ago, just hung out. Still had some anxiety, but it's improving.