Hi

Im a 20 year old semi pro from Europe. I have self diagnosed myself with OCD and I am currently ignoring those thoughts most of the times since a couple of weeks. I have had it since I was little and poker made it extremely worse.

Ive been playing poker for 3 years now and Ive made some good money with it.

I never had a real job. I think Ive made around 100k USD in those 3 years which is okay money for my age.

However I think it might have been the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Poker decentralized me. I dont have the feeling that I am alive, even though I ve done all kind of stuff the last year. I travelled to south america for 2 months. I did a scuba diving course and I jumped out of a plane.

However the years before that poker probably destroyed me. I am an above average smart person based on my school results and my logic of thinking if I compare it to other people and especially friends and/or schoolmates.

I am currently about to start a study however poker really ****ed up my mind and I am already tilting of the thought of me working for anything less than 100k USD or even studying instead of playing poker for a living or just start a business. This is because I have had (close) contact with a lot of extremely succesful poker people ((multi)million dollar winners). This incredebily ****ed up my sense of the reality of the lives of 99.9% of the people and makes me depressed as well.

In May I had a major anxiety attack which I am glad now I have had. It opened my mind a bit more about my body. Before that I felt like I am a superman and I could never get sick. My mindstate was extremely decentralized back than and extremely ''floaty'' on the earth. Nothing felt real as in real. It may sound weird but I think some of you might have had the same feeling at least once in their lives.

During the anxiety I made plans of jobs which I can have a career in and help other people, such as a psychologies or a volunteer or something like that.
However now the anxiety is gone I am back where I was, the world flying around me like time is something that doesnt exist. I dont feel like I am alive.

Also something else, sorry for the extremely long post, my norms, values, view of the meaning of live, and my view on the world seems to be changing like every week. Its extremely swingy and Ive no ****ing idea why it is.

Fwiw Ive been to a psychologist a couple of times but its only effective for a couple of days before I fell down again in this feeling.

Eventhough I am not suicidal but if I didnt have any family I would not have the ''fuel'' to live anymore since its all useless, even though I can still enjoy a lot of things. (this is NOT NOT NOT a suicidal post , just describing my feelings)

I am a ****ing failure as well since I had the capacity of going big in poker but I let OCD taking me over.

Please help me

Ok , so what i understood is that , you met some successful pros , you saw how awesome their life is , and compared to their life-style yours seems crap. You shouldn't think like that. Instead of wanting to get quickly rich from poker , you should make realistic goals , and be happy with what you achieved so far. You're 20 and you made 100.000$ in 3 years of poker , this isn't something that everyone can do. I'm 25 and in my two years of poker i won 4000 $ , should i go and put a bullet in my head? lol .

Don't focus too much on making money , try to get good and have fun as much as possible.

Hi

Thank you very much for your reply, appreciate it very much.
However thats just a part of my problem.
I know it is still a lot of money but somehow I can not think like that.

I hate myself for thinking like that (not be happy) and hate myself as well because of all the other feelings I have. I am incredebily disappointed in myself, for example Ive been playing same stakes now for 3 years. I am bad in poker I just got lucky a lot and ran hot. I wasted 3 year of my life thinking that I was doing something good. Realised that after the first year that it was not the case and also got a lot of warning about my poker behaviour (had to work harder etc more discplined) yet still continued like that for 2 more years (having profit for example after 30 minutes and just watch tv the rest of the day thinking I had been productive)

I had an incredebily amount of knowledge about how to make my life better 2 years ago but still managed to stagnate for two years while having that knowledge.

I am just a human failure who got lucky in poker. If I didnt get lucky a lot I would be probably in the dump now.

Cannot be happy with a good study even though thats better than 80% of the people have in my country, that I cannot be happy with that just makes me more depressed as well.

I always thought I was smart and doing a good job but now I realise I was not and I have zero respect for myself.

The floaty feeling made me feel like that but I realised a long time ago how many leaks I had but still havent fixed them for 2 years now. (Underweight, very unsecure, wasting a ton of time doing literally nothing etc)

I had so much potential but wasted it and I cannot forgive myself for it so I just continue wasting it.....

Oh yeah and about the OCD thing , i suffer from it too , but over the years i tried to resist the thoughts and urges to do things , and it got better. Now i only wash my hands like every 10 minutes , but many problems i had are gone. The key is to stop the thoughts right when they pop up in your head.

Hi Eric ,

you are deffo not a failure . Far from it .
And i am not talking about poker or money .
Keep getting prof. help , check on line if there are ocd help groups .
Actually , you are very lucky in that you can live a relatively normal life .
You are young and are not afraid to look for help , that is a huge + .

Thank you all for the kind words and tips. However Ive wasted 3 years of my live stagnating (made money but most of it is gone already) I dont think I am life worthy having done such a thing. I dont know if any of you understand this, I think some do, but I feel just like a waste of life. Ive been to the pscyhologist for 10 times now the last 12 weeks and it hasnt helped a bit to be honest.

Eric , in that case i would strongly suggest that you find another psycologist .
Some people get lucky the first time and find some one who can help them .
I have known people that saw several before they found the right one .
I know it's easy for me to say this but keep trying.
There will be someone out there who can help you deal with your ocd and help you move forward with your life again.

just did a quick google search an found this

http://www.ocdaction.org.uk/

There are bound to be others in the Uk and other country's.

Hey mate hope it all works out my girlfriend has exactly the same feeling. Just the feeling like nothing is real and floating above the earth feeling. It is werid but i think it is a big part of anxiety as she has been told. Most of the time its in your head and you convince your self this stuff.

I totally understand the feeling.

Stop judging yourself, what happened happened, it's done, it's past and there is NOTHING you can do about it. What is within your power ? Your actual life now that you "woke-up" from the life you had and are unhappy with.

Last time I was floating, I just got back onto down to earth things to do. I got a small job as a cook, it got myself grounded back. I had professional help and I still do because actually a therapy is quite long. And I began to use the muscles I forgot I had.

Change your psychologist, you need to connect to him/her.
Find a part-time job in a field that you like and which would link you to others
Exercize in a way or another to get yourself grounded

Don't stop now, follow the flow and move while you have some energy to do so !

Have you tried not psychologist but psychiatrist( guy, who talks less, but prescribes more pills)?

I am convinced, that excessive poker ****s-up the brain chemistry big time. I am absolutely no specialist, but what you write sounds like a loss of reality. I dont mean this money stuff and multimillionairs, but this:

"However now the anxiety is gone I am back where I was, the world flying around me like time is something that doesnt exist. I dont feel like I am alive."

Actually, if your psychologist talks to you that much, it's a problem. He is just supposed to put you back on the tracks when you are out of them. You are supposed to be the talker.

Second, medication is no solution unless OP has a friggin serious problem. Medication was for a lot of people I knew with psychological issues the actual problem they had. Medication is for friggin serious issues, not for a guy who just feels depressed.
It just seems that he needs to get back to reality and medication doesn't seem to be the help he needs. He needs to work his ass off, feel useful and connect with people again.

Do it. Volunteer, find anything that actually isn't making yourself numb and try to feel useful. Find a job where you are serving/helping people whatever the pay is. You seem to have enough money to live, so try things !

As for you values issues, try a martial art. Do it without thinking twice. Find any martial art that you would like more, be it Aikido if you like the defensive aspect, Karate if you never practiced any, Viet Vo Dao because you would be able to chop a head-off with your flying scissors.

You are having a bad time right now because you are overthinking. Get-up and do.

Eric

I'm 33, separated from wife, 1 child, serving in Army for last 7 years and feel EXACTLY like you do...

DON'T LET ANOTHER 13 YEARS GO BY AND CONTINUE TO FEEL THIS WAY...PLEASE.
With your signs and symptoms, I'm sure you wouldn't make it that far before you choose to take that VERY SELFISH option... It's not worth it...I know


I know the feeling is horrible, like you're stuck, have no direction, no hope, no desires, no motivation or goals...Like you're just aimlessly going through life. You want things to change, to better yourself, to accomplish something, to improve yourself...You just don't know how. Taking that first step and staying on the right path is very difficult

ALSO...I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING NYAF IS SAYING...Take his advice. You're not alone. You have a very strong community here at 2+2 that does care. We're not all scumbag gamblers. But you must look elsewhere. Look for inspirational sites and forums...find people that love, care, respect, understand...seek them out. Thousands understand your situation and can guide/help you get to that better place

I too enjoy poker and really thought I could make a living at it... but results over 4 years has proven different. I'm clueless on what to do post Army...I do know I want to leave

Anyhow...You're 20 and Have lived an INCREDIBLE life thus far. You've accomplished so much, more than most of wish we could in a lifetime. Sit back and really think about that and cherish it. You have soooo much potential it's not even funny. Just take a few steps back and regroup. You'll be fine

Just don't wait till you're my age

PM me anytime if ya like to chat offline

Shawn

Hi Eric,

I thought I'd reply to this because I've been in a very similar position to yours. The tips I might have might not be that different then the one's above but either way thought it might help.

First of all you might want to read up one what is labeled as "depersonalization". It's like a feeling that you are viewing the whole world as if your watching tv...or like a third person view etc etc. Anyways there are a number of things that can cause it and there are some things that have also helped people. It can even be triggered sometimes by drug use. There are some forums on this topic and I suggest you check them out. I do not claim to be any kind of professional on this topic but I think it helps reading other people's experiences.

I still actually have this feeling to some extent. I think for most people it starts by doing something that disconnects you from the world and then it's becomes hard to reconnect. In my case it was an issue with abusing MJ when I was younger. In your case it seems to be poker. I can see how playing hours of it and focusing it completely can distance yourself from reality. I also play poker (duh) and it has this effect on me sometimes but it when I reenter the world.

What helped me is simply finding something that pulls me back down to earth. One of these things, the simplest, is exercise. It does help, a lot. Another is socializing, and finding other things that make you want to be "in the moment". It's not easy. I've read of stories where people are stuck in it for years or only weeks. It's really up to you. You have to make the effort. Like I said I still experience it. I think it also has to do with protecting myself from the world, it's just easier to be distant. You've got to be willing to take the risk to be "there".

About how you feel about wasting your life. It's only a waste if you think it is. Life is all about the experience. Anything you did for those two years, it was what you needed to come to the realization that you want to change. So in no way a waste. You're still so young you've got more then enough time. Take it one step at a time. Set a task you want to complete every week/ then day etc.

I hope this helped somehow. By experiencing yourself (getting to know yourself) you will get to know what triggers these thoughts and over time you can control it. The important thing and the thing that matters the most is that you recognized that you want a change. Because after that it's just a matter of time till you seek it and do it. Just have to want it enough. Goodluck to you dude.

Hi guys/girls

Ive been away for a couple of weeks.
Thank you very much for all the advice and other stuff.

The last couple of weeks I tried eating better, didnt play a lot, spent a lot more time with family and also spent more time with friends.

I also signed in at an university, I might not like it at all but Im fine with it since its just a step ahead even if I will quit after awhile. I thought it was better than doing nothing. Theres obviously also a chance I will like it etc.

I must say I feel down to earth more but sometimes it seems Im flying extremely high again, mostly when Im in bed for example.

Theres still a lot more I can do, sleep and eat more better and start going to the gym/exercise.

Spending time and talking with irl with people gave me a more down to earth feeling as well.

I think I will post again in this thread.

Thanks a lot again I was really kindly ''suprised'' to see all the long and detailed post.

Thank a lot

I wish you all the best.