Quote:
Originally Posted by leavesofliberty
It's possible I over-estimate free will in areas such as this, and it is a blind spot of mine.
As I am speaking now, I have an almost uncontrollable urge to go out buy the minimum amount to deposit and play...
I woke up yesterday with the loudest thought on my head, the 1st thought in my head and conversation with myself while I'm still waking up is "today I'm going to play with my money", this is not the 1st day since I stop.
Today, the exact same thing, I wake up and as soon as I wake up still in my bed, in my head the thought to go play with my money is screaming in my head.
And I am here, and because I am alone, and I don't have any plans to do anything, either I go see memes/tv-shows/movies/play other video-game (I have more than 50 different video-games in my computer) or I play poker.
The only thing that I enjoy more than everything I can do in this case, it's to play, and since I can do it, everything else looses like 50% or more of the fun and interest it can have to me, so anything I will do except gambling, will make me feel depressed and sad that I am not gambling, not that I want to feel like that, it's an unconscious feeling, and uncontrollable.
I'm listening music, and i'm almost in panic because I don't want to do it, I don't want to put my money on this again, and this is why I have come here now one more time, but the machine is 5minutes from me, I can go right now, and put all my money on the game, and ruin one more month, delay my life a little more.
And then you say, hey, but you can ban yourself from deposit yourself.
The problem is I can't allow myself to not be free to satisfy my addiction if I feel so, if I do it, I will feel frustrated on top of everything, I will feel anxiety and more will to deposit, I might even go to other site and deposit there just because I can't deposit where I banned myself, just to feel I can do it.
I will feel worse than I'm feeling now. This is me facilitating myself, but i'm afraid I will do it and regret it, and so I don't do it.
Now, i'm fighting with myself, I want to put money, and I say to myself, no, I won't do it, I will loose it, or what I will win will be no good anyways, this is BS, there's no reason to deposit, even if I do it bankroll-managing, it will be the minimum amount and so it will not give me the profit that would leave me confortable if I do make any profit at all...
All the reasons I might have that I tell myself and convince myself to not waste my money, all instantly evaporate when the demon answers with: No, do it, you'll win today. You'll be enjoying yourself.
I'm sitting here, and i'm fantasizing/imaging myself going to get the minimum amount to deposit, like the demon is trying to fool me into seeing that action has being natural/normal...
When I'm talking with someone on the computer, I get constant thoughts of after the end of the conversation, wanting to go play with my money, followed by, it will not make any bad to me to do it, and then my small voice deep inside of me screams, but I listen to her, much more lower, saying, no, it will be bad, you don't like that anymore, you will do other stuff other than that, there's more to that, and there's more to do. And I get sad.
So, I'm scared, I never felt like this with any other addiction other than cigarettes, and even cigarettes don't make me wake up thinking about smoking one cigarette if I don't have them.
I know that if I make the minimum deposit, and I loose it, or I go down, and i'm already playing, completely focused and inside the game, I will be checking out all the tournaments and prizepools, and there will appear a new one that I will want to enter, and I will re-deposit the same day, I will run if I need to just to be present in the tournament if it's almost ending the late registration... And I will tend to check the more higher buy-ins for higher prizepools, which is completely crazy, which will lead for bigger and bigger re-deposits.
The same day re-deposit, turns into a completely acceptable move after passing the barrier of allowing myself to deposit, the feeling of sadness and that I am destroying my life will be there, but I'm no longer moved by myself, I can also feel that I don't even want to be playing anymore, and I will be doing the deposit the same, and gambling, without wanting. But after loosing, the will to re-deposit will like make me alive again, and I will do it again, and again, and again.
Nobody needs to read this, this is just me trying to help myself and distract myself from not going out deposit.
Last edited by thelover; 07-12-2017 at 02:21 PM.