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Old 05-15-2017, 12:38 PM   #1
Natloose
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My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

Firstly, Welcome!

I hope that this thread can help others relate and open some people's eyes to the negative side to gambling.

I started poker when I was almost 18. I saw an advertisement for pokerstars - deposit £10 get £10 free. Free money? Winner. I was working at McDonald's at the time and studying at college something which I hated (Drama). So I figured hay ho it's only £10 let's make some money. Surely enough, knowing nothing about poker I lost within 30 minutes. I laughed about it and walked away.

I had no responsibilities during this time. But I also had no money aside from my income at McDonald's. The problem was McD was and still is a s-hit hole. I was embarrassed and insecure about working there but I needed money to pay for college food and after college travel/activities. This let's say would be £50 a week, which would mean a 10 hour shift at McDonald's.

Anyhow, the idea of winning money sitting down at a table seemed easy. Needless to say I was feeling optimistic. During the next few months I would lose a fair amount but nothing serious. I could rely on my Father if need be to support myself (not all the time but occasionally).

After completed my college course I decided to apply to University. I applied for the sake of it rather than having a passion for my chosen subject of study. Over the course of the next year I rarely ever went to University. I would sit in my room and gamble all my earnings away, including my student finance. At the time I had a beautiful girlfriend who due to my depression and addiction I would treat her like ****. I never took her on a real date, showed her much love or even built a relationship. I wanted the dirty every night. I wanted her to show love towards me, a one-way street perhaps.

I didn't last long at McDonald's. I left after roughly 6 months and found a new job - a bartender/waiter at a hotel.

This hotel is rather famous but lacked in security. One of the bar cameras was a fake.
As there was only one member of staff working in the bar at a time (there was about a dozen in the complex) it was very easy to steal.

I would steal a lot of money every night in order to fund my addiction.
A pint was around £5-6 ($8) and I could easily make £100 a night. I was working 2 nights a week (weekends).

I should mention that I was living at University accommodation during this time and had to pay roughly £2k a term. This was provided for by student finance. Each term when my student finance loan would come in I would gamble my accommodation money away. The first term £600 of it, second £1,000 and the last term all of it.

If you hadn't perhaps guessed already this made me very depressed. I would isolate myself, drink every night and gamble. I would blame the world for my problems and would not seek to solve them.

Imagine blowing two grand 4 hours before it was due to be paid and you haven't got the money. In the first two terms I begged the University to help support my addiction and assist with the payments. Miraculously the Uni had
a pot (money) set aside for these things and paid it off. The deal of this would be that I would have to see a professional gambling councilor - I did not go.

At the beginning of the third term haven blown the money I owed the tenants I was kicked out the same day.

My parents also kicked me out of the house and I lived with my friends family for a short period. Which was highly embarrassing.

I have now found a job in a different country, however it is low income.
I still suffer with my addiction. I have a holiday booked to see a girl in a weeks time. But I've blown my travel money and I am ending up having to ask my work for an advance.

I guess I gamble because I cannot see myself escaping poverty and this approach seems easily accessible. But clearly, it's not.

I've shortened this story a lot, if any of you have any questions please
feel free to post below.

Natloose
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Old 05-15-2017, 10:21 PM   #2
walkby
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

Since you've posted this on a poker forum I have a question for you. Is it impossible for you to make a small deposit and start from the very bottom (1 cent / 2 cent)? On a site like PokerStars you can self-enforce these limits using their responsible gaming features making it impossible for you to play higher.

If you literally cannot do this I suggest you self-exclude yourself from every gambling website you know of along with every live establishment you have access to.
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Old 05-16-2017, 04:08 AM   #3
Natloose
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

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Originally Posted by walkby View Post
Since you've posted this on a poker forum I have a question for you. Is it impossible for you to make a small deposit and start from the very bottom (1 cent / 2 cent)? On a site like PokerStars you can self-enforce these limits using their responsible gaming features making it impossible for you to play higher.

If you literally cannot do this I suggest you self-exclude yourself from every gambling website you know of along with every live establishment you have access to.
Ofcourse. I've tried it, but the micro stakes feel like a waste of time.
I have had no consideration for BRM what so ever. I would buy in for £200 and play £50 tables. Possibly knowing that 4x100BB is not enough given variance. It's also a buy in that I couldn't afford to lose and it has effected my gameplay dramatically.

I would also like to sidenote the company I stole from had caught me. But I was fortunately just asked to resign.

Perhaps for the future I will dramatically change my approach towards poker.
I would consider myself good and have a somewhat natural talent. But I tilt easy and would buy in for all I have.

Thanks for the advice.
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Old 05-16-2017, 06:56 AM   #4
jeccross
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

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Originally Posted by Natloose View Post
Perhaps for the future I will dramatically change my approach towards poker.
I would consider myself good and have a somewhat natural talent. But I tilt easy and would buy in for all I have.

Thanks for the advice.
Poker is never going to get you out of this, and it's never going to make you happy.

Also looking for an easy out isn't going to solve your life problems. You need to start fresh where you can, get a job and work your way up the hard way.
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Old 05-16-2017, 08:05 PM   #5
leavesofliberty
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

I hope you lose all your money.
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Old 05-18-2017, 02:12 PM   #6
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

Not sure what you're hoping to hear OP. Sounds like you have some demons and should avoid situations that trigger them.
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Old 05-19-2017, 10:30 AM   #7
Natloose
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

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Not sure what you're hoping to hear OP. Sounds like you have some demons and should avoid situations that trigger them.


You're probably right

Sadly, We all have them


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Old 05-19-2017, 03:58 PM   #8
leavesofliberty
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

I think almost everyone wants this person to quit poker for life in some way shape or form, but there's like 0% chance this person quits before winding up in the gutter, and lol at "we all have demons". I don't invite the comparison and find it somewhat insulting. All gamblers are not like-to-like in the demon category. Also the OP is very self-absorbed in his or her own pain, which is evident in the posting/writing style, which is full of "I"'s. I don't think it has remotely sunk in that the OPs psychological pattern actually inflicts all kinds of pain on other people. I actually feel better about playing for money knowing that I am removing it from potentially dangerous people who are borderline psychopaths who should be separated from their $$$.

I hope this thread opens people's eyes to the possibility that it's okay to gamble within reason, but not okay to be selfish with other people's money. And, that the "born loser" phenomenon is very real.
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Old 05-19-2017, 04:10 PM   #9
Natloose
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

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Originally Posted by leavesofliberty View Post
I think almost everyone wants this person to quit poker for life in some way shape or form, but there's like 0% chance this person quits before winding up in the gutter, and lol at "we all have demons". I don't invite the comparison and find it somewhat insulting. All gamblers are not like-to-like in the demon category. Also the OP is very self-absorbed in his or her own pain, which is evident in the posting/writing style, which is full of "I"'s. I don't think it has remotely sunk in that the OPs psychological pattern actually inflicts all kinds of pain on other people. I actually feel better about playing for money knowing that I am removing it from potentially dangerous people who are borderline psychopaths who should be separated from their $$$.

I hope this thread opens people's eyes to the possibility that it's okay to gamble within reason, but not okay to be selfish with other people's money. And, that the "born loser" phenomenon is very real.
Thank you for your comment.

A psychopath is a person who does not have any emotions, their amygdala is damaged and they copy emotion rather than feel it. If I were a pyschopath I wouldn't even consider making this post. It would be illogical.

I would take a guess that at the time of your comment you had a underlying tone of anger inside of you. Evidently this is shown through your passive aggressive response.
Demons hide within everybody, whether they like to deny it or not.

Have a nice day.
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Old 05-19-2017, 04:14 PM   #10
leavesofliberty
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

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Originally Posted by Natloose View Post
My parents also kicked me out of the house and I lived with my friends family for a short period. Which was highly embarrassing.
It's comments like this that make me wonder how much empathy you have. You do not seem to mind, or care about what you are putting the people around you through. It does not seem to register. I could go through the entire post, but every time it's you victimizing someone, and the emotional response is how it affects your world. You are in my book a borderline psychopath.
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Old 05-19-2017, 04:15 PM   #11
Natloose
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

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Originally Posted by leavesofliberty View Post
It's comments like this that make me wonder how much empathy you have. You do not seem to mind, or care about what you are putting the people around you through. It does not seem to register. I could go through the entire post, but every time it's you victimizing someone, and the emotional response is how it affects your world.
I can take that comment on board.

Please state how I am victimizing those around me
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Old 05-19-2017, 04:17 PM   #12
leavesofliberty
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

The hotel that lacked security, the relationship with the girl which you described as a "one way street", the university that had a treatment plan, but you used the money instead. I mean, I do think you feel a little bad, and know that these things are "wrong", but it seems a little diminished.
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Old 05-19-2017, 04:23 PM   #13
Natloose
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

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Originally Posted by leavesofliberty View Post
The hotel that lacked security, the relationship with the girl which you described as a "one way street", the university that had a treatment plan, but you used the money instead. I mean, I do think you feel a little bad, and know that these things are "wrong", but it seems a little diminished.
Yeah I can see that now.

But there is a big difference between a psychopath and myself.
I spent hours feeling guilty for what I did. But I had such narcissistic
tendencies that I had the inability to see outside of my bubble.
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Old 05-19-2017, 04:34 PM   #14
leavesofliberty
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

Alright, I believe you, now go get some treatment before you repeat the same pattern, and you'll get back to a place where you'll remember what really matters in life. My relationships aren't perfect, and I am on the addiction side, though I am skilled at gambling and win. I can safely say winning at poker ain't all that, and it is far from winning at life. Try to win a life, please.
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Old 05-19-2017, 04:44 PM   #15
Natloose
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

Thank you


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Old 05-20-2017, 03:08 PM   #16
genio27
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

This is really sad, but at least you are self-aware and it's a good step to actually put it out there. Please, seek some professional help. You don't want to end up ruining your entire life.
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Old 05-20-2017, 09:32 PM   #17
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

OP I don't really understand what you're trying to accomplish posting all of this. Although it's probably therapeutic and good to get your thoughts out.

I also pursue gambling/poker as a way to escape poverty so I do relate to what you are saying there. However it's brought me nothing but misery and I often hurt the people around me. If you're gambling above what you can afford to lose and screwing people over, like me, then I would suggest that you give up on gambling. I'm currently attempting to play micro's like 2NL-5NL on a strict bankroll AFTER paying everything off that I owe currently. You've already stated that these stakes are not worth it to you.

BRM is not my strong point so I cannot help you there. And yes 4 shots at 50NL is terrible, terrible BRM. I've done it myself with less than that.

Seek medical help/therapy whatever you need. You do not have to go through life being miserable and depressed all the time. I'd suggest finding something to fill the gambling void... like exercise or Table Tennis. Anything really.

DO something DIFFERENT.
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Old 05-21-2017, 11:38 AM   #18
Natloose
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

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OP I don't really understand what you're trying to accomplish posting all of this. Although it's probably therapeutic and good to get your thoughts out.

I also pursue gambling/poker as a way to escape poverty so I do relate to what you are saying there. However it's brought me nothing but misery and I often hurt the people around me. If you're gambling above what you can afford to lose and screwing people over, like me, then I would suggest that you give up on gambling. I'm currently attempting to play micro's like 2NL-5NL on a strict bankroll AFTER paying everything off that I owe currently. You've already stated that these stakes are not worth it to you.

BRM is not my strong point so I cannot help you there. And yes 4 shots at 50NL is terrible, terrible BRM. I've done it myself with less than that.

Seek medical help/therapy whatever you need. You do not have to go through life being miserable and depressed all the time. I'd suggest finding something to fill the gambling void... like exercise or Table Tennis. Anything really.

DO something DIFFERENT.


Hi there, thank you for your comment!

Its somewhat comforting to know that I'm not the only one. I have attended GA meetings with no success. They're depressing, but one positive is meetings other like myself.

I work six days a week, 9 hours a day.
I run 13k every few days and I'm in pretty good shape.

I don't find much excitement in life.
Even sex is boring after 2 minutes.

I think this is where poker takes its advantage. I have gone long periods without playing but I always succumb.

Like you my BRM is horrific. I just gambled my holiday spending money and had to seek an advance from work (twice). I find other people are saving me from my ****ty situations. I feel a lot of guilt and perhaps worthlessness.
I haven't bought myself clothes or shoes in years or rarely even go out for meals. Maybe once every 3 months.
Money really is everything.




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Old 05-22-2017, 04:59 PM   #19
Ofigella
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Re: My story of Theft, Addiction, Depression and Poker

Dude. Why are you so insecure? I don't know, I came to the USA with no degree, no money, not very good English, but 5 years later I'm a middle class here. I believe that in order to be good at something you must be addicted to it. But use your passion wisely. Study, think, watch, learn... Set aside $ for poker and detach yourself from it. It's not yours, it belongs to the game, those are your bullets, not money for food or college. Set some rules for yourself. Only you can do it.
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