NOT a level, fell free to move thread if to serious forums or w/e
ok im going to be as short as possible and input developments or stuff you might want to know, so feel free to ask ANYTHING relevant to the thread and focusing the way to solve my problems(only intention here i can guarantee) but i will never reveal my identity, not even my close friends will be linked here, cause they might misjudge me and that might affect friendships, also i will probably go deep on some personal issues.
i will try to tell the true all the times knowing that as human being we have defensive mechanisms and we often fool ourselves.
im a 29yr old guy, from Europe, i was educated by my grandmother since birth, my parents split up when i had few months, my mom went to grandma house so i could be taken care while she was at work. i met my father in jail, by age of 5 to 10 i remember visiting him there, sometimes on the working yard because he was behaved inmate. when he got out i went to my other grandparents on weekend so i could visit him and we could go out, i remember him taking me to his friends houses where i could play with their children while they were getting high on heroin. but he would buy me lots of toys (drug money obv) and take me to restaurants and other places, i wouldn't blame him for being a bad father, just a drug addict.
the drug part only started to make some sense for me later after various yelling at home with my grandma, mom and aunt that was also living there, yes i latter figured out both of them were also doing heroin.
well, methadone 'arrived' and soon all they began 'treatment' if u want call it that.
at the time this was nothing for me to worry about, i didn't have clue about drugs, i promised my grandma that i would never touch a cigarette, she was very protective, she raised mom plus 3 aunts/uncles and now she was doing it with me, and for one part she did a great job since i was one of the best school students, however i had non to few friend relationships, it was like being a greenhouse flower, most of the time i spent was at home and i soon turned out as a shy, quiet, silent, naive kid.
she died when i was 13, and then i was on my own, my mother had different standards, she used to say kids that were kept under strict education/control were to came out one day and do all the things they wanted anyway so she basically game free ticket to do whatever i wanted as long i was home before xy hours.
as the years pass by im in high-school, i had 1st gf, i do drugs (hash), got my 1st food delivery job at 15 and pay/buy all my stuff such as bike, motorbike, drivers license, car, clothes, console games, etc.. and at age of 21 after dropping school due to lack of money to go to university im working on that middle salary job i feel prod of getting. i meet new ppl and new drugs and i waste ~5yrs of my live doing cocaine. this was a big bad shift for me. i spewed all the jobs i would get and obv the money. as i climbed out of it on my own i have 27 and i want to recover my live back, i turned down myself, many friends and family and i should have known better about hard drugs. i had nothing, still in living with mom at grandma place, no money, no job, wrong friends, just an ex gf that i had been on/off kinda relationship and seems to still somehow get along with me (most obv cause she didn't knew the truth).
by that time i've started playing poker, and with some luck a guy i met taught me some stuff and in some time i was playing for a living. it was great to learn all the discipline factors that involve this great game, i made 15k 1st year and that is more then decent in the country i live in, its close to double average wage to give an idea. i was so happy that i was finally working for myself and making decent money. by the end of that year i had some disturbing(atm) news: ex gf was pregnant, we both discussed but time for abortion had passed, we weren't even dating then, it was clear for her i didnt wanted this and i had no way to afford for a child, i was still living with my mom and younger brother that is handicapped and they both were unemployed so poker monies were putting most of the food on the table by then. she knew about my family, she knew about the ex-drug-addicted parents i had, and she is from a countryside family that own land among other stuff, she was studying architecture on a close city and her parents afforded for all that she needed.
so i worked my head off and decided i would move with her to a place for us, i was going to move up stakes and with lot work and dedication i would make it work, and i did; we split all house expenses and pre-baby stuff that was needed and others she wanted.
but things weren't so smooth, her younger sister also studies at same university and soon after one month she was spending days and sleeping on the living room couch of our 2 room apartment (one room was used as my office).
it didn't take long for her to move there against my will, 6 months away from baby delivery and we rarely speak to each other. i give away to my lady desire and allow that she moves there, but soon i start having second toughs and warn her it cant work out but its too late, intimacy isn't the same because of her sister and time goes by and instead of bonding we break bonds and by the time baby is born we already had serious arguments, some of them regarding money and my work that she in fact disapproves(even after hours of explanations) creating a bad environment for me to work there and worthless to say all this reflected on my results/performance.
my baby born
and her sister (obv) left, too much crying i guess. but what was supposed to bring us together even tear us apart even more, because we were constantly arguing about past issues and with time i figure this wont work out and i decide to leave. she makes my mind and we agreed to came to my home town (where i was coming once per 2 weeks to be with family/friends), we decide that it would be good for the baby to be close to grandparents besides she had to drive ~80 miles 4 days per week to be at university. we move to a non furnitured house and i have my friends/family over to help decorate and move furniture, plus i have friends over with some regularity and she totally disapproves and complains about that. it took about 2 months for her to leave and i start to feel the pain of not living with my son, i start to lower my dedication/ambition for poker and im lose my bankroll and the ability to put volume mostly due to stop studying the game and improving.
i know all i have to do is to wake up and work out my live to have stability and gather money for the future of my kid and myself but my live its a mess, its 4 months she left and i play on/off for very low periods, i got someone to share the place with but i cant afford it for long if dont start working, all this problems mixed together causes the wrong mindset i need to play. added to this is the fact i dont enjoy going out anymore, im constantly thinking i should be working and im dont deserve to have fun until i fix my life, most of the time im with friends im really not there, it feels like im always thinking/zooming inside my head, this is also bad poker/life balance from the past; my friends and family recognize something is wrong with me but they assume its bad variance from poker.
i acknowledge that most times in my life i turned the table over to my side, im a fighter, i can have anything i want as long as i want it enough to work hard for it, and i have high standards but i also acknowledge that i've fooled myself lot times over foolish stuff and i try not be the perfectionist i was educated to be, think i made all i could and im just human but the real big issue here is that even having a child i dont have much of a will to live, im starting to question myself if its worth it, i try to remember all the good times i had and that means nothing to me cause life sucks and still will till my days are over; i wondered if i had all the things and money i wanted, i wondered if i could be any place, with anybody i wanted, i wondered if i could live the life i wanted, but all these answers seem inaccurate and disappointing to me. in my mind that wouldn't change anything to and im starting to be afraid where my mind will derail to, or if i continues like this soon i'll do something stupid such as kill myself.
off to bed now, so replies only tomorrow
Two Plus Two
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