We only have one life. I am the son of two idiots. I am ugly and people don’t like me. I envision a life that so many people have. As my time passes, though, it gets farther and farther away. I don’t know why I’m here. Girls aren’t interested in me. It sucks when I’m so interested in them. I’m not good at anything. I’m not happy to see people and when I am I feel stupid, smiling with my crooked face. People think I’m an *******, which I’ve never understood because I try so hard to be liked and to be different. My mind is wired different in some way. I am so consciously aware of how much I hate myself and how others feel around me, I shut myself down and just wait until I can be alone again. I am twenty-four-years old and while I know a lot of people share this in common with me, I’m a virgin and have never had a girlfriend. I am white, I think I am good-looking on most days, and am of a slender build. I have been seeing mental health professionals since I was sixteen, diagnosed with major depression, on-and-off antidepressants, and recently was told I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder (mostly the latter) and started on lamictal. Suicidal thoughts and wanting to die are a given and prevalent in my life on most days. For weeks at certain times, I was absolutely convinced I had Asperger’s syndrome or was mentally ******ed and that just no one was telling me. My life is ridden with failure. I dropped out of high school but made up for it with a GED. I graduated from a community college with a transfer associate’s degree and am for the second time attending university with a grade point average of less than two. I have worked four minimum-wage fast food jobs and quit all of them for all sorts of reasons, like not liking the area or the people or was just wanting to do something different. I like Taylor Swift. I hate that I do and her type of music but I do. I am a sheep. Join a club. Be more active. Maybe I should follow this advice more. I like writing, like fiction, but I really only have this one idea that I’m obsessed with because I really like the characters that I’ve created because they’re people I feel I could really get along with even though they’re complete *******s, like me. I hate most people. I hate them because they don’t hate themselves as much as I hate myself and that there’s so much they should hate about themselves that they don’t. I don’t care if they secretly do because they don’t show it. Happiness always pisses me off because it’s always temporary. Sometimes I feel the universe created me just so that it can perceive itself because without me the world would just be a black void. I don’t have a purpose in life unless that purpose is to experience this hopelessness. There’s this girl, Eva Beyer, or hot math girl. I love her name. I love her body. If only she knew how I felt about her. I don’t know how I could be part of her life. I’m signing off.

Most people who are more evolved have problems like u. Just viewing ur honesty leaves u at higher grounds then most. I think ur torned between adjusting to others and being different which is normal because most adjust completely to what is expected of them and nobody knows why, well thats just the system and most obey it. This is basicly what every pokerplayer doesnt want. Being a virgin is no big deal. U can watch the rsd vids on youtube for example. Im not saying i stand fully behind it but they have good concepts to get out of social isolation and gettin girls. All of the teachers were "losers" just like you.

Give up your ego is great advice. I definitely have much leas of an ego now than I used to and I'm definitely happier than I used to be. Hopefully one day I will succeed in having no ego at all and then I shall be happier still.

OP, why do you feel it necessary for you to hate anything about yourself, or for others to hate anything about themselves?

Sure we all have things we could improve about ourselves but hating them won't improve them, so what's the point?

I'm not saying you are perfect. I'm saying find a realistic and constructive way to change the things about yourself you don't like, instead of just hating them forever.

And Miss_Lonely_Hearts, you've been posting the same negative thoughts and feelings for months on end now. I think it safe to say anyone still reading your thread at this point cares about you. As much as they care about themselves and their loved ones? No, but that would be an absurd expectation.

At the end of the day though, yeah it is on you. It's on each of us to take care of ourselves, that's right.

No one can truly help you, if you aren't willing to help yourself.

No one can make you feel happy, if you aren't willing to be happy.

No one can make you feel loved, if you aren't willing to first love yourself.

You can't get rid of your ego. The best you can do is to get it to work for you, instead of against you.

Perhaps what I'm feeling then is more a happiness of the soul, rather than a standard emotional happiness. I definitely do look at and accept things as they are much more than I used to, so I guess that is a sign I have made progress in defeating my ego.

How do you think another person could help you by the way? So far it seems like you won't really listen to anything they suggest you do. If you just want people to listen to your rants and that's it, that's fine, it's a healthy enough form of release I suppose. If you want actual help from people you'll have to listen to their suggestions at some point. I'm not saying listen to everyone, but someone. That's if you're actually looking for help, if you're just looking for a forum to vent, well then I guess just keep doing as you've been doing is good enough.

@ OP
read here some more. Have a look in OOT. There are plenty of how-to's get a girl for beginners threads there. And it is a LOT more common not to have a girlfriend at 24 than the mass media suggests. So try to relax with that. Your time will come. I would say 80% of people here have been in the same place like you are now. Most of them do get better. For some way to better is long: see MLH. Many of your problems get resolved with age.

With this hate for others..... It gets resolved, when you start to feel more secure in your own skin.

Cool that you got your college degree. I think it is a total success. I think it is also really good that you have some professionals, who monitor your state. But you still have some work to do by yourself. You can't expect them to resolve all your problems.

Have you tried to get more intensive into sports? You can do it on your own, you don't have to be social for that, being more athletic makes you more attractive for girls, and I find that it stabilizes how I feel about myself.

Total number of people that are better at being you than you................... 0.
You are who you are. Enjoy the fact that it's you, with all the good, and all the bad.

You get out of your ego by going somewhere else. There are many people who are badly off who need your help. Focus on their needs. You won't have time for your own, but will find massive satisfaction and will be naturally very happy with yourself because of that outward motion of your self.
I got on the train the other day. A woman and 2 kids got on and sat in front of me. The boy (bout 16) was in front of me. His face was all over the place. Like massively deformed. Way beyond John Merrick. Life must be very hard for him. People stare, laugh, point, shun. Yet I suppose...he has arms, legs, an otherwise healthy body, that many do not. Always others in some way worse off. Many are beautiful on the outside yet torn to pieces on the inside, through personality disorders, eating disorders, grief, anxiety. My ex was extraordinarily beautiful, but many times, simply could not eat. It tore her life apart. Everyone has some sort of pain, some big hole in their lives. But there are always many worse off, who would give anything to have some of the things that you have, that they never will. Be grateful, and go out and help.

Bad Beat

Sent from my SCH-I545 using 2+2 Forums

Hi there,

Sorry to hear that there's so many things effecting you, and particularly aspects about yourself that you feel so negatively about.

A lot of what you said conveys self - worthlessness, and a real sense that you have no control over either your feelings, or yourself as a person more generally as well.

You mention a few things that will be relate-able to a lot of people. Anxst around self - image and having a romantic partner to name just two. Anyone who has 'survived' their twenties will have some thoughts about this, some stories of their own. One thing will be more important than the other from each person to the next.

However some people feel a lot worse about life in a way that is not so common, and it can cause a lot of hurt early in life that will go on to effect their future. I'm not going to pretend I know how it is for you, what you should do ect because that would be foolish and wrong. However if your a doctor or health care professional has suggested BPS then this does help put a lot of what you mention into context (i.e. your unstable self image and your sense that people do not like you).

I reread your post and cannot help but notice how certain you sometimes are about what others think / feel about you. When you say 'girls aren't interested in me....?' What things do you see girls do that make you feel this way?

Got to say though, personally I feel very certain that you're doing one of the most vital things, which is getting professional help. 16 - 24 is a long time though and I literally have no idea what that has entailed for you, what that been like. - What help do you get these days aside from the medication?

Nearly the first thing you said was that you 'are the son of two idiots?' Do you still live with these people / are you close to them? I wonder what you think about this and whether it's important to you.

Anyway perhaps you already feel better after posting, and that would be good

All the best.

Have you ever tried psychedelic drugs? Such as psilocybin or auhiwaska? With your attitude and outlook on life a spiritual or drastic change needs to take place. Hallucinogens can bring this out and give you a different perspective on life. One friend to another, peace.

just re read my post and wanted to make it clear what 'your sense that people don't like' meant.

want to make it abundantly clear that I mean YOUR literal own senses / ideas of what peopke think of you. I have no idea what other people do actually think of you, that would be weird if I somehow did lol

cheers

drugs are bad, m'kay

I wouldn't be so sure about that, Gary.


Most of them are "professional" only in the sense that they get paid. As soon as you become functional/happy/whatever-you-want-to-call-it, they lose you as a revenue stream. Ditto for when you die; that is the real reason they try to talk you out of suicide. The simple fact is that they have a financial interest in keeping you as a patient. Moreover, a physician friend told me that the medical school students that she knew who went into psychiatry did so to straighten their own problems out.

You have some classic ACA symptoms including coming down hard on yourself. Don't judge this book strictly by its title. You don't even have to buy it; you can check it out on your feet at a bookstore:

http://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children.../dp/1558741127

(...If that link got removed, the book is Adult Children of Alcoholics by Janet Woititz.)

Look at it this way: if I'm completely 100% wrong about this, then you've only tried one more thing and it didn't cost you much.

(To put it in nice words, I strongly disagree with the advice to try psychedelic drugs. Talk about taking a wrong turn. Sheesh.)

Your friend is wrong, for the most part. Sure, it's likely true sometimes, but it really just isn't a general truth. I say this as a psychiatrist, so I've met a lot more psychiatrists than your friend has. And even if your friend were correct, how does that play into your point? Just seems like a pointless jab.

As for the beginning of your paragraph, that's also just laughably inaccurate. There's way more than enough psychiatric patients to go around, so there's no need to keep any one as a patient. On the whole, mental health professionals actually care about people doing well due to them being empathetic human beings, not due to financial reasons.

i think he may be a perfect candidate for auhiwaska.

Also sir, you're young. 24 years old, i got some time on you but its imperative to find something to occupy your brain with.

When im at the gym, with every press, goes the negativity that saturates my soul. i come out feeling better.

I then feel ****ty again, but whatever limits the **** i suppose, is a win.

Good luck bud.

I'm not saying willy nilly go do drugs, but do some research and read about it, not all drugs are bad. The drugs you receive day in and day out by a psychiatrist are the ones you need to be worried about. At least that's my experience

m'kay - no not all drugs are bad. there are studies that suggest specifically mdma and psilocycbin have potential therapeutic benefits when used in an appropriate setting / in conjunction with other methods.

but yeah 'willy nilly go do drugs' is bad, m'kay. suggesting this powerful substance or maybe that brain melter from southern thai ain't good, because;

a) one has to source the substance, and if not from southern thai this means trips to the ghetto and meeting up with thieves and bandits.

b) even if sourced there is the problem of purity.

c) the personal safety risks can go on and on......

i keep thinking and I could probably lap the alphabet.

it is a shame that some substances have have not been more widely researched. personally i've tried psilocycbin a number of times and found it be both terrifically frightening and awe inspiring. i've seen some people say and do some pretty crazy stuff after taking it.

i would want someone who I trusted and knew about these things with me if I decided ever to take it again.

never seen a psychiatrist for myself in a 'professional' way but i don't believe as a general rule that HCPs individually peddle their patients drugs for personal gain. ofc market forces are a factor but not in this way. ofc that is where im from, and I get that it's different from place to place and from institution to institution.

this just randomly popped into my head, great read; David Nutt 'drugs without the hot air'
i'd suggest a flick through that OP if your interested in this side of things.

The point is: don't expect mental health professionals to get you well. (This is more aimed at "counselors" and "therapists" than bona fide psychiatrists.)

No point in arguing that one in the absence of hard statistics but I consider it, as you say, laughably inaccurate.

John, what do you think the median income of a therapist is? It's not exactly the sort of field to go into in order to make money.

I found something to agree with you on.

At best, you can get "random stranger sees someone in distress and demonstrates that humans have empathy towards strangers" online. It is a nice little drug to see that random strangers will show empathy a little bit, but it isn't ever going solve any problems.

Probably worth trying once (just once!) to see how the whole "I complain on the internet" thing goes, but it isn't something that one should make a habit of.

With hindsight, I am not surprised that you turn out to be a psychiatrist. Your posts have a certain professionalism (sp?) that I should have recognized.

OP, there's been alot of people in the world like you and many of them have climbed out from where they were and built happy lives for themselves. You are not alone and you can do it too. I can empathize with you. When i was 24 i lived in a concrete basement with my parents and had a part time job at Wal Mart. Go figure girls didn't like me and my life was headed nowhere. I don't have a direct answer for you on how to solve where you're at in life. The most important thing is to NOT want to be where you're at now. Be sick of it. Want better for yourself. Wake up one day, have enough of it, and you will start doing something about it. It sounds like you're close to this point. It's gonna take you alot of work, but for all you know you may be married, have a kid (that you wanted) on the way, and be pulling in $50k-$100k a year five years down the road. I certainly can't promise anything but what I do know is that you have to hit a point where you want that and to be happy moreso than your negative feelings right now. Once you're sick of feeling that way you won't change overnight but the process will begin. If nothing else, look at it this way: You seem to want more deep down or you wouldn't be posting on here, so what do you have to lose? Try anything and everything. Pour everything you've got into it. I wish you luck.

OP I suffer from similar things, I was fortunate to step outside myself and do some of the things the right way. I've always had trouble keeping jobs past the 1.5- 2 yr in my early- mid twenties and at 30 , im just graduating college now. I still am very hard on myself. I think you are a bit deeper than I was but I remember 24 was tough. My expectations were constantly being thwarted by my reality- I think this is where most depression lies. I'm not sure if this helps, but make those expectations of personal or professional achievement goals rather than expectations. The happy people will be happy, sometimes it's ignorance, sometimes it's because they really do have a balanced life. People like you, and I can arguably say me, maybe on slightly less severe level, just have a tougher road in that respect. Our feelings give us a great degree of empathy, a read on certain situations if you will, that other ppl don't have. You're very self aware OP and things can get better, but you have to do something that you know you will be proud off, a coding workshop, a hike up a notorious mountain, something that gives you experience even if you don't feel like doing it. Exercise cognitive dissonance. You'll find that these things open up new perspective in the strangest way. Be careful with the psychiatric medication, maybe try some cannibus in a very small temporary dose to see how it works for you. The fact you like Taylor swift is great , it means you do like something and you're capable of passion - if possible find an activity that feeds that .