To her credit, my gf has been reading up on gambling addiction to better understand my poker avocation. To this point (~1 year) she's been open to accepting that it's a controlled, profitable hobby that I enjoy in moderation. I took one intentional 5-week break to demonstrate to both her and me that I could find other ways to fill my time.

What seems to have her worried now is that the gambling addiction folks ask some vague, unqualified question, "Do you ever find yourself gambling for higher stakes?" Obviously what they're referring to is responding compulsively to a loss by trying to "win it back" immediately. But she's taking this to mean that because I'd rather play higher stakes games in locale X than lower stakes games in locale Y, that means that it's a problem. By the way, this questionnaire

[Upon further review.... she sent me the PDF she was referring to from SAMHSA.gov and it lists several points from the DSM-5, whereas she referred to a two-question questionnaire. So, we need to talk this out further. Fortunately we have a good relationship and can discuss things openly.]

If you read the Gamblers Anonymous questionnaire, many of the questions are written so that even the most disciplined +EV poker player in history would show signs of problem gambling. "Did you ever gamble longer than you'd planned?" "Were you ever reluctant to use 'gambling money' for normal expenditures?"

Ahh.... I see the problem. She overlooked the part that I've put in bold.

1. Have you ever smashed a screen or other computer equipment while playing poker?

2. Have you ever peed in a bottle or voided your bowels at a final table rather than miss a hand?

3. Have you ever played 14+ hours straight?

4. Have you learnt to make a sandwich and a cup of coffee in a different room while 20-tabling without missing a beat?


If you answered yes to most of these then you are an accomplished professional poker player!

If you answered no, seek help, you have a gambling problem.

OP,

What games do you play? Are you a winner? Over what sample size? Do you record your results? Ect...

I say dump the girlfriend and play higher stakes, and take up sports-betting, black-jack, craps, slot-machines, o and bingo, can't go without bingo.

Also do you work for a bank?

Why are you posting this thread? If you can't explain to your GF how and why you're profitable at gambling then you're likely not. If you can then you don't need our help.
If you can explain it but she doesn't understand, then show her results. My GF is a well-paid professional, and it took a while for her to understand. But if you can live off it comfortably for a substantial period of time then all arguments disappear.

OP don't be a submissive life donk please.
Your girlfriend should worry about her occupation not yours.
If you were married to her, you could give her a voting right in meddling in your business i guess.
Man up and stand for what you believe in.

It's a human nature to have addictive tendencies, it's how we are hardwired there's no escaping it for anyone.
The only thing that matters is... do you beat the game long term.

Lol

100% this.

this relationship sounds like a hell of a lot of fun......

Thanks for the replies. Poker is still way less important to me than a healthy relationship (I realize I might be in the minority here and that's fine). This discussion has helped me become aware of some areas that may need investigation to see if this relationship is actually healthy.

I think the problem is in regards to what you're defining as a healthy relationship.

If you had a hobby of brewing beer, and she went to an AA meeting to learn more about your hobby, would she really gain any insights into it? She went to Gamblers Anonymous to learn more about your hobby. Do you see the parallels?

If your significant other said they liked to cook, would going to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting give you better insight on what their hobby is all about?

My post was harsh but if it left even a little bit of echo and let you evaluate her motivations it was for the best.
I don't know your girlfriend but I know women.
This issue isn't only about poker.

It looks more like she is trying to mold you into a person she is more comfortable hanging out with and is doing it in a typical non-confrontantional manipulative woman-like fashion.
She clearly hates poker and instead of trying to understand and research the activity her bf enjoys she is researching only the negative stuff and trying to convince you to give it up.

I could be wrong but I've seen and lived through issues like this too many times so the sample size is in a favor of me being right.

Either way, it doesn't hurt to confront her and ask her to be honest about her views of poker, that's a good starting point.

As you may know from another thread on this page, I am the wife of a winning player and we've had our struggles. One thing our marriage counselor told us was addictions are only a problem if they adversely affect us-whether it's health, work, relationships, etc. It might be worth asking her if she has any specific concerns. And if this is a serious relationship, a counselor might be a good person to talk to as well.

Also, I'd be happy to give her my personal e-mail if she wants to chat with another women. (Not only am I a poker widow, I have a lot of experience with 12 step programs)

Could you elaborate on what struggles you had to overcome based on your s.o.'s poker profession?

I have a thread on this page (which I think you've commented on) that lists the situation in more detail. I'm happy to answer more questions/elaborate, I don't want to hijack this thread.

I kind of suspect poker players get this a lot. My friend Bill the Analyst finds it stunning that I don't have a gambling problem. I've talked theory at length with him, I've shown him my numbers but he's still all like "naaaaah I dunno I'm not sure I believe it."

Poker isn't gambling but ya know I don't fault gamblers. If your idea of fun is to go blow fifty bucks on slots on a Friday night, how is that any different than me blowing 50 bucks on dinner and drinks? If, at the end of the night, we both got 50 bucks of utility out of the deal, what's the difference?

I woke up one day and asked myself why I was spending so damn much money on golf. My wife sure was happy when I gave up my country club membership. Up until that point I was sucking some 300 bucks a month out of the family economy. Nowadays I like playing poker, and I contribute some six grand a year to the family economy. Think she gives me a hard time? Nope.

I dig my wife, she is empathetic and she has faith in me. She figures I'm smart enough to know the difference between a positive expectation game and a negative expectation game, and she is 100% certain that I would not knowingly play the latter. Although she will. She's a fine video poker player, and I have no doubt she is ahead over time, if you count the value of free alcohol involved. But that's a different story I guess.

My personal experience here, your SO is probably different, but for what it's worth, I've been married 10 years, and in that time I've certainly had my moments where gambling has been an issue in the relationship, and almost all of the time the main issue is the dishonesty. We're in a much better place now and I gamble as much (or more) than ever, but I'm always very clear upfront what I'm doing, how much I'm taking to Vegas/local casino/home poker game, or putting in play in DFS, and will let her know how it went good or bad.

It sounds idyllic, but it took a lot of time to get there. In this time she has also found some gambling opportunities that she enjoys (mostly sports betting and video poker) and I always inquire about what she has in play and what teams she's on and whatnot, so it's something that we're doing and enjoying together.

Because of that common ground I find that I no longer go into prolonged degen-y slumps because I know that I have someone else I need to answer to and have a commitment to that honesty. Again, not idyllic, I've certainly had some testy downswings, but all in all having a positive supportive relationship and still being able to partake in a hobby that I enjoy keeps everything copacetic.

Fact is, is that a healthy relationship cannot last if one person is dictating what the other person can or can't do. People aren't wired to change that much without some level of resentment, but you can adjust and evolve and mature, and your relationship will be healthier for it.