After another rough week I've had a seriously hard Sunday. My anxiety has been bad the past week or 2, my head feels weird and I don't think I'm genuinely feeling too well. I know most of it is due to my Sunday-hangover-blues, but nevertheless I can't keep thinking I can just do whatever I want to and not give a rats ass.
I think I kinda "relapsed" a bit when I failed the exam, things were going sorta fine but it hit me a bit, I feel like I can deal with it, and it might be nothing but it's like I started falling back into some of the same old patterns as before, which sucks ass, because things were looking up. But I've thought a lot today, I've struggled and I feel like I am ready to once again try to get back on my feet. I want to start meditating, I want to eat healthier and most importantly just be responsible with bills and money - it makes me feel miserable that I can't manage my own life even when I kinda have it all set for me. If I were more responsible and motivated I don't doubt for a second I'd be on top of the world - and it beats me down that I just can't seem to live up to my potential. I always promise myself to go do this or that, then I never get it done, and then when I have some of my hangover-existential crisisses I get knocked completely down. There are so many things I should simply just get done - clean my apartment, avoid eating junkfood, cut back on cigarettes (at least so it's responsible economically), eat healthier and get my act together. Just the days I work out and cook my own dinner makes me feel a lot better about myself - it's really just the smalls things, if I can be responsible and deal with it I feel so much better about myself at the end of it.
I'm setting myself some goals for this week, and I'll try to make it manageable: I want to eat food I cook myself, not spending too much on buying stuff from the nearby sandwich bar. I need to check out some furniture for my apartment, I want a nice chair from a second hand store and just get on top of things. Furthermore there's a book I have to read by Wednesday in my study group, and I really don't want to disappoint them (but mostly myself, honestly) so I'll try to do my best there as well.
Just stepping up and making minor adjustments regarding financial problems, being responsible and staying healthier and keeping a healthier mindset by meditating a little bit, I want to build some healthy habits that can hopefully stay with me and help me monitor my life, and it's going to take an effort and knowing myself well I know I'm gonna disappoint myself, but I still gotta try and just keep on keeping on etc. I believe in me
Lots of love