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Old 12-08-2016, 06:58 PM   #1
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SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

This blog will serve as a kind of therapy for myself. Both the quality and quantity of content will vary greatly from entry to entry. Updates will be sporadic as I do not want to feel compelled to write. If you like what I write for whatever reason and enjoy reading it, that's great. If you don't then that's fine too.

I'll start off with a couple of entries from my offline blog and go from there.
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Old 12-08-2016, 07:14 PM   #2
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

Despite being born and raised in America up to the age of 24 (I'm 31 now), visiting America is like visiting a foreign country to me. There are little things about American culture that kind of throw me off since I've been away. Due to previous negative experiences in China, I look both ways on one-way streets and momentarily hesitate before crossing the street at a crosswalk despite knowing that I have the right of way. When dining in America, I order my full meal the first time I'm asked even if I don't know exactly what I want because asking for more time to order in Spain almost guarantees that you'll be waiting an additional 30 minutes just to see the waitress let alone get her attention.

I say to people that I go to America once a year but the truth is that I've been to three different countries that occupy the same exact land over the course of three years: America 2013, America 2014 and America 2015. Year after year, America changes in ways that people who live there simply don't notice the way I do. It must happen to them so slowly that it doesn't register as an actual change. But when I come back to see my family and friends, I see a year's worth of changes all at the same time. Most of the changes are little ones of no great significance when looked at in a vacuum. For example, there were fewer cash toll booths before going over a nearby bridge in 2015 than in 2014. Hardly a major change, but still something noticeable. It then makes me wonder how that change is reflected upon much larger pieces of infrastructure. How many cash lanes now exist in front of the Verrazano Bridge? Or even more interestingly, how much more does it cost this year to cross the Verrazano than last year despite the bridge still looking exactly the same as it did 20 years ago? How much will the toll have to increase before people start swimming across The Narrows instead of using the bridge?

Of course, other changes are more obvious. When I went back to America from China during the summer of 2013, the aftereffects of Hurricane Sandy were still visible in some areas of New York City. The area was still off-limits due to the aftermath of the storm but I know somewhere in there, parts of my mother's house were strewn about the area.

In two weeks, I will be leaving Europe for America to see my family for the holidays and I am more curious than ever to find out what America 2016 will be like. I can see general representations of my country's changes through the news and the attitudes of American citizens expressed in both social and mainstream media. However, I will soon get a firsthand view on what has changed with my family's surroundings. I am both excited to see my family and nervous about seeing what has changed. Hopefully, the bridges still have cash lanes.
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Old 12-08-2016, 09:08 PM   #3
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

I like it already now and am curious about you.
In Russia you have also to be very careful in the streets despite having the right of a way.
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Old 12-09-2016, 10:29 AM   #4
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

I see it. It moves from room to room and from place to place spreading happiness wherever it goes. Its presence makes both people and animals go wild. Even the plants seem to grow faster at the mere sight of it. It represents everything I want now and ever will want for the rest of my life.

But for some reason, it avoids me constantly. It weaves around the room at breakneck speeds while leaving me in the corner to stew. Suddenly, it stops in front of me. It stands barely out of my reach. I try to step forward attempting to interact with it but something is holding me back. I check for chains but see nothing. I move my legs but my feet are bound. I attempt to take off my shoes to no avail. I swing away at what may or may not be there holding me back but cannot seem to destroy the illusory obstacles.

It is at this time I realize that it is not physical chains holding me back but rather the chains within my mind that prevent me from moving forward. As hard as I've tried, I cannot overcome the walls that exist within my brain. Time and time again, I attempt to ascend what appear to be limitless walls to reach my goal. Each time, I give out while making my escape. I continue to try but fail worse each time as my strength slowly fades away, leaving me impotent and incapable of conquering the obstacles that lay in my path.

One day, I had enough. Years of failure have built up like water against a dam just looking for the path of least resistance to break open the wall. Without warning, a slight crack appears and daylight shines through. Ecstatic at the slightest glimmer of hope, I am afforded I break through.

"I have been liberated!", I think to myself as the barriers are no longer an issue. I move forward with purpose, seeking that which once could not be sought. Within seconds, the light disappears and I'm left in darkness. I know not where to go because what I once saw is no more. Only darkness remains.

I wake up in a cold sweat. For a brief moment, I feel relief because I'm no longer in that world but am quickly overwhelmed with sadness knowing that even in my dreams I cannot achieve that which I aspire to do.
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Old 12-14-2016, 08:50 PM   #5
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

I sometimes wonder if life would be better if I didn't think and just acted exclusively on instinct.

There's almost certainly some appeal to living a life devoid of introspection and curiosity. I see stupid people all the time and they appear to be relatively happy with themselves. I'm unsure if it's the Dunning-Kruger effect at work or if they genuinely do live better, simpler lives by not thinking.

I would like to be dumb just for 24 hours to see what it's like. I'm not talking mentally retarded. That seems pretty ****ty. I'm talking stupidity like that scene in Clerks where some guy gets his hand stuck in a Pringles jar. That kind of stupid.

How sweet it appears to be. How sweet.
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Old 12-14-2016, 11:59 PM   #6
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

Put in my 2 weeks last Friday. Leaving Spain (probably) for good in 8 days.

2016 was a horrible year both objectively and personally for too many reasons to count. If I live with my mom and go on the dole for all of 2017, it would be only slightly worse than 2016 for me.

Initially, I was morally and ethically conflicted with my decision to leave the school I teach at and breaking my rental contract midway through. Unlike most people who teach English here, my job was actually good. I got paid more than the norm at my position and had a really good schedule of classes. But I'd rather somebody who is happy living in Spain take the job than take my dissatisfaction with my current life into work everyday. I covered the latter conflict by finding a replacement (my only friend in Spain and current roommate who was having trouble finding a flat) to take over the monthly payments. Not sure how that will work legally, but I'm sure the landlord would prefer an immediate replacement than lose cash while getting a real estate agency to find a new buyer.

I will not miss Spain as a whole. I never really fit in with any social circle since I don't enjoy clubbing and partying like most Spanish people. Nerd culture is practically non-existent among fellow expats and despite being outwardly warm and friendly, Spaniards are very difficult for me to rely on and befriend. As a result, I don't have a whole lot of friends here and the only reason I didn't leave before the summer was that I didn't want to go back to America while still recovering from a broken collarbone + grade 3 separated shoulder. Had physical therapy paid for through workman's comp in Spain to take advantage of but once that was done, there was no reason for me to stay.

Nothing to gain, nothing to lose for me. From my point of view, if you're continually looking into the future, then you don't want to be in the present. But if I don't act on it, then you'll always be looking and never doing. It's time for another page in my life. Right now it's blank and I need to think of something to fill it with.

I am experiencing a wide range of emotions but I know that this is the right move. There's a whole lot of unpredictability going into 2017 and it is both exciting and horrifying. I'll use my time in New York to right myself and be an idiot tourist in order to kill time while waiting to get my passport renewed.
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Old 12-17-2016, 07:29 PM   #7
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

You ever listen to a song and think that it was written about you?

I mean I know that some young girls think that their favorite heartthrob is writing songs to them by keeping them vague enough to apply to just about any girl who listens. But I'm talking a song that is specific in its detail that yet applies to your life almost perfectly.

Right now, I'm listening to "The Unforgiven" by Metallica. It's about his troubled childhood. While my childhood wasn't as harsh as his, some of the lyrics are ones that I can relate to closely.

Quote:
They dedicate their lives
To running all of his
He tries to please them all
This bitter man he is
Throughout his life the same
He's battled constantly
This fight he cannot win
A tired man they see no longer cares
The old man then prepares
To die regretfully
That old man here is me
There's no question that I lost out a lot in life as a child. Part of it is certainly my fault. I could have done more to be my own man and push to do what I wanted to do. Epilepsy unfortunately prevented me from enjoying certain elements in life that I wanted to take part in as well. But there's no doubt that my parents attempted to fit me in a box I never wanted to fit in. I know they thought they were doing what they taught was right. After all, they were raised that way and they turned out okay. So it would clearly be good for me as well. I don't hold it against them because they did it out of love for me rather than a selfish desire to get me to conform and become the son they always wanted.

For a time, I bent myself in and forced myself to stay there for their approval. But it could only hold me for so long before I busted out. I could see my parents struggling to adjust their views in an attempt to maintain their love for me. I contemplated suicide during my teenage years and though I had planned it out on multiple times, but never worked up the courage to do it. They adjusted their views properly and that saved my life. I no longer felt as though I was a failure in their eyes for not being what they wanted me to be. They accepted me and I lived with that.

My dad dying suddenly was the turning point in my life (actually in my entire family's). He was the one who supported my desire to travel while my mother wanted me to stay home with her. She likely figured that I would come home and stay there after my dad's death. He wanted me to travel and now he wasn't there. She knew she had me in America.

But I think I responded differently from what she expected. My father's death occurred out of nowhere while I was in South Korea enjoying when Seoul had to offer. I had a teaching contract to finish and did so but then returned home to help my mother cope with his death. She lived in the countryside and needed a man to do man things that my father did.

(In hindsight, I actually regretted going back to finish my contract as dealing with the emotional toll of his death led to a dramatic drop in my teaching performance in which I basically stopped teaching and played games. I should have been with my family from that point on instead of going back and embarrassing myself.)

It was while I was home that I realized that I could not stay in America. My father stayed in America, worked for his family and squirreled away money to use for retirement. Then he keeled over and died out of nowhere, the result of anaphylaxis due to venom from many bee stings while mowing a lawn. What good was that money saved for him? Do I really want to live my life that way: always planning for the future while not thinking about the present?

I decided to retire early and take on the responsibilities my father took on afterwards. Do the stuff I want to do while young rather than being old, looking back on a youth spent slaving away 5 days on, 2 days off again and again before taking a lethal dose of Seconal and ending it all.

But I'm not sure if I want those responsibilities. I'm supposed to want them. I'm supposed to fit in by having a family, a full-time job and living on a cul-de-sac. I'd like to live such in a way that if I die young (my father and paternal grandfather both died before 60), I don't leave a wife and kids behind to fend for themselves. I cannot think of a worse fate for a family.
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Old 12-17-2016, 08:45 PM   #8
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

Man I really ****ed up my grammar here. Dammit.
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Old 12-19-2016, 08:36 PM   #9
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

"When you're born in this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks. And I'm a notebook kind of guy. "Oh, my God, did you see that? Did you see what he just did?..." And I watch the freak show, and I kept my notes, and I make up stuff about it, and I talk about the freaks. And the freaks are all humans, and they are all like me, and we are all the same. I'm not better, I'm not different, I'm just apart now. I'm separate, I'm over here, because I put myself out of the mix. I don't have a stake at the outcome. I'm not a cheerleader for a given outcome now."

-George Carlin

To be honest, I don't give that much of a **** that Donald Trump won. It has no direct impact on my life. No politician has ever thought about overseas American citizens when voting on a bill. No Presidential candidate has ever campaigned on a promise to make lives better for the American diaspora. We don't factor into any decision-making in any way. We are nothing more than an afterthought if we are a thought at all.

I care in the abstract. I care because I am a representative of the actions of my countrymen (and women) when I live outside of the country. Anytime somebody in America does something massively stupid, I am the one that has to answer for it like I'm the person that did it. Not my fault that millions of Americans are stupid. I mean I get the curiosity because America is so different when compared to the rest of the western world and there aren't a whole lot of American citizens in Europe. It's that one question that you have to ask while you have a chance to ask it. Normally, I don't mind briefly answering it and I'll have a respectful conversation related to the topic if I feel that something will come of it.

But sometimes there's an accusatory tone when they speak that's a bit off-putting. It's as though they have made up their mind on how much of an idiot you are in advance. So you're basically pissing up a rope with these people. Even if you agree with their political views (which I do most of the time given my leftist views), they'll take time out of their day to talk about how much your country ****ed up in the past and pin it on you. This attitude seems almost exclusive to people from Scandinavian countries. I suppose they have the moral high ground because they haven't invaded a continent of indigenous people for personal gain in the last 100 years or so. So, they can get away with it while people from other countries cannot due to their own sordid history.

Sigh.
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Old 12-22-2016, 10:02 AM   #10
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

I'm off to America tomorrow morning. Almost done packing.

Gotta be honest. I'm more nervous traveling in/out of my home country than any other country I've been to.
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Old 12-26-2016, 03:19 PM   #11
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

Avoided getting harassed by airport security (yay for being white) on the way back to the states.

Kind of strange that they exercise a sense of humor though. I mean we can't crack jokes about them but they can about us. The last thing I want to deal with is humor at airport security. I'm tired, disoriented, and stressed out. I don't even notice their jokes until about 5 minutes after they're told. They don't even make sense to me. They just come off as annoying ****s more than anything else. I mean I know they didn't grow up wanting to check passports for a living and probably need humor to keep themselves from committing suicide out of boredom but I'm just not in the mood.

I can't make jokes because it seems to me that the rules for CBP checks change every single time. Last year, they took me in for secondary questioning but never explained why. I just answered the questions honestly (benign questions wondering where I went and what I was doing etc) and they let me go. I went in assuming that they would do exactly the same and was a bit obsessive about it but nothing happened. Perhaps it was a random check or something like that.

Thankfully, I'm mostly over the cough that has been causing me problems for the last week or so. Nice to be recovered from all that. Jet lag is a bit of a bitch when crossing 7 time zones, but aside from daytime fatigue, I'm pretty good after just a couple of days.

Probably gonna stay in America for a few weeks and then it's time for the Epic European Vacation!

Last edited by SuperUberBob; 12-26-2016 at 03:26 PM.
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Old 12-27-2016, 05:59 PM   #12
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

Quote:
No politician has ever thought about overseas American citizens when voting on a bill.
Not entirely true. They cared enough to pass a law that says US citizens living elsewhere are required to pay income tax lol.
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Old 12-29-2016, 01:19 AM   #13
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

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Originally Posted by krunic View Post
Not entirely true. They cared enough to pass a law that says US citizens living elsewhere are required to pay income tax lol.
Yeah the US and Eritrea are the only two countries that tax people based on citizenship rather than where they live.

Anyway, not a whole lot of overseas citizens pay taxes to the US because they pay taxes in the country they live in and if that country has a tax treaty with the US, then there's no double taxation.
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Old 12-31-2016, 12:29 AM   #14
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

Starting to feel the pressure to settle and have kids from my family.

It's more for their selfish desires than what I want. They don't want to keep telling their friends that they have a son with no desire to have kids and a minimal desire for a long-term relationship. I probably should just start answering questions like those by telling those who ask to go **** themselves.

They should know me by now. I don't really listen to anybody when all is said and done. If I did, I wouldn't have left America. I'd be working 40+ hours a week at a job I don't particularly like, forced into a marriage I didn't want with kids I didn't want if I did what my family wanted me to do.

Apparently, there's this lifestyle somebody brought up that's similar to this called MGTOW. I never heard of it myself but I researched and most of them appear to be MRAs who think a woman's sole goal in life is to **** over men by marrying them and getting half their stuff. Kind of sucks that my lifestyle is being associated with that because I don't hate women. I just hate the idea of being legally bound to somebody until I die. That's a long ****ing time to be with one person. Kids also seem to be unbearably difficult to raise and a waste of time if you aren't going to give it your all when bringing life into this world.

Such is the nature of one with wanderlust. It's a solitary life that doesn't lend to long-term friendships and relationships. It's a selfish life where I seek to fulfill my individual desires rather than make sacrifices for the sake of others. It is, ultimately, a life I enjoy.
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Old 01-23-2017, 06:08 PM   #15
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperUberBob View Post
I sometimes wonder if life would be better if I didn't think and just acted exclusively on instinct.

There's almost certainly some appeal to living a life devoid of introspection and curiosity. I see stupid people all the time and they appear to be relatively happy with themselves. I'm unsure if it's the Dunning-Kruger effect at work or if they genuinely do live better, simpler lives by not thinking.

I would like to be dumb just for 24 hours to see what it's like. I'm not talking mentally retarded. That seems pretty ****ty. I'm talking stupidity like that scene in Clerks where some guy gets his hand stuck in a Pringles jar. That kind of stupid.

How sweet it appears to be. How sweet.
presence.off mind.
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Old 01-23-2017, 06:13 PM   #16
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

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Originally Posted by SuperUberBob View Post
Starting to feel the pressure to settle and have kids from my family.

It's more for their selfish desires than what I want. They don't want to keep telling their friends that they have a son with no desire to have kids and a minimal desire for a long-term relationship. I probably should just start answering questions like those by telling those who ask to go **** themselves.

They should know me by now. I don't really listen to anybody when all is said and done. If I did, I wouldn't have left America. I'd be working 40+ hours a week at a job I don't particularly like, forced into a marriage I didn't want with kids I didn't want if I did what my family wanted me to do.

Apparently, there's this lifestyle somebody brought up that's similar to this called MGTOW. I never heard of it myself but I researched and most of them appear to be MRAs who think a woman's sole goal in life is to **** over men by marrying them and getting half their stuff. Kind of sucks that my lifestyle is being associated with that because I don't hate women. I just hate the idea of being legally bound to somebody until I die. That's a long ****ing time to be with one person. Kids also seem to be unbearably difficult to raise and a waste of time if you aren't going to give it your all when bringing life into this world.

Such is the nature of one with wanderlust. It's a solitary life that doesn't lend to long-term friendships and relationships. It's a selfish life where I seek to fulfill my individual desires rather than make sacrifices for the sake of others. It is, ultimately, a life I enjoy.
walk your path. trust your instinct.it's the mind that will try and fool you
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Old 01-23-2017, 08:03 PM   #17
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperUberBob View Post
I see it. It moves from room to room and from place to place spreading happiness wherever it goes. Its presence makes both people and animals go wild. Even the plants seem to grow faster at the mere sight of it. It represents everything I want now and ever will want for the rest of my life.

But for some reason, it avoids me constantly. It weaves around the room at breakneck speeds while leaving me in the corner to stew. Suddenly, it stops in front of me. It stands barely out of my reach. I try to step forward attempting to interact with it but something is holding me back. I check for chains but see nothing. I move my legs but my feet are bound. I attempt to take off my shoes to no avail. I swing away at what may or may not be there holding me back but cannot seem to destroy the illusory obstacles.

It is at this time I realize that it is not physical chains holding me back but rather the chains within my mind that prevent me from moving forward. As hard as I've tried, I cannot overcome the walls that exist within my brain. Time and time again, I attempt to ascend what appear to be limitless walls to reach my goal. Each time, I give out while making my escape. I continue to try but fail worse each time as my strength slowly fades away, leaving me impotent and incapable of conquering the obstacles that lay in my path.

One day, I had enough. Years of failure have built up like water against a dam just looking for the path of least resistance to break open the wall. Without warning, a slight crack appears and daylight shines through. Ecstatic at the slightest glimmer of hope, I am afforded I break through.

"I have been liberated!", I think to myself as the barriers are no longer an issue. I move forward with purpose, seeking that which once could not be sought. Within seconds, the light disappears and I'm left in darkness. I know not where to go because what I once saw is no more. Only darkness remains.

I wake up in a cold sweat. For a brief moment, I feel relief because I'm no longer in that world but am quickly overwhelmed with sadness knowing that even in my dreams I cannot achieve that which I aspire to do.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SuperUberBob View Post
Such is the nature of one with wanderlust. It's a solitary life that doesn't lend to long-term friendships and relationships. It's a selfish life where I seek to fulfill my individual desires rather than make sacrifices for the sake of others. It is, ultimately, a life I enjoy.
I don't know that I believe the bolded given the post quoted.
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Old 01-24-2017, 02:42 AM   #18
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

I'm not here to convince anybody of anything. You are free to believe what you want.

My writing represents my emotional state at the time that I am writing. Sometimes I feel sad (as in the first entry you quoted). Other times, I rethink my life and feel happy (as in the second). Writing it out allows me to sort myself out and put things in order. Hence why it's called writing therapy.

Since leaving Spain, my life has definitely shifted away from the depression that had been bubbling up in the past. Now that I'm on the move, things are always new and I am far more optimistic which is why I've been writing less frequently in my blog.

Last edited by SuperUberBob; 01-24-2017 at 02:52 AM.
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Old 01-24-2017, 02:46 PM   #19
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

Sorry, my post wasn't meant to be rude. I should have written a bit more. I just thought it was an interesting contrast. The writing style in the first post gives it quite a bit of gravitas, while the 2nd post is more... casual? So I'm thinking, is the first post more reflective of how he actually feels while the 2nd is a bit of self denial? Or is the first more dramatic than reality, and the 2nd post is more real?
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Old 01-25-2017, 04:17 PM   #20
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Re: SuperUberBlog: Self-Awareness and Development Through Writing Therapy

The latter.
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