So quit.

You seem to realize how absurd the man-made world is, yet you still live by its rules. It's not the only world there is.

The best move is the quit. I'm afraid to so do because I don't know what I do for another job, where to live, or where the next meal would come from.

Robin,

I'm one of the 2% on this site that enjoys your blog. Keep up the fight, and keep posting. Realize your personal Legend.

The monkey is reaching
For the moon in the water.
Until death overtakes him
He'll never give up.
If he'd let go the branch and
Disappear in the deep pool,
The whole world would shine
With dazzling pureness.

- Hakuin

One day a young Buddhist on his journey home came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier. Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The young Buddhist yells over to the teacher, “Oh wise one, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river”?

The teacher ponders for a moment looks up and down the river and yells back,

I think the question that I always ask myself which is "What is the meaning to my life?" or "What should I do with my live?" is a Zen Koan.

Over the last few months I have done a number of drugs and by the far the best drug was ecstasy, 1 hit and I was dancing all night to this **** www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziH2yE3NdO4.

Did some meth as well not as great IMO combined with drinking and taking blue pills was a sex crazed frenzy few nights with my current partner who is a professional drag artist. Don't think I could ever be addicted to meth or ecstasy.

It certainly breaks up work.

a stranger and afraid in a world it never made.

Thats why I hate it, i never asked to be here so it is immediately a burden. because you have to act somehow.

what is there good about life? I like to masterbate and eat choc............okay so thats it right there. The highest of the high. thats the dream that we search for. to eat good food and have sex.

this is were you give the whole world a round of applause.

*clap clap*

for being utterly stupid.

I think you are like me because you wouldn't hate the world if you wanted something, but there is nothing to be gained. its just you. there is just this empty space, this nothing, this void, this slience and I observe, nothing happens and moment to moment, nothing happends. just here watching, watching nothing but I got a front row seat to this thing, didn't want to be here but here I f***ing am.

and then you got to act because you have this thing inside of you that has stupid need to survive YOU MUST LIVE ON. You got to keep going through this utter bs where nothing happens. not good or bad, not anything. just a boring must live existence. now you get out there and do something to keep living because this thing wont die, so pick a job, so now we have this tremendous effort of hard work in order to get absolutely nothing of value. so you watch you observe everyone else running around chasing money, and you see how big their ego is. their sense of pride and when you see this game, you know deep in your f***ing bones that you want nothing to do with it. it is beyond absurd. to keep living in ordering to do things you hate, so that you can stay alive to keep doing things you hate. which is stupid. BUT YOU MUST LIVE ON!

Keep job and keep with zen, if you are interested.
From practical perspective, zen is worth zero dollars, so you will need some income. Also zen without real meditation cannot be real zen.
If you don´t know how to do it, you need teacher.
In any other case is zen only your excuse for depart from your life.
(Btw.I read some story how some monk was refused by teacher and he cuts his hand off to show his interest, but in your cat story you didn´t cut your hand off, did you?)

I don't see how you can ever be happy if you hate everything and everyone with such intensity. You use the word hate so often.

The highest of the high is not eating good food and having sex. The highest of the high is eliminating suffering. Grasping for good food and sex will cause more, not less suffering.

I find it odd when you say everyone has or has had a dream at some point. Why must there be something? I see no reason that I must of had one.

I went to school because I was told to go to school, I had no desire to go to school but I did what I was told and worked hard and did whatever the teacher told me to do.

At no point was I ever asked "do you enjoy these things at school?" no I hated it. But I worked hard at whatever the subject was because of fear of punishment and obedience to authority. It was never explained to me that I was to enjoy these things and potential end up doing a certain subject as a career when I left school. All I knew was to work hard and to do what I'm told. It never dawned of me to actually have a thought for myself, my own way of doing things in fear of upsetting the teacher or getting into trouble. In other words I was quiet and just tagged along with the group have no personality or original idea for myself.

so when you say that I must have had a dream when you were younger I find that such an odd statement. Because I never learnt at school to express such an idea in fact if anything the opposite, just sit there and do as your told.

is working an addiction?

working life is pretty boring, think about suicide far too often. i think working is a big trap, i find it hard to believe that this is the best system we can come up with. was watching Christopher Hitchens talking about the purpose of life, he says for himself it is gloating over the misfortune of overs, and crowing over the misery of others and then he talks about sex and a clear run to the grave. i wonder if many people gloated over him when he had cancer or when he died. Thats the best that Christopher could come with up what surprises me most is i wonder why he didn't just commit suicide since I see no point in just living to gloat over the misfortune of others seems like a complete pointless, waste and stupid life. maybe he wasnt so smart after all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YU3mEOw1gRQ

Nihilism is at times extremely attractive to me, but yet I currently have no intention of ever walking in front of a bus. I spend my days hanging onto the rope bridge dividing these two seas.

Please keep posting.

Also, that non-awkward applause break after Hitchens' comment pretty much sums up general humanity right now.

Re: "Is working an addiction?"

Absolutely, if it is carried out with the main purpose of repressing how you really feel.

another day at work done, i can't remember what i did but i'm sure i got a lot of work done.

heres my going to bed music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3jBpU2NE_w

I avoid people like the plague they have nothing but problems that they seem to pull you into. I try my best to help them out just so I can get rid of them. I have so much hate inside me I just do not like living.

What is it that I really feel?........when it comes down to it, I don't know what the optimal strategy to life is.............I guess its comes down if I want to commit suicide or not.

Thank you for your words which have stimulated many good ideas, and introducing me to Alan Watts.

Life is a choice but I have usually avoided suicide because it seems irreversible. Surrounded by circum-stances, there always seems to be something else to change to improve love and live instead.

Why do you believe there is nothing? If you died and were reborn with a totally new life, would you hate it?

I'm not very smart nor do I have many talents. My social life is not very good and I have little money. It feels like I have to be a part of life even though I don't want to.

Halloween last night and a few kids were doing trick or treat. I give them a few sweets other than that I played chess and went to bed early.

Right now I'm stuck at work, I think I will buy 50 lotto tickets this weekend, normally I don't do lotto because its a scam and a sucker play (like life) but I don't spend my money on anything (because I think everything sucks and is a waste time) so its ironic that I'm doing the lotto because even if I win what the hell would I do with money?

I think that I have given up on life, my spirit is broken. Everything seems like a drag. ramble ramble, moan moan....etc...etc...zzzzzzzzzzzz

there is nothing to me as a person. can't think of what to write but I know that I am here. man is neither god or beast but something in between. a man may reach for greater things, always failing as the idea of myself is a constant act to maintain the constant version of myself when I am neither my ego nor myself. but I am here.

a shadow of man, whos space and time is only but a glance into the dust. and wonders what might be. to be experience the experience to listen to the sound.

This is the most morbidly interesting blog.

3 things

you have a mind
you have a body
you have a soul

i don't know what a soul is. the burden of proof is on you.

how do i find my passion in life?