Part 1: Genius is that we don't know how it's done:

I live in a quiet place, where any sound at night means something is about to happen. You come awake fast - thinking, what does that mean? Usually nothing. But sometimes.....It's hard to adjust to the city life where the night is full of sounds, all of them routinely random. Cars, horns, footsteps, shouting......no way to relax. To make it worse the night is as hot as hell and my poker buddy is in the bathroom, just another ugly refugee from the 70's love generation, some doom-switched degenerate who couldn't handle the swings. He's never accepted the idea that you can get a lot higher without gambling and putting it on all the line. Bingo Bob what a legend, twice divorced, couple of kids, a history of bad jobs but still living the high life.

I knew a guy once, a former gambling guru who later claimed to have made the jump from the tables to preternatural consciousness. I stopped by one afternoon with the notion of asking him what sort of advice he might have for a junkie like myself looking for his next fix with a healthy curiosity of Zen? He looked at me as if I had two heads and eventually he came around to say ""The head of a dead cat." and with that he closed the door. The head of a dead cat? I thought, well what the hell does that mean? Ever since he told me I've been fascinated with dead cats and I'm pretty sure that's not healthy and I'm sure that's not the point. Last I heard he drifted his way to join a mountain monastery in the far east, I wonder if there's many dead cats there.

I heard the creaking bathroom door swing open from behind me and the groans from Bingo Bob "How are you feeling now" I asked him, "How do you think I feel?........I feel terrible" he snapped back. I don't know why I asked him I knew exactly how he felt I've been there many times before and there isn't any words to describe the feeling, losing your bankroll brings you right down to earth with a BANG. The realisation of the stable boring 9-5 job might be a safer bet next time and it is for a while then you start building a roll again and soon your back at the tables check-raising stupid tourists and taking huge pots off of them stacks and towers of chips you can't even see over. Playing all-night no-limit Hold'em at the Taj, where the sand turns to gold but in this case for my friend here it turned into quick sand and he was sinking fast. The whole trip has been a nightmare what a fiasco last night was, apparently I can't tell the difference between a woman and a man dressed up in drag I blame the full pack of corona beer and the half bottle of Jack, thankfully I realised my mistake before it got messy.

"We have a few days to turn it around" trying to at least give the guy a glimmer of hope, that's all it takes...........hope that and one buy-in. "Yeah........you're right" he perked while he counted the remainder of whatever cash was left in his wallet.

Part 1 Cont:

I knew I had to get out of there before things got out of control the whole scene was bad for me and I had lost my taste for the roll coaster ride that was poker. I had a hintergedanke that I inspired to search for greater things. Its time to move on.

I took the next plane to Cuba. I heard there was a master chess player by name of Rodriguez somewhere in Havana and thats all I had to go on. Found myself in this cocktail bar drinking Mojitos with the locals and there just happened to be a chess game going outside. The cool sea air tempted me out to go and have a look. A crowd had gathered around this small 3ft by 3f old wooden table. Black had pushed a pawn up, white took, and then a deep long pause, nothing happened........for what seemed forever, then black moved Qf2 pinning the knight to the King and at a slow pace then went back and forth making calculated and deliberate moves to out smart the other. I looked across to the white player who looked clean cut and well dressed wearing black bottle glasses and a red dickie bow he stood out from everyone else as something special, he was in deep thought but his actions looked very spontaneous. In contrast to the black player, he looked like a man ready to fight - literally- he reminded me of an old Soviet cossack, big guy with a overgrown viking mustache and bald head. His demeanor at the table was very aggressive when he moved his piece it was like small mini nukes hitting the chess board with fine accuracy.

They were down to a few pieces and black had the advantage. I noticed there was side betting going on and I needed cash and I thought what would Bingo Bob do? I handed my last 300 Peso to the bookie and I told him "white to win in 7".....he wrote it down, give me a crumpled up piece of paper and I downed the last of the Mojito and pulled up a seat just behind white. White made the move I hoped he would which was...........

14th August 2013: 14:36

Was reading "An Introduction to Zen Buddhism by D. T. Suzuki, very interesting so far. Will read more later. At work now detailing up a School House.

18th August 2013: 21:25

I want this thread to be a positive one on myself but I find writing hard to due lack of real world experience, not very good at English and I'm not very creative. How do I get out of this depressive state of mind that I find myself more often these days. Trying to think of reason why I should go to work in the morning but I see no reason to other than the money which keeps me alive but why I do continue to live and I have no idea. It is an empty life and I don't know what to do about because I don't want anything.

I feel like the world is a trap and a complete waste of time. I'm all for working hard but you hard work for no apparent reason, other than to work so that you can live another day just for another day to work, like where is the sense in that. It is also doesn't help if you hate the job you are in. So the situation is like Alan Watts said is to keep on going to do things I hate so that I can keep on living to do things I hate which is stupid.

[/QUOTE]

Alan Watts - God, Atheism, Goo, Suicide

20th August 2013: 11:02


An Introduction to Zen Buddhism Page 63-64, by D. T. Suzuki,

21st August 2013: 16:27

Another day of work coming to a close and then I get to live another day to do it all again. Reality is not a symbol, reality is not an idea, it can't be expressed into words its ..."BANG"...........the here and now. How do you look at the world and not form an opinion or an idea about what you see? Rather just see, watch and observe. Look without without thought.

I'm probably a drag to be around right now just as well I don't have a lot of friends so I won't infect them with my misery.

27th August 2013: 22:10

My iPod just broke. Won't turn on, won't connect so I have no way of accessing the music stored on it, what a waste!

29th August 2013: 15:34

Not sure how to really start this my story won't come with a lot of bells and whistles. I don't think everyone will understand, its not me that they have to understand I'm normal like everyone else but it is the situation that I now find myself in.

I have two brothers when I was growing up me and my older brother would play silly games together, he is almost 2 years older than me. Not much to say there really, very standard. I have a younger brother who is almost 9 years younger than me.

I was bullied in primary school got beat up a few times by a group of young boys who later would become friends with in high school. Not sure why they picked on me, but in any case I forgive them but at the time I felt very hurt by it and kept my head down doing with whatever the teacher told me to do, not that I really wanted to do it but the teacher is in charge and I got to do what they tell me to do. Already I see the situation developing, at a place I do not want to be, doing things that I do not want to do, and what can I do about it? make the best of it, keep working hard, got to earn that grade that I don't give a sh** about because it doesn't matter to me, but it matters to my teachers because they have to do their job, it matters to my mum and dad because they want to see me doing well.

I never had a favourite subject at school, thats because I didn't view school that way, it was something that had to be done, if the teacher told you to do something, you better well do it. Who are these people that have authority over me? Do I not get a say? Of course I do thats if I want to face consequence and thats no choice at all, its like picking between a bad apple and a really bad apple. So what have I learned so far, to obey authority, to work hard (for what I have no idea but working hard seems to be the motto) and to avoid danger/trouble. Thats the problem with schools they are not designed to inspire creativity they try and teach everyone with the same brush, and hence you get a conveyor belt of mindless zombies competing for pointless grades and gratification so that one day in the distant future you might get that goody you have been "working hard" for.

I was an average student and not much changed in high school, I didn't get bullied and made friends with everyone but not close friends I was the jack of all trades I could float in and out with the cool kids, the geeks, the footballers, whoever. The trick is to talk about whatever is they are interested in and just listen and instant friend. Nothing much happened in high school other than to reinforce the ideas that I already had, that is to obey authority and to work hard.

Now it was time for college, still chasing that goody (whatever it is) and I had to pick a set of skills so that I can go out into the real world and get a real job. Sorry but I'm not interested in that but if I have to do, and if thats what the society wants me to do then I have to obey and work hard.

Not knowing what to pick I cut out the courses and put them into a hat and I picked one at random, turns out in was engineering so i went along and it was boring but I did my best and worked really hard and got my diploma. Then I went on to do, CAD skills, business A level, construction/built environment studies and having a job in a fast food joint. I then passed my driving test and got a job in joinery designing doors and frames and providing a cutting list for joiners. Turns out I wasn't very good at it because I no idea what I was drawing, I could use the software to draw but the actually thing I was drawing I didn't have a clue about. Needless to say I didn't like it very much and when I asked for help to show me what it was I was supposed to be doing sometimes they would help other times they didn't. I didn't care about the job I only cared about the money and paying bills. I didn't make any friends there and was glad to leave.

At high school I picked art at random there the teacher gives us the freedom to pick whatever to draw, create, design a piece of artwork. I had no idea, not a clue what to do it was a 4hr exam I think and I had left a blank page for her to mark, it was unclear in what to do. Design or create something, well what is that something teacher? I asked her, its up to you she replied, nope I said your not getting off that easy, you are asking me to do something, forcing yourself on me, the onus is on you to provide the criteria, you make the judgement by marking what I have done, so in order for me to obtain a good grade I need to know what you like, what is it that you want me to do on this page?

I'm reading An Introduction to Zen Buddhism and I have no idea what its about, not really enjoying but I'm forcing myself to enjoy it. Not sure how. I have no idea what life is about, not really enjoying but forcing myself to enjoy it. Not sure how.

I have done all that society has asked of me, I have been good, no police record, I pay my bills, I pay my taxes, I work and contribute to society. I'm nice to people, I say please and thank you, recently I give some money to charity, I give some coupons to random people on the street after I seen a show........all I know is I hate life, I hate people, I hate the fact that on some random internet forum talking about this.

I'm smart enough to know how stupid I am, and I'm smart enough to know that I should commit suicide. There is no optimal strategy to life, life is just whatever it is. A trap.

I don't know what fun is anymore, I know its not money, or playing poker or going out on dates.

Your body certainly may be a trap of something interstellar, but that doesn't mean you won't die of simple arrogance.



I wish I had something better for you, as you may roll your eyes at impossibilities.

My body is a trap it is constantly failing and breaking down and soon to not work anymore. But more than my body is a trap. The whole world is a trap and I can't believe that people don't see it. They actually want to do this?

I suppose. It's usually when I'm depressed that I spend time sitting on my porch. And when it starts raining, I feel like God! And before it rains I watch and play with the bugs and animals (in my mind of course!) and find a piece of comfort examining lesser beings strive for life.

Here is the problem,

I'm a insignificant little dot on a dieing rock planet orbiting a ball of hot gas, where my actions don't mean anything, where I don't get a say in anything, most of what I do say gets unnoticed, or gets drowned out by others, whatever is heard nothing happens. My decisions dont matter in the long run and also my decisions are insignificant and small in matter, that my views are worthless, that my actions dont get noticed or that they matter.

To compete with others for resources in a hostile environment. An environment with no feelings, it is just as harsh as man is. To enter a social moral contract, which I had no say in but in order to survive coerced into the belief that is best for all. To join the idea of the rat race in order to obtain much needed food to go on living to do things I hate so that I can go on living, that is to say to keep living to do things I hate. Which is stupid.

To find something of value in the absurd. To somehow make sense of a random universe.

and people want to do this?

the thing is we actually do have a say

I don't know what to do with my life that's because I never asked for it.

I never had a say in anything, give me an example of what you mean?

Little excites me nowadays. I have seen it all before, maybe thats why I give up poker, that and I suck at it.

I got a lot work done at my job this week. But who cares about that crap, god awful hell hole I hope it burns in hell, along with anyone who worked there.

so roll on monday ****ing morning/

you should probably find someone capable of holding a conversation if u want to chat, but, you're not nearly as helpless as u make yourself out to be, that's all.

I'm the only person who would want to talk to me, that and I'm the only person who makes sense to me. Everybody else is ****ing nuts.

**** I hate working at this place. I don't know what to say anymore, I don't know what to feel anymore.

So my affirmation today is,

I'm going to enjoy today, I'm going to enjoy this moment.