I don't think I am actually crazy but I don't think I am particularly happy or well adjusted either.

I'm not sure why I am writing this blog and if anyone cares enough or is bored enough to read it, thanks. So I guess, the reason why I feel crazy is because I am utterly bored with life. I find myself alienated and disillusioned and unable to find happiness in anything. I am in an unhappy marriage, I am pushing 40, I hate my job, I have no friends and I am miserable.

I feel like I have not lived at all. I have a very boring job. I basically sit in front of a computer all day (10-11 hours a day) Monday-Saturday and listen to audio files all day and log them for litigation purposes. I am an attorney working near Wall Street in Manhattan and I make over $100k a year and that is my job. Glamorous, isn't it?

I would like to leave my wife because we fight all of the time. I resent the fact that she does not work and has neglected her career. She says that she cannot find a job in her field (developmental psych). She has been out of work for over 10 years and doesn't have a PhD and no one will hire her. She says she can only get a minimum wage job. So we are always broke. 100k a year for a family of five in NY is not a lot of money. She never has a home cooked meal for me, she rarely does any house work and we rarely have sex. In fact I sleep alone on the couch. I choose to do so. I prefer to sleep alone. She does not protest.

The reason I do not leave my wife and this miserable marriage is because where will I go? Where will she go? The kids? Yes, we have kids. I love them. But I suck at being a parent. I am not around for them because I work over 60 hours a week and on my one day off, I'd rather stay home and rest. Besides, on the occasions that we do take family road trips, they end up in screaming matches between me and the Mrs., kids are unhappy, no one enjoys the day out.

If I had a magic wand what would I like my life to be? I would like to get a divorce and live on my own, I would like my wife to get a job and be able to help to support herself and our children. I would like to open a solo practice and work for myself. I would like some cool friends that I can talk to and spend time with. (It is really hard for guys to make new friends past a certain age.)

So in sum: I hate my life. I am miserable.

Whadda ya think?

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xSZbbTjM0Es&feature=kp

So, I'm thinking of heading in to AC after work tomorrow and seeing if I can turn $300 into $3000. If I do, I will hop on a Greyhound at Port Authority and make the trip. That is why I don't go to AC anymore. I am sick of the bus ride, waiting for the bus. I will probably just go to a bar and drink boilermakers by myself and get quietly blitzed go home order a pie (pizza) and pass out in front of the tv watching Pawn Stars or something.

Wake up on Sunday. Play some video games with my son. If he wants. Sometimes wife will grab the kids and go to her mom's. That's where I buy a case of beer and watch old music videos on you tube and post random comments. Drink and jerk around till I pass out and then wake up Monday and go to the tomb known as my workstation at my office.

God, I sound so depressing. Sorry. But I am being honest. The truth is ugly and uncomfortable.

Any plans for the weekend?
How was your weekend?

I know my colleagues are just making polite conversation but I really hate these questions. I dread them. When I used to care I would make up a lie. Now I don't. I DGAF anymore. While they invariably tell me about the cool new restaurant they went to or the show or movie they saw or how they just got back from the Caribbean or a ski trip or whatever...I will respond like..."me? Oh nothing, just hang out and do stuff around the house." They never get the hint. They keep asking. I guess they just want to brag about the cool **** they do. They don't really care about me.

I guess I just need a hobby.

That hobby used to be poker. But I find myself playing less and less frequently. I haven't played in months. I was never a pro or anything. Never that good. Break even or a small winner. Better than BJ or craps playing. I started playing during law school around 1999. Pre-Moneymaker. I've been lurking this forum since way back in the day. Even after playing all that time. I usually still play low stakes. I remember playing 1/2 NLHE with Vanessa Selbst a few years ago at the Taj. She was not a known player at the time. I guess she was just starting out. I was better than her at that point. I remember that she smelled really nice. Which if anyone has played all night at the Taj you will know how this would stand out.

I miss the old days of poker before the boom. I remember walking past Scotty Nguyen, Huck Seed and a bunch of the other big name players and no one gave them a second look. I knew who they were. I knew Scotty was a WSOP champ. But I'd be damned if I would be star struck by him or any other big pro. They were just another player trying to win my money. It's funny how now you see people taking pictures and getting autographs from these guys and seeing them as "heroes". That is why I miss the old days and not just in poker. But it seems like things were more chill and authentic back in the day. I miss that.

God, I sound like an old man. I am only 39. But I guess that is not that young.

I didn't intend to title this blog similarly to Mad Max'LV's fine blog. I do not wish to step on anyone's toes. I just realized this. I am willing to change it.

I just had the Iron Maiden song of the same name in my head today. I also have this haunting melody in my head...sorry for the random emo musings.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4N3N1MlvVc4

Lol, my first reaction was that this was a parody blog or something. I don't have a problem brother, look forward to reading more.

Thanks, MMLV. I really appreciate it.

I am not sure what the protocol is for posting repeated entries. I feel like just doing a stream of conscious style and I anticipate that I will make multiple posts in a short time span. I will keep doing this until told not to. If it is bad form or annoying to do it this way please let me know.

Feels Like Old Times

- New York City has a liberal mayor again.(Bill De Blasio after many years of Bloomberg and Rudy Giuliani)

- A northeast winter was actually cold and snowy (Cold, snowy winters after many mild ones)

- Russia is the bad guy again! (Tensions in Ukraine).

Feels like the 80s again!

One thing I really wish would make a comeback is chicks leaving hair on their region. I do not like the totally shaved look and find it rather disturbing looking. Hey, if you wanna trim along the bikini line that's fine but leave a little rough patch here and there. A sand trap always makes the play a bit more fun. (Not sure WTF I'm talking about)

Okay it is 5:30 on a Friday and all over town people are starting their weekend. Not me, man! I work another 3 plus hours PLUS I come in to the office again tomorrow!

Where did it all go wrong?

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=gXNhL4J_S00&feature=kp

I'm 40 with no friends and I'm not very happy with my life either (my blog here - update coming soon), but when I compare the pathetic lonely nowhere of my personal surroundings to what you've posted here, man am I glad to be single! It sounds like you've already convinced yourself that you need to divorce your wife before you can move forward on any other front, but you also know it's going to be an extremely painful process and that makes you hesitant to proceed. If I'm way off, sorry, just a stranger on the internet posting ****. But being trapped in a loveless marriage to a woman you don't even like anymore sounds like the kind of thing that could suck all the joy out of life. Do whatever it takes to get out imo.

Have you thought about divorce from a strategic point of view? As in, what moves could you make now (before you initiate divorce proceedings or mention anything about divorce to your wife) that would put you in the best possible position in court? In particular since you hate your job anyway, would it be advantageous to quit now and maybe take a lower paying job before you file for divorce, to keep the alimony payments to a minimum? I'm just throwing some ideas out there and I have no experience with any of this, so obviously consult an attorney, but I'm pretty sure that's where my mind would be going if I was in your spot. Trying to get your wife to do anything (like take a job, or whatever else you want her to do) sounds like a complete waste of energy given the nature of the non-relationship you've described.

I have read your blog. It actually inspired me to write this. You are right that my situation is worse. Consider yourself lucky to not be stuck in a bad marriage like I am. You have a clean slate.

Whenever I talk to my wife about divorcing she lays a guilt trip on me and says the kids would be devasted and I just want to have a bachelor pad and "party with floozies." But I worry about the kids and especially with her not having a job, I will not be able to afford living on my own and paying to support her and the kids. Simply said, it is cheaper to keep her.

I don't really feel good about things. My drinking has increased over the years to the point that I need to be buzzed to have any sort of happiness. I know it is a totally ****ed up way to live.

Thanks for reading. And I apologize for the depressing tone of my posts but it does help a bit to write about it and commiserate online with strangers.

Depressing or not, if it helps definitely keep doing it, thanks for sharing, your honesty/openness is refreshing.

I'm about as far from being an expert on relationships as one could imagine, but your relationship with your wife sounds really unhealthy. You avoid each other at home, or you have screaming matches, and instead of doing anything at all to address your marital problems she sucks you in with a guilt trip. Where the guilt trip is basically her imagining how you might start enjoying life if she wasn't around. She wants nothing to do with you (except to spend your money), but she'd be really upset if you were out having fun with someone else, therefore she has to keep you around so you can both be miserable together. Surely there's some way out of this hell? And I don't think leaving would be selfish either, seems like you'd be doing everyone concerned a favor if the two of you weren't stuck living under the same roof. Growing up in such a toxic environment must be horrible for the kids.

It sucks that you have to stay with her because the alternative would be financially ruinous. But if it really is a choice between staying married and being miserable (and hitting the sauce just to dull the pain), or getting divorced and going broke, I think you should seriously consider that second option. Easy for me to say since I'm not faced with these choices. Or if you really can't get divorced, how about separation?

I recently saw a youtube video on divorce and the family courts in America though, and it sounds like a complete nightmare: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3YA6u4ttN0

fwiw, thank you for posting this. Got my MBA from a top school, aaaand the day I graduated I started travelling and playing poker - been 3 years now. I was terrified I would end up in a, dare I say typical - situation like yours.

Besides a well-deserved vacation, it probably sounds insane but honestly I recommend ayahuasca as the first thing that snaps to mind. I'm not sure if there are places in the states that offer this, I'm currently in Peru and in the jungle here there are many centers that offer shamans to help guide you through the experience/awakening. Other alternative therapies like meditation, NLP, hypnosis, sedona method, yoga - are probably more within your realm of being deemed acceptable.

That's all I have for advice, but really just wanted to say thank you for the honesty and the confirmation. Who knows I may end up in the same spot as you in 10 years, but I would have at least travelled the world, which for some reason seems important to me.

When the kids move out, sell the house, move to jersey, commute to work, save 50k+ per year for a couple years - and go travel yourself. Maybe with your wife to rekindle what was once there in a less demanding environment for the both of you where you can refocus some of your energy into the relationship.

please note that I have little idea what I am talking about, but best wishes to you and your family.

Thanks, Steve. You are totally right. I feel stuck in a situation that I know is unhealthy. I try to make the best of it and focus on the positives. And yes, it is not all doom and gloom. We will have occasional nights where we go see a show and have a nice meal and we genuinely have a good time.

Even though, I think I would be happier apart from my wife I just don't see it as economically feasible unless she had her own stream of income. I really don't want to live with a roommate or with my parents at my age. My buddy went through a divorce last year and he went from living in a nice house on Long Island to living with his 65 year old mom in an apartment in Queens. The wife kept the Long Island house and is living there with another guy. My buddy is suicidal. It is really nuts!

Thanks for the words boliver! I am glad you got something out of it. I am a person that did the "right thing"....went to school and became a lawyer. The proverbial American dream for many! But I have found that the reality is a lot different from what I thought it would be. Much of it stems from the fact that we got married really young. And basically lived together right after graduating college. Basically my marriage is a relic of the 1950s. My wife has abandoned her career due to...I don't know, laziness? bad luck? missed opportunities? or whatever. It kind of feels like she lacks any motivation and is content to just sit at home. But the fact that she does not bring in an income puts a big financial strain on our family. I have had years where I made close to $150k but it still wasn't enough. I've given up on bringing up the topic with her. It makes me really angry to think about how hard I work and all of the hours and money that I've invested on pursuing my career and yet the least she could do is keep a tidy home and have a home cooked meal waiting for me after a long day. But that doesn't happen. I come home to dishes in the sink and toys all over the place. It pisses me off and I get angry at the situation and then it becomes me being an ******* for yelling at her about it.

I have heard Graham Hancock on the Joe Rogan podcast talk about his Ayuhuasca experience and frankly it doesn't sound like something I would want to do. Too intense! But I get it, man.

Best of luck to you!

Nice thread, and nice taste in music : ) Very best of luck to OP and Steve and bolivar.



The melody makers, Tears for Fears

Thanks for sharing your story thus far, OP.

The wife sounds like a nightmare scenario. I would highly consider stashing enough cash to disappear forever. It does not seem like there is any sort of clean break possible.

I work with a guy who is in a similar situation. He is in his late 40s with two post-college age kids. He got divorced from his wife 5 years or so ago but they still live in the same house. His rationale? "Who would take her? I can't put her on the street".

Thanks guys for taking the time to read this and responding. It has been surprisingly cathartic to write about my feelings. It feels good to kvetch (I'm not Jewish but I love Yiddish words ). So thanks for indulging me!

I must say, just writing has caused me to reflect on why I am so unhappy and at the risk of sounding new-agey, much of it has to do with the way I perceive my reality. I took some time to quietly meditate the other day and kind of forced myself to be happy. As strange as it may sound, it worked! Maybe I am just going through a manic phase right now but I do feel a lot better.

I got a haircut and an old fashioned straight razor shave yesterday morning. I felt like a million bucks afterwards. If you've never gotten one, I highly recommend getting an old fashioned straight razor shave from a barber. It worked for Mike McD and Worm! As soon as I left the barber shop, I had a spring in my step. It just felt like the day was off to a great start! At the end of the work day I decided to go down to Atlantic City and play some poker. It was my first time down there since last summer. I won a bit but lost it all at the roulette table. My decision to play roulette may or may not have been influenced by the free flowing booze I was indulging in. Oh well, it gave me the poker itch again and I can't wait to play some more as soon as I can. Poker really is a wonderful game!

Today is a beautiful day in New York City. The sun is shining and it actually feels rather spring like. There are beautiful women walking all around. I feel like today is gonna be a good day!

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e-z5_JVng_w

"Those that do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it."
- Edmund Burke

Lately, I've been thinking about history and man's inhumanity to man. I've been listening to Dan Carlin's Hardcore History podcasts. These podcasts have led me to do some wikipedia research (far too lazy to read an actual book) on some various topics/historical events. Time after time it all brings me to the same conclusion and that is that people are really, really ****ed up. War is ****ed up. Fanaticism is ****ed up. Religion is ****ed up. We keep making the same mistakes and engaging in the same atrocious behavior time after time.

I was raised Catholic. Went to Catholic schools my entire life. I was even thrown out of a Jesuit university after 2 semesters. I am now an atheist/agnostic. My dilemma is that my wife insists on raising our children Catholic. I have said that I do not agree with it but I go along with it for the sake of tradition (we both come from Catholic families) and to not upset her and our respective parents. However, I still feel like a hypocrite baptizing my children and having them be raised in the Catholic faith. I dread the times I have to go to church to sit, stand and kneel in front of a "celibate" man mouthing the words of centuries old dogma just for the sake of tradition. I feel like such a sell out! This is just a further illustration of what my life is and that is basically...going along to get along, not make any waves, just grin and bear it and try not to upset anyone as I suppress my true feelings and self.

I should have just gone out on the road and traveled right after they kicked me out of the hallowed halls of learning of that Jesuit university. That was my sign to break free from my past. Make a clean break and find myself. Or maybe my true self is to be like Jesus and bear my cross and suffer for their sins? **** that!

Original sin. That's how they get you! You haven't even been born and already you are bad! You need to be forgiven, you need to be cleansed! A BABY is guilty of sin and needs to be spiritually cleansed!!! What ****ing insanity!!!! How do people go along with this bull**** for centuries??? Oh, I know....they are just like me. Humans gonna human.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-nznnfRlYPs

I guess I spend most of my time on 2p2 reading topics other than poker. I just find the poker parts too confusing to read. Always have. UTG +1 (200$) Villian, hero, OESD, CRAI, OOP, OTF. I ****ing hate abbreviations. I usually get frustrated by them and just drop it all and go to Las Vegas Lifestyles and read trip reports.

So it seems like everyone is in Vegas going crazy over March Madness. Not me, man! I don't give a **** about college sports. Never have. I guess it's a NYC thing. We don't have any schools that are any good at sports. I guess St. John's but that's about it. But even the Johnnies haven't been good since Chris Mullen and Mark Jackson were there. Yeah, pretty bad! So this whole MM thing (see what I did?) escapes me. Wake me when it's over and the NBA playoffs start.

Speaking of NBA. My Knicks got Phil Jackson to be their President! As a long suffering Knickerbockers fan, I am pretty pleased with this development. I am imagining the Knicks v. Heat in the Conference finals and the camera switching back and forth between Pat Riley and Phil Jackson as opponents. You know that would be cool! Come on, you know it would be!

I'm also a long suffering New York Jets fan. I think their GM Idzik is horrible. He didn't make an offer on Revis and let him go to the ****ing Pats!!! The ****ing Pats have Revis!!! It is truly a dark time. I don't see them making any inspiring moves this off season. Hopefully Geno can pull himself together and have a good year this season. It would be great if they got some good targets for him. How about DeSean Jackson? But football is far away. However spring is in the air and pretty soon baseball will be back.

Yankees! I can't wait for baseball to start! Excited to see Tanaka pitch. Not so excited about the whole drawn out Jeter victory lap that will surely happen this year. Don't get me wrong, I love Jeter. But I can really do without the fanfare and countdown to his retirement. I would prefer if they just announce their retirement at the end of the season without all of the hoopla. Sucks that he is retiring. I am the same age as Jeter. Makes me feel old. Also, I haven't accomplished **** in my career. Makes me feel like a failure....**** you Jeter!

I hate hockey. I can't follow the ****ing puck. So **** that ****.

So that's my sports rant...

Current Events:

Russia and the Ukraine crisis. Seems to me like the Crimeans want to be part of Russia and not Ukraine. Why not let them go? We (USA) should stay out of it. I really like how Putin zinged Obama when he pointed out how all of a sudden we care about international law. Drone strikes in Pakistan? Invasion of Iraq? Oh, that ****'s cool cuz we're the good guys!

****ing hate politics!

Don't care for the coverage of the missing Malaysian plane. Cliffs: Plane went missing. No one knows where it is or what happened. Period. That's it! Yet...we get days and days of endless coverage and speculation. **** that noize!

I listened to Amy Winehouse this morning. I almost cried listening. She was such an amazing talent. So sad that she died the way she did. Nowadays there is so much soul-less, plastic garbage out there. Amy was different. Almost not of this time. Her voice and vulnerability was as touching to me as any work of art. I hope she is at peace.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tkLiYIDD794

I am done with being timid in various aspects of my life. It is now time for bold and decisive action.

Carpe diem!

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=92cwKCU8Z5c&feature=kp

OP, it sounds as if you are overwhelmed. I understand that feeling. Just, remember, you do not have to change your life completely, all at once.

Just change one thing. One. That's a good start.

People who consider themselves "competitive" are usually *******s.

Why are many poker players such narcissistic pricks?

Why do people still tell bad beat stories?

OP,

I've noticed your recent posts in other forums have come off as excessively angry and judgmental. Not trying to stir you up, just wanted to give you a frame of reference because I feel like I'm on your wavelength.

btw, people still tell bad beat stories because:

1) everyone likes to vent
2) there isn't anything better to talk about

Thanks, wombat...

Yeah, I had a tough night at the tables. I should know from experience that I shouldn't play cards when I am feeling depressed or in a negative frame of mind. And yet I did. Add alcohol and obnoxious yappers at my table and I was on massive tilt. Dropped 3 buy ins at 2/5 NL plus another $1.5K at roulette and mini bac. So total loss was about $3k.

This was last Saturday night in AC. Let me tell you that there are few things worse than going back home to NYC on a greyhound bus after 15 hours of gambling, broke and hungover. But what makes it worse is coming home to my nightmare life. Luckily wife was in an ok mood. I told her I was in AC and she asked me how it went. I, of course, told her I broke even. She then says, "Good, I'm glad you didn't blow all of our money getting your jollies (yes, she actually said jollies) because we have bills to pay." I told her I would handle the bills. This is the point where I reach for my trusty bottle of Jameson's and chase it with some cold Heinekens.

We are 2 months behind on our cell phones and cable and 2 weeks late on the car payment. Lol! Payday is on the 15th. I get paid bi-weekly. Most of that check will go for bills and food. I have $235 left in the checking account until the 15th which is a week away.

It is just a vicious cycle of bull****.


Message to Mods: Is it possible to re-title my blog to: My Ennui for Your Amusement