I have been spending time with my family in an extreme change of events and was blessed with my mom, 2 little sisters, dad and my paternal grandmother all living under one roof for the first time in my life! Can't make this up guys.. :P . I'll try to touch base on this soon, as well as to respond to the last post on here

Hope everyone has a happy holiday, and if I don't get back in time, happy new year too

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hb2YSAVHmIE
Merry Christmas peoples

Here we go, into a new year.

It seems as though the significance of a new year has changed for me.

To follow up on the topic of whether there is right or wrong, and good or bad, I believe this is all becomes increasingly ambiguous the more we diversify our perspective.

It starts with me (you) when I encounter any situation or circumstance. How I perceive this situation will inevitably determine my perspective.

This is where I feel a lot of people struggle, is with perspective.

When we have decided how we see a situation, we can simultaneously fail to evaluate our meta perception (How I think you see me) in an accurate way.

As a poker player, I'm very familiar with the concept. Also, as someone who has extreme social anxiety, I have a constant daily battle with my meta perception.

I'd also like to add, that our brain has a tendency to project our perspective onto other people, and therefore skew our meta perception.

If we take this all into consideration, we can conclude that, in any stressful situation we are liable to cause increased chaos by being unaware of how our perceptions of others affect our perception of how other people see us.

For instance, if I feel bad, and go talk to someone who feels good, our conversation would invariably be had by two people in completely different realities.

If the happy person says to the sad person "lighten up, it'll be alright." The sad person may Feel inclined to React to the happy person with confusion, because they may have perceived the happy person as being mocking or overbearing, when, in fact, the happy person only wishes to bring the sad person to their reality of happiness.

I've been trying to find the words to explain this in a way that is easily understood, because I know that my understanding and perception is not transferable to another persons mind.

I guess what I'm trying to get to is that, when we are immersed in emotions, our logic and reason take a back seat naturally.

Emotions are instincts, and instincts are things we do that we are not taught to do, but naturally are drawn to do.

So, I feel that in many ways, if we are able to understand the defects in our perceptual thinking, then we can begin to see, in every encounter, how things could be different if only we changed our perspective.

In the OP of this thread, I had a very close minded perspective of what life was intended to be. I was jaded, and hurt, and hated all the people who caused me pain.

Over this last year, I have shifted my way of thinking in a way that allows me to see life for what it is, a journey seeking knowledge, and the wisdom to understand it through faith in something greater than myself.

My path to faith has been one riddled with angst and trepidation, for what happens if I'm wrong, and there is nothing after this?

Then, I realized, does it really matter if I'm right today, only to be wrong tomorrow? Or vice versa.

Basically, the way I've found my sanity is to believe in there being a bigger picture than what I can see. I have learned, and still am learning every day, that nothing is EVER what it first appears to be. We are human in a way that prevents us from seeing the future, while being allowed to see only parts of our past, and urged to embrace the present with the flexibility of acceptance to change.

2 months ago I moved back home to DE instead of taking an opportunity to play poker in Vegas.

My relationship was falling apart at the seams, and no matter how hard I tried to fix it, it just wasn't what I needed anymore.

6 months ago I began talking to my mother every day, and had come to a place in my sobriety where I could overlook the pain and disgust I felt towards her for spending the last 10 years with someone who took advantage of my youth in deplorable ways.

After talking with her for a few weeks, then having a situation come up where he left her only to come back and make her and my sisters miserable, I had a horrible gut feeling that this man took advantage of my mother in a too familiar kind of way.

I needed to do something.. but didn't know how to help.

I reached out to my closest friends for advice. Still had no answers, so I prayed every day.

My two youngest twin sisters turned 13, and I had a feeling that this age milestone, to a man who saw no crime in age difference, would be the final undoing of my family.

But I was only partially right.

You see, the day that I missed that first PFA interview my mom had called me at 1am and told me he called the cops on her and was trying to get her arrested after he antagonized her. This was understandably stressful, because I was so far away. I laid down for a minute to regroup, but slept through the night.

The following morning is when I broke up with my bf, and then my dad called, I told him what happened with my relationship, and he asked me to come home. I agreed.

At the same time, I was telling him what was going on with my Mom and sisters, like the guy made my mom sleep outside in the truck, in the cold after the cops left. My dad was blown away by the guys behavior, which prompted him to offer them to come stay with us.

It took 6 weeks to get my Mom away from the abuser, and the day we went to get her she looked so sick and broken that I wanted to cry.

The first week was hard for all of us, but Christmas was able to bring us together.

My sisters got brand new Violins, for their new school in DE. Laptops, and an Xbox 1 from Mom and Dad.

I gave Mom, and the girls each a pendent necklace with a clover charm, and a small globe with wish flowers in it. I told them that no matter what happens, I will always be there for them and love them.

We've all been healing, and my mom is doing extraordinarily better.

For the first time in my life, I can seen that all the pain in my past that resulted from her choices, was not her fault.

I can only see this and forgive her because I've changed my perception of the situation.

I can't say that I know how this will turn out, and I have no idea what I'm doing, but I am determined to be for them what no one else has ever been for them, or me.

So in the end, everything is falling into place for me. It has been a long struggle up to this point, and I've learned that the struggle is life, and not something I should let deter me from my goals.

Always growing, diversifying, changing.

Happy New Year <3

Quick life update for everyone since it's been a few weeks and I don't want anyone thinking I've gone off and died :P lol

Anyway, so I officially have 18 months sober! woohooo

That's an entire year and a half.

My life is so much better than it was at the beginning of this thread. I think sometimes that it's crazy to have this thread up here, sometimes I think that it's a bad idea to leave this here... But then I think about how hard it was to get sober. I think about how I had so much stuff going on in my life when I started this thread, that if it wasn't for all the people who looked out for me and told me how hard I was messing up, I probably wouldn't even be here, telling all you guys this.

To me, this thread represents all the good that can come from poker and the community, and although there were some negative people and things, I feel that poker probably saved my life, or rather more accurately, a bunch of people who love poker saved my life :P

So I'm probably not going to update this thread much, if at all again, because I feel that it's time to move on from it but if anyone is ever curious about how I'm doing just find me @McGrindinLife on Twitter and Instagram

Thank you to every person who has inspired me within poker and my sobriety, you're all my heros <3

Peace & Love

Thats great. You are really inspirational. Definitely one of my favorite blogs here.

Have you ever considered doing a little volunteer work with people having the same sorts of issues? I think you could really do a lot of good.

I appreciate you

But to answer your question, I feel that once I am better in health (physical and emotional, as I'm now going to therapy, and doctors, and even though it scares the hell out of me, and I have massive panic attacks before I go to each doctor, I know that when I do finally reach a place where I am able to say "I did it, I came back from the brink of death and faced all my fears." I will then feel capable of being the support for those who feel they have no support. I want to do all I can to help every person I meet, or that reads my writing, because I believe that my struggle was a gift in a paradoxical way.

<3

You inspire me, always. Sure our paths will cross once again, maybe on the AT

Great stuff Congrats. Just look at your doctors like Pocket Jacks and your on the button after one raise whata you gonna do? ps. hows the smoking

That's the end game right there To be healthy enough for a thru-hike <3

Updates?

On February 25, at 2am my older sister Jasmine was hit by a speeding driver who ran a red light, stuck the passenger side of the car which sent it into a tree and a pole. They were dead on the scene, my sister 25 years old, and her friend 26.

Today is her birthday. I love you Jasmine, and I know you'll always watch over me.

https://www.google.com/amp/baltimore...-co-crash/amp/

The week prior to this I had found out my grandmother has lung cancer, after having to work with my dad to get my little sisters away from my mom so they can have a better life, because my mom chose her abuser over my sisters, I had no choice but to put them in the system.

By the grace of God, I have been able to stay sober through these last 2 years, as July 29th 2017 will be 2 years free of alcoholism.

I went to a therapist for 8 weeks, once a week. He kept trying to put me on antipsychotics but by the last session it was determined that my only psychological deficiency is that I have been through a lot of stuff that has traumatized me.

PTSD and Social Anxiety disorder. These things I've learned can be healed, and I am healing every day.

The day after my sister passed I had my last night terror for these 2 months past. I dreamt of an Orange sunset over a black backdrop staring across the harbor while smoking a blunt with my Aunt, the one we grew up with.

I moved out to California with a friend in March, he was going through his own struggle with alcoholism while I was grieving the loss of my sister, this created a world of misery that I was able to get myself out of by remaining faithful to my higher powers purpose in my life.

I did get my medicinal marijuana card after also attending several doctors appointments that only were leading to a bunch of negative test results and more specialists. The doctor thinks it might be joint hypermobility syndrome, but I have to see a neurologist and rheumatologist. I figure that perhaps before I let Big Pharma sink their claws into my brain via prescription medication, I'm trying the CBD/THC therapy.

I've got to tell you guys, I was never that big a fan of weed. Sure, I smoked it.. got banned from Venetian for a joint, but I had never thought it could help me the way it has. I've been able to get my body to build stamina because of the pain relief from my peripheral neuropathy, and the calming of my anxiety.

This has allowed me to learn how to stop my panic attacks without medication, as well as to be able to function Day to day with overall better health. Emotional/and physical.

I still consider myself sober, but if I was on the benzos and neurotin they want me on, I'd be a drugged up zombie.

I am with an amazing guy named Iggy. He's a little younger than me, and for once it is with someone who can read me like a book without me having to say anything.

I am planning another move back to Vegas for this week Heading out there with some friends and a load of sobriety and mindset love this time for the series. I'll probably gonna stick around after for once too. ❤️

great job and good luck !!!!!!!

I have enjoyed following along, wish you well and positive vibes

B

Thank you! Will probably need the good luck lol :P

Thank you! Hopefully I'll be able to add some awesome stuff up here during the series this year

Cool, maybe run into out there

Sent from my SM-N910T using Tapatalk

*hits blunt*

It doesn’t matter where I’ve been, or where I’m goin’/ where I’m flying, where I’m floating/ ����*♀️

We out here not knowing’ / who to hold onto/ we gone too/ but that’s just not you.

Every day/ mistakes out here gettin’ made/ everybody throwing shade/ cant escape/ the escapade in ya Escalade/ nah man, it ain’t hate.

Gotta appreciate where I came from/ it’s a little different than where I call home/ it’s like night and day/ as the pain of a ****ed up childhood fades away/ I get on my knees and pray/ thank god for that day when I had the courage to walk away

I’m stronger now
I hold my head higher now
I’m not just a survivor now
I got back up and I don’t know how
I’m living my life the best way I know now

Like Your life, You have overcome a lot, Hope You have a Great Day . . .

Oh man, just wait until I fill in the last 2 years.

Sequel to this blog is on the way.

Now we’re in Austin Texas, navigating the strange world of “legal cardrooms” and the poker underground. Time rake VS pot rake, the implications this has on bankroll management and the issues I’ve encountered with the rooms out here.

We’ve been in Austin since October.

Plot twist: My older sister dies February 2017 and then I had a baby in March of 2018 <- a whole new world of struggle.

If you’ve followed my social media over the years, you might know some of what’s been going on in my life, either way, I’m going to iterate it here in this thread soon.

Get ready, story time with Amanda is about to start again.

We’re finally awake again, we’re about to start healing again.

We’re gonna be growing again. We’re learning again.

Ready to follow my story again?

Oh wow. Good to hear from you. Can't wait.

I grew up in Austin. Hopefully you have some "weird" stories to tell.

Of course I have some “keep Austin weird” stories

Literally my favorite city. I love it so much here, I actually signed a 14 month lease in June, first lease I’ve signed since leaving home from Baltimore all those years ago

Oh man, if you grew up here than maybe you know some good scenic spots that aren’t as touristy as 360 and Barton springs?

You would think I would know, but I'm struggling to think of any. The problem is, anywhere in the city is crowded most of the time.

It sounds like you might have a flexible schedule so maybe try the Barton Creek Greenbelt. It is a big space and you can probably find parts of it that aren't too crowded on weekdays. One easy place to enter is right above Barton Springs. You can walk for miles from there. But, there are also places way up the creek as well.

One little gem that I liked going to was Mayfield park/Laguna Gloria. It is really small but there is hardly anyone there most of the time. Plus, they occasionally have outdoor sculpture displays. Kinda cool.

Most places that have water outside the city will be crowded. I used to go to Hamilton Pool but it gets pretty crowded there now. There are some places around Lake Travis that aren't too bad during the week. Paleface Park maybe but it has been a long time since I've been there.

If you are up for a road trip, check out Enchanted Rock.

Yeah, Austin is a great place. Crazy how big it is now.

Did you know you now have to pay to park at Barton Springs?

No. I guess I've been away a while.

A lot about the pool and the creek have changed.

I second the idea of Laguna Gloria and Mayfield Park. I guess Mt. Bonnell is touristy, but it's right up the road and you ought to check it out at least once.