How's no smoking going?

I managed a week of using the vape pen and nicotine gum before I realized that I enjoy the act of smoking much more than the nicotine. I will admit that I did fail this time, but I have decided that I will make another attempt, yet this time it will be a cold turkey quit. I've been told by friends this is the easier, more effective way to do it.

I've been pondering ways to exchange my smoking habit for a more beneficial and healthy reward so as to make the transition easier as well as possibly productive.

Thus far I have come up with emptying a cigarette of the tobacco, and to "smoke" it as if it were real. (Not actually, just pretend)

I theorize that if I can trick myself into producing a placebo effect, then within time I will no longer need the prop as I would have not actually been smoking.

Im not sure how good of an idea it is, and it lacks the productive replacement behavior I would like, but I feel that it can't hurt to try again

For anyone who missed my interview last night with Poker Fraud Alert, here it is!

http://pokerfraudalert.com/forum/sho...-The-Day-After

(They call me about 20 minutes in, and it is about an hour long.)

I touch on my time in Vegas, as well as answer some interesting questions

(I will advise that no young ears be around if you listen, as the content may not be appropriate for the little ones)

I had a lot of fun, and was happy to be able to give a positive update on my life!

Hope everyone has a great day

Cold turkey is the way to go. It's very hard to quit when you're still allowing yourself some sort of nicotine.

Hope the next attempt is the last one!

Thanks, me too!

First you've got an open personality and from your writings it seems you care in a very deep and spiritual sense

Not for nothing it didn't seem like those guys doing the interview respected you

It's good that you enjoyed yourself, and I ain't trying to bring negativity to your blog, but that probably speaks more about you than their tact

This isn't a judgement from one instance, just curious as to whether you put much focus on how the people in your life impact you and whether they bring out your good qualities and or impact your mood/life in a positive manner?

I have a friend that has kind of an indigo personality and is similarly open, unfortunately a lot of emotional energy is used on people that don't appreciate it or take advantage of it. While there's no fault in caring about other people, sometimes we sabotage ourselves by not recognizing how vulnerable certain personalities can make us

hope life's feeling good and you're winning your smoking battle glglgl

I appreciate you taking the time to respond, and also your insights.

I have over the last few months become much more spiritual than I have ever truly been before. This allows me to find humility in such situations as you've described.

Meaning that, although to some it may have seemed as though I was allowing someone to mock me, or my personality, I instead choose to believe that there are differences in our way of living our life and participation is simply my willful acknowledgement and acceptance of those differences.

In regards to whether they respected me or not, I choose to believe this is one of life's paradoxes. Had they of conducted the interview any other way, I'd be willing to go as far as to say that it would have perhaps been more disrespectful to the change in character I've had.

So do I think they were disrespectful in the PokerFraudAlert interview?
Nah, I think they were just enjoying themselves as I was.

On the topic of how I allow the influences of others to effect my personal wellbeing, i feel it would be worth noting the fact that since beginning my journey into sobriety I have learned how to be more selective in this area. I do not refuse my friendship to those who choose to continue on a self destructive path, but instead offer my experience as a means to give direction, if there is a desire for such a thing.

I will say that I no longer allow myself or my mood to be affected by other people. This is because I have learned that I am responsible for my happiness, and happiness is not a destination, it is a choice in the attitude you live life with.

When I think on the vulnerabilities of my personality and my decisions to share all that I do share, it is not lost on me the fact that I am opening myself up in a way that my ego could be crippled, and my insecurities magnified.

This is something that had been of great importance to me in the past, and still holds some importance to me now. Yet, these days I wish for nothing more than to rid my being of the need to be selfish, self seeking, and self centered.

It is not my place, nor right, to decide when or how someone will impact my life. The same can be said for how I impact the lives of others.

What I do know is, that I know nothing, and in knowing nothing I am free to share my nothingness with the world without shame, guilt, pride, or ego.

So in my heart I believe that I am meant to live my life for the collective, in whatever way I am.

Nothing is ever as it seems, yet it is never not what it seems either.

And as for smoking I'm thinking up a new quit date, and I am thinking I'll make it Nov 29, which is also my puppy Booboos' birthday

Oh, and I finally got my GED transcripts from taking my GED test back in July 2011, turns out I passed with flying colors! Score was 3100 for anyone interested.

I honestly broke down in tears, because I had never known if I had passed or not.

In 2011 I still had a DJS case (Department of Juvenile Services) open and was living at an independent living place. Taking the test was a huge hassle, and I had actually missed my first testing date because of traffic that day going from Baltimore to D.C.

I had just moved into the apartment from my foster family I believe, so I turned 18 that July, a couple days before my birthday.

Seems like forever ago now that I'm 24. :P

Right after I took the test, the motion to rescind my DJS case to a DSS (Department of Social Services) case went through, so I was officially no longer a ward of the state and could get away from the "evil government". Lol.

It was a freedom that invigorated every rebellious bone in my body.

So I obviously decided to leave independent living, probably because I was a silly girl back then.

Anyway, I wound up moving around a lot, couch surfing and basically living paycheck to paycheck, so the $5 was a hefty fine to fork over when I needed it for Ramen and Booze.

When I did finally have the $5 to spare, I filled out the form and sent it in with the money order from the warehouse I was working at. 3 days later I found the envelope on the ground outside of the warehouse loading dock, pretty raggedy, so I switched the envelopes and sent it in again.

A couple weeks went by with nothing to show, so I called and they said it went out.

It never showed up, and I was thoroughly disappointed. So much so, that every time I thought to try again I figured something would just go wrong.

Well, I finally got my courage up to send for it again, albeit it was an exaggerated amount of time for such a task. Yet I'm happy to say I was thoroughly pleased this time

Some good stuff going on recently.

Congrats! You sound Great. If you really SERIOUSLY really want to stop smoking and are having issues message me. No cost, no tools, nothing to buy, works very well and addresses a lot of the issues you have had so far.

Wrote this poem - "bewilderment is a fickle thing "

This is all a figment of my imagination, my biased reality, blissful ignorances and half-hearted truths. It's a warped building, dilapidated and poisoned by outside forces, storms from the underworld drenched the masses of unweaned children with trepidation and an ambiguous sense of self all while I watched helplessly. Abstract and obtuse, meandering along life's double yellow line, teetering between right and wrong while belittling the person I saw in the mirror. When the thoughts finally stand still, the gashes in my sanity stop growing deeper, it starts to make sense again. I'll go to my place of peace, somewhere my mind wonders free from the imaginary troubles that spin me through multidimensional understanding. Where this is the dream, and here I am, so I am also not.

I feel like I should explain where these words came from, perhaps that might prompt further understanding and an ability to relate.

I tried to go to the doctors on Monday in an attempt to receive medical care for my recent inability to eat much due to an extreme loss in appetite. I've lost more than 15lbs in the last few months, and the opinion has been given to me that this might be caused by excess stress.

Well, if you've been following this thread, you may have noted my fear of doctors. I tend to have panic attacks whenever I go, and I'd say that I probably only stick around to see the doctor 1/3 of the time.

It's actually quite ridiculous if I do say so myself.

Anyway, I wrote this as a way to diffuse the alarmingly despondent demeanor I was experiencing.

It felt quite surreal, almost as if I were in one of those lucid dream states. My understanding of the world around me was nowhere to be found. I felt quite alone, in a painful empty way.

When I awoke the next day, after writing this, I realized that this poem depicts perfectly the state of mind I experience while engulfed by the chemicals going crazy in my brain during a panic attack.

I've reread it a bunch of times, and feel like I've reached some kind of epiphany regarding my anxiety. It's quite exhilarating to feel so good after feeling so bad.

You know that most song writers DO NOT know how to play a musical instrument.
Keep on keeping on!

I've always wanted to play an instrument, but have always found more meaning in the words of a song.

I picked up a pocket thesaurus and a separate pocket dictionary a few weeks ago while shopping at the thrift stores with my paternal Grandmother.

I have recently come to admire Cate Hall, and her vibrant vocabulary.

Last night I was reading about personality disorders, and if there were a disorder for the obsession of words, I'd be a willing victim.

Perhaps one day I'll pick up that acoustic guitar from the shop, one that I will eventually become envious of.

Then, as I learn to strum through trial and error, because I'm too stubborn to be taught, I'll put these words to a melody born from my heart

Tomorrow is a pretty big day for me, considering it'll mark 16 months of sobriety, it's Booboos' 1st birthday, AND I'm gonna go for the cold turkey quit from cigarettes.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned recently ITT that I have temporarily moved back to DE with my Dad and Gma, after breaking up with the guy I've been with for this last year.

It was kind of mutual, as he didn't seem to upset by me choosing to leave. on our 1 year anniversary. How about that for irony! We were really great friends, but our intimacy suffered from a lot of pain in both of our pasts. Looking back I feel that I was given an opportunity through this relationship to learn a lot about myself, and also to be able to change those things about myself I never knew I didn't like.

I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with my life, because right now I feel more free from worldly desires than ever before. I'm not saying that I don't want stuff, but I do want it with a lot less obsession and envy.

It's kind of like "As long as it doesn't take me down a dark emotional road, I'm up for it.".

For the last few months (probably like 6 months) I've not really felt like playing poker for a living and was considering getting a job. I didn't much feel like doing that for money as much as I wanted to get a job for the ability to interact with people who I'm not trying to deceive. I've always found it conflicting to befriend Poker players, especially the ones who I would play against regularly at bestbet, so it's needless to say but I will say it anyway, I was getting pretty lonely.

Now that I'm back home with family until I go on my next "Great Adventure", I feel that a job might break up the monotony when I'm not playing online poker.

Perhaps a part time waitressing job, somewhere I could work a few months and get cash every day so when I do quit it won't be that big of a deal.

In the past, I hated customer service and people, so waitressing was the ultimate "No go", but since sobering up I've been working on my spiritual sickness and feel like it might be exactly what I'm looking for, temporarily.

I've thought a lot about quitting poker and fading into social normalcy, but to be quite frank, I don't actually want to.

SURE, sometimes I really despise variance, but I'm not so afraid of it these days with my Higher Power looking out for me regardless of what I do.

Again, I have no clue what my plans will wind up being, I'm just doing my best to be better than the person I was yesterday.

Oh, and I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving!

Getting a job with the purpose of fulfilling those goals that you stated is a good idea. It's an actionable approach towards learning about yourself and continuing to make improvements in your life.

Personally I love poker and it is my passion. Realistically I've never been able to take the right approach in life to succeed at poker. Aside from struggling with all forms of tilt, substance abuse and lack of meaning/motivation; I've found that I love the idea of poker and its challenges because it forces me to understand and evolve within my own nature.

My passion is inspired by the lessons that the journey has taught me.

This is a long way of me trying to relate to you that maybe its not about poker and what you do, but how you feel about yourself and how you relate to the world around you.

I know I had about 18 years to develop my ideas of the world. What I liked and didn't like, and I didn't see myself 'fitting in' and being satisfied with anything but poker. Now I recognize that even my core values have shifted and I understand that I'm now capable of doing things that I knew I couldn't before.

There's a logical part of me that wishes I could take my own advice and get a job, then there's another stubborn side that tells me this is who I am and see's the rewards to the path I have taken. It's not like one is right and one is wrong. Achieving higher levels of self awareness is my course; my surrounding are the platform.

Do whatever brings value to yourself and your life

I think I said it before but your ability to self reflect has brought you mucho maturity for a young age and your openess is both commendable and inspiring, thank you for making me think and helping me understand more about myself

Keep kicking ass and have a great day tomorrow! Hope you had a good turkey day too

You make a good point about being drawn to poker for the challenge of bettering yourself through the leaks in life that it makes abundantly clear for some, and I relate to this 100%.

Initially poker was about the possibility of the fame and fortune that it offered, then slowly it became about inspiring others to chase their dreams because poker made me feel like I had found my calling in the way that I wished to reach a wider audience of people to share my experience, strength, and hope.

I feel that poker has been a crucial element in my choosing to clean up my act and sober up. The reason for this was that I knew if I ever wanted to be a successful poker player, I would have to be successful in conquering all of my demons, and successful in life off the tables.

I'm not sure what I am going to do, as I do currently feel a bit lost in the chaos of change, which has forced me to make the decision to walk away from the table for a little while.

What I do know, is that I am a better person because I am a poker player and I will always be a poker player no matter how long it is between the last hand I was dealt and the next.

I believe that in this life our purpose is akin to finding ourselves. In whatever way we find ourselves connected to the intangible, unseen, and unheard part of existence.

This path is a long and tedious one, for in order to truly know oneself, one must be open to observing what our shortcomings are.

I do wish you the best on your journey, and I am pleased it has brought you to cross paths with mine

I have found a peculiar phenomenon that occurs in my thought process right before I begin to delve into intentional learning.

Leading up the the action, I tend to exude confidence in my ability to retain newly received information, and to then utilize such information.

Yet, right as I begin to read the first few words coming from the unknown, my thoughts jump on a boat sailing to "But what if I can'tsville".

It's kind of odd, but I feel that perhaps this type of elusive perception change occurs all the time.

In fact, this is what I think they call cognitive dissonance, which definitively speaking is when your thoughts and actions are actually opposing each other causing discomfort psychologically.

Think, I "say and think" one thing, yet "do" the opposite, usually unintentionally. Quite exactly how it is to be an addict of anything.

Maybe we can all find common ground on this subject.

For instance, I had wanted to get sober, but moved to Vegas, and ITT there are some pretty great examples of how I justified my moving to Vegas in hopes of attaining sobriety. Lol.

Anyway, I was thinking that perhaps this way of thinking is in fact the true cause of a great many "disorders of the brain", especially when you consider the complex nature of the brain and consciousness working as one.

It makes me wonder how much suffering we cause ourselves because we are unconscious of the way we allow ourselves to think.

You know, the last thing I said to myself before I put down the bottle for good, for the umpteenth and final time, was "I don't have a reason to quit, so I should just quit.", which too makes me believe that somehow I actually convinced myself to get sober "in spite of/to spite" myself.

I'm not sure where exactly I'm going with this, but as I've mentioned in previous posts, I enjoy learning in this capacity. I've decided to diligently work to overcome my shortcomings, especially the ones I've allowed to stagnate. So I'm making arrangements to seek therapy. (Wowza right :P )

This type of thinking has allowed me to see life through completely renewed and brightened eyes.

.....On a different note,

I met the happiest "KidOfHeart" type person today. He was helping my Dad load the new TV stand he bought from the Walmart.

I waited with KidOfHeart while my Dad brought the truck up, and asked the guy how he was doing. In line at the register he mentioned not being from around here and asked my dad about the Monster energy drinks in the cart because he had never heard of them, I was intrigued.

So I asked KidOfHeart where he lived and he goes on to tell me about how his house was burned down the week before thanksgiving, so he doesn't really live anywhere because they're still waiting on the insurance claim. Currently they are staying in a hotel.

He said the theory is that a hot ember flew through and out of the chimney, then down onto the porch and lit it on fire. Hmm...

I was pretty speechless, but his demeanor was so inviting that I was still able to genuinely, without regrets, wish him the best.

He seemed undeserving of such an incident, although I don't feel I know him well enough to judge, but I was delighted by his ability to remain in good spirits, despite adversity.

This is a quality I am striving for.

Hope all are well!

I've been wondering about,
what makes memories.
For I believe,
quite possibly,
this is how how
we become
who we are to become.

They in no way define
who we are,
they instead,
perhaps,
define the way,
In which
we are to learn
the lessons life has to offer.

Likely intertwined
into our destiny,
our dreams,
our Highest selves.

To be a memory,
To have reverie,
Is to be.

Back in town after some crazy holidays!
Great writing above. It is Tuesday. Glad your doing all right.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEMuAnFH_lM

So I'm curious, what methods do you employ when you're attempting to determine whether something is "right" or "wrong"?

Like, what are your qualifications for each respectively?

What do you mean? There's a lot of context for this question!

From who's perspective are you considering?

Between right and wrong is there a grey area too?

If the issue is self contained: there are still circumstances where something feels right in the moment, then later you come to understand that you were only satiating one side of yourself. We are human and have many parts that make up our being. We've got emotions and ideologies etc that are often governed by the moment; when in another moment we are influenced by all the same things but have a response that is contradictory to the previous. There is no way to measure* whether one was more right or wrong, it was just your experience.

^Well you can measure, but that answer is only how you feel in the moment and we, as people, are fluid in our thoughts and feeling


Most people would be better served if their approach to issues were taken from a different angle than whether something is 'right or wrong' because viewing life from that perspective can be limiting.

--Take poker for example. I'm going to try to paraphrase but there is a great thread on here where Player A (Allen) and Player B (Bob) are both learning poker. Allen is strict abc poker and takes safe standard lines in all situations. Bob is anything but standard, always changing gears and engaging more in the psychological aspects of poker. To start off Allen has quick success as he is a steady winner; while Bob is up and down and learning through his mistakes. Fast forward a year and Allen is still grinding away but hasn't really improved; while Bob is now highly advanced in all aspects of his thinking and evaluation in poker has has progressed way past Allen's place in the poker food chain. However even in this example we can't deduce that Bob>Allen approach because many Bob's who get into poker fizzle out quickly because their style of approach is more volatile and is much harder to master than Allen's abc safe standard approach.

--Or in any relationship if one person has preconceived ideas of how their partner should behave, react or think then that impacts their depth of understanding and how much they can learn and grow from each other. Apply this concept to any political discourse or general social discussion.



But to answer the question :
-I try to be considerate of other people and whatever dynamics I can identify
-Typically I'll also want to evaluate my own emotions and where they're coming from
-As an exercise I'll attempt to run my decision through similar/future circumstances and decide whether my conclusions are fair and applicable to more than just the present
-Within the concept of right and wrong I want to figure out if I'm applying correctly to all variables


What about you?

Do you ever read your own words and wonder who wrote them
Multi tasking and posting on the internet aren't my strong suit lol


Not all caught up, but it's been an interesting and provoking read. You've kept a progressive attitude despite a lot of noise and achieved some real commendable personal goals. Cheers to your focus and determination! Not many have the moral compass that you possess, I hope life gives you more of what you're looking for. For real


May I flip a bitch and ask you some questions? They'd just be reflective, or looking forward. Nothing super personal.

Sorry if I'm cluttering your blog (with emoji)

I believe you hit the nail pretty head on here for what I was looking for.

For me, where you question whether there is a grey, I find myself completely immersed in it.

For there to be "right" or "wrong", one must inevitably discern the current variables in said situation.

Then, if this is done properly, one should be able to come to a conclusion.

I'm beginning to believe that there may be a meta perception one must achieve in order to truly distinguish between right or wrong.

Think, what is good for the Goose, may or may not be good for the Gander, and we can interchange this example with individuality from person to person.

My current* conclusion on this subject is that it very well may be impossible to know right from wrong in the way we have been taught to believe.

Right and wrong are products of circumstance, rather than decisions we make.

To further expand, take for example the mind of someone who has the instincts to harm others, I believe if they are left undirected they can display a physical manifestation of their instinctual beliefs by harming others.

Yet this same individual can be guided into the way of morals, but we can not ascertain whether these are habitual changes or instinctual changes purely from observations. Or maybe we could?*

We assume this person should know right or wrong based on beliefs and teaching, when in fact true discernment of right or wrong is developed through an emotional connection to our individual instincts.

This is where I believe character defects can form, and although they may not be as pronounced in everyone as they are in some, they would cause an inability to do what you have done, and develop instincts that help to to know right from wrong.

So this may leave my viewpoint open-ended, but I do so because I am newly exploring the possibilities of perceptual interpretations of right and wrong. :P

I think through reading my own thread, I could see this thing I'm trying to explain in action. I have not reread my blog since posting it, but perhaps in doing so I could gain more insight into that milky white ocean I've heard about

And ask away! I don't shy away from inquires about my life much these days lol for better or worse I suppose :P

Whew some really great reflective stuff.
I have usually let music and song do it for me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4HSG8C8VwE

I do believe once you open yourself to the mindset of further evaluating your circumstance and surroundings one can't but help to increase their perspective and understanding of life.

Putting all the little pieces into place and seeing beyond the now to the how it came to be, can lead to different emotional responses than how we were taught.

Knowing how fleeting the good can be, and how grateful one should be, is humbling, not cause for egotistical pride.

When a person is met with obstacles they can look at the journey of survival as fuel for their own self improvement, achieving personal fulfillment is rewarding in its own right. Personally I believe that this should be more celebrated that it is; overcoming human/our own nature is one of the truest tests we can face.

^To the last point of right and wrong being products of circumstance; would you say that the decisions we make have the power to transcend circumstance?

Meaning that positive decisions can be chosen absent regard for assigning right and wrong. A man can only know what he knows after all. Its not so much playing devils advocate as an attempt to skirt around viewing issues through the lens of right and wrong.


I think the bolded is key and essential to understanding human nature.

Yes our consciousness gives meaning to life, but we are basic in nature when you break down our actions and motives.

Society really has developed to help hold group thought/progress together as everyone is able to exist within certain frameworks; but when an individual thinks and operates on levels outside recognition of normal social structure then to understand them we must delve far into what their conscious awareness is and how their emotional responses are being manifested.

In the case of a dangerous man; I don't believe that we are born wired to cause harm. I think that our choices can cause harm without direct intention. Also that a person can develop such that their emotional response is to ignore higher thinking and instead express more visceral instincts. Think like fight or light, it's basic and easier to access; rage/violent reactions would fit somewhere in there.

^I've of course only thought of this as an exercise, but to me we can teach through showing/expressing/experiencing behavioral change. Whether or not its successful depends on a lot more variables than I believe we can account for.


Ocean's are blue on the west coast

My brain is a little goofy from thinking about all this but I actually wanted to ask you some Q's regarding BlazinAces now vs at the beginning of this thread.

I get why you wouldn't go back and read it, but for perspective why haven't you read through yet? Do you journal or write outside of this blog?

Sorry to bring this up but when you moved to vegas some people questioned what you were doing; and they if they weren't judging in way of a right or wrong way to go about being a vegas grinder, they were certainly telling you what the odds of overcoming your choices were.

^That's a long sentence but I was asking for insight and whether you feel like your experience has led you to look at your life and ask the questions of right + wrong/the longer pondering posts of the past few pages (alliteration ftw!) or have you always thought as you do and are just expressing it more now?

Knowing what you know now, if you could give yourself advice what would it be? How would you apply those lessons to trying to quit smoking? How's the quitting smoking been?

Good Luck!