Hey blazin, hows life

its a strong voice and the conviction of your journey doesn't fail to project on anyone who reads. what you say is interesting and thought provoking. personally there's several things i want to respond with in every topic you broach but finding the context in which to reply is a bit of a struggle; you cover a lot of ground through many viewpoints.


I've had a lot of internal back and forth on the third statement you make here
At various points through my own development i've struggled with how I hold myself accountable in living up to what I believe in

Logically I understand that the notion that we all matter is an altruistic platform to view life, one that we can absolutely measure ourselves against; yet it is unreasonable to expect myself to be held to such a standard, after all we are all human and our thoughts and emotions ultimately were developed for survival. Yes we can learn to refine our emotions and deepen our thoughts but like most things we usually aren't very good the first time we try them, or in this case become aware of whats going on.

Seeing beyond our own personal existence is something that we should all work towards, but then learning to how to live in such a way has its own challenges. For most it is easy and safe to live for themselves than to risk living for others. I know this is not what you were implying but expecting people, with all of our faults, to live in a way that they're able to self reflect unselfishly is not applicable. The world is harsh and our psyche is fragile, I think big leaps are more difficult but conversation certainly brings awareness and that is a good thing

this is just me talking about concepts that are tough to fully articulate without devolving into tangents. thanks for making me think for a minute

I'm happy to help you think

You make very good points, and I can understand them all. I suppose I would say that if we're to set this higher standard, for ourselves and others, would we not begin to change collectively over time?

I agree that this type of thinking takes vastly more effort to maintain than what we have become accustomed to, so I argue that once we individually make the change we affect those around us, and this leads to change over time.

With your thought process, would it be too bold to suggest that the existence of this altruism already expressed by a few individuals has set in motion the gradual widespread practice of such behaviors? The behavior would have to be more appealing than the alternative, but that too should theoretically come with time?

Yes I believe that spreading awareness serves as the starting point for change. There is a power in possibility. Knowing that life can be different can give the type of hope which allows us to transcend the normal constraints of reality.

There is no right or wrong to approach. Some dream of a better future, others bring their positive attitude every day. We can create a work ethic derived from a higher power that is found in more places than recovery groups or religious forum. As humans we all get strength from each other. I like how you said it, that we change collectively over time.


It is a big step to change yourself. There is no playbook as we are all individuals. Even armed with self awareness and good intentions it may require the support of other people and an understanding that, to a degree, the work will remain a constant throughout your life.

Once you have discovered your own path how do you share these tools you have learned? In some respects it remains an unknown how we as humans are meant to connect to one another in a way that initiates positive influential change. Most of us try our best then don't know where to go from there.


Yes I see how we are evolving towards understanding what being more emotionally intelligent is. To my knowledge there has been much progress worldwide when it comes to social activism and human rights. Where I become cynical is in knowing that this conversation has been held for as long as there has been inequity among us. Why is there such disconnect between what we are capable of and how we live?

There is likely a lesson in here for me, I have expressed much more of a critical response than accepting that there has been a lot of progress and change likely won't happen the way I want it to

It's cool to see Amanda back around and her progression to this place in life. Her very first sentence in this thread was something like "I'm convinced life is a joke".... now it looks as if she's gotten control over her demons and is in a much better place. Amazing progress. Keep it up AA!

Sorry for such a late response, I went to visit my grandmother for a week in Delaware. Most of this response was done before I went, and I've added in place of digression my own perception of spirituality and religion. Spending the week with my grandmother who recently began going back to church has helped significantly with my recent relentless anger. So an update within an update, but my anger is dissipating with persistent awareness.

I completely understand your criticism in this situation, certainly if I had not been such the mess that I was, I too would be quite cynical. Yet because of the struggle that I went through and the trauma I've endured, I've learned how strong I really am.

Recently I have been doing much soul searching, and have come to learn much about myself. I feel that this "knowledge of self" is the key to opening the door to true ubiquitous unity.

So the disconnect between our potential and how we are currently living might be as simple as getting to know ourselves on a deeper level. Figuring out how we cause our own suffering per individual life story.

For instance, I mentioned I have recently begun soul searching, yet this is something I do regularly. This time my intentions were different, and the outcome has been more beneficial than any before it.

Usually when I seek to enlighten myself, I look outside of myself for answers. Perhaps I would look into what causes other people to treat me poorly, or speak down to me. Ironically enough I would end up looking for ways to handle their problems, not my own. This resulted in me feeling more confused than I was in the first place.

So this time what I did differently was to look at why I got angry, or why I would talk down to people.

This endeavor put me in an extremely awkward situation with myself.

Here I was, wanting to figure out how to stop getting so angry every time something didn't go my way, and I couldn't help but want to hide.

Yet this time I found some of my biggest triggers for my anger. For me, I curse a lot. So what I have put together is that when I am already bothered, and begin to curse, it starts adding fuel to the fire subconsciously until it's burning and raging inside me.

I've always been a bit of a hothead, and I have felt much regret for the pain I've caused others over the years because of it. It's something I struggle with daily, and with a year of sobriety under my belt I have finally realized it is this anger that I let drive me to the point of insanity time and time again.

It seems so simple, just stop being angry.

"Don't you want to be happy?"

Of course I do, I imagine everyone would like that.

The thing about finding a solution to the problems we have in our society is that there are an almost infinite amount of problems. Each of these problems will also have an almost infinite number of ways to solve them.

In order to fix a problem we have to know what it is. If we only "kinda" know what it is, we can only "kinda" fix it. Which isn't actually fixing it, and can sometimes makes it worse.

So it would be grand to have "The Ultimate Guide to Finding Perspective for Dummies", but I don't know if they have that one yet so it comes down to the individual to figure out the path they must take in order to gain the perspective they need to perpetuate the growth of our community.

Perhaps this is a type of spiritual experience that one must have, to learn to embrace the bigger picture.

It is my observation that has shown me that there are a great number of people who discredit spiritual awareness because of there lack of knowledge about Religion.

Being knowledgeable about the differences between organized religion and spiritual awareness could be another key to monopolizing our potential.

For instance, I wouldn't consider myself religious yet I do try to be spiritual. Recently I have begun reading a Bible that was given to me by someone I hurt in my past, it's The Every Day Life Bible with notes and commentary by Joyce Meyer. The commentary and notes add to my understanding of this book. I've taken to Psalms, in which through prayer and song there are lessons in maintaining faith in the fact that the life you have been given will get better. I feel that faith is something we lack in a way that we don't know how much we need it.

I choose to read the Bible without obligation to my perception of its meaning. I choose to embrace in its words my own higher power, that invisible, impossible force that is ever withstanding of time.

For me at this point in my life it is very easy for me to believe in something greater than my own existence. I might believe that the teaching of all religion has had the soul purpose of bringing us to our OWN understanding of what God is, and to learn to love that concept of God.

The word "God" has become offensive to our society in some ways. Most who do not understand spirituality are almost perturbed by the suggestion of believing in something bigger than themselves.

Perhaps they are as I once was, so hurt by all the pain that they feel the only power they have left is to believe solely in themselves. I don't believe the stories in the Bible happened as they were written, but I do believe that those stories are metaphors for a better way to live life without being encumbered by resentment and hopelessness.

So what if we were to look at our societies entirety as a person? Could we give this "person" characteristics and habits, beliefs and opinions? Better yet, lets imagine that this "person" is a close friend.

I see this "friend" of ours with so much potential, but the odds are heavily stacked against them. They have all the resources they need at their disposal, and an almost infinite amount of support. When I notice that they are doing some stuff that's not good for them, I decide as a good friend to try and help. When I approach this friend I am met with defensiveness and the inability to accept accountability. There is a part of them that knows they are hurting themselves, but there are also voices in their head that are louder and saying that they've always done things this way, so why change? Then that other part says, even if there was a good reason to change, how do I even begin?

So to sum this up, although it may seem trivial to believe in a better future society, we must seek self fulfillment on an interpersonal level in order to eventually perpetuate a better attitude about life in general. We must give strength when our peers seem weakened by hopelessness, and do whatever our part may be to get the next right thing done.

If you work on yourself, and become all the things you wish to see in other people while having faith in the brilliance of your life, the world will change in time. Just remember that in order to measure time it would have to be finite, yet our existence is presumably infinite.

I appreciate this so much! Sometimes it would be easy to forget how far I've come, but with this thread I feel I have a constant reminder of exactly how far I have come Soon I will be actually going back to school for a bio tech lab tech degree. I'm super excited about finally getting into the field I've wanted to study for years. That'll be in January I'm hoping!

An update just in case things get bad, I'm currently in Jacksonville and awaiting the arrival of Hurricane Matthew.

It's quite the worrisome situation for me, in a way I feel like my Higher power is testing me.

I am newish to Florida as in I've yet to experience a hurricane anything like this. I'm an adamant avoider of the weather, which being that there is no snow here I figured I could handle the rain. I didn't think about this scenario, but that doesn't mean I can't make the best of it.

So when I finally grasped the severity of the situation, it was too late to leave according to my boyfriend. The traffic was bumper to bumper and we didn't want to get stuck in the car on the road so we stayed.

I'm over a year sober and I've come a long way emotionally. Although, one thing that will never go away fully is my panic disorder. Since getting sober and working on my spiritual life, the panic attacks have lessened in severity but I still have them upwards of 5 times a week. A major improvement from having them back to back multiple times in a day.

I'm not sure I've touched on this before, but with so much being in this thread I'm sure there are obvious occurrences of this effecting my life.

It tends to warp my perception in situations that could be dangerous, but most concerning is that it causes me to react to "not so dangerous" situations as if they are.

So I feel like I'm being tested.

This is a situation I have tried to run from because of my preferred "flight" response, yet I was unable to leave.

Perhaps I'm supposed to grow from this experience, regardless of the outcome. I can't change it at this point, so I'm going to pray for the best and do my best to remain calm.

Even if the roof falls off, it'll all be ok.

Gonna ask for the one time on this one guys

I'm the blue dot in the upper left corner.

Stay strong!

This is a tree that fell outside last night across the street.


The storm is over, and I am grateful that I am safe.

I was being thrown into an ice cold bathtub in a dark room with no lights and a faint figure holding me down.

I begin to struggle, thrashing around as I begin to hyperventilate and go into shock from the freezing water.

I scream and scream until I violently awaken from my nightmare into a night terror.

The candle blew out while I was sleeping, the light is gone.

Is this still real?

It still feels real.

I begin to cry uncontrollably, the tightness in my chest is shaking my body and I still can't breath.

Why?

My mouth is so dry it almost hurts, so I fumble around the night stand for my drink.

What time is it...

I go downstairs to my dogs kennel and pass the time on the stove, around 6 am.

I lay in my dogs kennel and lay there holding him, crying it out as the panic attack subsides.

The night terrors come and go. I've had them since I was 17, and still remember the first one like it was yesterday.

I had been in a long term 6-9 month placement for at risk youth, and it was time to work on the abuse I experienced as a child.

I had suppressed most of my memories of it, and the ones that remained were only faint.

My therapist began CBT for my PTSD and that night I had my first.

I was in the house where it happened and was walking through the back door, the man was in the living room. I didn't notice at first, but then he lunged at me and I ran upstairs into the bathroom. I was fighting him off of me when I awoke with the staff in my room holding me while I was screaming. I couldn't stop, I was still in fear for my life.. It didn't feel like a dream.

I screamed so loud I woke up all 17 girls that were on my unit behind separate closed doors.

Now that I'm sober I just deal with them.. but perhaps I should talk to someone about this. They've been fairly frequent again in the past few months, and the sleep interruption could have a fair amount to do with my anger issues resurfacing as well.. but I'm not going to give myself an excuse in that department either way.

This one has passed, it's been an hour and I'm going to try an sleep again.

Now that the sun in rising, I won't awake in the dark unsure of it was all a dream. The light helps the night terrors not last so long.


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Thanks for sharing, you are up for the challenge of overcoming. Glad u made it through the hurricane. That fallen tree looks like a giant overgrown bush lol

What are your other dreams like? How have they changed through life?

It's amazing how hard alcohol will fight to be a part of you, especially when it knows its lost and you have taken control. You could be ready for an advanced level of control tools.
Tai chi: A gentle way to fight stress
Tai chi helps reduce stress and anxiety. And it also helps increase flexibility and balance.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-li...i/art-20045184
Some times background sounds help when your trying to sleep.
https://www.youtube.com/results?sear...eep+relaxation

I appreciate it! Yea those trees are all around the neighborhood every few houses.

I actually just took a walk around the neighborhood this morning with Booboo (my mini pin) and saw that they are cleaning up the debris. I passed by a few piles of tree branches, and even saw a roofing tile.

When it comes to dreams I have always been fascinated by the notion that they are our subconscious fears and worries, hopes and aspirations, trying to organize themselves so that they can be brought forth to your conscious with coherent understandability.

I have many more remembered nightmares from throughout my life than dreams. I'll share with you the one that caused an impact on my waking life, because this might help you to understand more deeply my current situation with night terrors.

He we go:

I remember as a child, perhaps 7 years old I had my first haunting nightmare.

I was in an elevator with my maternal Aunt Rita, my baby twin sisters (3 years younger) Megan and Morgan, and some insignificant rift raft.

The elevator was old, and had a dark mucky green hue to the paint, like the side of a dumpster. Upon entering the elevator, the left and right sides had benches and the back side had toilets. In the corners were counters for setting objects on. This was a large elevator.

My Aunt was changing Morgans diaper on the counter while Megan was in her car seat on the bench. The toilet made a loud swishing sound, and immediately following that sound a monster came out of the toilet and took my sister Morgan.

As I mentioned, this I remember causing a phobic fear of the sound of flushing toilets, well into my early teen years.

If I was in a bathroom stall in public it was terrifying, and I had begun having accidents in school pretty regularly afterwards.

My mother took me to a shrink, but I remember it was in the same room with my step brother who had also been acting out. He was my abuser and I believe that's why the nightmares started.

I would also pee the bed because I began to fear the dark.

My sisters and I shared a room and a bunk bed. The top was mine, a twin mattress. The bottom was theirs, a full size mattress.

I believed that when the lights were turned off that my sisters were possessed by monsters so if I went to climb down in the dark they would eat me.

So over the years I had been more inclined to keep hidden the things that haunted me most, which are perhaps my nightmares.

I often find myself a prisoner of my anxiety. It follows me into my most vulnerable time, warping my past torment into renewed emotional injury.

As I have regained my strength in this waking life, I have begun to wonder if my pain goes much deeper than even I know.

I will be inquiring into insurance plans today, as it has become increasingly apparent I must seek medical advice in these situations.

As my anxiety prepares me for the worst, I fight with my better judgment. Something that can be hard to find when perceptual reality is in play.

I'm hoping that if I am able to uncover whatever I have suppressed, and truly overcome it, then I will be an exceptional step closer to being where I want to be in my heart.

Hope that wasn't too much!



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This sounds like a really good idea! I've started to exercise more, and this could be a good fit, thanks

And I feel that although my addiction will always be something in my life, it doesn't have to control my life, I can let my higher power do that


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I'm thinking once I get my health all figured out, I'm going to hike the Appalachian Trail.

I've always wanted to do a thru hike, which is estimated at about 6 months give or take and over 2000 miles.

In case I never mentioned this, prior to moving out to California back in 2013 from Baltimore, I was as prepared as I could be to hike the Appalachian Trail.

This was mostly just a whim at the time, something I developed a desire for while wishing to vanish completely from everything I had known.

Over the last few years it has become more of a goal, something that was once unattainable because of all my life choices up to this one.

I don't think I would have made it back then, but I really think I could do this now. Physically and mentally I am more prepared.

Thru season to start in Georgia and head north begins in early spring. The idea is to get to Maine before it gets too cold.

I might do a section hike the first time, thinking if I can get into school for January semester then I could take the following semester off to hike as much as I can before coming back for school.

Hey, anything you set your mind too, right?

Have a great day guys

Doing that would be so cool way better than a peanut butter, bacon, and tomato samwich!

I have quit smoking cigarettes for a week so far.

I started smoking when I was 12 or so, and at 24 years old that means I've smoked half my life.

That's all the time I want to allow for such a loving and nasty habit.

I've always enjoyed smoking, at least the habit of it. I think the stability of smoking is what has kept me hooked for so long.

I can't imagine being the only one to feel this way about it.

Nonetheless, I'm making a health choice for my benefit

Let's hope I can stick with it.

In other news, the nightmares have finally stopped! I believe stress was the culprit, allowing my nightmares to trigger panic attacks in my sleep, causing the night terrors to resurface for a time.

I've noted an increase in happiness, and a decline in anxiety since redirecting my spare time to prayer and meditation.

It's honestly amazing the way you feel after allowing yourself to believe in something bigger than yourself.

My boyfriend and I watched a Science channel show about the Multiverse the other day. I've always been profoundly fascinated by the idea that we are infinite on a scale incomprehensible to anyone other than (in my particular beliefs) a collective greater consciousness. That whatever can be thought to happen, and even more infinite than that, is happening, will happen, or has already happened.

It makes me feel like my life is about more than these addictions I'm overcoming and these lessons that I'm learning.

Life is like a class where you learn about thinking, so you can one day think about thinking with the best of them.

Or maybe it's all a joke

Gl with the no smoking, I'm a little over a year cig and nicotine free.

Highly suggested read : Allen Carr's easy way to stop smoking. I read it about two weeks into quitting and it really helped.

Haven't posted in this thread in awhile but I've been following since the beginning. I'm happy to see things have really improved for you.

Glglgl

Thanks! I'll definitely look into reading that book because yesterday my (cheap) vape decided to stop working, and after a week of chewing the nicotine gum it's giving me heartburn and indigestion :

Long story short, I caved and am puffing on a Jazz flavored Black & Mild.

I'm happy you still follow even though I'm less of a train wreck <3

I must point out that I can finally say I have healthy relationships with everyone in my life.

This morning I am especially grateful for the relationships I have rebuilt with my little sisters.

Out of all the bad feelings I managed to muster into my life, one of the worst ones had to be feeling like I let my sisters down. I felt like I abandoned them, and in a way I suppose I did.

I abandoned a lot of things in my search for oblivion.

The thoughts that once graced my mind,
They tumble like a slinky down the stairs,
Careless and clumsy,
Through life I walked this way.

I was starving for a connection to anything in the end,

Praying for salvation,
Without faith that I deserve it.

What a curious thing,
To live life for all the things you hate,
While running from that which you love,
Only to be left alone in silence.

I have 15 months of sobriety.

I found the light at the end of the tunnel and kept running until I found what I was searching for.

I appreciate all the things I have today that we're only hopes and dreams not that long ago.

Ok so I'm sure some of you are familiar with the pokerfraudalert radio show, and some may be familiar with the (horrendous) interview I did with them when I first started this thread back in Vegas lol

Well, it's been arranged for me to be back on the radio show November 2nd at 7:30 PT

If you have any questions about anything, or would just like to say your piece, tune in and/call in <3 hope to hear from some of you guys!

Sorry to anyone who tuned in to listen to me seeing as how I slept through the interview.

I suppose this may tarnish my reputation, but the circumstances were a bit too strenuous with our time difference.

Either way, I do apologize because it was poor form to miss the interview and I hope this does not reflect poorly on Druff or the PokerFraudAlert show.

On a positive note, the interview is rescheduled for next week. Although I do understand if everyone just thinks I'm going to flake, but I did that to myself :P

Cheers! Hope everyone is well

Could you link the old interview?

I believe the interview starts about 2 hours in. And just a forewarning, it's not that flattering of an interview .. and yet here's the link :P

http://pokerfraudalert.com/forum/sho...e-Spring-of-63

Interview is rescheduled for this Wednesday show, will post link to show afterwards for anyone who might want to listen after

Hope everyone is doing good!

Don't forget to smile, life is short so appreciate everything while you can. Never know when you'll lose it