Nice post.

I am not a psychiatrist, but remember the part where you said you can control your actions but not others'... Remember that, and feel no shame for what others did to you when you were young. Easier said than done, I know. But it was other people who were 100% in the wrong.

Sorry that people are such *******s, fwiw I wish I was there to help during any one of those instances in your life.

Get that help, home girl.

And as much as it sucks because drinking socially is fun - get sober now. Let yesterday be your last day of drinking. You're a person of value and you don't deserve trouble and others evil intentions.

One of the best ways to protect yourself from these risk is to be sober, have your wits about you and keep some pepper spray handy for the parking garage.

I'm really serious about this one; no one wants to see you get hurt or taken advantage of again and there is a lot of empathy for your misfortune and pain. However you have to take control of your reality and prevent others from controlling and damaging it by being intoxicated.

I'm giving you the advice I'd give my own sisters. You don't have to stop smoking, but if you don't stop drinking and letting that put you in ill situations, you will find the rabbit hole continue without a bottom

I wish you the best of luck in your recovery and implore you to take advantage of whatever therapy or counseling you would be most comfortable with. Let this be the turning point upward and not the beginning of another Vegas tragedy. Once again though, only you, Amanda, can take control of your life and choose to not put yourself in risky and/or dangerous positions.

Keep in touch with us - the last thing I would like to see now is you disappear if you find this thread/blog a source of release or support.

EDIT: If that cacksucker who did this to you reads this thread - stay hidden in the shadows you coward. You're a real piece of scum ball-less puss and you'll get what's coming to you in life. It may not come back directly to you right away but preying on young woman in Vegas is going to come back to haunt your ass, believe that.

I'm going to start going to the counseling being offered to me so that I can work on building the strength and willpower I need in order to maintain sobriety.

You're certainly right that it's overly apparent that I do not have much of a choice when it comes to removing alcohol from my life, I feel as though almost every unwanted outcome has been related to the devil inside the bottle, and I know I can be stronger than I have been.

Believe it or not, there is nothing I want more in my life than to be sober. I've been sober, and my life is much better when I am.

This is something I'm working on, and yes I will not be drinking anymore. Probably just going to stop everything to be honest, I don't need drugs or alcohol, they've just become a habit in my life, one that has no reward for me anymore since I'm sure I've all but chased the Dragon away..

Good for you! Honestly I'll be more interested in your life progress than how much you win or lose at the tables (though that will also be interesting considering all you're going through/been through). This can be a year of great growth but each day is going to be a struggle in self-development, like it is for us all. Unfortunately it's harder when you have pre-programed vices you have to disengage from. Finding friends who engage in healthy activities when they are away from the casino and scheduling activities (to keep busy but to also to find new hobbies and interest to partake in that you may enjoy that you never knew you did before).

Oh and whatever you do, don't start anything new on Mondays. Mondays suck as is and make the first week seem daunting. I never follow through with any new self-development task that I start on a Monday. I end up blowing it off because F Mondays... and F Tuesday's too, they are very Mondayish

Just focus on beating Trooper on page count and all will be well, one page at a time girlfriend!!

Bullcrap. The best day to start a new endeavor that will lead to self-improvement is NOW. When I say now I mean RIGHT FREAKING NOW. If you don't start now you'll never start.

I'm a case in point. For years I struggled with nicotine addiction. Even quit for a time. Then stresses in life got to me and I'd start again.

Finally I had enough. I was driving home from work on a Friday afternoon where I decided to smoke my final cigarette. I met my girlfriend for drinks and dinner and felt a level of peace I hasn't experienced in a long time. That was 15 months ago and I haven't had the urge to even have a single puff. (For those of you who are interested in finding out how I quit smoking, feel free to PM me).

Sorry for the thread derail. To OP, your latest post brought a big smile to my face. I'm glad to hear you're going to face your demons. Best of luck to you, both personally and professionally.

Exactly DeathCab, she can start today (Friday) don't wait for Monday to start something new was the point, because often people will say I'll just wait until Monday and start after the weekend.

Also at the very end I was just trying to put a little humor twist on it so it wasn't such a lecture

Ahhh 10-4. Still trying to dust of the cobwebs this AM haha

I don't think this thread's attention is all that much about Amanda being female, or at least not only that. She's a decent writer and she's very engaged in her own thread, so it started off an interesting read.

But now it's clear that she's not being a degen for a TR, she's actually, sad to say, a real degen. A degen with a background story, but a degen. And for that reason this thread is no longer any fun, so, personally, I'm not going to read further, and I think a case can be made that the thread should be locked.

Amanda, it's hard to get kicked out of a poker room. You've done it twice?

You're drunk, your opponents are sober, you're getting kicked out, but they're the idiots?

This thread is not about poker. There's no chance you'll make it in poker. I'm not being negative. This is the equivalent of you telling me I'm not making it in the NBA.

But there's no white knighting to be done here, or at least not by anyone not named Trooper, and most likely not by him, either, because in truth, people white knight themselves, from within, or they go under.

And although I first thought the comparisons to Brandi were ridiculous, now I'm not so certain.

Good luck, though. Would be awesome if one day I have to laugh at myself for being a moron ITT when you rack up your fifth bracelet.

And in the meantime, you can, even sober, call me an idiot. Me, the other players in your games, the dealers, the floor staff who boot you, the waitresses who cut you off, all freaking idiots, all of us.

In before trooper writes a post about his stuff being stolen & sold and before Skalanski talks about ****ing goats.

Best comment in the thread.

I agree, you are a survivor. So far. You come across as articulate, intelligent and charming. But no white knight no matter how well-intentioned, can help you through the path you're on.

Sign up for AA, get your counselling, avail yourself of a professional support system. And please, stay safe.

Have you ever tried to drink in moderation?

OP I was hoping you could answer a few questions for me. Sorry if some might be too personal for you. Obviously you don’t have to answer them if you don’t want to.

1. Besides poker, what attracted you to Vegas?
2. Where do you want to be in 5 years?
3. Are you in Vegas to just have fun or are you in Vegas to work towards a bigger goal? (Nothing wrong with either answer btw.)
4. When you gamble for income (poker, blackjack, sports, video poker) do you keep an accurate count of wins and losses? If not, why not? And if so, can you tell us how you’ve done since you came here?
5. Can you elaborate on how money “makes it’s way to you?”
6. You have a long history of being assaulted by other people. I can’t imagine what that’s like and I’m sorry you had to live through that. I’ve heard that in many cases people who were abused growing up will tend to seek out abusive people to form relationships with. Do you think that’s true in your case?
7. What do you think of 2+2’s reaction to you so far?
8. You’ve called yourself an addict. What steps are you taking to address your additions and make sure they don’t consume or derail your life?
9. Are you a happy person? What makes you happy? If not, do you think you’re on the right path to being happy?
10. You mentioned that you found your “root cause of destruction.” What is it? What steps are you going to take to combat it?

I’m trying to avoid being like everyone else and not tell you what to do, but I just want to make two suggestions:

1. If you were drugged and assaulted last night, I think you should report it to the police. You need to get what happened to you on record. And you need them to collect all the evidence they can and follow as many leads as they can. I know it might be a long shot, but there’s still a chance this person could get caught. If you were in or around a casino with someone his face WILL be on camera and the police WILL try to find him. And if this person gets caught later on doing the same thing, this scumbag will get taken off the streets even longer. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for the next girl he targets.
2. When a person breaks a leg, they go to the doctor to get it fixed. It would be incredibly stupid of that person to grab a 2x4, tie it around his leg, and expect it to get better. In the same way, if you feel like you have a mental “break,” whether it is addiction, depression, or past demons, do yourself a favor and go see a professional. Like a doctor, there are professionals out there who have spent their lives developing the tools and education to get you better. If you really do want to get better, give yourself as much of a chance as possible and rely on the help of professionals.

Thanks for sharing your life with us. And I think I speak for everyone here when I say that I like the heck out of you and I want the best for you. Keep posting, and good luck!

If I ever start a micro brew I am calling one of the brands "In Moderation"

Amanda, I think that's OP's name, I'm going to give you the most serious and realest advice anyone is ever going to give to you. While I was being a little facetious in my post of "predicting the OP has a lot of life run-good" it's not cool if someone gets their drink Mickey'd nor if someone is by themselves in Vegas just flat out hammered to the point they black out and break themselves.

I'm 31 now, grew up 15 mins from Baltimore, in a complete horror of a childhood. My estranged parents both struggled with addiction. My father was murdered in Baltimore by a drug kingpin's boys for owed debt when I was 6. I watched my mom and everyone in my immediate family go through unspeakable horrors related to drugs and violence and it took a lot of my own self will to get away from that (so I thought). Even though I went to college, got a degree, got a real job, I still couldn't escape what I perceived as a *normal* life due to what I grew up around. This was the selling and trafficking of substances and all of the by-product that came with that fast lifestyle. And when I was in my mid 20s, I'd see someone like you.... a "dreamer" young and impressionable, and for my own amusement and maintaining what I thought was a "baller/part time coke dealer" lifestyle I'd use your "dreamer nature" and chase of the fast lifestyle to my favor and get whatever I wanted from someone like you until you eventually became a nuisance and I'd move onto the next one. Not to degrade you, and sorry if it's coming off that way, but I was a complete POS in my early-mid 20s and I had access to everything that someone with your background would flock to. The fast life, fast car, house in the city and a beach house, trips to gamble in AC on the weekend, always carried 2-4k cash on me at any given time, spending it as fast as I made it. Eventually there comes a point when that life gets old. (A lot of it recently I detail in my personal thread on page 3 or 4).

For me it was when I was repeatedly ducking cops, getting robbed by neighborhood thugs who loved robbing drug dealers, sub-coming to my own addictions, losing money left and right due to bad investments, and I'd get on the whole "Woe is me" soapbox and "why do bad things keep happening to me" to anyone who would listen. In June of 2012 I was robbed in a botched "deal" that left me being kidnapped 30 miles away from my house, robbed for almost all the money I had to my name, and being beaten in the face with a gun to the point it broke almost my entire front row of upper teeth. It was around 28 when I received the best advice I was ever given from a complete stranger:

And that stuck with me forever. Every time something bad happened to me, it wasn't just bad luck, or horrible people, it was the horrible energy and the life I was living that attracted unfortunate circumstance after circumstance. That didn't change until I made a decision to change and say screw this, I'm not going to live like this anymore. Lucky for me, I never had a problem getting a job, as I have an extensive set of skills (1 1/2 years of culinary school in addition to my Bachelors in business), I sold cars quite successfully for 3 years, and worked my way up to management in 3 different fortune 50 companies (all while being a complete degenerate on the nights and weekends). I say that to say this....

....There's no shame in putting a dream on the backburner while you acquire skills in your early adulthood that will pay off in the future in case your plans fall through. Working the "corporate ladder" making legit business connections all across the county, and now working in advertising, I'll never have a problem getting a job if this poker thing doesn't work out. But for women like you, I've seen the pattern all too well...

1) Young girl "with a dream" gets by through her early 20s on the merit of others favors (...free rent, allowance from a dope boy boyfriend/sugar daddy/drug dealer)
2) She in turn learns no accountability because the penalty for her bad decision making never affects her to the point to where her "sponsor" cuts her off
3) She repeats bad decision making until said relationship is over with..
4) She finds a new sucker with the whole "woe is me, my ex/everyone in my life has treated me like crap" gimmick
5) A new white knight steps into place
6)...no accountability cycle continues (repeat steps 2-5 for 10+ years)

7).... CURVE-BALL!! .... Now you're in your late 20s - early 30s.... but you have a kid or two now. Now you have baggage that you can't take care of because you wasted your whole years where most people your age were acquiring skills to function in life like a responsible and stable adult.

8) Now you're stuck in this typical Vegas girl lifestyle, repeating steps 1-5 but it's a lot harder now. It's been 10 years, couple that with the drugs and alcohol and guess what..... your good looks are fading, and your decision making skills have never gotten better. Now it's a lot harder to find #5

9) ....now you're really stuck. Finding a supporter is getting harder and harder, after all.... there's a new 21 year old "girl with her head in the clouds" turning 21 everyday and moving to Vegas with dreams of the fast life. .....Dreams. .....Dreams ....with no real plan. and without plans, Dreams are just that. A dream.

You seem to be smart enough to eloquently put your thoughts together in a public forum, so I'll take it that deep down, you know you have some things to get better on. Just take it from another hometown kid keeping it 110% with you, if you don't start making changes and dealing with life like a real adult, it's all downhill from here.

Take it from someone that's been there. It sucks starting completely over from scratch when you're 30. Take Care and Good luck for real. And sorry for being a dicc, but someone has to give you tough love.

What attracted me to Vegas was the WSOP. I doubt I would have ever moved here if I did not play poker. Aside from poker, the people and pretty lights caught my attention too

In 5 years I want to be able to say I made it. In life, in self development, in Poker.

My goal in Vegas is to win a bracelet, I'm not leaving until I do. I have no doubt that I will make it.

I do keep records of my poker sessions, I don't keep records of other gambling because I am not planning on making a living counting cards, and I don't play often enough for the wins/losses to make a huge difference. For the record, I don't play video poker to make money, mostly I play to have fun and yes I do feel like I'm winning but whether I am or not is not important to me because again, I'm not trying to turn those games into a career. It is extremely doubtful I'll play VP if I'm not drinking, so I'll kill 2 birds w/ one stone by putting the bottle down.
The comments about me winding up like the girl Brandi I have ignored because relating negatively to a girl who seemed to be going through a lot more than she could cope with is poor form. I'm also not sure why you would even foreshadow something like that.

I'm winning at poker so far, aside from losing $500 at PH. I'm not even sure if I can count that as a session because I don't remember playing...

Pass.

Pass.

I think the reaction from 2+2, as well as my friends and family for sharing this has been better than I expected. I've been told many times over that by sharing everything that I have has helped those who are going through similar struggles who feel as though they have no support, I'm doing this for them.

I've been an addict for half my life. I'm making sure I have support for when I don't feel strong, and I am accepting of the mistakes I've made and continue to make without letting myself just say "**** it" because when I'm honest with myself I know I still have a chance to make right all of my wrongs.. before I would let the guilt of my mistakes send me down the dark side of my past. I had a tendency to turn a cut into a gaping wound, now I just let it heal.

I am very happy and optimistic about life. My entire life I've been told I'm never gonna make by people who should have been helping me. The funny thing is, the more I'm told I can't do something, the more I want to do it. This use to be my biggest weakness, yet I've turned it into my biggest strength and that makes me proud of who I'm becoming. There is not a day that goes by where I don't love myself, and I smile every day I'm given a chance to wake up.

As for your advice, I had a full examination, if I choose to file it with the police I have 30 days as a Jane doe. This is my choice, it is something I've already been through so in knowing what to expect after I begin to pursue it, for this I'm not sure I can. But it's a choice I make with my own personal interest in mind, as everyone who is faced with a decision like this must. And I'm not responding to the second half of your advice..

I can't fight your battle til I'm finished with mine -Atmosphere

foatie wins the thread.

I can get a job whenever I want, that is why I'm not afraid of failure, because if this poker thing doesn't work out, I can go back to normalcy.

The thing is, "normal life" by societies standards is the reason I've struggled so much. I Don't enjoy it.

I've made investments in my best friends music promotions company, and have gained management experience from my previous job where I managed an import/export car parts warehouse.

I understand where you're coming from, but I can promise ALL of you that I am not anything like those girls. Maybe the irony meant in the title of my thread was lost on those who don't know me, call it me being facetious

There's already a beer called "Responsibly" -- Please drink responsibly, etc.

Amanda, I'm not going to offer any solutions as it seems as though there are plenty of people here that have said what I would say anyways. I know that no one here wants to hear that you're being abused, or heading down that path. All the best.

Hopefully I can see you at the tables one day with a glass of water stacking someone (ideally not me). Until that day, please take care of yourself. And disregard Semihat's post. For alcoholics there is no such thing as moderation.

Cheers.

NP, GL

I'm not in the business of saving lives, just stacking chips and making $$. See you at the tables.

Any plans for the weekend? Some cash games or tourneys?

Looks like I've been proven wrong.

This is a story people have heard countless times. People come out to make it big but fail to accept reality when they don't. Years down the road when this life falls apart and the girl can't get by based on her looks, there's no concrete backup plan. Their lack of work experience makes them unemployable for all but the most menial of tasks.

People definitely aren't wrong for comparing this to Brandi because the story is beginning in the same exact way. An unstable person with a horrid past goes to Vegas, uses her looks to get sponsors with deep pockets but gets swept up in the pitfalls that ruin so many others.

You'll get whatever you deserve in the end OP. Given your vices, poor decision-making and unwillingness to heed advice from more experienced people, your chances of success are about as close to zero as one could get.

the success rate is way higher than that, if u define success more broadly. ive barely got over $10k to my name, and only making $14 an hour, but im certainly a "success". why am i a success? because i sleep indoors every night instead of outside, get NOTHING from the govt or any other sourse, and yet still never go broke, or run out of buyins. im doing what i love and not letting anyone control and tell me what to do. and its a lot lot more than id make working a regular job. and ive stood the test of time for 20+ of playing.

for those with dirt cheap expenses, poker is one of the easiest and better opportunites. for those with thousands of dollars in moonthly bills, then it dont work out so well.

yes i told her about Carmen in a direct message on twitter. carmen told me on facebook at the time that the reason she quit her blog so her parole officer and employer wouldnt discover it and is doing fine today. i suggested she find her and meet her since they are both from the baltimore area. im pretty sure she is now a free woman off the probation.parole.