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Old 02-11-2017, 10:35 PM   #2326
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

You have energy and that is a definite positive. I think anything you can see as a positive is going to help you through this low period. When I have had low periods sometimes it is the littlest thing that makes me feel a tiny bit better, it's just keeping yourself open to seeing those little things that is important.
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Old 02-12-2017, 10:18 PM   #2327
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

jmakin,

Sounds like you anxiety is peaking due to a solar flare of difficult school work. This too shall pass. Hang in there.

Don't look at ex's facebooks, IG, etc. You know better. Nothing but pain there bro.
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Old 02-13-2017, 12:46 PM   #2328
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Yea, I've been trying to trace back when this started. I think it was when I had back to back tests in my other two classes, then I have this big exam tomorrow (which is a true midterm, worth as much as the final), and then another test this friday. On top of a project that was due last night, a project due tomorrow I haven't even looked at and haven't been to that class in a week (I have all day after my exam to finish it though) and then a math assignment due wednesday that I should be able to finish. The assignment should be solid prep for the friday exam which the professor says will be easy.

Then next week I have basically nothing. No big exams coming til the 26th I think and even that one I don't think will be that bad. It will be such a breather. I remember weeks 5-6 being horrible last quarter too.

I did get some good news though. My first project in my hard class that I got a D on, the TA emailed me and said he looked at my code manually and found some slight errors that were basically typos and asked me if I'd like to schedule an appointment with him. I was like umm **** yea. Most awesome TA ever. Then on my database project, I got a 95%, and my math test I got a 96%. I'm fairly certain on my database test that I got an A as well.

So I'm still in the clear but I feel like I'm lagging really far behind and just scraping by barely. I've barely been working, I don't even want to look at my bank account balance right now. I've also almost been forgetting trivial **** like bills and due dates and I'm having to set reminders for myself everywhere. My memory is off the charts bad right now.

Oh, and I'm going to be an uncle so that's cool.
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Old 02-14-2017, 09:21 AM   #2329
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Went to bed extremely anxious because I had studied about 8 hours yesterday and took 20ish pages of notes, ended the evening with my brain fuzzy and the concepts not nailed down.

Got up at 4am to study more and prepare my notes for class, nailed everything down extremely quickly and everything feels clear and I still have 3 hours til the test. That's why I don't like to study into late hours, I'd rather go to bed early, let it digest a little, and wake up fresh to review before the exam. I think that's a good study habit. Cramming late and when you're tired, it's just never going to sink in.

after the exam, i have about 8 hours to finish my database project, then I'm going to ****ing rest. Tomorrow have a lot to do as well but I'm taking tonight off for sure.
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Old 02-14-2017, 09:41 AM   #2330
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I've always been mildly surprised that I can stare at a concept for several hours and not get it, only to have it click into place when waking up after sleep. I've done this literally hundreds of times in my academic and professional careers but it mildly surprises me every time.
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Old 02-14-2017, 01:04 PM   #2331
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Yeah the brain processes stuff while you sleep I think. I think I did OK, there were three questions and one i know I completely nailed, one had two parts and I think the second part I missed completely, and then the last one I think I got mostly right but made a small error somewhere that I didnt want to try to figure out because we were supposed to do it in pen for some insane reason.

So I probably got a B or a high C, which I'd be really happy with
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Old 02-14-2017, 01:07 PM   #2332
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

A little annoyed because I found a resource on the Stanford website that he takes literally all of his material from, they had a sample midterm and I knew he would steal questions from it and he did, but the question I didnt know was the one I skipped over because I thought it was out of the scope of what was taught
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Old 02-14-2017, 02:43 PM   #2333
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Wow I looked up the solutions and I may have gotten everything mostly right
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Old 02-14-2017, 04:55 PM   #2334
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

J,

Whoa what a shocker.
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Old 02-14-2017, 05:51 PM   #2335
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

i'm unable to decipher the level of snarkiness in that reply but I'm a little worried he'll think I cheated or something because one of my answers is exactly like on the midterm solution. Ironically, I didn't even look at that one, it just ended up the same.

almost done with my relational algebra/calculus assignment, which was way easier than i thought it'd be, then i'm going to spend the rest of valentine's day playing cards, video games, and getting drunk.

i'm feeling much better after this string of successes. the proff said first day that this course was widely considered the most difficult in the major, and if that's the case, the rest of this degree won't be so bad

Last edited by jmakin; 02-14-2017 at 05:56 PM.
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Old 02-14-2017, 06:34 PM   #2336
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I read El o El's comment as reacting to your usual behavioral paradigm, which is to say intense anxiety and insecurity followed by great success. We don't doubt your sincerity, just your realism.
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Old 02-17-2017, 10:54 PM   #2337
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I realize that, but I have been seriously slacking. I am not invulnerable and one of these days it'll catch up to me. I'm very aware of that.

My study habits have been piss poor. But, I am encouraged because I got a 93% on my database midterm and I know I did well on the midterm I took tuesday. However, I have not been to the database class in two weeks. I don't feel the need really, but I never do that.

I should be ok. I think I aced my math test today. Got a few projects due monday/tuesday that I haven't started, and then I shouldn't feel a crunch again until the friday after next, when I have a double midterm day. I've never had two in one day before. Luckily one is math and I don't really study much for those. Today's test I didn't even study at all and I'm glad I didn't because it was basically just really annoying arithmetic.
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Old 02-18-2017, 04:32 PM   #2338
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

My TA for compilers regraded my D- project and it's now an A. So sick
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Old 02-19-2017, 01:08 PM   #2339
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

First day I've woken up in weeks where I haven't felt sad, lethargic, or angry. I had a lot of crazy dreams last night but none were too horrible. I slept about 12 hours because I've been taking anxiety medication the last few nights and they konk me out. Not sure if that's what's helping but damn did I really need a good night's sleep, I've been running on anywhere from 3-6 hours for months now. I think I need about 6-7 to function properly but I have termination insomnia. If i wake up at any point after 3 am, that's it. I'm up for the rest of the day.

My therapist appointment is Tuesday, and I am still trying to figure out what the hell to tell her about what's going on with me. I'll just tell her I've basically been depressed since I was 17, to varying degrees, the meds help but I have depression spikes at certain times of the year, and my anxiety never really went away. I'm basically 100% of the time uncomfortable in some way. I also want to start to learn how to control my emotions, I've never been good at it, and anger is an emotion that I feel pretty frequently. My last therapist was completely useless with advice about that. I'll start with that stuff and she'll probably refer me to a MD but I also want counseling. I also want to try to start making friends. I am not good at starting conversations with people and have a considerable amount of social anxiety.

My roommate who moved in a few months ago told me he's been struggling with depression and anxiety lately and I encouraged him to go to a doctor. He knows I take meds and they help me a lot so I think that's what got him to talk to me about it. I hope he's doing ok. Everyone who is around me for long periods of time seem to end up depressed.

What gets me irritated is that I see all I can accomplish even with all this stuff going on with me and it makes me wonder what I could do if I was actually not bogged down by my stupid ****ing brain imbalances.

Last edited by jmakin; 02-19-2017 at 01:16 PM.
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Old 02-20-2017, 04:54 PM   #2340
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

we're halfway through writing a simple compiler in my class and I finished my project today and it works perfectly. I was banging my head against a wall for the last 2 days and I had a eureka moment when I went for a walk and a cigarette.

I'm so happy right now, it's cool building something like this. I wish more classes were hands on. If I had to specialize in an area post grad-wise, I really like this sub-area of CS. Languages/compilation/interpreters etc. There's another class after this one, I'm kind of tempted to take it although I'm sure it's really hard and probably approaches graduate level material.
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Old 02-20-2017, 10:49 PM   #2341
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

therapist appointment in the AM. nervous.
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Old 02-21-2017, 09:47 PM   #2342
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

how did the appointment go?
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Old 02-21-2017, 09:51 PM   #2343
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

What's to be nervous about?
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Old 02-22-2017, 01:45 AM   #2344
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by Howard Treesong View Post
What's to be nervous about?
When I was 18 I saw the school counselor in a very similar situation and she had me detained because she thought I was a threat to myself and I ended up having to drop out and I never went back to school until 4 years ago

Quote:
Originally Posted by clout View Post
how did the appointment go?
It went okay, she wanted me to explain a lot of stuff about what happened in the last few years and seemed pretty taken aback by all the stuff that happened ~1.5 years ago with my grandparents dying, the kate breakup, and the abortion thing. She asked me what the most traumatic things that have happened in the last few years were and I told her it was mainly those events that I was still reeling from and when my dad died. Then she asked me how my dad dying was traumatic and I didn't really know how to answer other then that I was there when it happened. She asked what goals I had for therapy and I said I don't want to be considered an ******* anymore, I want to make friends and be less isolated, and I want to deal with my grief finally.

A lot of basic history stuff. I'm fairly certain she was younger than me but I like her well enough. She's referring me out but I may see her again because it could take me a month or two to get plugged in somewhere. She recommended a combination of therapy and a psychiatrist to monitor my medications or maybe try new ones. She said she was concerned that I don't have a support system and that it's good I am seeking to plug into therapy.

There's a waiting list and since my case isn't really urgent I was put on the school's waiting list, and also referred out. I'll just take whatever opens up first I guess is the plan. so I need to make a bunch of phone calls in the next few days, which I really don't want to do or have the energy to do, and figure out how the hell to get my new insurance ID card through my school's health insurance plan.

Last edited by jmakin; 02-22-2017 at 01:50 AM.
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Old 02-22-2017, 01:46 AM   #2345
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Today I spent trying to figure out my database assignment and I don't think I did a very good job. Figured out 9/10 problems and I know one wasn't right and I think I may have butchered 2-3 other ones. I'm a little lost in that class right now and worried.

Then I had a few drinks and crashed for 4 hours because today was so exhausting, now I'm wide awake
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Old 02-22-2017, 05:09 AM   #2346
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

oh my god the next week's schedule is even worse than the last few weeks have been

project in compilers due next wednesday. Actually started way ahead of time but the project is really, really ****ing confusing. Will need to actually go to discussion/lab on friday to get help.

Project in databases due next tuesday. Same week as exam, **** you proff. More of what I didn't really understand today. Will need to spend most of the next week studying this stuff.

Huge math assignment due next wednesday.

Math test Friday, Databases test next friday

How?

I work thursdays, saturdays, sundays. I can get a lot done on sundays but saturday I work 9-5 and I basically can't study at night, let alone after a shift. I'm too tired/irritated to even try. So my best bet time-wise is to go to bed super early saturday and get up at like 3am to study til I work on sunday.

That's all I got. Trying to get next thursday off, and it doesn't look good. If no one covers, I may need to appeal to my boss. He's been kind of a dickbag lately, he punished my favorite deckhand for something tiny that no one gets in trouble for by taking away his shift with me, thereby punishing me. But, I let him know that he was taking away one of my most crucial deckhands and he may feel like he owes me one. I don't know. There's no way I can work next thursday.

Last edited by jmakin; 02-22-2017 at 05:25 AM.
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Old 02-22-2017, 05:15 AM   #2347
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

My DB proff is funny and interesting but is trying a little too hard to be cute with the assignments/course by roleplaying that our DB we've been simulating is twitter and we're dealing with Trump/Hillary twitter accounts and Russian shills. It's not landing with me.

Here's the next assignment:

Quote:
1. Stored Procedures [40pts]
As a number of you have already observed, all is not right with the set of Chirps in the
database. In fact, they look almost randomly generated…! ( ☺ ) The CTO of TopicalBirds.com is
worried that Russian hackers have been targeting the company, and she wants to tighten up
the security and integrity of the database to prevent further intrusions. As a step in that
direction, you have been asked to write a pair of stored procedures to support the site’s web
pages for chirping and for parroting chirps. Once these stored procedures are in place, the
CTO will revoke everyone’s INSERT privileges on the Chirp table and make the stored
procedures the only way to add new chirps by granting execution access (only) for the
procedures instead.
I got an A on the last midterm but I know my last few assignments have been **** and unless he makes midterm 2 really easy I may not do so well in this course. I have seriously no idea what's going on.

Figuring out my schedule today for next quarter, I have no idea what to take. I need a probability course and then I can take 1 upper div CS course. That's only 8 units though so I'll take one of my last general ed courses, probably genocides after WW2. I don't wanna burn my "easy" GE so soon, but I have to. I have hardly any options.

Course availability is ****ing **** at this school for how much we pay for it.

Last edited by jmakin; 02-22-2017 at 05:24 AM.
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Old 02-22-2017, 04:59 PM   #2348
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Studied some math this morning and the good news is that this chapter is just basic combinatorics. Stuff I shouldn't really have to study much for. I'm going to prioritize heavily on my database stuff, then math, then compilers because that course is curved and I think I'm doing very well. Going to actually go to the compilers lab friday to get help because I don't wanna bug my friend too much with help on this assignment.

Also seems like there's a high likelihood I get a few days off. My energy is much higher in the last day and my sex drive seems like it's returning. maybe it's the end of the low

Last edited by jmakin; 02-22-2017 at 05:06 PM.
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Old 02-22-2017, 10:37 PM   #2349
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

That last post makes me wonder if low testosterone levels could be causing how I've been feeling, even down to the weird weight gain. What could cause a dip in testosterone?

Someone was telling me in HF lately that I have a lot of symptoms of diabetes. But i just got a blood test like a month ago, to see if my kidneys were handling my meds okay, and they'd catch that right?

Last edited by jmakin; 02-22-2017 at 10:47 PM.
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Old 02-24-2017, 06:43 PM   #2350
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Lol, we're doing probability problems and my professor mentioned she doesn't ask playing card related quesions on midterms because serious poker players have a natural advantage in this topic. Hahaha
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