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Old 10-07-2013, 04:40 PM   #176
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

This may seem obvious, but you don't need to justify the decision to end the relationship. If you're not happy and haven't been happy, even if you can't articulate why or how it might change, that's sufficient to make your decision. The other person may want an explanation, and you may wish you could give her one, but you shouldn't feel like you have to successfully defend yourself or the decision you've made.
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Old 10-07-2013, 05:56 PM   #177
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by jmakinmecrzy View Post
I mean it's obvious to anyone that we'll probably get back together. The question is whether I have the fortitude and soundness of mind to forgo that, and make a smart decision. What if I walk away from this and regret it years later? What if I never find anyone else like this? These are real fears I have.

But I was happy when I met her, and I am no longer happy. That is important, but I cannot tell if it is because of her or my own head.
I've disagreed with a lot of peoples opinions ITT prior to this with regard to what you should do with your girlfriend situation, as i think its part of an overall 2+2 mindset to make red flags out of fairly standard stuff.

However, in this case, you know absolutely what you should do, and you know exactly whats going to happen if you decide to get back together. You said you're vulnerable right now, and thats a ****ty way to feel, but you know you've made the right decision. People who are saying just move on like its nothing are dicks imo, this IS a big deal, at a tough time, but just know it'll get better eventually even if you have to weather this rough patch for a while.

You know its past salvaging, and you know that you don't have respect for each other, and this iterative cycle of withdrawing on both sides is showing through. There's wrong on both sides and getting back together immediately isn't going to fix this, there's a lack of emotional maturity that's not just going to materialize overnight.

Take time to clear your head before doing anything, you're hurt and emotionally drained right now, don't rush into something that you know is not right. It's not fair to yourself, and if its right, taking some time to yourself to think about it isn't going to change that.
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Old 10-07-2013, 09:16 PM   #178
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

What's happening with the will? I think this is worth pursuing now, just that we got stitched up in a similar way by my step grandma. Grandad owned the house, when he died left a will which said that she could live in it until she died, but then half would go to his family, and half to step grans,

Step grandmas daughter was executor of step grandmas will, somehow we end up with the cash value of what our share was worth 20 years ago instead of now and the rest went to step grans family.

My dad made the decision not to challenge it, because who need the drama, but it felt pretty ****ty.

Find out who the executors of your grandfathers will are and ask for a copy. Tell them you want to be able to plan for your long term future. If they don't give it to you, I'm sure there will be some way for you to get hold of it that a bit of googling will reveal.
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Old 10-07-2013, 10:15 PM   #179
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by jmakinmecrzy View Post
I don't have a lot of illusions about where this is going and i fully expect it to be better for a few weeks then fall apart again.
Why put yourself through the pain of this process?

Daddy Warbucks advice is spot-on. I feel for you mate, this **** always hurts and there's no way to get over it without allowing yourself to experience that hurt.
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Old 10-09-2013, 11:10 PM   #180
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

jmakin the girl is absolutely toxic.

If you wake up and punch yourself in the dick every morning it will be less painful than dragging out the (ultimate) breakup.

You are smart enough to know this. Just sack up and pull the cord.
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Old 10-20-2013, 03:22 PM   #181
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I think it's over for good now.

I realized last night that I'm being manipulated constantly in a huge way. It was so gradual and so subtle I didn't even realize it.

I'm done. I'm not gonna be held hostage to this chick anymore. I love her but **** it. This is insane. She's doing the whole routine now - threatening to kill herself, pleading, begging me to just come over and talk to her. I won't do it. I know what will happen - she'll promise the world, cry, and get me to cave again.

I can't get into it here ATM but I've gone too far now. I can't go back. I've never felt like such an enormous pussy in my life, and she preys on that. She'll say anything and she'll do anything. I'm legitimately worried about what she's gonna do now, so I locked all the doors and windows and am holed up at home for the time being. I feel like she's still not taking me very seriously - but I am completely done and I told her very candidly that we are done, I am through, and that I'm sorry. Trying not to leave any hope for the situation so she'll realize its through and move on with whatever guy she's probably got sidelined right now.
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Old 10-20-2013, 06:56 PM   #182
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Nice work Bud, I'm surprised that this has all come so quickly. It's obviously the right decision but it's almost never that easy to make when you are inside the chaos. Looks like you are maturely starting to get all your **** taken care of and going in a good direction. Btw, I think that sociopath diagnosis is BS, you just had some very bad things happen to you that stunted your development in certain social areas which made you have to worry about your own needs well above others'. Onward and upward
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Old 10-21-2013, 01:27 PM   #183
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

You know, lately, I've come to kinda dismiss the sociopath thing. I never took it all that seriously, it made some sense at the time, but I agree with you.

I haven't eaten or got out of bed since yesterday, got a ton of HW to do so I got some starbucks and a sandwich from my favorite bagel store. Hopefully will start to feel better soon.

I just want to say that cats are really cool. They're very intuitive creatures. I haven't really pet or allowed my cat into my room since I started dating this girl, since she's allergic. The cat's kinda gone AWOL since then and decides to spend most of her time outside. Today, though, I saw her, she followed me inside, and plopped right down in my lap. Usually she runs away from me.
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Old 10-21-2013, 03:55 PM   #184
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmi...ng_advice.html

Give it a read bro. There are a lot of great articles on Mens Health about getting over breakups too man. Just remember that the greatest healer of all is time.
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Old 10-21-2013, 04:03 PM   #185
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

jmakin you are pretty clearly not a sociopath.
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Old 10-21-2013, 04:12 PM   #186
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Great decision, and good luck. It's not often someone's truly able to step back and see a ****ty relationship for what it is until it's way too late.
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Old 10-21-2013, 07:39 PM   #187
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I am fine, just feel a little lost. I have realized the relationship wasn't good for a long time; I probably should have ended it the first time I tried back in June.

She always insisted things were perfect but her behavior and the things she'd say indicated otherwise. I've been reading a lot about manipulative/controlling relationships and a huge percentage of it really struck home. I always assumed (probably because my low self esteem) that i was sort of taking advantage of HER and "owed" her for the things she'd do for me. Looking back now I realize she definitely contributed to this mindset. Now, I'm sure I did a little manipulating on my own, but a large part of the relationship came down to keeping her happy and making sure she was constantly attended to.

She hasn't texted me. At all. Like, not even once. From looking at her FB it looks like she's totally fine - she even updated her status to "single" which is encouraging, because it backs up my suspicions that maybe this didn't as much to her as she said it did, but it stung a little as well. I guess on some level I liked feeling "needed" as much as I hated it. From here on out I will need to make solid efforts at improving my self esteem, because it is always something I've struggled with.

I think in a week or two, when I realize all the freedom I have from stress, worry, and extra freetime I've gained, I will feel a lot better. I spent the last day doing absolutely nothing, and it was glorious in a way. I don't want to have anyone to answer to but myself. Maybe someday I'll meet a girl that won't make me sacrifice my sense of self to be with her.

Probably sounds a little emo, but I have been through the ringer during the last few months with finances, death in the family, personal sickness, and dealing with this relationship ****. A good rest and maybe a little partying is in order. My grades are excellent, so if my school performance dips a bit, it won't be catastrophic.
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Old 10-21-2013, 08:29 PM   #188
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I'll share with you a blog post i randomly stumbled upon one day while i was going through a pretty emotional breakup

http://www.john-carlton.com/2013/01/...in-life-again/

There's plenty in there for you including

Quote:
I’ve been there. Several times. The year I turned 30 (for example) I lost my job, my girlfriend and my place to live all within a 45-day stretch.

That **** can wear you down.
Quote:
Choose this therapist carefully. You’re going to dump every secret you have on him. You may need to plow through a couple to find one that clicks with you (just as you might have to try out several dentists or plumbers to get a good match). (And yes, you should regard this therapist just as you would your dentist — they’re not gonna become your new best friend, but they will bring a professional expertise to the table during the time you need them. And you only need to see them until you get your head straight… which might be a short time or long time. Again — just like you may need serious dental work, or just a cleaning once a year. Figure it out.)
The book recommendation in there, for the book Learned Optimism, i would strongly encourage you to get it. Reading it completely changed my outlook on life (and its mostly presented in academic terms, not in a touchy feely self help style) and it will definitely help you with your feelings on self esteem.

Lastly, block/delete your gf on fb as soon as possible. Trust me on this one. Its a complete negative freeroll.
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Old 10-21-2013, 09:29 PM   #189
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by jmakinmecrzy View Post
I am fine, someday I'll meet a girl that won't make me sacrifice my sense of self to be with her.
This.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daddy Warbucks View Post
Lastly, block/delete your gf on fb as soon as possible. Trust me on this one. Its a complete negative freeroll.
And this.

Hang in there JM. It gets better.
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Old 10-22-2013, 09:59 PM   #190
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by Coach McGuirk View Post
I can get you a toe.
With nail polish?
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Old 10-23-2013, 12:59 AM   #191
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Well, thanks everyone, I have received some very good advice here and through PM. It's really cool that you guys give advice/feedback so freely.

Oftentimes on other parts of the forum I'm met with a lot of ridicule and put downs (not that I don't entirely deserve it most of the time) but I think it's great that I've been able to come here and rant/cry and get great feedback from all of you. I really appreciate it.

Today was mostly really good, I felt like I had way more energy, was more upbeat, and my libido is back. For the last 6+ months I haven't been even remotely attracted to women I previously found attractive, and this started to spread to my girlfriend too after we started fighting about hanging out w/ that guy. Today, it was totally back and I found myself checking out women frequently. I feel like that is a good thing.

Still have not heard from ex which tells me she's probably found someone else to distract her. It's really odd, I expected much more drama/fallout from this. It kinda tells me she knew this was coming and had a backup plan, or was cheating on me anyway. I was doing great all day, other than the fact I've had zero appetite, but tonight as I was walking to my car thinking of what I was gonna do after class, it struck me: I had no idea. I knew I was gonna go home, but that was about it. I realized that for the last year, what I planned to do was almost entirely dependent on my GF and what she wanted. Then I realized that I had nothing to even go home to except a few beers and GTA, no one to talk to, and no one to occupy my time except for myself, and that really, deeply scared me for a minute and I felt really sad and alone.

I suspect that is normal after getting out of a serious relationship but it definitely exposed a part of my psyche I didn't know existed. I love spending time alone, and I feel like I gain energy from it. But the thought that really no one cares what I do, or when I do it, was deeply scary for me. Probably deserves some deeper thought later.

My thoughts keep drifting to what she's doing, who she's hanging out with, etc., but I am able to brush those off pretty easily. It is none of my business.
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Old 10-23-2013, 01:03 AM   #192
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

The optimism stuff is a good read. I did a lot of work with that kind of stuff early on in my therapy.

The most important lesson I learned though, even though I still remain deeply pessimistic, is that I am entirely in control of how I feel and where my life is going. Of course, there are uncontrollable variables like sickness and death, and bad variance, but I am in control of the direction I am going. This "master of my own ship" doctrine I've adopted has given me a strong internal locus of control that's allowing me to cope with negative events in my life much better.

If I see something as negative, which I frequently do, rather than throwing my hands in the air and blaming it on circumstance, I am much more likely to say to myself, "Ok, what can I do about this, and how can I mitigate this situation?"

In this way I feel my pessimism helps me sometimes because it allows me to see negative aspects of a situation (for instance my relationship) that would be easy to gloss over if I was more optimistic.
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Old 10-26-2013, 11:14 AM   #193
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Found out she was almost more than likely cheating on me.

My friend from work told me on the 4th of july she tried to hook up with him. I'd had my suspicions, but when you're in a relationship like this, it's really hard to believe that the person you're with is a pathological liar. I still can hardly believe it, but he's not the type of person to make something like that up.

Confirms everything else I've been suspecting about her. Who knows what else she did, because honestly when she tried to get w/ him was when things were really solid with us. Unbelievable. I am so enraged I can hardly believe it.

The ****ty thing is, on saturday night I hooked up with 2 asian chicks and I've been feeling so insanely guilty about it I wanted to kill myself. When she's probably been doing this the whole time we've been together. Now I'm a "cheater," have lost everything because of this psychopath, and I'm the one feeling down in the dumps.

UNBELIEVABLE.
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Old 10-26-2013, 11:25 AM   #194
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

That's good news. She sucks. She's gone. You aren't going to get back with her.

I'm confused about why you'd feel guilty about Saturday night since you were already broken up, but w/e, now you're REALLY broken up.
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Old 10-26-2013, 11:50 AM   #195
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

We hadn't broken up yet.
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Old 10-26-2013, 07:55 PM   #196
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

That's what I thought you meant. I guess that's insensitive because, yeah it's terrible that she was trying to cheat on you. I just meant that it's good in the long run because it will steel your resolve to stay broken up with her.

I've been cheated on and it sucks, but after a fairly short time I was able to look back and just be glad it was over.
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Old 10-28-2013, 09:01 PM   #197
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I am very glad it's ove, don't get me wrong. Part of me misses her when i'm at places we used to frequent. But mostly I feel very betrayed and outraged, and i thought the anger would be decreasing, but it's stayed at a near constant level since Friday. I had a text exchange with her where she finally admitted she could've been more loyal, and insists she didn't do anything. It doesn't matter though, she was a mortal lock to do so at some point in the relationship.

For a bit of debauchery - i've drank or gone out every night since this happened. It's head clearing for me. Saturday night i went to a halloween party where I met an asian cougar and I stayed the night.

I had no idea how old she was. I figured 30, but she just got her Phd in molecular biology so i suspected she may have been older. Turns out she's 40. Lol.

She REALLY likes me but i made it clear to her i'm only looking to have fun right now.
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Old 10-29-2013, 01:43 AM   #198
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

So, I'm talking with several different girls right now, and I'm finding out interesting things about myself that may have exacerbated the situation I was in with the ex. I find that I'm really a "people pleaser" - I tell people what they want to hear, how they want to hear it, and I'm very capable of making people feel good about themselves. In a way, I can use this to manipulate to get what I want - sex, for instance.

I really don't think I'm being insincere when I do it. But there are times when I struggle to erect personal boundaries and can go out of my way to make someone's day a little better, at slight personal expense. With this mindset, I can become vulnerable to someone who will prey on that like my ex did.

I'm finding it extremely difficult to just "turn off." I'm even slightly guilty of it right now, because I'm obviously not exclusive with any of these girls, but I am really worried I'm wronging them somehow by courting multiple people at once. It's something I've never really done - my "dating" strategy has always been exclusively consume one person's attention/life, and then when she or I get bored we move on. Obviously this isn't healthy.

I shouldn't feel bad for talking with multiple people. Should I just operate under the assumption that they are doing the same thing too? I mean obviously they are. I really suck at the "dating" game. I'm worried if I'm too upfront with my intentions, ie, "I just want to sleep with you", that that might turn them off to me. I'm physically attractive, I'm funny, and I really believe I'm a nice guy, so there really should be plenty of girls that just want to **** and not date me, but part of me is really turned on by the fact that I can consume a girl's thoughts/desires.

Really need to change my whole strategy, I think.
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Old 10-29-2013, 01:45 AM   #199
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

jmakinmecrzy, have you read the book "The Wisdom of Psychopaths"?
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Old 10-29-2013, 02:06 AM   #200
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I haven't, but the reviews look good. If it wasn't 50$ I might buy it.
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