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Old 08-19-2013, 01:22 AM   #101
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I guess i always thought he'd live to 65. No need to console me, i know i have a lot to account for. He was always doomed, i knew that. I just think it was rapidly hastened.

For instance, his final heart attack happened days after my 21st. He'd partied too hard with me.

In many ways, his death changed my life for the better so i owe him some self reflection. I am sorry about your dad. They are the strongest influence in our lives, love them or hate them.
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Old 08-19-2013, 06:39 AM   #102
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Heartbreaking story.
Thank┤s for sharing.
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Old 08-19-2013, 08:59 AM   #103
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You made his final years a lot more pleasant by spending time with him and being his best friend. He was probably really happy he got that time with you.
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Old 08-19-2013, 10:05 AM   #104
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

First off, I don't think you have any kind of ASPD. Being a kid and having an addiction are two things that can cause you to focus exclusively on your own needs. I also think the guilt makes you overstate the extent to which you "used" your dad and other people.

And as others have said, I think you brought more to your dad's final years by being around than you detracted by getting him smoking. For all you know, you may have cost him just a couple of weeks of life.
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Old 08-19-2013, 11:20 AM   #105
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I was about to post something similar to ^

Jmakin, has it ever occurred to you that the analyst might be a crank, and wrong? I don't think you have antisocial personality disorder, or if you do, I do too. I did a lot of super-selfish, almost unimaginably thoughtless and self-centered things when I was younger and also doing lots of drugs. This is par for the course. It's sometimes hard to get a real read on people over the internet, but inasmuch as it's possible, you seem like the furthest thing from someone with ASPD--i.e. you are a social person who enjoys interacting with people and who craves approbation (like most people do), you have a moral sense, you get along well with people, you are not especially manipulative, you don't have a criminal history, etc. etc.

I get the feeling that you take a lot of pleasure in this diagnosis, probably because it makes you feel special, but in the long run staying faithful to this version of yourself as a sociopath will probably be a net negative.
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Old 08-19-2013, 11:59 AM   #106
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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Originally Posted by Clare Quilty View Post
I don't think you have antisocial personality disorder, or if you do, I do too.
Been wondering the same thing for a while. From what he describes sometimes I think either jmakin definitely is not a sociopath, or I definitely am one.
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Old 08-19-2013, 12:45 PM   #107
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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Originally Posted by Clare Quilty View Post
I was about to post something similar to ^

Jmakin, has it ever occurred to you that the analyst might be a crank, and wrong? I don't think you have antisocial personality disorder, or if you do, I do too. I did a lot of super-selfish, almost unimaginably thoughtless and self-centered things when I was younger and also doing lots of drugs. This is par for the course. It's sometimes hard to get a real read on people over the internet, but inasmuch as it's possible, you seem like the furthest thing from someone with ASPD--i.e. you are a social person who enjoys interacting with people and who craves approbation (like most people do), you have a moral sense, you get along well with people, you are not especially manipulative, you don't have a criminal history, etc. etc.

I get the feeling that you take a lot of pleasure in this diagnosis, probably because it makes you feel special, but in the long run staying faithful to this version of yourself as a sociopath will probably be a net negative.
I've mentioned several times i have never really fully agreed with the dianosis. You're wrong about a few things, first, i usually avoid social interaction unless i find it advantageous for me. When i used to go out it was to get laid. Now i have a gf, i hate it. I'm extremely introverted.

But anyway, the disorder name is misleading. It's not literally being anti social. Most sociopaths are extremely good with people.

You're wrong about my criminal record too. I do have one and i thought i remembered talking about it before. I have been known to commit crimes that i have never been convicted of but for obvious reasons i will not talk about those here.

Anyway, it's irrelevant to me one way or the other and it's not something i ever even really think about. People find it interesting on here so i write about it. I think we all have times in our lives where we lack empathy. I have a lot of trouble understanding what it is - but ive made a lot of progress over the years.

But sure, there's a possibility i am a just a selfish, self absorbed dick and nothing more. That possibility doesn't bother me. I know i am capable of a lot of harm so i consciously try to mitigate that and try to put myself into other people's shoes.
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Old 08-19-2013, 12:48 PM   #108
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

They say up to 3% of the population fits the criteria for this, so it's not all that uncommon. I can think of 2 guys that definitely have it and i don't think they know it.

Anyway thanks for the kind words. I wrote that in a way that tried to make me come off better than the actual reality of the situation, i think. I do that a lot.
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Old 08-19-2013, 01:16 PM   #109
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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I've mentioned several times i have never really fully agreed with the dianosis. You're wrong about a few things, first, i usually avoid social interaction unless i find it advantageous for me. When i used to go out it was to get laid. Now i have a gf, i hate it. I'm extremely introverted.
Going out to get laid and then staying in when you have a gf is everybody. You certainly do not avoid interaction online, and strike me as one of the more gregarious people on 2p2.

Quote:
You're wrong about my criminal record too. I do have one and i thought i remembered talking about it before. I have been known to commit crimes that i have never been convicted of but for obvious reasons i will not talk about those here.
You seem to understand the difference between right and wrong, though, and why it's at least theoretically important not to dick people over. Your qualms about screwing over the ferry owner, for example. IME people with true ASPD wouldn't be capable of making, or care about, these fine distinctions.
Quote:
Anyway, it's irrelevant to me one way or the other and it's not something i ever even really think about. People find it interesting on here so i write about it. I think we all have times in our lives where we lack empathy. I have a lot of trouble understanding what it is - but ive made a lot of progress over the years.

But sure, there's a possibility i am a just a selfish, self absorbed dick and nothing more. That possibility doesn't bother me. I know i am capable of a lot of harm so i consciously try to mitigate that and try to put myself into other people's shoes.
I feel like by the definition of ASPD or sociopath you or your analyst are using, anyone who doesn't easily and immediately feel empathy with others could be labelled a sociopath. I suppose it's just semantics, but I don't think it's super-healthy or useful to give yourself that out. I'm naturally quite self-centered and unempathetic, but at the end of the day, I understand that other people have consciousnesses and feelings like me, and are not just playthings for my amusement or benefit, which is something you appear to understand as well.

Anyway, interesting post about your Dad and +1 on letting go of that guilt.
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Old 08-19-2013, 01:38 PM   #110
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Again i believe there is a case to be made against it. However wrt right and wrong, i think we can all agree that my definitions of morality have sparked outrage against me several times, most notably in the "child abuse" thread where the OP left out a ton of really relevant details and i was lambasted and nearly banned for telling him to mind his own business. Trying to kill my neighbor's dog got a lot of flack back in the day too.

I do understand the difference though. But, say you know something is wrong and do it anyway, and don't really care, isn't that textbook sociopath behavior? Wrt my dad for instance. How LITTLE i cared about my role in his deah is what scared me enough into therapy. I still rarely think about it. I don't believe i have any guilt - i know in the way i wrote that i may sound like i do, but i am extremely good at knowing what to say to come off a certain way. I acknowledge how i behaved was wrong. I am, in my own way, remorseful about it. But, at the end of the day, i don't really "feel" anything about it.

The diagnosis has been very helpful to me, especially early on. I understood people's motivations better because i don't instantly suspect motive or that people are just out to get me. I understood that the way i flouted rules continually kept getting me in trouble, so i realized to fit in and thrive in society i must adapt and obey these rules. It's helped me a lot.

I mean, maybe i sell myself short here but it helps me understand the things i do and why i do them. I don't believe my therapist is a hack, my life has vastly improved since i have begun this.
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Old 08-19-2013, 05:45 PM   #111
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

You're a good writer. Sorry to hear about your dad.
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Old 08-19-2013, 06:17 PM   #112
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Why do you start with
Quote:
This will be a difficult post but something I've long needed to get off my back
when you don't feel anything about it?
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Old 08-19-2013, 06:37 PM   #113
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I'm not sure why i chose that particular wording, maybe for dramatic effect. My writing is mostly stream of consciousness.

Writing does help me analyze things more clearly and i am a total oversharer so there you go.
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Old 08-19-2013, 10:03 PM   #114
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Really touching story jmakin.

Ultimately I don't think it really matters if the diagnosis is technically correct if you gained some insight and some tools that you believe have helped you improve your every day life. Labels can be problematic but it's not like you walk around with a tattoo saying "sociopath" on your forehead, so the only ones who know are those you choose to tell, and hopefully the ones you choose to tell aren't going to judge you overly for having a PD or any type of diagnosis.
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Old 08-20-2013, 10:31 AM   #115
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Yes, your story is very moving. A couple of thoughts...

On a personal level, I think it took a number of years to develop a conscience in myself. In my youth I was sort of feral, I think that was just to survive. When I started working with young people, I began thinking outside myself and developed more empathy for others. I still have considerably more compassion for children and I find that I'm still working on that with adults (lol), but we are always projects in development. I did have some success in bringing out compassion in a few students that at first appeared to have very little, but again it's always hard to tell in the long term.

The only thing that I can say about your father is, that it is apparent to me that he would have considered you to be the greatest thing that ever happened in his life. None of us are going to be perfect, but we must give ourselves the same credit that we would give our best friend. You were there with your dad, enjoying, sharing, laughing, crying and yes, taking from each other through it all.

That's how life works, when you needed, you took and he was more than happy to give. And you know in your heart, the same was true for you. You don't ever begrudge having to give to him when he needed it, because that's what it means to be alive.

I envy that relationship that you had with your father and you should be proud of the fact that you were the person that he loved more than anyone else on Earth. You need to learn to feel those things about yourself, because those are the things he never doubted for all of those years.
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Old 08-20-2013, 10:47 AM   #116
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Tough story JM, thanks for sharing. I know you've been in therapy for a while - ever do group therapy? Any psychodrama work?
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Old 08-20-2013, 01:51 PM   #117
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Blog got intense. Jmakinmecry.
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Old 08-21-2013, 02:44 AM   #118
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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Originally Posted by SGT RJ View Post
Really touching story jmakin.

Ultimately I don't think it really matters if the diagnosis is technically correct if you gained some insight and some tools that you believe have helped you improve your every day life. Labels can be problematic but it's not like you walk around with a tattoo saying "sociopath" on your forehead, so the only ones who know are those you choose to tell, and hopefully the ones you choose to tell aren't going to judge you overly for having a PD or any type of diagnosis.
Yea this is kind of what I think too. anyway, lumping nearly anyone into 1 psychological disorder is always gonna be problematic.

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Originally Posted by tylertwo View Post
Yes, your story is very moving. A couple of thoughts...

On a personal level, I think it took a number of years to develop a conscience in myself. In my youth I was sort of feral, I think that was just to survive. When I started working with young people, I began thinking outside myself and developed more empathy for others. I still have considerably more compassion for children and I find that I'm still working on that with adults (lol), but we are always projects in development. I did have some success in bringing out compassion in a few students that at first appeared to have very little, but again it's always hard to tell in the long term.

The only thing that I can say about your father is, that it is apparent to me that he would have considered you to be the greatest thing that ever happened in his life. None of us are going to be perfect, but we must give ourselves the same credit that we would give our best friend. You were there with your dad, enjoying, sharing, laughing, crying and yes, taking from each other through it all.

That's how life works, when you needed, you took and he was more than happy to give. And you know in your heart, the same was true for you. You don't ever begrudge having to give to him when he needed it, because that's what it means to be alive.

I envy that relationship that you had with your father and you should be proud of the fact that you were the person that he loved more than anyone else on Earth. You need to learn to feel those things about yourself, because those are the things he never doubted for all of those years.
Thank you for your kind words, tyler. I think when we are young we all lack a bit of empathy and can be a bit selfish.


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Originally Posted by brianr View Post
Tough story JM, thanks for sharing. I know you've been in therapy for a while - ever do group therapy? Any psychodrama work?
Nah, never done either. I am not sure what psychodrama is. My therapy is free so I keep going. I think if I had to pay for it, I wouldn't go. Not that it's not helping me - I just don't see a reason not to go if it's being offered at no cost.


I was up late the other night thinking about my dad and thought I'd shoot Charlie Daniels an email on his fan address. I told him my dad was a huge fan and that they used to golf together back in the day, and that he had passed and just wanted to let him know that my dad always talked about what a great guy he was. I got a reply almost instantly:

Quote:
Chris of course I remember your Dad and thought quite a lot of him,he was a truly nice guy.
I'm sorry to hear about his passing .
God bless
Charlie Daniels

Sent from my iPad
The aol email address and the disjointed punctuation/spacing leads me to believe it's a genuine reply from him, which is pretty awesome. he responded almost instantly. Now, there's obviously a chance he doesn't remember my dad and was just being nice, but pretty cool nonetheless. I checked his twitter page to see if his tone matched that and found some pretty funny political crap on there. still a cool guy though.
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Old 08-24-2013, 12:51 PM   #119
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Had such an insane day at work yesterday. I work on a small auto ferry and we deal with thousands of people a day. Over the years I've had my share of run ins with nutjobs, it's never escalated physically but it's come close. I am never an instigator, but if someone is going to take an attitude with me or be ****ty to me, or look for a problem, I am not going to back down. One nice thing about my job is it's not really a "customer service" type of position - I'm not obligated or required to be nice to someone who is giving me ****. The customer is NOT always right.

So I'm minding my own business, sitting in the break room with my captain eating lunch. Our door was propped open which exits to the street. An extremely irate man in his early 50's with a golden retriever asks if this is our office. I said no, it's our breakroom, the office is around the corner, but it's closed (Friday at like 4 PM, ldo.) He said he'd been coming by every day and they were never open (no). I told him they're always open from at least 11-3 during the week, but I could give him a number and the name of our manager.

His claim was that he fell several months ago and wanted to talk to the manager. We repeatedly told him the manager wasn't in, but we could give him the number. He refused to leave until he talked to someone in charge. At this point I became annoyed, and said, "DUDE, the manager isn't here."

He flips his **** and says, "WHAT did you call me? Dude? That's not my name. That's harassment."

I say, "Um, no it isn't, DUDE, and if you don't want the number, get the hell out of here."

Then he starts saying he's going to call the cops because I assaulted him. I'm kinda flabbergasted at this point and extremely irritated, but I started to notice something was very off with him. I'm not easily intimidated but everything about him said he was trouble. He wanted my name, I offered it, and wrote it down for him with the office number and he crumpled it and threw it. I told him to leave again and he refused. He goes down to the boat and starts yelling at someone - comes back and says one of the captains threatened him with bodily harm. At this point I realized police intervention was gonna be needed, and I was starting to feel this could escalate badly. My captain wanted to laugh it off/taunt the guy but I didn't feel that was the right move so I called the Harbor Patrol who responded pretty quickly.

The guy disappears and told them to follow him down the alley. He wanted one of US to follow him down the alley, and I was like LOL no yea right. They approached with their hands at their holsters, went around the alley, and disappeared for about 20 minutes.

The cop comes back and says that the guy claims that he fell TODAY and broke his leg (what?) and said one of the captains threatened to kill him. He asked me wtf was going on. I said I had no idea, but he has to go, we offered him a number and he doesn't seem to really want anything but to cause trouble. The police asked him to leave and I was told later that they took 3 knives off of him (just goes to show, you can never tell who may be carrying weapons. best to call police right away.)

Local PD showed up and talked to him for a bit. They told him he wasn't supposed to be on our property and that he had to leave. What does he do? Walks right past us, pretends to tie his shoe, and says "You'll be seeing me very soon." He then walks just slightly off our property and stands there. I told the cop, "Wtf, are you guys going to make him leave? He's obviously not going to leave." the guy just kinda shrugged and said he couldn't do anything, and to call if he was a problem again, and then all the cops LEFT.

At this point I was very uneasy, because the guy was just hanging barely off our property for about 2 hours. I filled out an incident report just to cover my own ass and finally the guy left. I have a feeling we didn't see the last of him. Really trippy/unnerving experience, and out of all the times I've been in confrontations with crazies, I've never felt this unsafe. I have NEVER called the cops on anyone in 8 years of working there.

I can't tell what his angle was - if he was truly bat**** insane or just looking for a lawsuit, or what. He didn't look like he was inebriated or on drugs. he didn't even look like the type. Some type of angleshoot? I really hope so, because if he's genuinely insane, he's definitely coming back and it won't be good.

Not paid enough to deal with that crap.
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Old 08-24-2013, 06:00 PM   #120
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

With the knives, I'm going with crazy. Insta-call the police for trespassing if he steps on the property. You're going to need a record of incidents with the police to back you up when you have to hit him on the head with a crowbar.
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Old 08-24-2013, 09:22 PM   #121
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Yeah, some type of paranoid/persecution symptoms seem very likely. And since he's proven he doesn't mind going around armed, you're better safe than sorry. If he shows up again, give him one chance to leave peacefully with whatever info he wants (phone number, manager, w/e) then immediately call the police if he fails to comply.

If he persists in coming around, get a restraining order barring him from the property.

While the mentally ill are far more likely to be victims of crime than perpetrators, a mentally ill offender isn't someone you are going to be able to reasons with in the traditional sense of the word, and you have every right to protect yourself.

The good news is that he might not be fixated on you/your business in particular, so you might never see him again. Something today might have just set him off.
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Old 08-26-2013, 02:55 AM   #122
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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With the knives, I'm going with crazy. Insta-call the police for trespassing if he steps on the property. You're going to need a record of incidents with the police to back you up when you have to hit him on the head with a crowbar.
I think if he comes back, police intervention is definitely necessary. There are certain types of whiny, entitled people that I love to give **** back to, and I quickly realized this was not a guy where that would be the ideal play and I switched to "Oh man, get the cops here" way quicker than I would have thought possible.

The funny thing was no one else there really saw the problem as quickly as I did. People were kind of antagonizing him, but it became obvious after about a half hour that something was really wrong.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SGT RJ View Post
Yeah, some type of paranoid/persecution symptoms seem very likely. And since he's proven he doesn't mind going around armed, you're better safe than sorry. If he shows up again, give him one chance to leave peacefully with whatever info he wants (phone number, manager, w/e) then immediately call the police if he fails to comply.

If he persists in coming around, get a restraining order barring him from the property.

While the mentally ill are far more likely to be victims of crime than perpetrators, a mentally ill offender isn't someone you are going to be able to reasons with in the traditional sense of the word, and you have every right to protect yourself.

The good news is that he might not be fixated on you/your business in particular, so you might never see him again. Something today might have just set him off.
Yea I really hope so. I don't want to see him again. That type of irrational anger/rage combined with any kind of weapon and a mental illness doesn't have very pretty outcomes. The cop told me, "If we have to respond a 2nd time, usually it isn't pretty, so don't antagonize him." I was just kinda like "WTF then why isn't he in cuffs???"

A captain with some coast guard experience told me a useful tip though. If a captain tells someone not to board a vessel, and they do so, it counts as some type of "forceful entry" charge under maritime law. I don't know the specifics but that could be something I utilize in the future if I can find what the hell he was referencing.
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Old 08-26-2013, 03:13 AM   #123
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Speaking of mental illness, I think I'm having some type of mental issue.

There are times where I feel totally fine going out and socializing. I don't have social anxiety, I am well spoken, and people find me entertaining. However, I go through phases where I need more time alone than usual. It's triggered by stress, I think, but it's really difficult being in a close relationship and trying to navigate this.

I feel absolutely suffocated sometimes by really benign things, like phone calls or texts. I am really bad at responding to these. It's not that I don't want to interact, I just feel like phone calls by nature are super invasive and given a choice I'd go without a phone. Unfortunately this is impossible.

The problem I have is my girlfriend seems to gain energy/well being by being around me constantly. I gain my energy by being alone, reading, playing video games, or watching TV. I can't describe what exactly it is. It's NOTHING to do with her - she'll compensate by offering to let me bring my xbox over to her house while she does HW or surfs the web or whatever. It isn't the same. I just want to be ALONE and do whatever activity I'm interested in - less distraction, and I don't have to worry if she's bored or whatever. I'm the same with homework. I cannot do it in a crowded setting, my mind just refuses to work. I know this is descriptive of an introverted personality but upon further thought I think I probably fall somewhere in the middle on that scale. I'm quite comfortable with social settings at times, but small talk irritates the **** out of me.

She's willing to give me space when I need it - but it always comes at the cost of guilt. She's sad about it, or is really bored. The only guilt free alone time I get is on Saturdays when I have the day off and she works. It's glorious. The last few Saturdays I haven't had this for varying reasons, and I feel like it's taken its toll on me. I'm far more irritable when I don't get that "me" time.

The problem is I just can't figure out a way around it. School is starting, so it may be easier because of conflicting schedules, but I swear to god there are times where I just want to lock my door and be ALONE. Anyone else have this? How the **** do you date an extrovert that's slightly clingy? I try to tell her it's a testament to how much I care about her, because some behaviors of hers would have caused me to kick any other girl to the curb in a heart beat. I dumped a girl once because she showed up to my work to bring me food.

My therapist is worthless on this. I don't know how to juggle my needs with hers, and I feel like at times my "needs" are far more than hers and I feel like a girly man and the whole guilt cycle begins again.
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Old 08-26-2013, 06:19 AM   #124
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by jmakinmecrzy View Post
my girlfriend seems to gain energy/well being by being around me constantly. I gain my energy by being alone,
Extrovert/Introvert

The problem is most extroverts think introverts need to be fixed, because who wouldn't want to be more like them. She probably thinks that about you.
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Old 08-26-2013, 06:29 AM   #125
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Introvert doesn't mean you don't like people or social situations, just that you feel refreshed by spending time alone. Extroverts refresh by spending time with other people.

I think the only solution is to compromise on time you spend with each other. Explaining the above may help.
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