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Old 08-12-2013, 11:19 PM   #76
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

It's a common phobia... Kelp/seaweed is kind of the "tall grass" of the ocean. It's scary to swim in because you can't really tell what may be lurking right around the corner. I don't like touching it, but that's not where the fear lies.
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Old 08-13-2013, 11:17 AM   #77
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

So, I suppose I'll write a little about my friend. His name is John.

John is kinda special. He's 28 or 29, got a degree in communications, then did a whole lot of nothing. He moved out to California from upstate New York a few years ago to surf. I ran into him 3 years ago when I first moved out. I had been living in this tiny little room that was basically a run down shack - I came home one afternoon to find that my landlord had gone in and torn out my entire outer wall, and just put up like 4 pieces of plywood to cover it. There was a hole in my ceiling that rain poured through. Anyway, inevitably John rents a room there and "finds" me after I had been living there for about 6 months alone. I was depressed, poor as ****, and still trying to figure things out on my own.

The thing about John is he's an extreme extrovert. I found him incredibly annoying for the first several months. He doesn't really understand social cues - he either ignores them completely or just flat out doesn't receive them. He would drag me out of my bed to go drink with him in our crappy little place. I wish I had some more pictures of it. We called it "fight club."

This was the kitchen -




This was the floor in the same kitchen. The dark space behind the base of the sink goes to the outside of the house. If you dropped anything behind it, which I frequently did, you'd have to go outside to get it.



This was the ceiling that rain would pour through. Above that is just sky.



sideways view of one of the "ceilings" - the whole house was like that. The landlord was insane. I may write about that whole experience in more depth later, because it was a really interesting experience, but you get the point for now.

Anyway, John is a classic example of severe adult onset ADHD. If his parents weren't wealthy, I'm convinced he'd be out on the street. He's really helpless sometimes. He loves to drink, and we would go out frequently (and still do occasionally). He likes to pee on stuff when he's drunk. I saw him pull his pants down in the middle of a crowded bar, piss all over the floor, and talk his way out of it with the bouncer.

As most of my friendships are, regrettably, it is one of convenience for me. I don't know why I do this, but I tend to look at people by what they can offer me - I used to think everyone did this, because it just makes common sense to me, but apparently that's not the case. John has a bazillion friends, his feelings are never hurt, he's fun to drink with, and he can be very entertaining. He's probably who I'd describe as one of my best friends.

So, I dread picking up the phone when he calls because he always wants a favor. The other day it was his laptop - he'd sprayed WD 40 in the keyboard to try to make it work better and obviously broke it. I told him I'm a first year programming student and I don't know **** about disassembling a laptop, but he asked if I could try. Ooooooook. Better to just humor him and get it over with.

Last edited by jmakin; 08-13-2013 at 11:32 AM.
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Old 08-13-2013, 11:21 AM   #78
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I googled his model number and of course he has some obscure model that there is no keyboard installation guide to. So, I looked up a similar model and hoped it had a similar layout. Took off the back panel to get access to the screws:



Then I jammed a fork under the keyboard and got it out. Didn't "pop out" like it was supposed to. Took quite a bit of force.

Lifted it up and saw all this junk:



So, apparently, these things have a ribbon connector that's secured by a thin little plastic piece called a WIF connector. I have no idea why they decided to do it this way, but man that little piece is a ****ing pain in the ass. I finally got it out, put the new keyboard in, and jammed the piece back in. Then stupid ****ing me decided I wanted to make sure it was totally in all the way, so I unplugged it again and couldn't get the damn thing back in. Eventually we resorted to scotch tape:



It worked, surprisingly, but I told him just to take the damn thing to a little mom and pop repair store, because Best Buy will rip you off. He did. They charged him 20$ to fix it and fixed his screen for free.

THAT'S WHY YOU ALWAYS JUST TAKE IT TO A ****ING EXPERT.

Anyway, I decided I'll tell some more stories of John/myself later in this blog, because everyone I know finds them extremely entertaining and there is quite a bit of debauchery involved.
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Old 08-15-2013, 08:38 PM   #79
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I just had one of those moments that makes me feel completely lost and truly like a sociopath. There aren't a lot of them, and as I've said numerous times before, I don't really completely agree with my therapist's analysis.

But today, Takei posted this link: http://www.upworthy.com/the-most-hon...-ever-heard-10

It's an OCD guy doing some slam poetry about his ex dumping his ass because he's obnoxious and OCD. Just listening to him that 2 minutes I wanted to punch him. But the comments - holy lord. It makes everyone cry. It's powerful. It's moving. It's heartbreaking - I don't feel any of those things. I've gone through a pretty hurtful breakup before, and I still don't feel it. Please tell me I'm not crazy? The guy is desperate, annoying, and has a severe mental illness that he COULD seek help for, but doesn't, and expects the whole world to cater to his compulsions. That's like, the definition of a twisted sociopath.

Maybe I'm callous, but I just don't see what is supposed to be "heartbreaking" about that video.
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Old 08-15-2013, 09:12 PM   #80
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I'm very cynical, but have the capability of getting emo about this kind of **** if I think it's genuine, and FWIW I felt like this was calculated and attention-whorish.

I also doubt he leaves the door unlocked and the lights on since she dumped him. Or if he does, that those aren't among his "triggers" or whatever.
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Old 08-15-2013, 09:17 PM   #81
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by jmakinmecrzy View Post
I just had one of those moments that makes me feel completely lost and truly like a sociopath. There aren't a lot of them, and as I've said numerous times before, I don't really completely agree with my therapist's analysis.

But today, Takei posted this link: http://www.upworthy.com/the-most-hon...-ever-heard-10

It's an OCD guy doing some slam poetry about his ex dumping his ass because he's obnoxious and OCD. Just listening to him that 2 minutes I wanted to punch him. But the comments - holy lord. It makes everyone cry. It's powerful. It's moving. It's heartbreaking - I don't feel any of those things. I've gone through a pretty hurtful breakup before, and I still don't feel it. Please tell me I'm not crazy? The guy is desperate, annoying, and has a severe mental illness that he COULD seek help for, but doesn't, and expects the whole world to cater to his compulsions. That's like, the definition of a twisted sociopath.

Maybe I'm callous, but I just don't see what is supposed to be "heartbreaking" about that video.
I wouldn't say it's weird to not find the video "heartbreaking" or to even be indifferent to it, since there would be a lot of other people in the same boat as you. I do think the bolded is definitely a weird reaction to have though plus you shouldn't want to punch him.
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Old 08-15-2013, 10:09 PM   #82
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

didn't watch, but I think wanting to punch any spoken word artist is a reasonable reaction.
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Old 08-15-2013, 10:51 PM   #83
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by jmakinmecrzy View Post
I just had one of those moments that makes me feel completely lost and truly like a sociopath. There aren't a lot of them, and as I've said numerous times before, I don't really completely agree with my therapist's analysis.

But today, Takei posted this link: http://www.upworthy.com/the-most-hon...-ever-heard-10

It's an OCD guy doing some slam poetry about his ex dumping his ass because he's obnoxious and OCD. Just listening to him that 2 minutes I wanted to punch him. But the comments - holy lord. It makes everyone cry. It's powerful. It's moving. It's heartbreaking - I don't feel any of those things. I've gone through a pretty hurtful breakup before, and I still don't feel it. Please tell me I'm not crazy? The guy is desperate, annoying, and has a severe mental illness that he COULD seek help for, but doesn't, and expects the whole world to cater to his compulsions. That's like, the definition of a twisted sociopath.

Maybe I'm callous, but I just don't see what is supposed to be "heartbreaking" about that video.
I think for me at least (and im pretty unmoved by lots of ****, and honestly I wasnt that moved by this, but can see why people might be), its so rare to see genuine emotional pain from people we have no connection to. 99% of the emotions we see are from people acting in movies or crap fake ass reality TV, so when you see someone IRL whos actually expressing true pain (especially through the window of TV, where you are basically a voyeur), its kinda jarring how genuine it is compared to what we are used to seeing.

I remember watching "True Life" on MTV, and it was about addicts or something, and there was this guy addicted to heroin who was just out of rehab or something, and he was sitting alone in his chair and just started bawling because he was so scared. I must have watched that part like 30 times back to back, it was like I had never seen anything like that before, it was incredibly powerful and moving.

so maybe people arent "moved" by it because its heartbreaking, but just feel some kind of "stiring" at the display of genuine pain. If im way off and people are actually just moved because hes heart broken and sad that he got dumped, then yeah im 100% with you, thats retarded
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Old 08-16-2013, 12:16 AM   #84
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OCD guy touches people's hearts. Any time an actor who is at least kinda good gets a role where he/she plays a disabled/retarded person, that actor gets a trophy for touching people's hearts.

I honestly think that I exhibit sociopathic traits on occasion...but that guy doesn't touch my heart. He misses his girl. It's just nothing remarkable unless you're fixated on his OCD.
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Old 08-16-2013, 12:23 AM   #85
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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It's an OCD guy doing some slam poetry
I didnt even bother watching. You're perfectly justified in thinking anyone doing slam poetry is a douche
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Old 08-16-2013, 07:29 AM   #86
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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didn't watch, but I think wanting to punch any spoken word artist is a required reaction.
fyp
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Old 08-16-2013, 04:47 PM   #87
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Glad i'm not the only one.
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Old 08-17-2013, 01:50 AM   #88
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Quote:
Originally Posted by jmakinmecrzy View Post
I just had one of those moments that makes me feel completely lost and truly like a sociopath. There aren't a lot of them, and as I've said numerous times before, I don't really completely agree with my therapist's analysis.

But today, Takei posted this link: http://www.upworthy.com/the-most-hon...-ever-heard-10

It's an OCD guy doing some slam poetry about his ex dumping his ass because he's obnoxious and OCD. Just listening to him that 2 minutes I wanted to punch him. But the comments - holy lord. It makes everyone cry. It's powerful. It's moving. It's heartbreaking - I don't feel any of those things. I've gone through a pretty hurtful breakup before, and I still don't feel it. Please tell me I'm not crazy? The guy is desperate, annoying, and has a severe mental illness that he COULD seek help for, but doesn't, and expects the whole world to cater to his compulsions. That's like, the definition of a twisted sociopath.

Maybe I'm callous, but I just don't see what is supposed to be "heartbreaking" about that video.
I would only have clapped out of politeness. The guy is nuts and I would not associate with him if I knew him in real life. Your feelings are justified. The people who wrote the comments would leave him just like that girl did, I mean he is totally nuts.
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Old 08-17-2013, 03:17 PM   #89
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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I would only have clapped out of politeness. The guy is nuts and I would not associate with him if I knew him in real life. Your feelings are justified. The people who wrote the comments would leave him just like that girl did, I mean he is totally nuts.
This is an infuriating debate i often have with people who are, for one reason or another, completely undesirable. Rather than change aspects of themselves that are unpleasant, they throw their hands in the air and wait for their prince charming who will "just love them the way they are."

No. Some things are negative and should be changed. Bad behaviors, like addiction or an anger problem. Bad diet and being overweight. Mental illness (like ocd guy.)

Expecting the whole world to bend over backward for you because of whatever perceived disability you think you have makes you not only lazy, it's slowing you down in life. When i started to figure this out my life became much easier.
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Old 08-17-2013, 03:50 PM   #90
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Sounds very Henry17 of you, but yeah, that's absolutely true.
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Old 08-17-2013, 08:03 PM   #91
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Sometimes Henry17 is right. I am often polite to a fault in public, but man that guy would drive me nuts in real life.


I am curious in what ways having sociopathy manifests itself other than in taking advantage of others? I find myself recognizing how often the dynamic in friendships exist where one side takes a lot but gives little. Would you say that you yourself would often take a lot without even thinking of giving back in return? Do you have to consciously remember to give back to friends?
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Old 08-18-2013, 11:19 AM   #92
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

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Originally Posted by Mandor_TFL View Post
Sometimes Henry17 is right. I am often polite to a fault in public, but man that guy would drive me nuts in real life.


I am curious in what ways having sociopathy manifests itself other than in taking advantage of others? I find myself recognizing how often the dynamic in friendships exist where one side takes a lot but gives little. Would you say that you yourself would often take a lot without even thinking of giving back in return? Do you have to consciously remember to give back to friends?
Yes, completely so. I find that i am constantly "leeching" off people. It's interesting how my therapist deals with this - he never tells me that it's wrong or that i should change that behavior, he's really only ever concerned with how it may be affecting my quality of life. Which is a good way to deal with me really.

I do consciously have to remember to maintain my friendships. I don't like doing favors unless i can see it as a way to curry favor with a desirable person.

Honestly it kind of sucks and i don't like it, so i am constantly working on it. The "leech" behavior was so bad with my father that it in part drove him to an early death. I constantly am trying not to take advantage of my gf.
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Old 08-18-2013, 02:44 PM   #93
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

OCD poem didn't make it to heartbreaking, but it was good. It would have been better just reading it though.
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Old 08-18-2013, 03:24 PM   #94
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Yea, his mannerisms really bugged me. Reading would be better.
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Old 08-18-2013, 10:19 PM   #95
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

This will be a difficult post but something I've long needed to get off my back. This is about my dad and how i helped kill him. it will probably be long, and if you do end up reading it, i hope you gain something from it.

I'm going to try as hard as I can to be as honest as possible here without sounding too much like a victim. My father was the victim. I loved my father more than anything I've ever loved on this green earth, and still do. I was his first and only son in a house full of women, so our bond was very strong. I can remember him always being there - for baseball, fishing, playing video games with me, and when I got older, our bond deepened.

He was a very sick man most of my life. He ran marathons and triathlons in his 30's after spending most of his 20's womanizing and smoking a lot of pot. He had me when he was 35. When I was in elementary school, he shattered his ankle while he was out playing with me and my sisters. This simple injury would send his life and our families into a downward spiral we never recovered from.

You see, he was the top manager and part owner for a very successful restaurant/nightclub in OC called the Crazy Horse. You may have heard of it, but probably not. At the time, it was THE place to be if you were into country music. He was personal friends with a few of the stars they had play there - including Charlie Daniels, who I have met a few times when I was a kid. I was never able to contact any of them when he passed, but one thing I always remember was they constantly talked about what a great/genuine guy he was. The problem with his job, though, was that it required him to be on his feet constantly. He usually worked a 14-18 hour day depending on what he had to deal with, and a large part of that was on his feet. When he broke his ankle, he couldn't work. He had a surgery on it, which failed. He went on disability and quickly gained a lot of weight, and at 6'1" ~200 pounds he was never a small guy to begin with.

During this time I remember moving a lot. I remember we lost the house when I was 5. This was due to the housing market temporarily tanking and my parents having a stupidly bad mortgage. The Crazy Horse was sold, and the new owner didn't want to deal with his disability so he was let go. My dad continued to gain weight, and more health problems arose. His knees went, probably because of the heavy running in his 20's. Multiple surgeries, no successes (which I can sympathize with now after my own knee surgery). Soon after the knee problems came the big diagnosis - he had muscular dystrophy.

I can't really blame him for loving the meds. He'd lost his career, his financial life was in ruins (around this time my parents filed their first bankruptcy) and his body was beginning to fail him. My mom was a total psychopath. Our house looked like hoarders and they fought constantly. He spent the majority of his time in bed, watching TV. I think this was probably the darkest time in his life, and one in which we were the most distant. His moods were unpredictable - I remember once he freaked out on me and threw my N64 out the window, breaking it to pieces. I'd never seen him that angry. He'd NEVER lay a hand on me, but during that time period, I genuinely hated him. He couldn't play ball with me anymore. He couldn't go anywhere because he was in too much pain. He was worthless to me. I resented his weakness. It was incredibly selfish of me.

There was a few years of this. He continued to gain weight and was diagnosed with diabetes. He had several extended hospital visits - blood sugar going way too high, one severe pneumonia bout that forced him to be in an induced coma for 3 days, the beginnings of his heart problems, a knee replacement, severe diverticulitis that almost killed him, etc. etc. I can't remember them all but there were at least 12-15 hospital stays within 1 calendar year. He would constantly go hypoglycemic and become completely unintelligible - sometimes while he was driving, which forced me to drive us off to the side of the road one day. I think some of it was genuine hypoglycemia, and some of it was the pain meds/muscle relaxers he was on. I only figured this out when I got older.

Eventually the fighting with my parents got really bad and they were divorced. My dad moved out, and I didn't know this til years later, but my mom told him that we all hated him and that I had personally asked her to ask him to leave. I didn't. He thought I did for YEARS and never brought it up to me until shortly before his death - I was infuriated I had never been told this. Later my mom would tell me I was a reason for their divorce, and also that he "couldn't perform in bed anymore." She cheated on him numerous times which I had found out. Eventually our fighting came to a head and I went to live with my dad.

This is when we really bonded. I was attending HS, and he developed severe heart problems when I was a sophomore. He averaged one heart attack a year after that. When my personal problems came to a head in my late late teens, I went to live with my mom for a change of pace. I think it was during this time that I think the real "leeching" began and I started to kill him.

I was 19 I think. He was always there - wasn't even told when I was arrested, but still managed to be there to pick me up when I was released and drove me home with no judgment whatsoever. He was always proud of me, and always genuinely concerned. I had been taking painkillers for my bad leg for a little while, and he would occasionally give me some of his. We went to breakfast nearly every day from the time I was 19 til he died when I was 22.

I began to smoke more heavily when I was 20. When I turned 21, he and I would go play dart tournaments together at the local dive. I introduced him to the cigarettes because he smoked cigars up til that point and I thought cigarettes would be better for him, plus, he'd probably buy me packs. I was right and he was hooked instantly. Now, this is where it gets difficult for me - I know that a grown, 55 year old man is capable of making his own decisions and knows that starting a smoking habit after you've had 3 heart attacks is suicidal. I know that. I KNEW that, even back then, at the height of my stupidity. I didn't think it was that big of a deal because I didn't think his heart problems were that serious. Sure, his weight ballooned to 400 briefly, but his heart attacks were always mild. He drove himself to the hospital for one of them. He was a hardy guy. He always survived. I was too self absorbed to be concerned with his health. I had a best friend, a guy who would always back me up and always drink with me/hang out with me. A guy who understood me. A guy who'd give me his pain meds when I hurt. What did he get out of it though? I never even considered that, not once.

I'd steal his medication when he wasn't around. He'd get short that week, and be in a lot of pain. I don't recall it ever bothering me. He'd look everywhere for his pills, like under the bed, because he thought he'd misplaced them. He eventually figured out it was me but never confronted me. He would just give me pills, and I began to ask every time and not steal. Eventually he'd give me one every day and had his dosage increased to compensate. I was dependent on them in a short amount of time.

It wasn't until the end of our relationship, before he died, that this really came out. I told him I wanted to get off them but they made me very sick when I didn't take them. I tried once, I think I made it a day. I remember how disappointed he looked when I asked for a pill. I'll never forget that, until I die.

We kept going to breakfast every day and going out every weekend. I didn't have many friends. I was really depressed. Then, it just happened - he got an angioplasty on his last clogged artery - there are 3 that lead to the heart and
he'd already had stints put in 2 of them. This was the last one to go, because he was close to another heart attack. He was in the hospital for a week, and I remember being tormented because he was not nearby for me to get my pills. I remember visiting him once just to get my fix because I was getting very sick and starting to miss work. It never occurred to me once that his health might be seriously bad.

They released him, and he was not doing great. I didn't care that much, I mean, of course I was concerned, but he was always in and out of the hospital. He was really out of breath all the time when he got home. I thought this was normal for the surgery he'd just had and told him to let me know if he had any chest pain. I stayed with him on Sunday night, much to my irritation, because my grandma had to go back home to get some new clothes. I remember being so irritated I had to be there because I was nursing a kitten I'd found abandoned and was really busy with that. I don't even remember the last thing I said to him when I left sunday night. I was SO annoyed that I'd had to waste my sunday babysitting him.

Monday, around 12:30, I received a call from my grandma. He wasn't breathing. She had called the paramedics and was in the back of the ambulance with him. He still wasn't breathing. I asked how long had it been - not really wanting to know the answer. Barely intelligble, she screamed "IT'S BEEN 20 MINUTES!"

I knew enough about basic lifesaving procedures to know too much time had gone by. For every minute after cardiac arrest, chance of survival goes down by 10%. After 5 minutes, severe brain damage begins. I was never going to see my father again and I knew it.

I took my friend's keys and raced to the hospital. I got there when CPR was still being administered - to this day, I can remember everything. His stomach was bouncing up and down from the force of it. He didn't look like himself. When I finally gave the doctor permission to stop, they left me alone with his body. I screamed and cried. The only thought that popped through my head was the painkillers. They were gone now. My best friend was gone, too. But mostly I thought about the painkillers. And a little bit, I thought about my role in what had happened. That was too much to think about at the time, but it persisted.

Eventually, his prescription would run out and I had to kick the painkillers on my own. That was a dark time, and one I don't like to think about often. I thought about how selfish I was. I thought about how alone I was. I thought about what a great guy my dad was and how he didn't deserve any of what had happened, or how I had treated him. It was during these reflections I knew something was very wrong with me, so I sought help.

It was during my first session my therapist stared shocked at me and said, "It's very rare for a person to have these realizations on their own. I believe a strong case can be made for you having Antisocial Personality disorder."

That's when I learned I was a sociopath.
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Old 08-18-2013, 10:59 PM   #96
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

I find it very strange that you seem to display sociopathic behaviour but I've seen other posts from you that suggest you have certain morals that you are passionate about. For example, some of your posts in the random marriage thread where you are clearly angered by some bigoted posts. I thought sociopaths were supposed to lack empathy?

I found the story very sad and I hope you find peace.
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Old 08-18-2013, 11:20 PM   #97
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

probably due to my religious upbringing and my mom's homophobia, I have a really passionate hatred for ignorance. Cwocwoc is enough to anger anyone, really.
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Old 08-19-2013, 12:12 AM   #98
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Did your Dad have anyone else around during this period?

I'm sorry about your Dad. You shouldn't blame yourself. Maybe that should be obvious. Maybe it wasn't back then, but should be now?
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Old 08-19-2013, 12:27 AM   #99
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

Nah, he was pretty alone. My sisters were never that close to him and he didn't really hang out with anyone outside of darts. I was all he had most of the time.

If i had quit smoking, he would've too. He mentioned it all the time. I don't know if he was too far gone by then, but maybe it would've helped. He never would've smoked if i didn't either. He just wanted to bond with me.

If i'd taken a more active interest in his health rather than just leech off him i know he'd still be around. He was helpless. Maybe it's irrational. I don't feel guilt, i just miss him. I know he wanted to go.

I had an influence on everything he did. I even convinced him once that being gay wasn't a choice: it was a lifelong prejudice he had. He's the only person that ever respected my opinion. It is tough losing that, even years later when i'm much more grounded and stable.
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Old 08-19-2013, 12:53 AM   #100
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Re: Jmakinmeangry's debauchery and general idiocy blog

55 year old guys that get to 400lbs with diabetes, heart attacks, and muscular dystrophy are likely to die early. Getting him smoking didn't help for sure. I doubt the mooching had anything to do with it. You were his only company, he loved you and you were his son. On the whole, you almost certainly prolonged his life.

Anyway, not something to argue about. My Dad died about the same time I think (about 4 years ago) and I still miss him a lot.
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