SGT,

I can sympathize. I was diagnosed with cluster headaches. I'm on Verapamil, which is also a blood pressure medicine, and I also use these shots (Alsuma) when I get a bad headache. Mine only last for about 1-2 hours, but they are really bad. I haven't had a headache in a few weeks now, so I may be out of the cluster period. Anyway, I know what you are going through and it sucks.

Verapamil is what I'm on as well.

I have something in common with jamakin.

No, it's not antisocial personality disorder. And for the record I rather enjoy jamakin, and want to know when he's going to play more WW.

I was also raised in a fundamentalist Christian home.

Have you ever seen the documentary Jesus Camp? If you haven't, and you for whatever reason want a glimpse into the fundamentalist Christian world without being required to become a social pariah, you should watch this movie (last I knew, you could stream it on Netflix). My childhood was only slightly less intense than that. I went to church three times a week (Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night) on average until I graduated high school (we did less Wednesday night prayer services when I got older, but I went to Youth Group, so I was still averaging three times a week at church). I went to a Christian summer camp and even worked there in high school (Camp BaYouCa, which stood for Baptist Youth Camp. I cannot make this **** up).

I think the highlight of this was the fact that I was actually home schooled for 7th and 8th grade. Ditto my sister, who is one year younger, and my kid brother (4.5 years younger) was home schooled for kindergarten through 2nd grade IIRC. Why my parents would suddenly switch us from public school to home schooling might seem fairly arbitrary - after all, I had already been in public school for seven years at that point, surely any sinful stuff they were going to teach me had already been taught, right?

Nope. It was because middle school was when they started teaching evolution.

I'm not entirely sure why they decided to put us back in public school. I certainly learned the theory of evolution in HS biology. I think on some level they didn't want to impede our ability to succeed in the real world, which not having a HS diploma would surely do.

It's hard to fully detail what the effects of growing up in that type of environment are, and I'll probably tell some stories in the course of this blog that touch on this subject. But I think the effects of my upbringing were most obvious in two somewhat related facts - I was incredibly socially awkward in HS and college (I was never the most popular kid in grade school, although I wasn't the least popular either, but missing those two grade where everyone basically entered puberty was a real social killer for me), and I really and truly believed that having sex before marriage was an extremely dire sin and was consequently a virgin until age 23.

Yeah, reconcile that with the infamous (and now deleted) 4L thread.

The logical (and correct) inference would be that I no longer consider myself a fundamentalist Christian (I'm not even sure I believe there is a God, although note that I still capitalized "God"), but it's funny how it still creeps up in little ways. Like sometimes I'll remember a Bible verse that gets triggered by something someone says or does; I'm sure I must have memorized hundreds as a kid. For example, contemplating the existence of a God, I have an automatic reflex buried somewhere deep in my brain - "The fool hath said in his heart, there is no God."

It was a long period of gradual questioning of basic tenets I was raised to believe that led to my deconversion, if you can call it that. And on some level, I have to admit, I'm still afraid that they are right and we're all going to Hell. But that's a fear born of years of having those ideas hammered into my brain as a child, and to a certain degree, they will probably be there until I die.

so explain this post to me, then. i mean, there's nothing in the bible against marrying old dudes, but i just don't see your parents being the 'super ok with everything unorthodox their daughter does' type.

also, what's their attitude toward you living in sin with your bf? do you still have a good relationship with them?

I mean, my parents weren't thrilled with my sister's relationship/marriage when they first found out, but they also recognized there was nothing they could do (she was 23 and not living at home) and that throwing a fit would only antagonize her. After they got to know him a bit they realized he's a decent guy and treats her well.

Plus they have both mellowed somewhat, religiously. My mom more so than my dad; I assume she still believes in God but she doesn't go to church that often and no longer sends me religious spam mail every day. We've talked about stuff like gay marriage and she's shockingly much more liberal than I would have guessed.

My dad is still more rigid but we don't talk much anyway, and frankly he's not really in any position to throw stones (well neither are since they got *gasp* divorced and have had relationships but no marriages since) since he became a homeless drug addict for a while and has now been diagnosed with a psychotic disorder. Not that mental illness is a sin, but he's a pretty messed up guy and we don't speak much anyway, and certainly not about the state of my soul or my sex life.

My mom has stayed with us and met Ian a few times now. She's cool. Probably on some level she doesn't approve but then I know she's had sex since her and dad split up, so again, pot vs. kettle. I like to think I've been at least partially responsible for her more liberated stance now, we are pretty close and talk about some interesting stuff at times. But I think a lot of it had to do with her long struggle to reconcile herself to leaving my dad. Once she did that, I think she felt more free to discard some other things she might not have always agreed with.

Interesting RJ! I was raised fundamentalist Christian also, it's one area where I have to constantly work on trying to not be too judgmental. I have very bad feelings towards the entire Southern tent circuit stuff, even though I could fake a pretty good sermon myself for awhile, lol.

My lawyers get pretty worried when I tell them my idea for leaving money in my will to put bounties on some of those types of preachers. I'm going to call it "Spare the rod and spoil the preacher". It will be my little gift to the children of the people who listen to those nuts.

Have you heard of the Keddie murders? That was an interesting story, even though it was never resolved. I also thought the true story behind the movie "The Changeling" was fascinating, it had an interesting side plot about the young boy (his cousin, I believe) who was sent back to Canada even though he had taken part. He went on to win Father of the Year awards and such, later in life.

Anyway, I'm enjoying your blog.

My second real job in video production was a production company that would work for anyone, (ok, not porn) but also produced a line of videos and rental films for the church market. I was their token non-believer. I didn't get hammered too badly.

Once one of the owners asked if I would like to join him at a Sunday Service and I politely declined. I was hired as a assistant editor/production assistant and after a few months I jumped into the editor's chair to finish a project when the production manager/editor became ill. Following Monday, same guy called me into his office and gave me a raise & promotion without me asking for it. Pretty sweet.

I'm enjoying yours as well.

No, I don't believe I've heard of those murders, I'll have to Google that.

I don't think I'm overtly judgement, or at least not of the type of groups you'd suspect being raised in that environment (for example, I firmly believed being gay was a sin and unnatural until some time in my 20s). If anything I'm more judgement of fanatical religious people because I know how brainwashing that can be. Kids raised in that environment are at a severe disadvantage in some ways.

Like I said, if you haven't seen Jesus Camp watch that. It'll take you back and give you the heebie jeebies.

Well that's always nice.

And for the record I don't have a problem with religious people per se. Everyone should be free to believe whatever they want, and worship however they want, as long as they don't impose that on others. And that's the major problem I have with the fundamentalist Christian right as I see it today. They want to enforce their idea of morality on the entire country under the guise of "Jesus said it so if you don't believe it you're a godless heathen and oppressing us" when really they just want to codify bigotry and intolerance.

The hypocrisy of it makes me sputtering mad.

WW is stupid and people are too focused on level 1 thinking and mechanics interpretations I don't completely understand for it to be any fun for me.

Or people like vix who don't even try every game and still manage to find 10 hours a day to play.

Anyway, yea, being raised fundie really sucks. Jesus Camp is good. Also, "the god who wasn't there" is a must see on netflix. My deconversion was also very gradual, and I had similar hangups about my sexuality. I lost my virginity at 21 even though I had a few opportunities before then. I have been laid a lot and still find the whole experience slightly uncomfortable sometimes, but have always been told I am fantastic.

Anyway deconversion is a favorite topic of mine and when I was new to my non faith I had an overwhelming desire to deconvert all my old Christian friends. Do not do this. It won't work. The friendships are doomed if they are serious at all about their religion. Will save a lot of pain.

Family relationships also get strained for obvious reasons. I think teaching children that they are going to hell if they don't obey this stupidly nonsensical holy book borders on child abuse, and some churches/schools are very deceptive in how they teach the subject. Anyway, some in my militant atheist circles are 100% adamant it is child abuse which I find slightly ridiculous. What are you going to do, outlaw parents passing on their religion? Please. The cure would be worse than the disease.

The only way I have found is to inform as much as possible (when warranted) about what I believe, and try to dispel ignorance whenever I can. I think devoting one's life to dispelling ignorance is the noblest thing anyone could do for the human race, and it's a cause I've devoted myself to.

Someone in RGT recently said that it takes a person of extremely high intelligence to escape religious indoctrination. I agree, but it also takes a lot of willpower and high pain tolerance. It's an extremely traumatizing experience, but worth it.

Just to clarify, the only time that I am judgmental is against religious fundamentalists. I was hit almost daily and then locked in a room for hours to read the Bible, definitely not the way to raise a good Christian, lol. I became one of the most learned non-believers on Earth. I have seen Jesus Camp (interesting), though that crazy look in some of their eyes scares me.

That said, I am currently helping a young relative on his dissertation on Theology, he wants to become a Baptist preacher. It's been good for both of us (He is well aware of my history) as we deal with the nuance between research and dogma.

Over the years, I found that I loved my gay kids the most. The fact that many times, I was the very first person in the world that they would come out to, awes me. I knew how powerful and difficult at the age of twelve and thirteen it was to share that secret with me. I still strive each day to try to live up to the person that they thought I was and it humbles me.

jmakin, you should play WW some time with me. I know it's frustrating for many (most?), but I don't even know how to play at level 1, lol. Conspiracies abound...

did you really refer to a children's book as a graphic novel?

Nice Blog RJ! Would like to do one myself but no one believes a word I say so not much point. You write very well. I also write articles for a new zealand news online website.

What do you like to do in ur spare time when ur not studying?

Oh, I don't study much. I'm in the end phase of my Ph.D. - my dissertation is written and in final edits.

Currently I spend my spare time looking for a job, playing WW, writing, watching sports, and occasionally playing a bit of poker.

What kind of job are you looking for?

I've applied for my graduate counseling license. Whatever population I work with (almost certainly adult, I don't have any specialized training in childhood or school counseling), I think I'd like to find a government job, which is more secure than the private sector, plus veterans get preference/time towards retirement.

Other than that I'm pretty open. Once I've worked in actual counseling for a while I think I'd eventually like to transfer over to academia. I've been in school most my life, might as well make a living doing it.

Like a professor?

Yeah, that would be the idea.

That's the primary reason to get a Ph.D. in Counseling - you can get your professional license with a masters - although I wasn't really thinking that far ahead. I was just in school mode and figured the Ph.D. would be useful at some point.

Researching crazy people has got to be a better career than counseling them

RJ, would you consider yourself a logical, or emotional person?

That depends largely on the context/circumstances.

But baseline I'm probably more of an emotional person.

Thanks!

Didn't know about your fascination with Serial Killers.

Although not technically a Serial Killer...I am fascinated by the life of Richard Kuklinski.

He was interviewed multiple times for HBO specials. "The Iceman Interviews"

If you aren't familiar...he was a contract killer for the Mafia....a complete sociopath who managed to keep his occupation from his family for many years.

If you are familiar with him....what are you thoughts about him? I was amazed at his complete lack of remorse for anything he did.

I'm not familiar with him.

But you basically answered your own question. If he's on the more extreme range of sociopathy (and like all things, there are ranges - some people who might meet criteria for antisocial personality disorder are going to have more empathy and consideration for others feelings than others), he probably literally just feels no guilt or shame for anything.

Colloquially this might best be explained by simply having a lack of a conscious. No one really understands how it happens, but some people do appear to simply lack the capacity (or have an extremely stunted capacity) to appreciate the emotions or needs of others. If you care only about your own comfort/wealth, it's not that far of a stretch, depending on who you meet, to end up with criminals. And if there's someone in your organization who lacks empathy and doesn't really value life, having that person become a killer for you is a pretty logical choice. This isn't someone who is going to allow sentiment or guilt get in the way of business.

As I said though I'm not familiar with him/his case so there may be more to it. But if he's on the extreme end of sociopathy he just doesn't care about the lives of others or about lying to his family.

how has LPO not posted in this thread?!?

Speaking of a lack of conscience, I always think of that Gary Ridgeway (The Green River killer) comment at the end of the filming of his confession. He was asked what he thought he was missing when he compared himself to other, more normal, people.

He looked right into the camera, without any feeling at all, and said, "I guess it's that "caring" thing". Very, very cold.